"while we were friends"

basically broken up with, i can't tell if i should rejoice or feel broken. a wrote a note to someone i used to consider my best friend. i poured out every emotion in 7 pages. i gave it to her, left it on her backpack. it was everything that had been laying on me. heavily. i get no response whatsoever. when i question if she read it, her words exactly were, 'yes i did. sorry i'm at workkk'. understandable, so i don't respond. no response. no word. until this morning. of course it was this morning because this morning was the worst i've had in i couldn't tell you how long. started off waking up from an awful dream that i could've cried from. i woke up feeling dirty and used and abused. i felt disgusting. living in that haziness that morning, i slammed my finger in my dresser door. made funny tasting coffee. hit my head - yeah, i know - on the door frame of my garage. sort of just drove unknowingly to school. parked. walked into the art room with frozen fingers like i do every morning. mariah michael bailey brooke. after small talk of the morning, the first bell rings. she hands me a note written on old, faded paper. she designed the trim. hand drawn in pen. it was then that i received the most demeaning, bitter response letter i think i've ever gotten. she used the words 'while we were friends'. and signed out, 'bye.'

i'm confused. did i just lose a 'best friend'? or did i lose a friend all together? i didn't know how to respond, so i just sat there looking at my collage. do i text her, write a response, hunt her down and pour out every word that can't explain what i'm thinking? can't explain my confusion.

i saw heather tonight at lifestream and i tell her that i had been broken up with, basically. she jokes around, and is shocked when i tell her that i feel as though she really has ended everything we ever knew together. we conclude that because of her personality, it'd be better to act sooner than later. i'm more of a "ride it out and see where it goes" kind of girl, but sometimes God places me in these positions for a reason.

as mariah and i are sitting in my driveway after lifestream, i get a text saying

'hey i think i'm just going to start riding with kimi to school'

i just sort of pause and mariah tells me i just have to jump into it or i never will.

i wouldn't.

i responded,

'can i call you?'

no response.

guess that's goodbye...?