space cadet

last night, after locking pinkies, and kissing on it, i embarked on such a mind-opening adventure.
i was tired and heavy near the beginning, just wanting to be heldddd and touched.
the giggles kicked in and it was all uphill from there.
we bought suckers and went into the castle.
the art. the art sent me turning and opened my eyes. especially saxon's, there were so so many dimensions.
the lights started going, and we started dancing.
the floor became three dimensional. sort of see-through, and it was beautiful.
i kept my hands locked most times, reminding myself that it's only me.
i kept thinking about how it's only me, and that's all that it will ever be. especially in my own body. it's only me.
no one else existed for a lonnnng while. people weren't annoying or my friend, but they were safety. or they were lovely. or they were overwhelming. mayra was safe to the point where she had a glowing aura about her. andrew was safe. andrew and bailey were beautiful. like it was magical.
the red room was overwhelming, and the bathroom walls were like playdough in the sense that they were moldable. the floor was moving, and i couldn't look in the mirror. my eyes would melt across my face, and i couldn't take it. but bailey was never distorted. she was pure as day.
a smile was plastered across my face to the point that it was painful. i kept grabbing my jaw to try to relax it, and as harrrrd as i would try not to smile, it was impossible.
i laughed at everything, and for hours on end, i did not care about my cell phone or anyone else.
my teeth were so sensitive, and i didn't want anyone to touch me. it was only me.
only i existed.
near the end, a lot of strange people came crawling out of nowhere and it made me a little apprehensive. the safety mama noticed, and andrew drove us back to austin and mayra's.
andrew has never made me feel more safe.
after i laughed everything out, i was just so happy. visuals calmed down, and as soon as i thought i was coming down, something would be hysterical. i was so comfortable in my body and in travis' apartment. we just hung out with the same circle of people we always see.
bowls were passed around, and i smoked them with confidence. it was then that things starting growing again. the face on the wall was pulsing past corben. corben was stable and just smiling as usual. the rhino and all of the designs on the inside. the waka poster. some things i even accepted always looked like they were in motion. like the mural behind the couch. the pattern on the couch. i just thought they always sort of danced with me.
bailey and i drove home and listened to sufjan. fuck. like sufjan.............
the train lights triggered us again, and we had to focus in on being happy and locked in on the road.
after a shower together, we laid in my bed. i let her have my favorite quilt, and we turned on Rocko's Modern Life. scariest show in reality, i had to turn it off.
closing my eyes, trying to fall asleep before i had to wake up for work, my over-active mind created images after images that would grow and pulse. music was being created in my head, and i couldn't stop it. i wanted to hear and see nothing for so long, but after i focused on my breathing pattern, it was right to sleep.
sleep until morning and space cadet until nap time.