we'll hold your hand

very rarely do i feel compelled to write twice a day, but when it happens, there is no fighting the urge.

i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.

i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.

my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.

there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.

you are not alone in this.