december has never felt so refreshing.
i cut off an ungodly amount of my hair, more than i ever have before.
there's turquoise always wrapped around my finger, the blue kind. the harsher one, and who am i kidding, i am not greener. i'm blue.
the air is warmer today, yet still blowing in northern winds.
i think the stars are still aligning themselves for me. for everyone who's been digging holes in search for the earth's warmth. i've always been partial to the fall.
good music and pretty people
roadtrips and diet coke
i could study the planets
galaxies
and the people in my classes for days.
thank god for this winter wind.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
let love grrrrow
quickly jotting down my love for the blanket of stars in westville. how i think they make lines to point right down to the horizon line. how nearly every time i look up, i see a shooting star. the town is magic, i swear.
my love for charlotte. she's my definition of who i am or was or who i'm ever going to be. her and kaitlin, they've got so much of me.
jotting down to remember how happy and privileged i felt when my grandma gave me that old book of polaroids of my dad when he was little. god, i could cry.
remembering how natural it was to walk into jacob's house, to hug his mom and hang out with him and his brother miles. how natural it all is. how that town is my heart.
forgetting everyone else.
how i don't really think about you anymore.
how we all have secrets
how we all hide things
how we all like to be alone.
remember remember remember.
my love for charlotte. she's my definition of who i am or was or who i'm ever going to be. her and kaitlin, they've got so much of me.
jotting down to remember how happy and privileged i felt when my grandma gave me that old book of polaroids of my dad when he was little. god, i could cry.
remembering how natural it was to walk into jacob's house, to hug his mom and hang out with him and his brother miles. how natural it all is. how that town is my heart.
forgetting everyone else.
how i don't really think about you anymore.
how we all have secrets
how we all hide things
how we all like to be alone.
remember remember remember.
Monday, November 15, 2010
somedays
maybe that's just it. Maybe I am meant to be alone, and maybe people aren't at my disposal. Maybe I shouldn't want to lie about little things and maybe doors are flying open I'm just too caught up in staying constant that I'm being blinded. Maybe I'm not what I always thought I was, but wait. I'm not everything that everyone wants for me. Two different planes. Not even comparable. I don't want to say yes, and I can't even give a genuine "thank you" when people try to plan out my life in a direction I've never considered for myself. I turn the paper and read from their perspective and I try to get it. I try to comprehend and sometimes I just end up banging my head on the table. Thank you or I'm sorry or hello. Maybe I'm meant to be alone in this.
fall fresh ing
dreams in daytime naps are always the strangest.
i had gone to see charlotte with someone, i don't ever remember who it was, but they were safe. and instead of her going to school at MIT, she went to school in some place surrounded by old enchanting buildings, bricks dark red, and at the top of this mountain. we had to ride this bus up the spiral road along side the mountain, and i remember that i wasn't scared. i just kept looking at the buildings and clouds zooming by. we finally got to this room where we were having a meeting, and bubbles were all over the room. we were all trying to touch them because they were three-dimensional, and at once, this little tan girl jumped over the edge to get to one, but she didn't fall. she floated because of what i knew was helium. but she didn't rise, she just drifted easily down to the ground.
after this, i don't really remember what happened. it was a part of dreams that sort of just goes black until you remember the next part.
which was a bunch of people from my old highschool doing tricks on a bike for some sort of initiation. this was taking place in the middle of this main intersection of westville, and my friend ben hutchens was the traffic director and he just smiled and hugged me like he always does. always.
after that we met up with charlotte in this parking lot that was extremely crowded. there were so many cars, and it was nighttime. mayra was with me and she got to meet both charlotte and kaitlin. charlotte had this idea to move my car, and she took initiative and ended up scraping the side of my car on another parked car. i was so afraid because all my parents ever tell me about my car is that i only have liability........ but instead of there being a scuff, there was a number imprinted on the side. "128". mayra had to leave, and she backed out of the narrow path and waved goodbye to kaitlin.
mountains: if you have been on top of a mountain in your dream, it symbolized you've achieved a goal.
i was so comfortable up there it was incredible.
'128': happened to be the date november 12th at 8 oclock. all really strange that the numbers were put together like that, but it makes so much sense.
a girl from tumblr just messaged me, and i talked on the phone to my grandma for thirty minutes today. i cannot wait to see her. to see kaitlin, and to see charlotte again. i feel so safe, and fall is so refreshing.
keep these good vibes flowing.
i had gone to see charlotte with someone, i don't ever remember who it was, but they were safe. and instead of her going to school at MIT, she went to school in some place surrounded by old enchanting buildings, bricks dark red, and at the top of this mountain. we had to ride this bus up the spiral road along side the mountain, and i remember that i wasn't scared. i just kept looking at the buildings and clouds zooming by. we finally got to this room where we were having a meeting, and bubbles were all over the room. we were all trying to touch them because they were three-dimensional, and at once, this little tan girl jumped over the edge to get to one, but she didn't fall. she floated because of what i knew was helium. but she didn't rise, she just drifted easily down to the ground.
after this, i don't really remember what happened. it was a part of dreams that sort of just goes black until you remember the next part.
which was a bunch of people from my old highschool doing tricks on a bike for some sort of initiation. this was taking place in the middle of this main intersection of westville, and my friend ben hutchens was the traffic director and he just smiled and hugged me like he always does. always.
after that we met up with charlotte in this parking lot that was extremely crowded. there were so many cars, and it was nighttime. mayra was with me and she got to meet both charlotte and kaitlin. charlotte had this idea to move my car, and she took initiative and ended up scraping the side of my car on another parked car. i was so afraid because all my parents ever tell me about my car is that i only have liability........ but instead of there being a scuff, there was a number imprinted on the side. "128". mayra had to leave, and she backed out of the narrow path and waved goodbye to kaitlin.
mountains: if you have been on top of a mountain in your dream, it symbolized you've achieved a goal.
i was so comfortable up there it was incredible.
'128': happened to be the date november 12th at 8 oclock. all really strange that the numbers were put together like that, but it makes so much sense.
a girl from tumblr just messaged me, and i talked on the phone to my grandma for thirty minutes today. i cannot wait to see her. to see kaitlin, and to see charlotte again. i feel so safe, and fall is so refreshing.
keep these good vibes flowing.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
space cadet
last night, after locking pinkies, and kissing on it, i embarked on such a mind-opening adventure.
i was tired and heavy near the beginning, just wanting to be heldddd and touched.
the giggles kicked in and it was all uphill from there.
we bought suckers and went into the castle.
the art. the art sent me turning and opened my eyes. especially saxon's, there were so so many dimensions.
the lights started going, and we started dancing.
the floor became three dimensional. sort of see-through, and it was beautiful.
i kept my hands locked most times, reminding myself that it's only me.
i kept thinking about how it's only me, and that's all that it will ever be. especially in my own body. it's only me.
no one else existed for a lonnnng while. people weren't annoying or my friend, but they were safety. or they were lovely. or they were overwhelming. mayra was safe to the point where she had a glowing aura about her. andrew was safe. andrew and bailey were beautiful. like it was magical.
the red room was overwhelming, and the bathroom walls were like playdough in the sense that they were moldable. the floor was moving, and i couldn't look in the mirror. my eyes would melt across my face, and i couldn't take it. but bailey was never distorted. she was pure as day.
a smile was plastered across my face to the point that it was painful. i kept grabbing my jaw to try to relax it, and as harrrrd as i would try not to smile, it was impossible.
i laughed at everything, and for hours on end, i did not care about my cell phone or anyone else.
my teeth were so sensitive, and i didn't want anyone to touch me. it was only me.
only i existed.
near the end, a lot of strange people came crawling out of nowhere and it made me a little apprehensive. the safety mama noticed, and andrew drove us back to austin and mayra's.
andrew has never made me feel more safe.
after i laughed everything out, i was just so happy. visuals calmed down, and as soon as i thought i was coming down, something would be hysterical. i was so comfortable in my body and in travis' apartment. we just hung out with the same circle of people we always see.
bowls were passed around, and i smoked them with confidence. it was then that things starting growing again. the face on the wall was pulsing past corben. corben was stable and just smiling as usual. the rhino and all of the designs on the inside. the waka poster. some things i even accepted always looked like they were in motion. like the mural behind the couch. the pattern on the couch. i just thought they always sort of danced with me.
bailey and i drove home and listened to sufjan. fuck. like sufjan.............
the train lights triggered us again, and we had to focus in on being happy and locked in on the road.
after a shower together, we laid in my bed. i let her have my favorite quilt, and we turned on Rocko's Modern Life. scariest show in reality, i had to turn it off.
closing my eyes, trying to fall asleep before i had to wake up for work, my over-active mind created images after images that would grow and pulse. music was being created in my head, and i couldn't stop it. i wanted to hear and see nothing for so long, but after i focused on my breathing pattern, it was right to sleep.
sleep until morning and space cadet until nap time.
i was tired and heavy near the beginning, just wanting to be heldddd and touched.
the giggles kicked in and it was all uphill from there.
we bought suckers and went into the castle.
the art. the art sent me turning and opened my eyes. especially saxon's, there were so so many dimensions.
the lights started going, and we started dancing.
the floor became three dimensional. sort of see-through, and it was beautiful.
i kept my hands locked most times, reminding myself that it's only me.
i kept thinking about how it's only me, and that's all that it will ever be. especially in my own body. it's only me.
no one else existed for a lonnnng while. people weren't annoying or my friend, but they were safety. or they were lovely. or they were overwhelming. mayra was safe to the point where she had a glowing aura about her. andrew was safe. andrew and bailey were beautiful. like it was magical.
the red room was overwhelming, and the bathroom walls were like playdough in the sense that they were moldable. the floor was moving, and i couldn't look in the mirror. my eyes would melt across my face, and i couldn't take it. but bailey was never distorted. she was pure as day.
a smile was plastered across my face to the point that it was painful. i kept grabbing my jaw to try to relax it, and as harrrrd as i would try not to smile, it was impossible.
i laughed at everything, and for hours on end, i did not care about my cell phone or anyone else.
my teeth were so sensitive, and i didn't want anyone to touch me. it was only me.
only i existed.
near the end, a lot of strange people came crawling out of nowhere and it made me a little apprehensive. the safety mama noticed, and andrew drove us back to austin and mayra's.
andrew has never made me feel more safe.
after i laughed everything out, i was just so happy. visuals calmed down, and as soon as i thought i was coming down, something would be hysterical. i was so comfortable in my body and in travis' apartment. we just hung out with the same circle of people we always see.
bowls were passed around, and i smoked them with confidence. it was then that things starting growing again. the face on the wall was pulsing past corben. corben was stable and just smiling as usual. the rhino and all of the designs on the inside. the waka poster. some things i even accepted always looked like they were in motion. like the mural behind the couch. the pattern on the couch. i just thought they always sort of danced with me.
bailey and i drove home and listened to sufjan. fuck. like sufjan.............
the train lights triggered us again, and we had to focus in on being happy and locked in on the road.
after a shower together, we laid in my bed. i let her have my favorite quilt, and we turned on Rocko's Modern Life. scariest show in reality, i had to turn it off.
closing my eyes, trying to fall asleep before i had to wake up for work, my over-active mind created images after images that would grow and pulse. music was being created in my head, and i couldn't stop it. i wanted to hear and see nothing for so long, but after i focused on my breathing pattern, it was right to sleep.
sleep until morning and space cadet until nap time.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
square. one.
another breaking point?
um.
maybe this is the day that everything is scraped riiiight back to square one.
i think so.
i'm back in this bed. in these walls, this sound and the same 'i don't wanna move to go wash my face' feeling. feeling apathetic. sorrrrt of. but all of these pictures from yoga magazines is a breath of fresh air. i just want the usual coffee, yanno? make myself some oatmeal, and drink coffee. with wet hair.
i've never gone to school with wet hair.
but tomorrow.
this is a new start.
god.
i have so many things to say, but because i've had them pulled out of me, i'm exhausted.
remind me tomorrow.
um.
maybe this is the day that everything is scraped riiiight back to square one.
i think so.
i'm back in this bed. in these walls, this sound and the same 'i don't wanna move to go wash my face' feeling. feeling apathetic. sorrrrt of. but all of these pictures from yoga magazines is a breath of fresh air. i just want the usual coffee, yanno? make myself some oatmeal, and drink coffee. with wet hair.
i've never gone to school with wet hair.
but tomorrow.
this is a new start.
god.
i have so many things to say, but because i've had them pulled out of me, i'm exhausted.
remind me tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
fresher out here
This is all that matters in the long run.
Maybe. Just a collection of thoughts, some organizations because that's everything I'm lacking. My schedule can't even remain on the right path. I eat soup made with vegetables, and i drink unsweetened tea all of the time. Literally it's replacing the blood in each one of my veins. I'm all cloudy. I'm always clouds and light kind of heavier since a while back. Heavier than Boston.
Boston.
I could've missed my flight and never. cared.
God. Just let me marry Charlotte.
I'm one step closer to my "successful coffee shop" as of today. He kept saying that. I could've kissed him on the mouth. Inching toward it, nearing the east coast where my heart has always always been. Over there tempting the ocean.
Maybe. Just a collection of thoughts, some organizations because that's everything I'm lacking. My schedule can't even remain on the right path. I eat soup made with vegetables, and i drink unsweetened tea all of the time. Literally it's replacing the blood in each one of my veins. I'm all cloudy. I'm always clouds and light kind of heavier since a while back. Heavier than Boston.
Boston.
I could've missed my flight and never. cared.
God. Just let me marry Charlotte.
I'm one step closer to my "successful coffee shop" as of today. He kept saying that. I could've kissed him on the mouth. Inching toward it, nearing the east coast where my heart has always always been. Over there tempting the ocean.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
fight or flight, always fleeting
my fleeting sense of nature always gets in the way.
i never voice it to anyone who should know, but i did.
last night laying under the old quilt.
stumbling.
i talked about my fleeting sense of nature and how nothing ever works out,
i put up my warning sign,
my caution.
rambled about how i can picture myself, in reality.
i'm never that real with people, i never ever ever talk about it.
just how he can't see himself in tennessee under those tents -
we're both afraid?
neither of us fight
we run
and keep running
and one day run right back.
i always run directly back to home base.
it's always after i feel unsatisfied, or after i feel like i need some safety.
but none of this matters
because it's all small things, in the end.
everything is tiny and impermanent.
we can all do something right,
it's just small.
we're all just tiny grains
running and bumping into each other when we actually think about it.
just little microscopic beings.
and if we're that small,
nothing else even matters.
i never voice it to anyone who should know, but i did.
last night laying under the old quilt.
stumbling.
i talked about my fleeting sense of nature and how nothing ever works out,
i put up my warning sign,
my caution.
rambled about how i can picture myself, in reality.
i'm never that real with people, i never ever ever talk about it.
just how he can't see himself in tennessee under those tents -
we're both afraid?
neither of us fight
we run
and keep running
and one day run right back.
i always run directly back to home base.
it's always after i feel unsatisfied, or after i feel like i need some safety.
but none of this matters
because it's all small things, in the end.
everything is tiny and impermanent.
we can all do something right,
it's just small.
we're all just tiny grains
running and bumping into each other when we actually think about it.
just little microscopic beings.
and if we're that small,
nothing else even matters.
Monday, October 25, 2010
nothing at all all all all
welp. i've reached that point.
that solid breaking point that i never really thought i'd come to. i don't want to do a thing. i don't want to read or learn or write or drive or walk or run. i don't know what i'm going to do after school. really don't. as much as i hate to admit it.. i'm literally probably just going to go to my parents and chat with my brother and dad. mindlessly.
i've lost my mind and my soul.
i found out i have a 56 in psychology today and i can only think about my car and the substance inside. i can only think about how i woke up in bed this morning in just my tshirt. i can only think about how i have to fucking work tonight. im always working, and i told my managers that if it came to my grades falling, i'd have to get less hours. well. here i am. fallen grades and fallen energy and fallen .. everything.
like i do. not. care.
i really dont.
i didn't write two papers? i skipped so much class. i have a zero for a test grade. and. i have a science project due tomorrow. guess who hasn't done it?
boston better open my eyes.
the flight is going to open my eyes. '
i come home smelling like smoke literally every night. whether i'm in the action with them, or if i'm just sitting on the couch in her garage watching them fill their lungs with black venom.
gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i could vomit.
like all of my clothes are too big.
i wash them and try to get them to shrink and nothing happens. these jeans?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmafdlfl;jsafdkl;jd
i can't even formulate sentences.
can you feel this?
that solid breaking point that i never really thought i'd come to. i don't want to do a thing. i don't want to read or learn or write or drive or walk or run. i don't know what i'm going to do after school. really don't. as much as i hate to admit it.. i'm literally probably just going to go to my parents and chat with my brother and dad. mindlessly.
i've lost my mind and my soul.
i found out i have a 56 in psychology today and i can only think about my car and the substance inside. i can only think about how i woke up in bed this morning in just my tshirt. i can only think about how i have to fucking work tonight. im always working, and i told my managers that if it came to my grades falling, i'd have to get less hours. well. here i am. fallen grades and fallen energy and fallen .. everything.
like i do. not. care.
i really dont.
i didn't write two papers? i skipped so much class. i have a zero for a test grade. and. i have a science project due tomorrow. guess who hasn't done it?
boston better open my eyes.
the flight is going to open my eyes. '
i come home smelling like smoke literally every night. whether i'm in the action with them, or if i'm just sitting on the couch in her garage watching them fill their lungs with black venom.
gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i could vomit.
like all of my clothes are too big.
i wash them and try to get them to shrink and nothing happens. these jeans?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmafdlfl;jsafdkl;jd
i can't even formulate sentences.
can you feel this?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
on the love of my life -
I can't seem to recognize what separates emotions from reflections. Or what time has to do with distance. Because a root in the ground is never uplifted without an opposite force and the only motion we are moving is towards the sun. Where she and I will always belong. Underneath the umbrella of the all-knowing power of plants and sequence of the moon. We share the same skin, the same decaying bodies. Yet while she's gliding through the tides with ease, my feet sink deeper in the clay of this city. She'll always be the only thing that makes sense, she's the edgy sort of familiarity where I'm required to balance on one foot in between one thousand miles with delicate nations on top of my shoulders. Shes the light that everyone sees gleaming from my chest. She's the goodness of god and she's peace and quiet, but recklessly untamed.
white oleanders
i never know what i want.
marry me marry me marry me
but go away for a couple of months
kiss me
but never touch me
don't ever talk to me, don't want to be around me
but consume your time with thoughts about me
i always do this
and i never like it
i always do this
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
crawling into a hole.
i always think i'll slip into some parallel universe.
or into a new city
or music will carry me above the trees
or maybe a couple of hours will do
but i'm always pulled back on my leash, back to reality.
marry me marry me marry me
but go away for a couple of months
kiss me
but never touch me
don't ever talk to me, don't want to be around me
but consume your time with thoughts about me
i always do this
and i never like it
i always do this
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
crawling into a hole.
i always think i'll slip into some parallel universe.
or into a new city
or music will carry me above the trees
or maybe a couple of hours will do
but i'm always pulled back on my leash, back to reality.
i break i break i break
my throat hurts so bad each time i try to talk or swallow. but only when i'm alone. i like to stay distracted from my sickness. like when travis brought me the bigggest bouquet of daisies to my house yesterday, then drank tea with me at my kitchen table. or when i pick up bailey at midnight and we drive to waffle house, drink coffee until 2 in the morning on a school night, and play "My Girl" on the jukebox.
i guess in my sleepy haze, i turned off my alarm this morning. i had even premade coffee last night so this morning all i had to do was press "brew". i woke up 10 minutes before my class began 25 minutes away. needless to say, i didn't make it to my first class.
i just saw someone trip walking up the stairs :/
apparently there was an earthquake this morning in oklahoma. i was driving and didn't feel it. but my friend from Tahlequah texted me saying that people in her town felt it. so weird. i'm so oblivious sometimes.
and sometimes, i feel too small. no one else would ever think this was a problem, and i guess it's not...? but my legs? like they're sticks today, and my wrists are so bare and boney. like my fingers? i feel disgusting, and if you've never felt this way, thank your lucky stars. it's not cute, and it cannot be healthy. like my knees?
mmmm i need coffee and tylenol to ease my head.
i need to read a good book, i need to save money
and i need to eat something substantial for once in my life.
i guess in my sleepy haze, i turned off my alarm this morning. i had even premade coffee last night so this morning all i had to do was press "brew". i woke up 10 minutes before my class began 25 minutes away. needless to say, i didn't make it to my first class.
i just saw someone trip walking up the stairs :/
apparently there was an earthquake this morning in oklahoma. i was driving and didn't feel it. but my friend from Tahlequah texted me saying that people in her town felt it. so weird. i'm so oblivious sometimes.
and sometimes, i feel too small. no one else would ever think this was a problem, and i guess it's not...? but my legs? like they're sticks today, and my wrists are so bare and boney. like my fingers? i feel disgusting, and if you've never felt this way, thank your lucky stars. it's not cute, and it cannot be healthy. like my knees?
mmmm i need coffee and tylenol to ease my head.
i need to read a good book, i need to save money
and i need to eat something substantial for once in my life.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
tea not fruit
today has been one of the most immaculate.
ranging from JP at church, with his irresistible white rimmed glasses and past heroine addiction, to ending the night here on my bed listening to my clothes spin in the washer.
i always talk about how i hate working at jimmy johns. literally, it's the last place i ever want to work. but it is nights like these that i love it. i worked with all of my favorite people at jjs, minus bailey. there were only four of us and we were a dream team. running a million and one deliveries and still managing to keep our sanity. i made 50 dollars in tips, despite the numerous people who failed to tip me, even when i sat in the rain for 10 minutes waiting on them.
one house i delivered to... what was the address. 1416 george? i walk up to the door and the aroma of marijuana stimulates my whole body. i knock on the door, and some long-haired, blue-eyed beauty greets me with a twenty dollar bill. i see his friends with their huge bong in the background, and i am preparing his change, when he says "don't worry about it" and closes the door. i walk away speechless and thank God over and over and over.
after a guy paid me 10 dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes, i cashed out and Katie gave me a free sandwich. i could've cried.
i think that it's on deliveries that i actually have time to think about things, spiritually. such as - why don't i make time for yoga. even in these moments when i'm just sitting in my room, mindlessly cruising on tumblr. i could be calming my body down and releasing all of the tension i can feel in my neck, down my spine, all the way to where my hips meet. my mat is here and everything.
instead i drink my cold tea with a little sugar in it and think about how i should wash my face. brush my teeth. bring my bike from my parents' over to my jones house.
my mind is always spinning.
gradually i'm travelling onward.
ranging from JP at church, with his irresistible white rimmed glasses and past heroine addiction, to ending the night here on my bed listening to my clothes spin in the washer.
i always talk about how i hate working at jimmy johns. literally, it's the last place i ever want to work. but it is nights like these that i love it. i worked with all of my favorite people at jjs, minus bailey. there were only four of us and we were a dream team. running a million and one deliveries and still managing to keep our sanity. i made 50 dollars in tips, despite the numerous people who failed to tip me, even when i sat in the rain for 10 minutes waiting on them.
one house i delivered to... what was the address. 1416 george? i walk up to the door and the aroma of marijuana stimulates my whole body. i knock on the door, and some long-haired, blue-eyed beauty greets me with a twenty dollar bill. i see his friends with their huge bong in the background, and i am preparing his change, when he says "don't worry about it" and closes the door. i walk away speechless and thank God over and over and over.
after a guy paid me 10 dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes, i cashed out and Katie gave me a free sandwich. i could've cried.
i think that it's on deliveries that i actually have time to think about things, spiritually. such as - why don't i make time for yoga. even in these moments when i'm just sitting in my room, mindlessly cruising on tumblr. i could be calming my body down and releasing all of the tension i can feel in my neck, down my spine, all the way to where my hips meet. my mat is here and everything.
instead i drink my cold tea with a little sugar in it and think about how i should wash my face. brush my teeth. bring my bike from my parents' over to my jones house.
my mind is always spinning.
gradually i'm travelling onward.
Monday, October 4, 2010
i remember when
all of this used to be rare. i would come here to escape. still yet, looking at this screen feels good. this home page. i shouldn't be writing. i shouldn't be distracted by tumblr, but what can i say.
it's been so many days since the last time i've felt that good.
i'm so confused, and i'm not ever sure of myself.
i need time for meditation, a little time alone.
my second roommate moved in today, and i feel so much comfort in that.
i feel like maisi has someone else to turn to now, and i like that.
i can be alone again.
all of my fall music comes on, and it's cold weather time. it's so cold, everywhere. my little space heater is working over time in this room.
i have a lunch date on saturday in my kitchen.
spaghetti with veggies. god, sometimes being vegetarian feels ten times better than i ever thought it would. i need a quick cleanse of my pallet. something new to look at, new to think about.
i can't stray away from the path i knowwww i need to keep both feet on.
there's blue paint on my ceiling now.
feels like home.
it's been so many days since the last time i've felt that good.
i'm so confused, and i'm not ever sure of myself.
i need time for meditation, a little time alone.
my second roommate moved in today, and i feel so much comfort in that.
i feel like maisi has someone else to turn to now, and i like that.
i can be alone again.
all of my fall music comes on, and it's cold weather time. it's so cold, everywhere. my little space heater is working over time in this room.
i have a lunch date on saturday in my kitchen.
spaghetti with veggies. god, sometimes being vegetarian feels ten times better than i ever thought it would. i need a quick cleanse of my pallet. something new to look at, new to think about.
i can't stray away from the path i knowwww i need to keep both feet on.
there's blue paint on my ceiling now.
feels like home.
Friday, October 1, 2010
growing and burning
is there a limbo type place for the life that you're still living? i think i'm there. i'm in between what i'm used to and where i'm needing to get to. i say needing because as grown as i'll always believe i am, i'm still the smallest seed. still planted with the roots that my parents have given me.
i think about who i am, and what i do that could possibly define me. if i'm proud of all of those things, and if i'm not? why i even bother doing them. if i care?
i love my little cove of a room, it keeps getting cozier. but it doesn't have memories of me sobbing over books. over journals even. it doesn't have any emotion yet. it's just me putting paintings on the walls to make it feel like home. and it's getting there. i can honestly say that i love my room on jones. i love that it's so close to both of my jobs. i love that both of my roommates are the most beautiful people who shine both internally and externally. they're a standard that make me want to keep going. they're two girls to be proud of. i wonder if they think the same about who i am. i wonder what they think about when i'm not around, or when they're alone. if anything. i think about our living room and all of the conversations that are going to be held there and that makes me so excited. to grow.
to extend my roots and push myself outside of everything that's comfortable.
everything that's safe, and easy.
i always need a challenge.
a challenge to stay conscious when your arm is seared in two places pulling out bread at jimmy johns. i don't know how i kept myself steady. until i ate my protein bar, that was flavored like the incense i keep in my bag, i thought i was going to have to go home from work early. ... not that they'd let me. but instead i ended up working overtime. reapplying burn cream, and looking at everyones scars from their burns, maybe this is just character being added on.
a little crescent moon shaped brand on my arm, and a less severe one on my forearm.
everything happens for a reason.
this is normal.
don't worry, and feel free.
broaden your horizons. keep your roots grounded, but continue to grow towards the sunlight.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
in my distress on monday
there are so many things i could cry about. i could cry because everyone i got close to moved away. i’m so far away from everyone. the way my dad was sobbing. thats the main one. the way he said “i don’t know” when i asked why he was crying. the way his face wrinkled up by his eyes when he was crying and how his big hands wiped his eyes. the fact that i’m sitting on my bed alone listening to lydia. the fact that i cant even see what i’m typing because i’ve been crying for literally an hour. i could throw up all over the place if i’d just let myself. i don’t think i’ve ever felt like this. no one could make me feel like this besides my parents, really. i’ve got too much respect for them. and i think of all the things ive done without them knowing, and how impure i’m sure they see me as because i had sex and everything. there are so many things i could cry about. how i don’t have a dresser here. how my head hurts and how i forgot i was making tea. how charlotte is literally so far away. mariah is far away and maisi is busy. how everyone is high and everyones hazy. how i don’t really want to talk to melanie. or theresa. or greg. like i don’t want to talk to any of you. i’m the same person as my mom. maybe this is lonliness? fuck. this is so annoying. i couldn’t name you but like 3 times i’ve ever felt even remotely as sad as i do now. i think about how the room i have in this house is the brightest, and i’m thankful that i’m not sitting in a fucking cave right now. that’s a bright side. i’m doing laundry, and i paced this floor for a good 20 minutes before i ever let myself sit down. like my head hurts. and all i have on my ipod is depressing music. that’s all i ever listen to. how my dad said, with tears in his eyes, “you don’t have to stay here if you have things to do” and i groaned and got my hamper. “i love you be careful” and i could barely say i love you back without letting it all out. but once i passed the washer and drier, there was no holding back. i could cry all day. i would give my mom the mother of the year award in a heartbeat. i do not know what she’s talking about. and how she said her mother role is just over now? fuck. no. oh my godddd i could cry for hours and hours and hours..
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
infinite love
Can I feel light and free for a day? I want a day to devote to nothing but energy of the earth. I don't want to think about a damn thing. I'm sick of it already and it's only September. Everyone I meet is only in passing I feel like. I feel so secluded when I realize they're only an image. I'll not even remember their faces after some years fly by. Just like they're doing now. We live in seasons, each of us keep pushing onward to the next. Either in seasons or in elevations. I stead of cycles, it's keep climbing mode. Keep climbing and climbing and catch yourself on the way down.
cave creatures
I always let this happen, and it always happens. Doors swing open and I have to pull them shut again. Words are empty while resonating in the wrong home. Your hearts not meant to be my home, and mines not yours. It's the idea we are both longing for, it's what we keep dreaming about but it's always a dream. Not even tangible, we are both dreaming and pretending. Always, I find myself right here.
I have to find time to fix what's broken.
I have to find time to fix what's broken.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
arkansas
theres comfort in distance. in solitude and in old books.
theres comfort in old friends and favorite foods
in colored rooms filled with aloe,
and the porch viewing the big tree.
i want to feel that again.
i can honestly say that i see this happening.
theres comfort in old friends and favorite foods
in colored rooms filled with aloe,
and the porch viewing the big tree.
i want to feel that again.
i can honestly say that i see this happening.
Monday, September 6, 2010
closer and closer to the sun
i wish that there were actual words i could use to portray the happiness that this weekend has given me. not just a smile, but i could cryyy i'm so happy.
this week; this week has been so emotionally draining. ranging from my parents not looking me in the eye to not being able to distinguish individual silhouettes from each other because i'm so happy. melanie and i left on thursday, knowing that we were about to have one of the best weekends. however, we didn't know that our eating schedule would be completely skewed, our lives would be shaken and our hearts would be completely full of love and passion that we wouldn't be able to contain it. but that's what happened.
the drive to arkansas with her was perfect. i couldn't have asked for a better car-mate. (car-mate?....)
we got to fayetteville and scoped out the venue - The Arkansas Music Pavilion. right in the parking lot of the mall. we had been in touch with bailey, hoots and greg all throughout the day and we finally met them at their hotel for pregaming. they are the most loving group of people. they had guys they had picked up along the trip with them, who were also some of the sweetest. their room reeeeeeks of wine because Nick, the 6'8 guy they had with them, broke the wine bag and it literally exploded all over the walls, the sheets, his (and every other guy's there) clothes. they start taking shots and filling the room with herb. it's cloudy and you can smell it from the elevator. melanie and i take a couple bites and we are off. the designated drivers. the only two even relatively capable. i know this town like the back of my hand, so i trail us all off to the show. my first tribe show. after getting our tickets and getting separated from our crew, it begins to pourrrrrrrrr down rain. literally can't see through it. we find greg and get under the pavillion. the show is about to begin and everyone's mouth is full of tiny squares, and everyone's eyes are brighttttt. smiles plastered on our faces. the first track is laid down and it's allllllll uphill from there. i could cry thinking about it. everyone of us dancing together and smiling and the lights and the music and the energy. there was such good energy that i've been searching for. longggging for.
like i said, none of this does the whole show justice. there aren't words.
drive from fayetteville to tahlequah. still a little hazy. praise all goodness, and thank karma that i made it there safely. we pick up kaitlin and she's in the stars. get back to her apartment and crash. i sleep on the floor, and don't mind a bit. i barely can even recall how uncomfortable it was.
the next day: much needed shower, hang out with grandma, then drive to tulsa.
i drove to tulsa against my parents requests. i had to do it, and it was worth it. tribe round 2. they played one of their most popular songs and there's a video of me, melanie and greg dancing to it on youtube. i feel famous, for sure. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cnfwg2D6FTo
after the tribe opens for ghostland.............. melanie and i split. once again, it's all sort of hazy, but i made it to wafflehouse, then back to tahlequah in one piece. i blasted tribe on the way home and i could feel it pulsing in my veins. it was growing and i couldn't go the speed limit. once again, find kaitlin, go to her apartment and sleep on the floor... only this night, i slept on couch cushions i had shaped into a bed. you have to get creative when you're living out of your car, i learned this weekend.
next. day. what day is this? saturday? hm. kaitlin's mom makes us some of theeeee best food i've had in awhile. i literally inhale it, then we go get ready for this "exciting party" at kaitlin's friend Jocelyn's house. .....
we get to this trailer house in Bell, Oklahoma. no one knows where this is, i'm sure of it. but it's a town in the sticks full of indians. indians that are knowwwwwn to be violent. literally, they skin people's heads. okay? this is where i was taken. without a car. and since we are so far away from anything safe, we don't have service. kaitlin wouldn't let us take her car because we were intoxicated. little did she know that the 27 year old men, the blasting country music, and everyone staring at us drinking from our camelback were all buzz kills. any substance we could've consumed would not have taken us to a happier place. there were ants crawling on the walls, moths getting caught in our hair, and a stove that had no burners. the window was non-existent, and the door didn't close. there were six 30 packs....... six. we are bundled up together on this couch trying to figure out who would come get us. we even contemplated calling my grandmother at 2 in the morning. but instead, we think of Jacob, my "destiny". we use jocelyn's phone to call him, fighting for service. by the graceeee of Goddddd, he comes to our rescue. he ran out of gas, and drove up and down the Bell roads trying to find us. SOMEHOW he finally does, and i can rememmmmber how big the smile was on my face. i'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life. safety. to celebrate, and honestly, release a little tension that had been stored up; cigarettes all around. i pay for his gas and nearly kiss his feet for saving us. he takes us back to the party he was at, and i crawl out of his truck. i give him a piece of earth and he tells me to go in and find his younger brother inside, that he'll take care of us. he does just that.
miles, Jacob's younger brother, is literally one of the sweetest kids i've ever met. he hugs me for such a long time and directs us to a room with an open mattress. thank goodness melanie and i had brought our own pillows and blankets. mmm, long story short, the Ouija board is broken out and i get outttt of there. i join miles on the porch and wait for jacob. after much talk about his life and discovery of faith, melanie and i crash on our empty mattress. miles comes in and lays next to me, between me and the door, to protect us. i hug the kid like theres no tomorrow and we fall asleep. the last thing i remember him saying was "it's 5:30". i was woken up by jacob and kyle at i have noooo idea what time, because they want cigarettes? i stumble around and find them, and not long after, jacob stumbles in and joins the three of us sleeping. finally. rest. ... on a mattress?
we wake up around 10, melanie and i, and still have not heard a word from kaitlin. we torment jacob, the only one left in the bed with us, and finally get around to brushing our teeth. the sweetie, jacob, takes us back to our car in tahlequah. might i add, that tahlequah is 35 minutes away from westville. and Bell is about an hour away. this kid deserves the world. anywho - we eat lunch at some mexican place and are reunited with kaitlin. it's now... sunday?
sunday. chill. rent movies. go back to kaitlin's parents' house and watch them. pack and breathe, we are going to jupiter. we watch two movies, and after melanie naps, we go vandalize things. try to steal the "welcome to oklahoma" sign, get grass burns from diving repeatedly into the ditch, and come home with an orange finger from spray paint. we start up another movie and i don't remember anything else until waking up this morning at 11.
drive home. completely overjoyed. there are no words.
also - while in fayetteville, something about it just sang to me. i'm probably going there next semester. even my parents agree. which is a rare thing this week. or ever in college respects.
but now it's back to the real world, and i cannot think about it. i've already got a list of things i need to do. none of them i've even done yet because i had to get this all out before i forgot a single detail. i wish everyone could experience this feeling of freedom. we all need it.
rereading this, i realize this does my whole weekend absolutely no justice. damn it, i wish i had words. i wish i could actually make someone feel what i felt. i'm sorry that not a one of you reading this were there. i truly am.
this week; this week has been so emotionally draining. ranging from my parents not looking me in the eye to not being able to distinguish individual silhouettes from each other because i'm so happy. melanie and i left on thursday, knowing that we were about to have one of the best weekends. however, we didn't know that our eating schedule would be completely skewed, our lives would be shaken and our hearts would be completely full of love and passion that we wouldn't be able to contain it. but that's what happened.
the drive to arkansas with her was perfect. i couldn't have asked for a better car-mate. (car-mate?....)
we got to fayetteville and scoped out the venue - The Arkansas Music Pavilion. right in the parking lot of the mall. we had been in touch with bailey, hoots and greg all throughout the day and we finally met them at their hotel for pregaming. they are the most loving group of people. they had guys they had picked up along the trip with them, who were also some of the sweetest. their room reeeeeeks of wine because Nick, the 6'8 guy they had with them, broke the wine bag and it literally exploded all over the walls, the sheets, his (and every other guy's there) clothes. they start taking shots and filling the room with herb. it's cloudy and you can smell it from the elevator. melanie and i take a couple bites and we are off. the designated drivers. the only two even relatively capable. i know this town like the back of my hand, so i trail us all off to the show. my first tribe show. after getting our tickets and getting separated from our crew, it begins to pourrrrrrrrr down rain. literally can't see through it. we find greg and get under the pavillion. the show is about to begin and everyone's mouth is full of tiny squares, and everyone's eyes are brighttttt. smiles plastered on our faces. the first track is laid down and it's allllllll uphill from there. i could cry thinking about it. everyone of us dancing together and smiling and the lights and the music and the energy. there was such good energy that i've been searching for. longggging for.
like i said, none of this does the whole show justice. there aren't words.
drive from fayetteville to tahlequah. still a little hazy. praise all goodness, and thank karma that i made it there safely. we pick up kaitlin and she's in the stars. get back to her apartment and crash. i sleep on the floor, and don't mind a bit. i barely can even recall how uncomfortable it was.
the next day: much needed shower, hang out with grandma, then drive to tulsa.
i drove to tulsa against my parents requests. i had to do it, and it was worth it. tribe round 2. they played one of their most popular songs and there's a video of me, melanie and greg dancing to it on youtube. i feel famous, for sure. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cnfwg2D6FTo
after the tribe opens for ghostland.............. melanie and i split. once again, it's all sort of hazy, but i made it to wafflehouse, then back to tahlequah in one piece. i blasted tribe on the way home and i could feel it pulsing in my veins. it was growing and i couldn't go the speed limit. once again, find kaitlin, go to her apartment and sleep on the floor... only this night, i slept on couch cushions i had shaped into a bed. you have to get creative when you're living out of your car, i learned this weekend.
next. day. what day is this? saturday? hm. kaitlin's mom makes us some of theeeee best food i've had in awhile. i literally inhale it, then we go get ready for this "exciting party" at kaitlin's friend Jocelyn's house. .....
we get to this trailer house in Bell, Oklahoma. no one knows where this is, i'm sure of it. but it's a town in the sticks full of indians. indians that are knowwwwwn to be violent. literally, they skin people's heads. okay? this is where i was taken. without a car. and since we are so far away from anything safe, we don't have service. kaitlin wouldn't let us take her car because we were intoxicated. little did she know that the 27 year old men, the blasting country music, and everyone staring at us drinking from our camelback were all buzz kills. any substance we could've consumed would not have taken us to a happier place. there were ants crawling on the walls, moths getting caught in our hair, and a stove that had no burners. the window was non-existent, and the door didn't close. there were six 30 packs....... six. we are bundled up together on this couch trying to figure out who would come get us. we even contemplated calling my grandmother at 2 in the morning. but instead, we think of Jacob, my "destiny". we use jocelyn's phone to call him, fighting for service. by the graceeee of Goddddd, he comes to our rescue. he ran out of gas, and drove up and down the Bell roads trying to find us. SOMEHOW he finally does, and i can rememmmmber how big the smile was on my face. i'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life. safety. to celebrate, and honestly, release a little tension that had been stored up; cigarettes all around. i pay for his gas and nearly kiss his feet for saving us. he takes us back to the party he was at, and i crawl out of his truck. i give him a piece of earth and he tells me to go in and find his younger brother inside, that he'll take care of us. he does just that.
miles, Jacob's younger brother, is literally one of the sweetest kids i've ever met. he hugs me for such a long time and directs us to a room with an open mattress. thank goodness melanie and i had brought our own pillows and blankets. mmm, long story short, the Ouija board is broken out and i get outttt of there. i join miles on the porch and wait for jacob. after much talk about his life and discovery of faith, melanie and i crash on our empty mattress. miles comes in and lays next to me, between me and the door, to protect us. i hug the kid like theres no tomorrow and we fall asleep. the last thing i remember him saying was "it's 5:30". i was woken up by jacob and kyle at i have noooo idea what time, because they want cigarettes? i stumble around and find them, and not long after, jacob stumbles in and joins the three of us sleeping. finally. rest. ... on a mattress?
we wake up around 10, melanie and i, and still have not heard a word from kaitlin. we torment jacob, the only one left in the bed with us, and finally get around to brushing our teeth. the sweetie, jacob, takes us back to our car in tahlequah. might i add, that tahlequah is 35 minutes away from westville. and Bell is about an hour away. this kid deserves the world. anywho - we eat lunch at some mexican place and are reunited with kaitlin. it's now... sunday?
sunday. chill. rent movies. go back to kaitlin's parents' house and watch them. pack and breathe, we are going to jupiter. we watch two movies, and after melanie naps, we go vandalize things. try to steal the "welcome to oklahoma" sign, get grass burns from diving repeatedly into the ditch, and come home with an orange finger from spray paint. we start up another movie and i don't remember anything else until waking up this morning at 11.
drive home. completely overjoyed. there are no words.
also - while in fayetteville, something about it just sang to me. i'm probably going there next semester. even my parents agree. which is a rare thing this week. or ever in college respects.
but now it's back to the real world, and i cannot think about it. i've already got a list of things i need to do. none of them i've even done yet because i had to get this all out before i forgot a single detail. i wish everyone could experience this feeling of freedom. we all need it.
rereading this, i realize this does my whole weekend absolutely no justice. damn it, i wish i had words. i wish i could actually make someone feel what i felt. i'm sorry that not a one of you reading this were there. i truly am.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
we'll hold your hand
very rarely do i feel compelled to write twice a day, but when it happens, there is no fighting the urge.
i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.
i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.
my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.
there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.
you are not alone in this.
i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.
i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.
my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.
there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.
you are not alone in this.
you are not alone in this
One of my biggest and well kept secrets were thrown out into the open. Literally thrown. After many skipped meals and clenched fists, I finally let go. I was let way off my guard and I then drove home in the fog. As much as I don't still want to be sick, I'm so nauseous.
I never make such large deals out of anything. I'm one of the most passive individuals sometimes, and most times I get caught under the bus. Yet this time, I want to take this in as a learning experience. I never really thought it was an issue just letting things fly, being so open with all of humanity. But I hate being caught under the bus. I hate when I lose control of my own life, I lose control of my own situations and decisions because no one else believes me when I say that I'm okay. That may have been what sucked the most. No, it definitely was. I have always fought my own battles. And for someone else to impose? I got aggravated, of course I did.
Things will be the same in days, months, years to come. You will still be the moon, you'll still be the stars, and you'll still be a bird. I meant it when I said I would love you forever. This just struck a chord.
I never make such large deals out of anything. I'm one of the most passive individuals sometimes, and most times I get caught under the bus. Yet this time, I want to take this in as a learning experience. I never really thought it was an issue just letting things fly, being so open with all of humanity. But I hate being caught under the bus. I hate when I lose control of my own life, I lose control of my own situations and decisions because no one else believes me when I say that I'm okay. That may have been what sucked the most. No, it definitely was. I have always fought my own battles. And for someone else to impose? I got aggravated, of course I did.
Things will be the same in days, months, years to come. You will still be the moon, you'll still be the stars, and you'll still be a bird. I meant it when I said I would love you forever. This just struck a chord.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
perpetual self
it's getting so close. and it's all falling into place, this trip.
it's weird to admit that i'm anxious to see my little tribe head. we don't even talk that often now that he's on tour, but he always makes it a point to call me at least once a day. telling me about the songs, and the shows, and the after parties. i'm leaving on thursday with melanie, and i never would have thought that she would be the first one to see where i grew up. she gets the extensive tour of the whole town, the view of my old blue house that is so far into the sticks, i actually had a fear of the cherokee little people.
i'm getting so excited.
i wear my fetishes around my wrist, and in my backpacks. i'm making lists and taking orders, and it's on my stereo.
i'm escaping to my bicycle tonight. so much longing.
the aroma is contagious.
it's weird to admit that i'm anxious to see my little tribe head. we don't even talk that often now that he's on tour, but he always makes it a point to call me at least once a day. telling me about the songs, and the shows, and the after parties. i'm leaving on thursday with melanie, and i never would have thought that she would be the first one to see where i grew up. she gets the extensive tour of the whole town, the view of my old blue house that is so far into the sticks, i actually had a fear of the cherokee little people.
i'm getting so excited.
i wear my fetishes around my wrist, and in my backpacks. i'm making lists and taking orders, and it's on my stereo.
i'm escaping to my bicycle tonight. so much longing.
the aroma is contagious.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
higher love
from who am I receiving all the answers?
I can hear it in the wind.
In the green sky we created together,
Your mane that's always been wild
The look in my sister moon's eyes,
The soil,
The earth.
The water.
All branches of the higher power
The center of love
The one who placed the moon
And began to forcefully control gravity.
It's you,
But even more. Maybe.
It's your creation that speak the loudest.
I can hear it in the wind.
In the green sky we created together,
Your mane that's always been wild
The look in my sister moon's eyes,
The soil,
The earth.
The water.
All branches of the higher power
The center of love
The one who placed the moon
And began to forcefully control gravity.
It's you,
But even more. Maybe.
It's your creation that speak the loudest.
the warmest light
tell me to move or to breathe fresh air.
Tell me this isn't a typewriter, that these are all my words. That this was all my idea. Tell me to come down from the clouds away from the light.
I don't want to hear it. I just keep lifting myself up with you, doing it hand in hand and I'm loving every minute of it. Every moment of independence. Every second of feeling like these blankets were made specifically for this instant. I need to be reminded of that always, and if you get me there? You can't be wrong. You can't be all that bad. I have to shrug off the old skin from those weeks and start fresh. Continue dancing to the Kingston station and let go of my arms. Keep my feet rooted in the true substance and get closer to the light. The warmest light.
Don't bring me down from this.
Tell me this isn't a typewriter, that these are all my words. That this was all my idea. Tell me to come down from the clouds away from the light.
I don't want to hear it. I just keep lifting myself up with you, doing it hand in hand and I'm loving every minute of it. Every moment of independence. Every second of feeling like these blankets were made specifically for this instant. I need to be reminded of that always, and if you get me there? You can't be wrong. You can't be all that bad. I have to shrug off the old skin from those weeks and start fresh. Continue dancing to the Kingston station and let go of my arms. Keep my feet rooted in the true substance and get closer to the light. The warmest light.
Don't bring me down from this.
Friday, August 20, 2010
those days are over
tell me i can erase everything. tell me to shut up, and keep quiet. tell me that none of that happened, and tell me i'm safe. opening the window made all of the wind rush in and i'm overwhelmed. it's like pushing stuff back under your bed after you've spent days deep cleaning your room. keep quiet, and don't let me make a noise.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
the end of the summer
okay, lets recall.
before i forget it all like a dream.
this weekend. did we smoke hookah in the back yard of the vacant house across the street? did we steal the water from the old lady on parkside? we got really sick that night, but it was worth it.
next day - did we steal the coolest things from the norman north art room? then break into theresas back yard late late at night to skinny dip? i really love those girls.
the next day, or yesterday,
i went in to check my schedule and met Luke. enough said.
then shopped for work clothes in the most crowded mall.
michael's party.
the tally was up to four on my wrist in pink pen. i kept emptying miller lites and before i know it i can't feel my fingers and kaitlin has to take away my phone.
bailey falling all over and
1. michael
2. bailey
3. mariah
4. kaitlin and mariah
did i really? that happened. it did.
melanie came to the rescue and i jumped in the pool naked at theresa's?
theresa's tree?
waffle. house.........................?
coming home and facing my dad?
i should be a lot worse than i was today. but i'm so thankful.
that night really needed to happen.
before i forget it all like a dream.
this weekend. did we smoke hookah in the back yard of the vacant house across the street? did we steal the water from the old lady on parkside? we got really sick that night, but it was worth it.
next day - did we steal the coolest things from the norman north art room? then break into theresas back yard late late at night to skinny dip? i really love those girls.
the next day, or yesterday,
i went in to check my schedule and met Luke. enough said.
then shopped for work clothes in the most crowded mall.
michael's party.
the tally was up to four on my wrist in pink pen. i kept emptying miller lites and before i know it i can't feel my fingers and kaitlin has to take away my phone.
bailey falling all over and
1. michael
2. bailey
3. mariah
4. kaitlin and mariah
did i really? that happened. it did.
melanie came to the rescue and i jumped in the pool naked at theresa's?
theresa's tree?
waffle. house.........................?
coming home and facing my dad?
i should be a lot worse than i was today. but i'm so thankful.
that night really needed to happen.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
old bear
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
and he was right,
she was right,
and i never knew a thing.
i don't know you
and i never really did.
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
i don't know you
and he was right,
she was right,
and i never knew a thing.
i don't know you
and i never really did.
moon comin' in
your song is on repeat, and the strumming of guitar makes me wanna cry.
the way he moves his head when he sings and everything you can see in his eyes.
i took out my first loan today.
it's weird to think about growing up, and how this is a portion of it. how this is me doing something huge. by myself. someone told me the other day that i was growing up fast. and i did everything i could to not panic about it. i've always been this sort of old soul, but i'm a child. i'm this child who still flings herself around and grumbles when she walks through spider webs. but i'm paying for my own school. i'm watering my own plants and sustaining life of two animals. i drive everywhere on my own, and i make small, everyday choices on my own. i make my own schedules, and i have my own dollars? though they are few, they are mine.
it's weird, and sometimes i wanna step back and breathe while i watch myself do things.
can i do that?
the way he moves his head when he sings and everything you can see in his eyes.
i took out my first loan today.
it's weird to think about growing up, and how this is a portion of it. how this is me doing something huge. by myself. someone told me the other day that i was growing up fast. and i did everything i could to not panic about it. i've always been this sort of old soul, but i'm a child. i'm this child who still flings herself around and grumbles when she walks through spider webs. but i'm paying for my own school. i'm watering my own plants and sustaining life of two animals. i drive everywhere on my own, and i make small, everyday choices on my own. i make my own schedules, and i have my own dollars? though they are few, they are mine.
it's weird, and sometimes i wanna step back and breathe while i watch myself do things.
can i do that?
Monday, July 26, 2010
shining like my sea
Remember getting on the first plane, opening up the book you're beginning and plugging into my old black machine. I'm engulfed in every emotion that my music is sharing with me and at one point, I'm convinced that the voice isn't in the speakers, but that it's standing behind me whispering life into my left ear. I turn pages and sip on ginger ale like I always do 36,000 feet in the sky. Above you and me and anything that would connect me to the things I'm used to.
I'm new.
The trees are a new sort of strong, resembling things I can relate to. I've realized that in most senses, we do not learn from things, we compare ourselves to them like mirrors. They're reflecting me, those little trees. Shining back, and I look away.
I'm in awe in this town, but I'm taken to a new level as my sandals are lost in tan grains. My long hair becomes tangled and is whipped by the wind which gives the aroma of my heaven. This is my earth. My crystals my rocks and my safe place. I'm drawn to the sea, just being near it. I step in and it stings my skin from all of my clumsy nicks and scratches, I'm always injuring my poor legs like a child, but in the water I'm full again. I collect each shell like it's golden. Like that's what I came here for. I hug my moms neck and my sister can see my gleaming. It's written all over me; this is home.
I'm new.
The trees are a new sort of strong, resembling things I can relate to. I've realized that in most senses, we do not learn from things, we compare ourselves to them like mirrors. They're reflecting me, those little trees. Shining back, and I look away.
I'm in awe in this town, but I'm taken to a new level as my sandals are lost in tan grains. My long hair becomes tangled and is whipped by the wind which gives the aroma of my heaven. This is my earth. My crystals my rocks and my safe place. I'm drawn to the sea, just being near it. I step in and it stings my skin from all of my clumsy nicks and scratches, I'm always injuring my poor legs like a child, but in the water I'm full again. I collect each shell like it's golden. Like that's what I came here for. I hug my moms neck and my sister can see my gleaming. It's written all over me; this is home.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
my ocean
It was the orange sun setting with the patches of purple and yellow sky peeking through and setting around it. It was the still water, and the longboards. The sand casting your skin and the wind tangling my brown hair. My skin burned when I got deeper in the ocean because of my clumsy nicks on my legs. It was my green skirt covered in sand and dipped in the salty water. It was the calcium formed shells in my hands and it was my brother. It was my italian family, and it was the moon.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
timshel
is it bad that i want to become something so new to everyone that i don't have to explain my past? i want to be so far away sometimes that no one even cares anymore. i don't want people to refer to times in my life as "when you and collin broke up". whoooo issss heeee, i don't even know. i rode my bike past his street today and didn't even look down the stretch of it. i feel so disconnected from him and from junior year's greg. i don't know any of them, and you don't know me either. get me out of here. i'm starting to feel like the moon, and you're becoming the ocean. or am i the ocean spitting salt into every open and wounded area of your skin? i'm stealing your life, and collaborating with gravity. i can't help it.
i'm not alone in this. god, this is my first night alone. my bed feels so big, but it's mine and i've lost touch with it, and this keyboard. with all of this music. this feeling of drifting, this feeling of hanging on.
i can feel the tide turning. i'm the one pushing and pulling.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
rice bread and cookies
the journey began that monday -
after seeing off my girl to Boston, and driving that three hours that have become second nature to me. we picked him up that night at the airport, and the journey began.
We were so excited, always planning what we were going to do next, always on our feet, always together. Nothing's changed, except we now have negative dollars.
The rough patch has passed, thank the Lord, and now it's weird to comprehend that he'll be leaving for Holland again in less than a week. He told me a few days ago that he probably won't be coming back next year because he'll be saving for Australia - where he'll be living Spring 2012. That's weird too. I've never travelled out of the country, and especially never by myself. It's weird to think that within the next few years, if I want to see him, I'll have to fly over seas. I'll have to buy the tickets, and it's going to take a lot of saving and planning. Both of which I am awful at.
That all can change.
Just like the breakdown I had in my living room,
just like your breakdown.
Just like that friendship that's blossoming, and the ones that are fading away-
that all can change.
I'm making rice right now because cookies and bread aren't good, sustainable food. Especially for someone who is hypoglycemic like myself. Just drinking my ice cold Diet Coke, and enjoying this little inkling of solitude I have at my kitchen table.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
numbers no paintings
i don't even know what to say or where to begin. i'm sorry;
those words have sunken into clay,
and they don't even make sense anymore because you are light like a feather.
you don't believe me. you never believe me, and you put on this face
then erase it away. you shake it because it's me.
because it's you. it's all you and i guess instead of paint and colors;
dreams and visions and braids,
i need numbers. i need words, i need touch.
but i haven't had any of that until a few nights ago.
about the mountain man. the vegetarian. the Buddhist meditation.
you came back and i put us in this room together
with blue walls,
a huge lotus and we are birthed in the same room.
but i push that away because i forget that you
have fallen for a rose. a delicate,
blood thirsty rose with fresh squeezed lime.
and you. you keep adding onto your art
and your small little body.
all i want to do is road trip with you.
but you don't hear me.
you can't hear me,
i can't even hear myself over the visions of waves.
i picture myself by the sea, with layers upon layers blowing
with my curly hair.
it's always moving
moving away to different states.
different states of mind.
i'm flipping, but i'm finally steady.
i'm steady and can you evennn hearrrr meeeeeeeeeeeee.
please hear me
because you kept my hand guided.
you kept books in my bag,
and those delicate, intricate things tucked gently away.
away from my cave.
away from my state of mind.
you kept me pure.
when did i become so reliant.
i just really want to go back to the ocean.
back to the guitars and the music,
back to my books.
drown me in words, i used to stay under.
shine in meeeeeeee
and please hear me out that you are my blood,
and i don't mean to hurt you.
i have to do this for me.
please.
please.
hear. me. out.
pour me some tea
and let me get lost in my
peace of mind.
my chest and heart have opened further than ever,
but you're lost in your colors and paintings.
open your chest
and breathe me in.
Monday, June 14, 2010
this rain
open your heart and mind and soul.
relax your body
relax your body
because nothing should hurt.
only let things in that you would be proud of.
your body is a temple
clean
pure
and
holy.
love should be extended
and your mind should be open
and relaxed
just relax.
relax.
calm down
and everything changes
everything happens for a reason.
you are free and i am free
and this rain is making me want to cry
i can't read
i can't even write.
i just want to remind myself that
my heart and mind and soul should be open.
wide. open.
being alive; that's the treasure.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
i have it
i haven't written in a while, and it's sure not because of lack of time. but because i really don't have anything to say that's worth reading.
i have it.
i haven't told anyone this because i've been trying to fight it. i don't even know how to describe the way i feel sometimes. displaced? surreal? but not like a haze sort of feeling, but absence. and it's scary. and i have to talk myself out of it. i have to distract myself from feeling like life isn't real.
and you guys help me do it.
i remember sitting around the table, you're all so loving. out in the middle of nowhere at your house, and you're all so loving. and the thing is, there is no substance that can make me feel as full as that group did that time. and it was a perfect group. a few imperfections, and some of you had inhaled things inside of you that could've made you that way, but i don't care because it made you beautiful.
you're all beautiful. and you all keep me distracted and uplifted.
you're all so loving.
it's you. and it's a few others that keep me distracted. it's pages and pages of words that i keep reading. that i tape to my walls, my doors, and it keeps me level-headed and above everything that my mind tries to convince me is right.
it's all wrong.
everything is wrong,
except the beauty in you.
and across the country at a music festival. you're the most beautiful one.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
uttermost secrets.
Last night I had probably one of the weirdest dreams I've had in quite sometime, and I remember nearly ever aspect.
according to my stuffing hangers in my backpack, I'm "getting the hang of a situation, or needing motivation". and to remember, I was putting the hangers - there were so many, i was stuffing them all in my backpack. this represents that there's some decision or responsibility that's weighing me down, and Bailey Walker helped me through it, I suppose. She led me through muddy waters. I was barefoot and she commented, "I wish I could feel ittttt".
Mud: suggests that you are involved in a sticky, messy situation. also that you need internal cleansing.
After all of this, my friend Kaitlin and I went to the snowcone stand in my car. But something happened to where I couldn't leave and I started to have anxieties so I took off running. I was so passionate about it, and so exhilerated. I ran for so long, headed towards my house. While I was waiting on one of the lights, this boy on a bike asked why I was running and included my name. I had never seen him before, but he touched my arm and I didn't even question how he knew my name because the light turned green and I took off again.
First of all, to dream that I am running away from someone signifies that I'm trying to avoid a situation. To run alone means that I'm surpassing the ones around me, or that I need to "hurry up and make a decision".
A stoplight symbolizes that I feel like I'm being held back from one of my goals.
Then I read that "To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice."
Okay, so I'm still running and I run into my friend Alan who grabs me and is telling me that the stranger is stalking me and he doesn't know why I even talked to him. He pulls me down behind this wall by the street and his eyes are puffy and red. He's high, and he's telling me that I need to smoke with him. That he has weed on him and that it'd be so easy. I keep denying and finally I take off running again.
"If someone else is using marijuana or trying to get your to use it, then it indicates negative peer pressure or loss of control".
After I'm running again, I run into a small, construction area that I have to crawl threw. But crawling slows down my pace, so I decide that I need to get on the upper level and run that way. But the upper level is upside down, so I'm struggling and spinning, and I get back down on the first level and run while I'm knocking my head on the boards above me.
"To see construction in your dream, signifies a new surge of energy, growth, ambition and renewed confidence. It may also represent the rebuilding of your own life."
"To dream that you are spinning, signifies confusion. You are feeling out of control."
This is all I remember because then my phone was ringing - Mariah waking me up.
it's funny how much in sharing your dreams, you're in turn sharing your uttermost battles and secrets. Like the other day, I was sharing with Mariah, Bailey and Kyler that I had a dream that this huge snake was thrown at me. Bailey then shares that snakes represent sexual desires......
....
..
. ...
..
.
.
.......
how do I respond to that?
I bleached some of my hair today, and got a million and one applications, an on the spot interview, and several hopefuls.
fingers crossed.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
bird song
last night i dreamt that Lady Gaga sang Healer by Kari Jobe.
there's so much more i could say. that i need to say and write down.
like jacob
and my birthday
how i graduated,
what i'm getting.
where i'm going.
my frustrations that are so deep within.
going to usao now.
Monday, May 17, 2010
sing along and be prepared
i'll keep saying this - it's natural. it was natural, and good, and easy. his car is a little spaceship. so futuristic with it's blue lights and compact nature. he bought me a diet coke, and we flew into space away from everything we knew.
anxiety. just that word makes my heart race, and i am sick of it. i want to be free to talk about blood, to think about flying. to walk into hospitals. to not worry about you or being there. to not feel anxious about anything. to not lose my appetite. i take those little drops under my tongue and it's gone. sometimes. or it makes my knees quiver incessantly.
let me open my armssssssssss
i hate that you don't write. i check everyday. "take this life".
this was you and me.
next week we graduate.
my hands are dyed.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
the sleeping sickness
the morning rolls in
"coom coom chow" were some of the first words out of my mouth, and that's all i remember about my dream. my mom tried to wake me up and my eyes wouldn't open without watering, they were so red. and swollen.
last night was the first night in a while that i didn't have to take tylenol before sleeping because of my jaw. that's a nice feeling.
today's been so long.
i'm done with my finals at occc, thank the Lord. feels like such a relief. i never have to go back to that school again. i'm going to usao, officially. have i said this? i have to pay for it, but if it's supposed to happen, it will. it's in God's hands.
tomorrow.
dreamers art show.
i'm falling asleep.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
gives me hope for the best in everyone
it's natural. you invited me to come to the soccer game with you and your friend. you were appalled that i declined, and you texted me after the game. you asked what i was doing, and i was reading Winter of Our Discontent with mariah around her black trunk. you were short, and i asked why. "well i was going to come say hii buttt you are at mariahs but das okayy :)"
we started to share secrets,
sort of backwards, none of it made sense and we were just filling the empty spaces.
there was silence, and no words.
i confessed that i missed you.
deep breath, and keep reading chapter two of this book on my bed.
your turn and you said, "umm i've missed hanging out with you and lately i have been thinkin about some stuff"
"stuff?"
"idk just stuff... :) but i'm about to pass out, i'll talk to you tomorrow"
followed by his goodnights and sleep wells.
i try to pull it out of him. we make plans to see each other this weekend?
"just thinking about what would of happened with us if i wasn't an idiot and just some of the good times we hadd"
"honestly, been on my mind lately too."
"i just don't know if that a good or bad thing to be doin. ya know?"
"story of my life. good because we both miss each other. bad because what do we even want?"
"that and just summer and college is so close and i just don't think it's a good idea to get close to anyone"
"you leave so soon. fuuuuck what are we doing. but we can't plan anything. what happens happens. :/ Gods will"
where will we go. do we disappear? even as much as he screwed me over, i'm attached to him. i hate hate hate to admit that, but it's honest and raw. it made my stomach drop when he told me he's moving in less than two months.
i hate that.
i HATE that i am so gentle and compassionate sometimes. but it's all i haveeeeeeee. it's all i knowwww. it's all i will ever know. and he's a part of my heart. even after his screw ups and how he can be such a jerrrrrrk, i can always see into him, straight to his heart. that's there somewhere.
he said, "just gotta stay in touch ya know? i guess we will really figure out how much we care about each other next year and so forth"
i could cry.
and my stomach is turning.
more about being 3 minutes away when we're back home.
"we'll be in the same state. we could still see each other if we really wanted"
"opposite sides of the state haha but yess we will come back home though and just be 3 mins awayy :)"
i hate that this blog is all about this conversation because i had such a good day today.
God. It's in Your hands. Where am I going.
all of this was worth it
you know, it's gotten back to the point where this isn't small talk.
it's natural. if a conversation is ended, you spark up another one.
when did this become the case and why is this happening again?
my red light blinks and "Don't." is what comes up on my inbox.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
But I continue to.
Friday, May 7, 2010
rescue remedy
new herbal remedy
in my stream of flow.
the smell of your smoke,
eucalyptus skin
flaking off like
winters dry
arms.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
ocean rope
i dream and pretend that
i'm at the ocean,
i can almost feel the wind and the sand.
i dream about moving in with mariah
i dream about who i'm going to meet
she dreamt about the cupboard full of blankets.
the house that went underground with the greenhouses.
i'm even dreaming of going to that school.
it isn't for sure, but i'm walking on faith everyday.
it'd be my gust of wind that i need to extend.
i met a girl named Bri Lyon today who'd been in my class this whole time. we have the same gauges and we know the same people. smallllll world.
my eyes are heavy and i could've been sleeping hours ago.
hours have past and i've disappeared
into the ocean.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
soup and celery
wonder who i'll meet.
wonder what i'll learn,
who i'll become, and what will we do?
actually - what am i doing this summer?
what am i doing for my birthday? graduation?
I got accepted into USAO yesterday and my parents showed no excitement.
wish wish wish
they would care about what i want to do.
this weekend, dallas.
next weekend, touring?
the next, charl's graduation
and the next is mine.
where has it all gone?
Monday, May 3, 2010
synced as my sister
take me to a place where there is always the faint sound of birds.
where there is always soup being made, and the windows are open.
the doors don't know the meaning of being closed, and arms are always wide open.
string is another necessity, and you don't need a television.
paper, and pen with keys and paint and string.
somewhere that feels like being wrapped in your favorite soft quilt,
with your favorite pillow that's stuffed with feathers.
where your family is each of your fingertips.
you have uplifting branches, and solid roots, deep in the ground.
yet your leaves are free to grow and catch the breeze of the tide.
take me to a place where you never feel this far away.
where there's always punctuation in your voice,
and you always feel me there with you.
i want to go with you
i want to grow with you.
i want to be who you think about always,
and i want to be your rock, your arms, your jacket;
i want to be your own heart.
i want to be the turquoise that you wrap around your finger.
i can't wait to see where we grow and what we become while you're miles away.
further than the three hours distance we've been for five years now.
we're always synced. we've always been connected, and nothing.
nothing.
no thing
can change us.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
it's may
1- today, I guess
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13- charl's birthday/last day of otrip
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27- graduation
28- 18th birthday/last day of higschool. sort of.
29- grad/birthday party
30
31
oh the admiration in falling asleep
I don't even know what to write anymore. If you were standing in front of me, I couldn't tell you what I'm thinking. I couldn't tell you why I don't want to be at my house. I could, but I don't want to talk about it, I guess.
I lay in bed and I think about the next day. What I always always think about before I let myself go to bed is what I want to wear tomorrow. What will make me feel comfortable, happy and myself. You know when you can't seem to drift off to sleep because there's something you've forgotten to do? That's my something. After I think about it, even for a moment, my whole body relaxes and then I'm off to my coma.
I can't imagine not sleeping.
I've started to wear this again, but it doesn't make me feel any better sometimes. Most times it does, actually. I feel safe in it. It's last year, and it's tomorrow and the next days and days. Remember the drawer.
Remember the green beads and shells.
The bottles of soda with the marble.
Your walls.
Your mirror.
Shirts,
shorts,
heap of clothes that you always made sure was gone before I walked in.
I don't know why all of this has suddenly rushed back into my memory.
I don't know.
Sometimes I'm okay with it, until I realize that you're in my head again. But there's this freedom that I love about not having you. Not needing you. Like sitting alone at a play, there's a freedom. Like moving away. Not being known is sort of freeing.
The little home button on my pink and yellow phone. Pushing that is so. freeing.
Who's going to fill those shoes? Sometimes I don't like to think about it. I don't. Where are my statues going to fall? Who's going to build my city?
I'm not completely alone. I'm always under their wings. Under your. wings.
I couldn't say this if I were to try.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
my safe haven
please take me back to that time when you were laying face down on my floor.
erase the strangers who sat there staring back at me.
erase the clear string, that i couldn't even reach.
remember?
please remember.
you were with me, and i was with you.
like i always am.
like i will always be. for you.
you don't realize that you have encouraged and pulled me.
where would this be? where could you find this?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
moon
exhaling,
my cardigan
rolling down
my back
and arms
like smoke.
gliding
and
drifting
down
the neck
of the deepest
wooden woman.
she dances
with pulsing emotion,
rhythmically aligned
with the enumerated
stars.
scratching
the snare.
the lights go out
and there is a glittery,
glowing,
fluorescent
feel to her spirit.
blameless
and contagious.
pure-hearted gem.
wild rice
continuously murmuring my mantra,
today was a good day.
down a few bucks. my shoulders, yet again, are relaxed.
exhaling with my arm stretched upwards towards the ceiling,
my body feels brand new again.
dancing and laughing in bollywood.
the weather was beautiful. the windows were down and the sun was so hot on my skin. it turned a shade of pink, enhancing my freckles. this is it. there was a chill in the wind, and my foot couldn't accelerate past 40. i liked that.
jazz concert - michael boyle, double bassist.
seeing him in his element was unreal. he's so flamboyant, full of passion. Hal Corn. The pianist. I don't remember his name. Tam went with me, last minute decision, and i drove my dad's car.
There's something about coming home and being alone in this living room.
There's something I could hold onto.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
glittery and fluorescent reflections
everything is pointing me towards the ocean.
the pink marble flooring on the walls.
the salt
the skirts
the wind and my curls.
i think about it almost everyday.
shells and mermaids against the rocks;
green. brown, turquoise.
november 7th seems like so long ago.
do i ever want to change? considering the distance it seems date wise makes it seem so so far away. but remembering it feels like yesterday, and you know this. i always tear myself up about it, but lately? there's this odd peace about it. not comfort, but peace. i feel it's alright, and i'm not as ashamed.
you know this.
when i think of "my prayer", it embarrasses me to even consider. not even to do it in the future, but that i have. upon many occasions. i don't know that i could count on one hand; and for what. to be eaten by the wooden stairs i used to slide down on. i used to spill tea on those stairs. my feet were lost in them. that old, now, brown leather couch engulfed me and wrapped it's stuffed arms around me.
i'm not proud of it.
but i'm okay about it.
complete goodness and purity.
an open and free heart.
comfort with what's ahead.
that my spirit that mirrors yours will glow, shine and be contagious.
unconditional compassion.
unconditional.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
this too shall pass
ill write better.
lately - -
crap load of homework laying on my shoulders, tightening my jaw. waking me up in the morning. this too shall pass.
worrying about quartz admission. we find out this week.
what do i do with my life; the eternal question. will we ever know?
looking down at my right middle finger, the turquoise gem wrapped in sterling silver and that beautiful lady named Julie from Arkansas who sold it to me. med fair with my brother. the stars, compatibility with the stones, native.
prom. .. . ... ..
my sister. my blood. my first grade love. alley in massachusetts. woke up with IVs. conversation with patty, drove around sobbing. dialing anyone who would answer. please answer. i was a wreck.
"i feel very lucky".
sigh of relief.
i don't know you anymore with your flat-front shorts.
i keep daydreaming -
braces
college
you
me
living alone
only a part of me, holding my hand?
sometimes thats all i can see.
my statues of everything good, and everything right.
the smell of faerie wings
floating and soaring around, entangling itself in my fibers.
the stones, the water.
the turquoise masks.
leather shoes
and the stairs.
stairs.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
alive
i don't want this to end.
tonight was too good, even doing homework. even feeling awkward at the art show because i had already seen every piece a million times.
i like seeing you three - mariah, michael, miriel.
i like that we're all in the same english class.
i like that we sat at the gray owl and talked about nothing, but it was all so good.
we walked outside and it was still warm. each time.
it's still beautiful.
yet there's lightening. everywhere, it seriously won't stop.
it's storm season, but i feel myself coming alive.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
you
tuck me in, and wrap your everlasting arms around me.
tell me of your love, and tell me how we are all together.
tell me it's okay
remind me that it's in your hands.
reread every book to me.
instill in me your love.
keep me warm, but cool
keep me safe and secure
you're my honor
you're the bigger picture.
matthew
mark
luke
you're the bigger picture.
you're love. you're mercy and grace and purity and goodness.
you're whole.
let your light shine through me,
through every circulation,
every motion, every word.
you're love.
and everlasting.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
why not me?
we've been talking. i've been telling him how mexico is his home, how he belongs there.
he's been on my mind the past week. we've been talking.
today, he sees me in the hall and he hugs me. we talk for a good two minutes and i retreat to the art room. the first time i had talked to him in person since november. i couldn't stop chewing and peeling and scratching my lips.
he's been on my mind.
tonight he texts me "hii :)" and we talk. he's not happy.
he's so stressed, and my heart breaks. he doesn't feel okay with school, it's not for him, and i know this. kelsey knows this. after seeing him in mexico, it's apparent that he doesn't belong here. i asked what his motivation was and he said "i have none.." he has nothing to live for here, and it's breaking me. i reach out to him. i tell him to lay it out for me. to pour it on top of me, and he does. it breaks me even further.
he thanks me and thanks me for listening, for giving him time.
then he just starts apologizing for everything he did. and i can't take it. he's telling me how good and loyal i was, and how he hasn't forgiven himself.. what do i do? like, what can i say?
he tells me that i'm a girl he doesn't want out of his life for any reason. that he knows it's his fault for our growing apart, and he's sorry. he keeps apologizing.
he keeps telling me how i didn't deserve it.
i don't know what to say. ever. i dont.
all i know to say is to learn from it... it had to be someone.
catching up, updating.
getting sleepy.
"will you sing me to sleep?"
"sure :) which song?"
"mm, something sleepy and easy"
"mmm how abouttt.. for the widows in paradise? :) i've been playing that on guitar lately"
shit.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
feathers with the stars and planets
the stars is one thing i miss most about living in a quiet, country town. the stars were so illuminated in my well-lit neighborhood made me feel safe. sort of like it was the single feather i needed on my floor.
today was one of the longest days, but it was such a good day. lets see.
this morning, after scurrying to get dressed and freshened, i drove to mariah's house to have breakfast with her. walking through her already unlocked front door, being greeted by her little dog with the fastest moving tail i've ever seen, i walked to her bedroom door and shook the handle. i guess she sleeps with her door locked. i tapped my index finger on the door, hoping she'd hear me and wake up. she unlocked the door and jumped right back into bed and covered herself with her covers. we layed there talking and giggling until we decided that we wanted waffles with peanut butter and syrup. we gathered ourselves to leave her heat box of a room to find frozen waffles and to make hot tea. cocoa chai. we ate in her house alone, watching transvestite trash shows. we cleaned our plates in the sink. she went to get her gift from zula and we made her healing moon tea. tasted like chamomile.
church by 12, there until 2.
went to see the spud hallways at school, and they're looking so good.
drove to meet my dad at the mall to get my mom's more than deserving birthday gift. geeze.
i tried to go home at 3, but Marge was still inside and i always hate being in my house while she's cleaning. i feel like i need to talk to her, and i hate that feeling. so i stayed in my car, played bon iver and read Eat, Pray, Love - which i'm rereading. i can't ever get enough. i forgot how much i love it. how well she writes, and how well i feel like i can understand her. my windows were rolled down, and i could've fallen asleep if it weren't for the cop that pulled up to stare at me, as if i were doing something suspicious. i'm sorry, but this is my front yard. proceeeeeeed.
zac, dad, kayli and i all hung out in my kitchen/dining area waiting for my mom to get off work to eat dinner. it was so comfortable and so nice to laugh and not be annoyed. when my mom got home, we sat down for dinner and the words "just turn it off" came out of my dads mouth, referring to the tv. if you know anything about my family, this speaks a million leagues. we sat there. no one had their phone out, and we had dinner. we talked and enjoyed each other. i think that was the first time it had ever happened, sadly. honestly.
after dinner, i got coffee with kayli where we saw kyle. i've written about him before; the guy at starbucks who's also a student at occc? i never knew his name until tonight. we left kyle with his dreams of green beer and free queso and went to youth.
on the way to youth, kayli and i somehow got on the subject of the mysteries of life. how it's so strange that we're here. that we have full days and that we're here. "it's beyond me". how we view christianity differently than my youth pastor. i honestly don't think that my God, the one that only requires us to recklessly love, would send us to hell for saying and supposed "cuss word". how in maturing, i feel like i'm more comfortable in my faith. it's not a set of rules, it's.. hard to explain, but it's something you just feel compelled to do. it's not strict, it's just to love. it feel so good to feel that freedom. i remember being young and literally fearing God. i was terrified of all of the doom that could come of disobeying my parents, or anything of that sort. i told kayli about how in my book, the author describes God as being anything you believe, it could take on whatever name, whatever pronoun, because it's however it speaks to you most. and that openness? is something i feel like i've always been reaching for.
after youth, i went home and grabbed a diet coke and drove to mariah's house for 'movie night' with her michael and bailey. since it was about 9, we didn't have time to watch donnie darko, but we watched the real world and all complained about the red-headed bitch who whines more than maisi's manic depressive dog. geeze. when momma decided to go to bed, the four of us went to get drinks at classics and michael paid for all of our drinks :) we drove around campus, constantly controlling the heater of bailey's car and finally made it back to mariahs room. her warm, always cozy room. we sat there until we absolutely had to leave, and we never wanna leave. sulphur in two days, copeland in two weeks. mmm.
i drove home on empty roads which i always love, and came home to a quiet house. clean.
one feather on the floor.
the stars are aligning.
and the planets,
and i don't know why the watertower reminded me of you.
i don't know why i'm so compassionate sometimes. it surprises even me.
i hope his heart is overwhelmingly full.
i hope i never stop smelling like cocoa chai,
and i hope you're always this good. this happy. this abundant. the longer the text about your love for mexico and those children, the more i want you to stay. the more i want you to move to uganda, the more i want to go with you. it's worth it. worth the single feather on the floor.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
selfless
never want you to leave. never want you to leave. never.
i want to be close to so many people so distant.
i'm so aware of every inch of myself, and i've been on tumblr for literally the past hour. i'm to the point where facebook makes me sick again, and i just want to lay in bed. sleeeep with my pillow THAT'S IN MY CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i just remembereedddddd
:'( shit.
anyways...
the trees are starting to bloom, and there are fresh dandelions in your kitchen.
we all need new skin,
the end of our hibernation with our heaters and layers.
time to start showing our shoulders again, and i'm more than ready.
cosi e la vita
my ipod is frozen, of course.
tried to download avatar and there's just noise. i could care less about what they're saying half the time. i just want to live there. there on pandora.
i lost an hour of sleep. not that i notice.
my nose.
my lip.
my knee.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
rick fairless' strokers
and sometimes i just get the urge to write,
not on here, but on paper
with a pen that's always by my bed, and the notebook i started in 2005.
i'm not even halfway through.
but of course, i'm so far away from that.
at the worst moment.
just wanna write.
in this long sleeved, tye dye shirt with a huge skull on the back.
haha, yeahhhh, it's been quite a day.
hey dallas
was supposed to get my sun today, right on the back of my neck. 2 months shy of 18. instead, i passed out right outside of a harley davidson store with my dad and brother. and a million bikers. i face planted into the concrete and i have scrapes and bruises, a torn up lip, and a cut nose to prove. you can’t feel the throbbing, but it happens. i don’t remember what ever happens when i pass out, except the warm relaxed feeling i always get. i spin, like i’m dreaming, and i wake up. this time, in a chair with my dad yelling my name, a biker putting cookies in my hands. “i’m sorry” was all i could get out. my dad kept shaking me, and, “i want to lay down”. i stumbled to the car and that’s when i couldn’t stop crying. not because my face was bleeding, not because my toes were scraped, but because it’s so annoying that my body just shuts off. just restarts and throws me down, face-first. it scares whoever i’m with, i hate it. because of this, the whole day was sort of weird, and i didn’t want to eat or anything. i miss monica and mariah and my bed. and i miss my comfortable house. my body aches.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
wheat grass
yanno, i think about summer and i keep pushing.
i think about this weekend, and i keep pushing.
i think about what i'll be wearing which is little, and i think about how my hair will continue to grow and my heart and my friendships with you and the new ones i still seem to be creating. i don't know how i create some so easily, and some are so adamant about leaving. adamant. reckless. they're so ready, but i'm okay. as long as you leave silently. just you, because we were unhealthy.
i'm glad that this is so small. no one knows about it besides a handful of people. i think i've told a person or two who's forgotten, and i don't even mind. people come and they go like memories. like clothes that you wear and let go of.
i went to his house today after lunch and he was working on his car. i park in the street and get out and walk up to him. do i hug him? do i not? "hiiiii" he was wearing a pinkish/purple shirt with stripes. it was like we had known each other for so long, it was so easy. he shows me what's under his hood, and he points out what he made. additions to his engine? i don't even know. it's like a foreign language. we look at monica, "wanna drive my car?" we get in and he has to adjust the seat because i'm 5'2. he's 6'0. we drive around his neighborhood, and we get back and he parks my car next to his. he tells me he's the only one home and i comment on his house, he tells me he'll give me a tour. we walk in and he mentions the couch they got recently, then points out the couch they used to use which just happens to be a laid over punching bag. he walks me down the hall to his room, pushes open the door and comments on how he ran out of paint as he was painting his walls. also about how he started to paint his door, but hated the color. hated. "it's okay, admit it looks dumb". sharing the same wall was his sister's room, he reached for the handle, closing the door, and comments on how she's never here. he shakes his head, and says he's always sleeping at her boyfriends. he keeps shaking his head. we walk back outside and just talk until i have to leave for class. old friends, plans, the sun, skateboarding? his class, grades, occc. i get in my car and start it, and he reaches up to grab his garage door. pulls it down, and it was so easy.
mantra
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
let go and feel free to do what you want.
Monday, March 1, 2010
still a new dawn
there is so much peace and contentment running through me and washing over everyone holding me up.
this is a new year. there's no doubt that everything about it is completely different than last year. it's march, and it's still continuing to be refreshing. i'm so excited to graduate, and it's not because i get to leave all of the negativity around me, or because of the people, it's because i'm ready to grow in a completely different level. Thinking about how everyone is going to move in different directions used to make me want to cry for days. but now when i think about it, it's so exciting. we're all going in different areas to learn different things regarding a million different things, and we get to share it with everyone when we're all reunited. we're going to treasure everyone more, and we're going to keep growing. we're going to have space and we're going to be blessed.
realize how lucky you areeeeee.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
skinny love
sometimes all i can see when i close my eyes is the way i rode my bike past truman. i remember the way it felt and how it was sort of hard to go up that little slight hill. i need my bike air pump. whatever. he neds his english book. sometimes i see him and wonder if he sees me. i don't know that i really care, but i still wonder. he looks so proud and so different. he doesn't look the same. maybe he always has. his big black coat. his tiny white car, it's all so different. a big part of me loves it. i hope he doesn't talk about me. i don't want to be in his stories. his friends still wave at me, except for the girls who just sort of make sure i'm wearing weird things. they all look me up and down. every single time. or they glare at me. three more months. just three. not even. sometimes i don't know if i can make it, and other times when i think about it, my chest sort of caves in and my heart stops. three months. ill also be eighteen. i'll be legal. i'll be nearly grown. i feel different than i did two years ago, i really do feel like i've changed. especially in my writings. i was so straight forward and sure. now i'm constantly second guessing every action. i sort of like that better sometimes. i think it's strengthening. i love that i've kept journals for 5 years. i like that even when i was little liked to write. i wrote backwards on our furniture when i was young. i would write my moms name of all things. i've always admired her. there's something about her that makes me want to cry. i could cry. everyone is growing. everyone is moving and changing and transforming. it's weird to think about what's in front of my. where i'm headed and where i'll be in even 5 months. that's nothing. 5 months? in four months Ruben is staying in oklahoma. i. cannot. wait. he's going to make this summer so much better. ruben, the ocean, possibly waka, definitely many roadtrips, new memories and saying goodbye. i won't be able to do it. last night was so warm, i want you all to stay right by me. two hours even seems so far away. i don't know, i think we can do it. i don't know.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
frozen jellyfish
february 23
mariah was born 18 years ago today.
it's been an all around good day. i've been constantly surrounded by good, beautiful people and kind hearts. from the morning i stepped out of my garage until this moment. sitting on this cheetah-printed chase lounge.
i don't ever want this comfort to leave or flee from these bones.
mariah was born 18 years ago today.
it's been an all around good day. i've been constantly surrounded by good, beautiful people and kind hearts. from the morning i stepped out of my garage until this moment. sitting on this cheetah-printed chase lounge.
i don't ever want this comfort to leave or flee from these bones.
driving in michael's tiny orange mustang with 3 of the most perfect people. such a comfort. daydreaming about when we're going to be on the highway together again going to Copeland's farewell tour. listening to copeland. singing. harmonizing. we were all so happpyyyy.
dreaming of the sun on our skin, the time we're going to get to tulsa.
how we're going to cry.
the sky's going to be pitch black on our way home.
i don't want to become frozen jellyfish.
Friday, February 19, 2010
catch my dreams
today didn't feel like friday. i woke up in a different room. i woke up to my internal clock, 57 minutes before my alarm was set to wake me up.
funny dreams that felt so real.
Dwayne's birthday party in third hour, i wasn't there much. either copying CLC pages or visiting mariah. she gave me two grape tomatoes in exchange for two cookies.
:) mmm.
i had a two hour nap, and i still feel like i could sleep until my eyes won't even open anymore.
i broke off whatever alan and i had. because i honestly feel like i'm supposed to be alone. he understood that at first, then it got too far. we got too close, and i felt uneasy about it. i have to learn to follow my heart. i've never learned how to do that, even after awhile of realizing it's a problem of mine.
i'm sorry if that flaw of mine has hurt you.
know that.
in sweatpants and my 80s tennis shirt, i wish i were with you in new york city. you're completely blessed beyond recognition, and this is exactly what you needed. i'm praying for you always. i feel like i haven't seen nor talked to you in days, but we've talked at least a little bit ever since the day you left.
i'm so tired. my fingers barely move, but i felt like i needed to write.
i am surrounded by webs and feathers. marking every corner of my room.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
for you
i hope you're enjoying new york city. i really think it'll be everything you need it to be. space, interesting things to give you inspiration, and a time to rest. i'm so glad you went, even though i know i'm going to feel empty without you to be my lunch partner tomorrow. we've gone every thursday for the longest time. you're experiencing the business of new york city. tonight youll see what i meant when the lights on times square are blinding. but those hotels really put in the right blinds. closing them is like hiding the sun, and it's amazing. youll notice how cars still honk outside your window at 2 in the morning. i hope you read this and it gives you rest.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"while we were friends"
basically broken up with, i can't tell if i should rejoice or feel broken. a wrote a note to someone i used to consider my best friend. i poured out every emotion in 7 pages. i gave it to her, left it on her backpack. it was everything that had been laying on me. heavily. i get no response whatsoever. when i question if she read it, her words exactly were, 'yes i did. sorry i'm at workkk'. understandable, so i don't respond. no response. no word. until this morning. of course it was this morning because this morning was the worst i've had in i couldn't tell you how long. started off waking up from an awful dream that i could've cried from. i woke up feeling dirty and used and abused. i felt disgusting. living in that haziness that morning, i slammed my finger in my dresser door. made funny tasting coffee. hit my head - yeah, i know - on the door frame of my garage. sort of just drove unknowingly to school. parked. walked into the art room with frozen fingers like i do every morning. mariah michael bailey brooke. after small talk of the morning, the first bell rings. she hands me a note written on old, faded paper. she designed the trim. hand drawn in pen. it was then that i received the most demeaning, bitter response letter i think i've ever gotten. she used the words 'while we were friends'. and signed out, 'bye.'
i'm confused. did i just lose a 'best friend'? or did i lose a friend all together? i didn't know how to respond, so i just sat there looking at my collage. do i text her, write a response, hunt her down and pour out every word that can't explain what i'm thinking? can't explain my confusion.
i saw heather tonight at lifestream and i tell her that i had been broken up with, basically. she jokes around, and is shocked when i tell her that i feel as though she really has ended everything we ever knew together. we conclude that because of her personality, it'd be better to act sooner than later. i'm more of a "ride it out and see where it goes" kind of girl, but sometimes God places me in these positions for a reason.
as mariah and i are sitting in my driveway after lifestream, i get a text saying
'hey i think i'm just going to start riding with kimi to school'
i just sort of pause and mariah tells me i just have to jump into it or i never will.
i wouldn't.
i responded,
'can i call you?'
no response.
guess that's goodbye...?
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