gives me hope for the best in everyone

it's natural. you invited me to come to the soccer game with you and your friend. you were appalled that i declined, and you texted me after the game. you asked what i was doing, and i was reading Winter of Our Discontent with mariah around her black trunk. you were short, and i asked why. "well i was going to come say hii buttt you are at mariahs but das okayy :)"

we started to share secrets,

sort of backwards, none of it made sense and we were just filling the empty spaces.

there was silence, and no words.

i confessed that i missed you.

deep breath, and keep reading chapter two of this book on my bed.

your turn and you said, "umm i've missed hanging out with you and lately i have been thinkin about some stuff"

"stuff?"

"idk just stuff... :) but i'm about to pass out, i'll talk to you tomorrow"

followed by his goodnights and sleep wells.

i try to pull it out of him. we make plans to see each other this weekend?

"just thinking about what would of happened with us if i wasn't an idiot and just some of the good times we hadd"

"honestly, been on my mind lately too."

"i just don't know if that a good or bad thing to be doin. ya know?"

"story of my life. good because we both miss each other. bad because what do we even want?"

"that and just summer and college is so close and i just don't think it's a good idea to get close to anyone"

"you leave so soon. fuuuuck what are we doing. but we can't plan anything. what happens happens. :/ Gods will"

where will we go. do we disappear? even as much as he screwed me over, i'm attached to him. i hate hate hate to admit that, but it's honest and raw. it made my stomach drop when he told me he's moving in less than two months.

i hate that.

i HATE that i am so gentle and compassionate sometimes. but it's all i haveeeeeeee. it's all i knowwww. it's all i will ever know. and he's a part of my heart. even after his screw ups and how he can be such a jerrrrrrk, i can always see into him, straight to his heart. that's there somewhere.

he said, "just gotta stay in touch ya know? i guess we will really figure out how much we care about each other next year and so forth"

i could cry.

and my stomach is turning.

more about being 3 minutes away when we're back home.

"we'll be in the same state. we could still see each other if we really wanted"

"opposite sides of the state haha but yess we will come back home though and just be 3 mins awayy :)"

i hate that this blog is all about this conversation because i had such a good day today.

God. It's in Your hands. Where am I going.