in my distress on monday

there are so many things i could cry about. i could cry because everyone i got close to moved away. i’m so far away from everyone. the way my dad was sobbing. thats the main one. the way he said “i don’t know” when i asked why he was crying. the way his face wrinkled up by his eyes when he was crying and how his big hands wiped his eyes.  the fact that i’m sitting on my bed alone listening to lydia. the fact that i cant even see what i’m typing because i’ve been crying for literally an hour. i could throw up all over the place if i’d just let myself. i don’t think i’ve ever felt like this. no one could make me feel like this besides my parents, really. i’ve got too much respect for them. and i think of all the things ive done without them knowing, and how impure i’m sure they see me as because i had sex and everything. there are so many things i could cry about. how i don’t have a dresser here. how my head hurts and how i forgot i was making tea. how charlotte is literally so far away. mariah is far away and maisi is busy. how everyone is high and everyones hazy. how i don’t really want to talk to melanie. or theresa. or greg. like i don’t want to talk to any of you. i’m the same person as my mom. maybe this is lonliness? fuck. this is so annoying. i couldn’t name you but like 3 times i’ve ever felt even remotely as sad as i do now. i think about how the room i have in this house is the brightest, and i’m thankful that i’m not sitting in a fucking cave right now. that’s a bright side. i’m doing laundry, and i paced this floor for a good 20 minutes before i ever let myself sit down. like my head hurts. and all i have on my ipod is depressing music. that’s all i ever listen to. how my dad said, with tears in his eyes, “you don’t have to stay here if you have things to do” and i groaned and got my hamper. “i love you be careful” and i could barely say i love you back without letting it all out. but once i passed the washer and drier, there was no holding back. i could cry all day. i would give my mom the mother of the year award in a heartbeat. i do not know what she’s talking about. and how she said her mother role is just over now? fuck. no. oh my godddd i could cry for hours and hours and hours..