skinny love

sometimes all i can see when i close my eyes is the way i rode my bike past truman. i remember the way it felt and how it was sort of hard to go up that little slight hill. i need my bike air pump. whatever. he neds his english book. sometimes i see him and wonder if he sees me. i don't know that i really care, but i still wonder. he looks so proud and so different. he doesn't look the same. maybe he always has. his big black coat. his tiny white car, it's all so different. a big part of me loves it. i hope he doesn't talk about me. i don't want to be in his stories. his friends still wave at me, except for the girls who just sort of make sure i'm wearing weird things. they all look me up and down. every single time. or they glare at me. three more months. just three. not even. sometimes i don't know if i can make it, and other times when i think about it, my chest sort of caves in and my heart stops. three months. ill also be eighteen. i'll be legal. i'll be nearly grown. i feel different than i did two years ago, i really do feel like i've changed. especially in my writings. i was so straight forward and sure. now i'm constantly second guessing every action. i sort of like that better sometimes. i think it's strengthening. i love that i've kept journals for 5 years. i like that even when i was little liked to write. i wrote backwards on our furniture when i was young. i would write my moms name of all things. i've always admired her. there's something about her that makes me want to cry. i could cry. everyone is growing. everyone is moving and changing and transforming. it's weird to think about what's in front of my. where i'm headed and where i'll be in even 5 months. that's nothing. 5 months? in four months Ruben is staying in oklahoma. i. cannot. wait. he's going to make this summer so much better. ruben, the ocean, possibly waka, definitely many roadtrips, new memories and saying goodbye. i won't be able to do it. last night was so warm, i want you all to stay right by me. two hours even seems so far away. i don't know, i think we can do it. i don't know.