no title fits this

It feels funny to sit backwards in your bed.

I was out of my house for the first time in forever today.

God, it felt so good to go somewhere.

never ending

There aren't any feminine winter clothes.

They're all so thick and heavy. I cut the necks of t-shirts so I feel better about wearing them.

I hate t-shirts.

I wear this Earthbound shirt more than anything else, it seems like.

I'm okay with winter until I remember summer. spring. fall, even.

feeling light and showing skin.

wearing jeans because you want to, not because they're warmer than wearing a skirt.

i always have to leave my house wearing shoes now.

i have to be okay with winter.

Oklahoma's expecting snow again tonight.

I have to learn to appreciate it or winter will seem even longer.

ignore this

I always see a light.

I have a conscience and sometimes I just wish I could be bitch and not care.

Why do I have to apologize?

I don't care if you're done with her. Stop apologizing to me. It doesn't matter anymore.

College makes me nervous and I don't want to think about scholarships. I have to. My dad thinks, and has already decided that the first two years of college, I'm going to o-trip. But when I told my mom about applying to SCAD and how I'm supposed to send in references, she told me that as much as she hates to think about me leaving, she thinks that I'd love it.

Thank you for some reassurance. For making me feel less guilty about wanting to leave Oklahoma for more opportunities. OU, as much as you want me to believe, does NOT have the same perks as an arts school.

I want to kiss someone. To love someone and be loved.

fdajklf;jdkag;jkal;fjkdla;fjkdal

where did all of my bracelets go? i miss summer and painting on the basketball court. under the tree. using my bike as my transportation. picnics. i miss staying up late, alone, and not waking up early. sleepovers. i miss sleepovers. cold coffee and driving with mariah listening to music. i miss adventuring with brooke and amee after a spontaneous sleepover.

i hate facebook, i don't want your drama.

i want to read and never look up.

i don't want a cellphone. i want to be free and let go of everything.

i miss chorale. honestly.

i want to meet writers in georgia. i want to drink out of huge cups with coffee in them. where did that go? two months ago. where did that go.

give me something good.

scad college, savannah, georgia

God, please.

I want to go to SCAD so bad.

I never really considered it for myself, but I researched everything today because application was free. The writing program?

You get internships with magazines, publishing houses and newspapers. Careers after graduation? Blogger, editor, freelance writer..

PLEASE, God.

If I've done anything right in your eyes, let them accept me and let the government give me financial aide.

Please.

tracing

First editing job today.

I edited an application for a friend of mine, Gracie, also the leader of the bible study Kelsey and I used to go to. She's trying to get into Medical Humanities at OU.

I have complete faith in her getting in. She has the purest heart I've known. She can say more about her love for God and her love and compassion for others by not saying a word. Her presence in a room gives the whole area a glow and a sense of security. There's something about her that you can't help but notice. Her essays in her application reinforced all of that, only put it more beautifully in her own words.

I used to dream of being an editor. There was a point in my life where all I wanted to do was sit down and read a book. I would get completely lost in the worlds of romance where everything was perfect, women flew alone to foreign countries leaving their husbands to cheat on them. I loved getting to the point where I could almost predict the characters. Getting to the end of the book and you're so full you could cry. I never wanted to leave that and I thought the only real dream, besides becoming a professional reader, would be to become an editor. Think about it. I'd always be reading and I could always be thinking and using my English brain. It would be perfect. I'm still not sure if that's what I want to do or not. I can see myself doing that before I'd become an english teacher. I hate speaking, I think I've said that before. I'm awful at it. I get nervous, embarrassed, and I forget my train of thought. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

Today, numerous times, the whole concept of "you have to lose something to realize who you are" came up and was brought to my attention. Talking to Melanie and telling Mariah about how I honestly think that the end of Collin and I's relationship was more of a blessing than the 10 months we had together. I talked to him today about normal things, sort of. Begun with a "hi" from his end. I'll probably end up being his friend, like I do everyone.

I will always forgive you.

As much as I say I don't want to surround myself with someone like him, I'll probably be nice enough to smile at him in the halls or something. It's too much energy to keep having negative thoughts about the whole situation. Negative thoughts toward him. A part of me is even thankful for the whole situation. I don't for a second wish that he hadn't ever been a part of my life. This whole scenario taught me so much about relationships, high school, and myself that I'm glad it happened. It's worth the extensive repair it took to mend my aching body. The body that was curled into a ball in tears. Aching. I'm glad it happened.

When I was at Charlotte's this past week, I got to her house and after the normal, never-ending hug with Charlotte, her mom hugged me. She told me that just knowing I was coming brightened her whole day and that my arrival made her happier. She was really glowing. :)

That meant so much.

We were sitting in the kitchen talking, the three of us, and Patty asked if I were happier. If the whole break up had settled in and if I was okay with it. I explained to her about my journey through the whole thing. About how I know myself better now than I did while I was involved with him. She told me that she noticed I had overcome it. She said I was back to my normal, happy and genuine self.

It means SO much for people to notice.

Just notice, just tell me.

It feels so good to feel so strong.

So sturdy alone.

As much as I feel that I'm supposed to be alone right now, I honestly think there's someone for me. Waiting to love and be loved. We can write in coffee shops together and share interests and opinions on our favorite authors. Something new. Something that doesn't make my stomach hurt to consider. It's too much to think about everything that used to be. I just want to be alone right now, you know? I need to be alone to figure out for sure who I am. Who I was created to be. Respect that and please stop inching towards the line of love.

I could throw up.

I know what I want, and I need to be a free spirit. Need.

I don't want to follow in the footsteps we made forever ago. We need to stop crawling behind the things we're familiar with. More than anything, I want to run to some foreign place. I want to take off running, no looking back. God, I want something new.

Tonight:

Kendall proposed the idea of free writing about things that make us laugh. About different things, and share them with each other every week or so.

THANK YOU GOD for sending me a friend. He's such a blessing in every sense of the word. I'm so grateful for his perspective and everything he says to me.

Don't want to lose him to life's inevitable flow of things.

Most times I wish I didn't have a phone.

stuck.

deleting people from your facebook is so liberating.

I went through pages and pages, clicking the little x confirming "remove this connection?".

YES.

a million times yes.

No question.

Last night I dreamt that I was climbing in the mountains with Brooke, some other people and Joseph McClure? After a certain amount of climbing, we would have to eat to maintain our health. We got to this little shack, way up in the mountains, yet still surrounded by mountains. Not just sky. Inside, there was a little printer that Joseph was printing pictures. Brooke was cutting a picture of herself out.

I don't get it.

Now I'm stuck at home alone, miserable. Earlier I was in tears, rolled up into a ball trying to make the pain go away. My mom drugged me and I passed out for a few hours. The pain's still there, but just not as strong.

I miss Kelsey and Marisa. I miss bible study.

I miss Mariah.

I miss Charlotte and I just saw her a few days ago.

I don't miss school. Don't miss the people.

I just miss the ones close to me.

zooey deschanel

She is BEAUTIFUL.

this oneeeeeeee ^

more than just a road trip

Did I tell you about my trip to Westville? Driving alone for 3 hours?

I loved every second of it. It felt like an hour, tops. Maybe even that. I loved not feeling obligated to respond to messages, not having to really converse with anyone.

I loved it.

I drove my moms car, which is like mine only 4 years older.

I finally got to Charlotte's and we spent that night decorating her tree. Playing word games with her parents and our friend Kaitlin. Her mom made us hot cider and hot cocoa. We all sat on the floor, drinking out of little tea cups.

Charlotte and I drove to Eureka Springs - the most beautiful drive through the rocky hills of Arkansas. We went in all of the silly little hippie shops, talked about how the guy who owned Granny's Place had just lit up. But who are we to judge?

Really.

That night, Kaitlin came over again and we had a bonfire. We sat around with her parents and made smores, played word games again, and her parents went to bed. Their light went out. We kept going. We laughed so much, and Charlotte was zoned in on the fire. We sat indian style and it felt so nice to close your eyes and rock back and forth. It was so funny when we realized what we were doing. I kept laughing. I couldn't stop. We laid down on the dirty, grassy ground and when I opened my eyes, the fire was right in front of me. Dancing. We went inside and had to sneak up to her room to change, then snuck back down to watch Pineapple Express. The scenes are so long, did anyone else notice?

"I'm not here.

I'm really not here."

Falling asleep, we went up to Charlotte's room. Charlotte and I slept in her bed, I was next to the window like always. They washed their faces, did their normal nightly routine and I just laid there. Kaitlin slept on the air mattress that we had pushed under the bed the night before, in anticipation for this night.

The next day, we were nearly forced to go to a birthday get together for Charlotte's ex-boyfriend. Why not be a little absent? We stood in the cold by her garage, sat on her porch. It was such a pretty day. About 60 degrees at 11:30.

Who would've thought I'd be sitting snowed in two days later.

Wednesday came around and it was time to leave. Lunch with my grandmother and papaw, and I was back on the road.

Hit home around 5.

It's so good to be back.

I got home, went to my room and filled my empty book.

birds, beasts and flowers

blizzard?

It's covered our whole town, trapped most people, and changed Christmas plans of so many people. But hey, Mother Nature, thank you for a white Christmas. Everyone on the news is complaining about how "this isn't what we wanted", please shut your mouth and be grateful.

It's Christmas. At least you're breathing, little weather dude.

It's been a cozy day. All day.

There was a package at my door.

I never get personalized packages.

It was propped in between my red, wooden door and the screen door that always snaps closed. My mom had gone out to take a picture and send it to her mom, when she found the box. She announced that it was for me.

What?

Since there was snow layered on it, I had to open it over the sink. It took forever for me to cut it open, it seemed. When I finally get to the inside, I had to take off numerous advertisements and worthless sheets of paper to reveal the book I wanted to steal from The Stacks - Birds, Beasts and Flowers! by D.H. Lawrence.

I held it to me, looked to my mom and asked who got it for me. She had no idea, of course. I just looked at it as she flipped through all of the papers I avoided and finally found the receipt. "Sold to:

Tyler Freeman"

My mom cried. I just stood there covering my mouth.

He remembered.

I called Mariah because she was the one who read nearly all of the poems out of the book that night.

I texted Tyler.

"Merry Christmas :)"

rivers of babylon

This is the 30 minutes of free time I had today. I kept running and doing, because I'm leaving to see my bestfriend tomorrow afternoon. Driving alone for four hours or less. Depending on how fast I end up driving.

I'm ready, so ready. Just not... packed. I hate packing, it's like I need a personal motivator to stand there and say, "You wear the same things everyday. Just put those things in a bag." Which is basically what Mariah was tonight.

I always miss her, can't ever get enough. I don't know what we'll do when ever we move away to different colleges. I'm staying here my first two years, but obviously, I'm leaving sometime. We all have to get out at some point. She's currently debating whether to go to college or stay here for a year. Leaving for college is in 6 months. I'm ready to graduate, ready to not see any of the people at my school ever again, but Mariah? She's one of very few I need to stay.

I've been blessed with some of the most incredible people. People who bring out the best in me, and I try to keep myself close. I put effort into it, and try to make it work. It's going to be tough being so distant. Across the country, maybe. People do it. But not being able to come over after a phone call? No more spontaneous oatmeal?

I'm not ready for that.

never forget

Kendall Watson, thank you for setting yourself apart.

collections from our conversations; of course I've been keeping them.

"its situations like him that make us appreciate true happiness when we find it.

its because of them we know what we hope for and notice when it arrives.
everything happens for a reason casey.
i am sorry.
its never easy accepting someone's feelings when you thought they were somewhere else
but in life, we can only grow. through obstacles, true friends arise.
i promise.

you break down because life is umpredictable
it wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt

dont lose faith in your feelings
they know you better than anyone

innocence fades with age.
We tend to call it growing up.

It is Life's cruelist joke on man, to convince him being pure is something looked down upon. It has been forged to look pathetic and weak for someone who remembers not only what, but why they were taught the things they were as a child.

If you look past appearance, past the "in" crowd, much like a person, you'll find a true heart in their mind.
Too easily are our friends and peers influenced by what we've come to see as a system of life-management brought on by what we watch and buy.

Even to this day, almost everyone still has that innocence. Only judgement holds it back.

Only care for someone's thoughts if they can truely benefit you.
As for the rest, like Bob Marley's comparison of music and love, shut out their judgement till they can do the same for their own peace.

Casey,
You do some much more than you realize.
You continually prove to me that we have a say in who we are.

You set up a belief for me that what I'm doing in my life right now is not alienation or isolation, but truely becoming who i want to be.
You show me that it is possible to be an individual in a world conformity.

Ever since i was a kid, i loved to listen. I would watch almost every scenario and puzzle-piece who and what i longed to become.
I love to reach out and help because i know the power simply listening to someone can have.

Don't ever question what you have to say about your heart in the world.
I'm not some giant or example of perfection, im the friend you found in 8th grade history class.
I always will be.
Me and you talking again is no different than our friendship before aside from us having more experiences to share between us.

You write from your soul and it is beauty.
I will gladly tell you that anytime you need to hear it.

I love the irony of this world, unexpected people have unexpected impacts.
Its almost God's way of keeping us on our toes.

You have a beautiful mind and soul Casey. One I doubt I will forget.
And with the gift of sharing that beauty comes in return thoughts and prayers for you.

You will most likely openly disagree with me,
but you are one the strongest people i know Casey.
I have such an utmost respect for you and heart.
You're a beautiful person and nothing can seem to tamper with that.
So many things are thrown your way in hope of discouragement, and you perservere through it to only become more loving in the end.
You've gotten to where you start to amaze me."

blue suede shoes

it looks good to see smiling faces when you know they're genuine.

there are some people who always look like that. what's it take?

it's so cold, and I just can't take it.

It was 19 degrees this morning. Did anyone else feel it? It's painfully cold. My teeth hurt, and my gums are chilled. The tips of my fingers are little cherries for a decent amount of time until they thaw out.

I should be studying, but sometimes my hands just have to write.

They have to explain the time that Mariah and I spent in the stacks last night at the OU library. It was quiet, and we sat on the floor of glass, in between shelves full of books, and read poetry together.

D H Lawrence, to be exact. He's the one we were both stuck on.

"Her father was not a coherent human being, he was a room full of echoes."

It's so hard not to just stick the old, age stained pages into your bag. My conscience always gets in the way. I have one of the worst, I think.

Maybe not.

Sometimes I can do things that don't even phase me.

Yet sometimes they're stuck to my heart and I can't even rest because my head is pounding, heart is screaming. Last night, I had a time like this and I texted Collin to apologize for everything I said to him on Thursday. Fell asleep immediately after I sent the message. I woke up this morning 10 minutes after he had texted me a huge message in response. Maybe that's why I had the dream of my mother and I shouting and yelling at each other. The reason that in my dream, my phone burst into flames. Turned into a huge block of coals. John Wayne Gacy Jr. was playing in the background - I woke up singing it.

Has anyone heard that song? By Sufjan Stevens? It's about a rapist clown named Pogo.

Such an odd way to wake up. Just 15 minutes before my alarm went off.

Don't want to face it.

This morning, I talked to my AP English teacher that I had for about a week earlier this year, about getting back into his class. I've complained about him before, don't worry.

I feel as if I'm wasting my knowledge coloring pictures and holding hands with my current English teacher as we read Hamlet.

Reading Demian over the break. Either that or Awakening.

Or both.

We'll see.

keep close

woven string,

our hearts

connected in patterns

unknowingly attached.

push and pull, we're there.

together, we're here.

fully functioning,

a part of each other.

mmm

"You're a writer -

writers write."

- Mariah

comfortable; don't ruin it

on shuffle, my ipod just plays.

Regina Spektor.

God puts people in your life for a reason - I'm a firm believer.

Even though I get impatient most times, you still mean so much to me. You are my tiny test of patience wrapped up in the smallest package. Cute little bow on top. It meant so much when you hesitated to tell me everything. I told you it was making my stomach turn into knots, and you looked at me, wiped a tear, and put into words what I wasted my time on. I wasn't even sad at first. I'm still not sad. I just was in complete awe - I had nothing to say at all. When he was texting me, trying to tell me I was the annoyance in this situation, I threw my phone at the wall and started crying. I can't always be so strong, it gets so hard. I can't help but to let go, exhale and let it all out. Let it out through my paint brush covered in bleach. My whole room smelled so bad. It hurt to open my eyes, and my headache kept growing. Fill it with sand. Throw it on the stack of wood outside. This can't harm me, it's just a test.

I look forward to the messages between us. It's more than just conversation, we're growing. Just like you said - we're growing.

and thats the part of you wanting to see the good in the world.

youre not weak for wanting love

love is the one thing everything can come down to

some people are either too immature or insensitive to realize that.

you break down because life is umpredictable

it wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt

dont lose faith in your feelings

they know you better than anyone

God, thank you for Kendall. He has all the right things to say, and I pray that he knows how thankful I am. There needs to be more people in the world like him.

My ring finger isn't naked. I don't wear the ring for just purity reasons. It's a constant reminder of my values. A reminder that I tend to let people in too easily. I let them in close, not realizing what I'm getting myself into until I'm completely abandoned, laying lifeless.

Actually, never lifeless, more alive than ever. Feeling more and expressing more than I normally would. I've missed this feeling of knowing where I am. You have to know where you're at before you can grow. Eventually, your weak foundation will just crumble down. I'm tired of having to prove this to myself over and over again.

Joe Purdy

It was so comfortable tonight, sitting next to you in the library. I've never noticed how quiet libraries are. Not until you pointed out the fact that I was shouting. I have some inability to whisper. I don't know what it is. I've always sort of liked the idea of whispering. It's intimate and the way everything sounds seems so elegant.

It takes so much energy to whisper.

It takes so much energy to get in the shower - the reason why you scooted your chair a few inches away from mine.

I've missed being your friend. I've missed our conversations about nothing, or everything at all. Most times at the same time. You think so much, but it's one of the reasons I enjoy talking to you. You're a prodigy, so stop denying it, organic chemist.

Regina Spektor again.

What is ever going on in her mind?

I made it home safely to my little hermit shell. Showered with grapefruit and lemongrass. Do you ever feel like you can't get clean enough? I washed my hair about three times, I think. It kept feeling the same. When I finally got clean, I just didn't want to put on anything that would ruin it.

poiuytsf

I can't wait to get out of this school.

to never see anyone every again. I don't want to deal with your drama, really don't.

Stop smirking at me, knowing you had sex with my ex boyfriend the day after we broke up. Don't tell me that you didn't do it. You were always so good at lying to me. Too good.

Do you know what a statement that is? To have sex with her less than 24 hours after breaking up with me? It proves more about your awful character.

I didn't even want to be with you, you know. I was finally content with being alone. I didn't need anyone, didn't care about anything. Then you step in and want to talk to me? Want me to fall in love with you so quickly? Thanks a lot for putting on that stupid face of yours. The front that I thought was all you.

God, it makes me sick to remember everything you said to me. Everything we did together? Do you even realize what I gave to you? You don't. What am I thinking.

I'm just a piece of meat.

Use me, pretend to care, then throw me on the ground.

Flat on my face.

5 months until graduation and I'm MORE than ready.

I need a break.

naive

thank you for extended due dates

for basically only one final to worry about right now.

for bonus questions

the annoying people at o-trip who finally got me enrolled

acoustic songs, that are so much better than the original versions

for my car and the fact that it heats up so quickly.

my unending supply of tea,

lotion

and for my cooperative dirty hair.

for a night off.

I have no idea where my phone is.

The discovery channel introduces me to the weirdest sea animals. :)

Did you see the sunset? The whole sky was gray, with accents of purple, mostly pink. The sun's golden color was shining so brightly through the clouds. I meant to tell you, but I have no idea where my phone is.

Today has been the first day in quite some time where I caught myself trying to relax. I've been pretty easy lately. I had to keep reminding myself that it's okay to be claustrophobic. You don't always have to wear your seatbelt. Him yelling at you because he misplaced something isn't that big of a deal. You're in control of your emotions. Breathe easy.

54.

I still have to read.

I wonder how long it's been since that day in the huge metal building. We all sat around a little table and laughed at how he sang all of the wrong words. There was a dragon on the end of the hose. His little brother covered his mouth with his Celtic hoodie and rode around on his skateboard. One of his friends kept telling me I had swine, I didn't believe him. It was just a cough. Sorry about giving it to you. We all had to share the little dragon. Such a weird dragon. I didn't think anything about it. I actually thought about it too much, but I enjoyed it. I always do. That's why I didn't stop. I just drank his water. Downed it, I was so thirsty.

Today Dylan drew my encouraging message on my hand. I had nothing. He grabbed my hand and drew a little smily face in my green pen. Black pupils. He wants a bracelet.

Most times I can't wait to get out of high school. I'm sick of seeing everyone, and knowing everyone. Having some sort of ties with every single person. They were in my choir two years ago, she always drives behind me after lunch. Remember that day she almost hit me with her huge black car? I'm done. I'm just done. Waiting six more months. But then it's people like Dylan that make me thankful for high school. I wouldn't even know him if it weren't for North. He's such a good person to know.

keep yourself together

I've been so confused all day.

Do I wake up ? no, keep sleeping. Go to class? Go get coffee. Should I believe her? I have no idea. Would he do that? I have no. idea.

Multiple reasons, several distractions, but I finally got a clear and obvious sign.

Like I've said before, I never get anything out of my church services. I draw on paper that's in front of me, find different scriptures, whatever I can do.

But tonight was different. He was speaking right at me, and he had no idea.

He talked about how people can be so judgmental and find interest in the wrong person because of their outward appearance. We accept and justify their true self because we like the way they appear on the outside.

So true in so many instances.

I was catching little pieces of this until I heard him say,

"Don't give your heart to someone who is undeserving."

I'm so so guilty to letting anyone and everyone in. I give every little part of my heart to them. Every emotion, every action. I give it all away so easily, and I don't even consider the consequences because I'm also guilty of living in the moment. Another story in itself.

Jake gave us a scripture, 1 Corinthians 5:...something.

He explained that they don't care - the people we let in so easily. They don't understand what you're really giving them and what it means to you. They can't fully respect it unless they feel the same way.

Stab in the chest.

They don't care about your past, in all honesty. Your present ? Your future? they'll never understand. They don't care. They just crumble it up, throw it away. It means nothing.

Everything I gave? Nothing. Got nothing in return. Was completely blind.

Another stab in the chest.

All of this hurts so bad. As much as I don't want to be bitter, and I want to be understanding? I don't understand. I really can't comprehend it. I do think that he'll be better with her. They're on the same level, and I could never accept it. I get it now. I'm better off.

Realizing all of this anger I have secretly built up, Jake pulls up another scripture.

Luke 6:37, forgive and you shall be forgiven.

So weak, I grab my shirt and try to hold back tears. I shake my head and my lips quiver. My chin hits my chest, and Maisi laughs because she knows exactly what I'm doing.

I have to forgive him.

Everyone lies, right? Everyone makes mistakes. The wound is still open, but it's healing. Time heals. I have to keep myself together. Have to have faith in the ones I'm close to. I'm too trusting. I can't let myself be thrown around. I'm worth more than that. There's so much more that I don't know how to say.

grapefruit and lemongrass

up and down.

stay lifted, drawn up by a tiny string.

keep reeling me in.

one glimpse, a little phrase, and i come spinning down.

slowly; easily.

so gentle.

head in my hands

i pray for something.

i need some strength.

keep me in your hands

wrapped tight, just hold me.

i thought i was through it. I still know its the right thing.

I have to know. Somewhere you've got this master plan that I'm completely oblivious to.

I wish to know it. Yet I don't want to know. Not yet. I'm still growing.

That's why I'm alone. You're testing me.

Still being tempted.

We just can't talk, yanno? It's too easy for you. So easy. You seem so light.

sumi, you mean so much.

thank you for having so much faith in me.

drifting near me, bumping into the glass, satellite can feel it. she's beautiful.

not too recently, i've developed an infatuation with butterflies. I didn't think anything of it until it was becoming more and more obvious that I was surrounded by them. Close to the beginning of November, I found a picture of all of these insects - butterflies, mostly. I put it as my wallpaper where I could always see it. I found a butterfly against my dad's bumper. Just laying there perfectly, bright yellow. I've kept it for about two months now. This week my house cleaner came, but left some bottle - a cleaning supply, I assume? with a butterfly on the front. Just sitting on my empty cabinets. Standing out, I always notice it. I haven't moved it. Brooke always brings me magazine pages that she's found with butterflies all over them. I finally took the hint and looked up the significance of them.

"...symbolizes change and new life."

There's the sign I've been praying for.

Isaiah 43.

don't ever forget.

old memories

Driving home from school for the second time today, listening to my baby ipod that was just returned to me, a song came on that really made me miss last year.

Time by Shawn McDonald.

Remember that song? How we'd drive around listening to "Shawnsy", being late to lunch because we were searching for "free air"? Your mom called the office so we'd be excused. We'd talk about God and everything that he's done? That was such a good time in our lives.

I miss everyone seeing the good in things. That's part of the reason I carry around my good things journal - so I won't forget anything. I can look back and appreciate the good that's happened to me. I try to seclude myself from negativity, yet some people are always pushed right up under my arms, forcing me to hold onto them. Along with their negativity. There must be a reason. Probably so I can try to uplift them? Sometimes it's just not worth the arguing to me. I've gotten too good at tuning it out, then moving onto other things. Negativity seems to work really well with closed-mindedness.

I had a really weird dream last night that I don't really want to look into. I know what it means already, I don't need any clarification from an interpretation book.

Talking to an old friend of mine today made me feel so much comfort. :) It's good to have people in your life that still appreciate the things you do. He told me a lot about where he's at in his life, where he's going, his plan. It's really nice, and I can't wait to grow closer with him again. He has such an interesting mind. He used to write these long... poems? almost? I don't really know what you'd call them. But he'd always find time to seek me out in the halls to give them to me so I could read them and give him my input. Tonight he thanked me for the Edgar Allen Poe book I once gave him. I had completely forgotten, but he readily expressed his appreciation. Felt so nice to talk with him.

"You've definitely calmed my spirit tonight :)"

My not being in chorale has separated me from a lot of the people that I cared most about.

Yet I'm still so thankful for those people. I'm so thankful for Chris Garneau.

For the way he sings, and plays his accordion in varying rhythms of push and pull.

For the homework that I'm understanding.

For the worst dinner I've had in quite some time, yet my parents and I finding the hilarity in it.

Thankful for the time I get to spend with my mom, with my book.

For the guy who works at starbucks, the same guy I run into at school, tonight while getting groceries, and how we can relate.

For the book I'm reading and for vanilla lattes.

Thankful for today.

safely home

Mm, finally home.

I'm listening to music that Charlotte gave me.

It feels so good to be home. The ride here seemed to go by so quickly. Maybe because I had a book to read? or a friend to talk to? It didn't really seem like 4 hours.

I had such a good weekend. A busy, but enjoyable weekend. I don't think we ever stopped going and doing. Doesn't bother me, really, because I got to spend time with my little Harlot girl.

It feel so good to be home.

Feels good to be clean, to be alone in the silence of my room. Silence, except for Norah Jones. I just got my ipod back from Charlotte. I'm glad I didn't have it this month, though.

There's always a reason for everything.

We all know this.

My fern is wilting.

trapeze

time to take a break from today.

started off wonderfully, laughter throughout my whole house.

heard the song of my teapot, filled my cup and left.

my steering wheel is always so cold.

school is always the same. I see the same people, hug the same people, think of the same things.

I'm sick of drawing with charcoal. I don't want to shade with my eraser. I'm a little sick of it. 7 days of it is too much.

My huge huge project is turned in and my professor let us leave 45 minutes early so naturally, I went to get coffee. I made friends with the guy at the window and we shared the same taste in music. I stayed outside the window awhile so he could let me hear his favorite song. I wasn't in a hurry. I got a peppermint mocha. "Tastes just like Christmas" fell out of my mouth and was sucked out of my window that was down. It was nearly 60 degrees today. Doesn't really feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

Took a nice little nappy in my algebra class, then woke up and found fifteen dollars in my backpack. Full of surprises.

I go to dinner with my family at my favorite restaurant - Panera. Afterwards, my sister and I go get coffee at the place around the corner from my house.

Mark? Matt? I never remember his name, and he never remembers mine. I hadn't seen him in at least two weeks. I normally see him between classes at o-trip or when he's making coffee for me. We have good conversation. What's-his-name is really nice, has curly blonde hair, and he's meeting Sarah Palin next Wednesday.

Tomorrow is Wednesday which means my room has to be clean so my house cleaner can clean it... Something I'll never fully understand. Embarrassingly enough, my room is worse than any boy's room I've ever seen. I'm not proud of that by any means. I'm just saying the job I have ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. The majority of the mess is clothes - whether they're dirty or clean, they're all lying on the floor. I can always distinguish which ones are dirty and which ones are clean, but they've all been mixed together. I have to wash them all tomorrow because at 6:00, I'm leaving for my home town. The big city of Westville. I'll be gone for five days and I have no clean clothes. Or do I? It's a little hazy.

This week is Thanksgiving break which means family, friends, good food, and never to be forgotten - the Thanksgiving Parade. I watch it religiously for the first 3 hours of my morning every holiday. My grandma introduced it to me when I was about 6, and every season since, I wake up at 9:00 so I can get my fill.

After Thursday, I spend the next three days with the love of my life, Charlotte Kirk. She's currently at a KISS concert, front row, in California. Having the time of her life, and also meeting Paul Stanley. She paid a WHOLE lot of money to meet the man, but one of her dreams is coming true tonight, so I don't blame her. Ya only have one life to live, right?

Trapeze Swinger

Iron and Wine says it all.

They make everything okay.

I really miss you. I enjoy our random texting sessions, our sarcastic remarks back and forth.

Same old thing. Somethings never change, yet everything changes.

It's changed so much.

Everyone knows it's still there, they still mention it, but I push it aside.

I can't let myself believe any of that because it'll get to me.

I'll base everything off of that belief.

My room still isn't clean.

save your scissors

i never ever have problems sleeping.

not unless i have a lot on my mind.

my fingers won't let me capitalize anything. won't erase a word.

i can't even sleep because i'm thinking about all of the hard work i put into this. you said that you'd help me out. you were supposed to call, and you never did. just play on facebook, girl. just play away because this is all me. this whole third section. the whole end. it's me. all my weight to pull. glue things down, yeah, because that's hard work. is your brain capable of thinking of anyone but yourself? i wish i knew. sorry i interrupted your sweet slumber. don't be mad, because i'll get us this A. me and our friend that's hardly ever got his feet on the ground. don't worry, we got it. just take your time playing; sleeping. is this what you've become? since when are you so closed minded? my parents have even noticed. they ask. don't think they don't care. don't think i don't care. i do. that's why i can't stop thinking about this.

are you okay?

i never know what you're truly feeling.

i never know what to listen to, because sadly, i've learned to tune you out. all of your bad energies. you just look at me waiting to respond, while im trying to recall what you said. where'd you go?

why'd you leave?

ease up a bit, please. take a rest for a second. when the time's right.

we've all got it wrong.

walking in the wrong directions. what leads us astray? must you lose everything to know what it's truly like to be strong?

that's my case.

it all has to leave and i have to be left with nothing but my keyboard, pen and paper.

city and colour.

i need time to grow, and so do you.

our paths are colliding and it's getting to me.

i know it gets to you too. i could hear it in your tone.

it's okay, though, because seasons change. maybe it's just a phase. maybe.

brand new day

Yesterday was one of the busiest, yet most relaxing days. I went to lunch with my red-headed friend Theresa. We share the same love for coffee, so instead of eating at lunch, we went to Gray Owl to get lattes. She always gets an iced mocha. It never fails. My absolute favorite is the vanilla latte. It's so strong, but at the same time it's milky and sweet.

After lunch, Brooke and I came to my house to work on our project that we have barely started. Feeling too energetic and alive to work on homework, we met up with a few friends and spent time with them instead.

I went to dinner with a few of my old close friends, then two of us went to the school musical afterwards. The musical was really good, with really good acting, but I had to leave early so I could reunite with Brooke. I picked her up from work and we came to my house and made tea. She always drinks the fruity stuff. We curled up in quilts and watched the first season of friends.

We talked about nearly everything. About how her boyfriend is acting like mine did the last month of our relationship. He just doesn't seem to care like he used to. When I told her that's how Collin acted before we broke up, she got scared. But it seems like she's so much stronger than I am. I get too sucked into things and don't realize what I'm letting myself get into. I told her that I really think this is where I'm supposed to be in life. Now that the wound isn't wide open, it's easier to accept the fact that he's gone. Not easy, just easier. I never realized that I was giving him parts of myself that I didn't want to give anyone. No one was worth it. But I got caught up in the whole thing and let everything go. Kelsey and I talked about how this is going to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason. Although at first it was awful to even think about, it's starting to look up. There's a reason I let that happen. I'm okay with knowing that. I'm okay with knowing that I'm alone. It's nice. I really don't mind at all - such a liberating feeling.

indian blankets

I don't know where to begin.

Today had good energy and good vibes. Maybe because Kelsey and I kept telling ourselves how good was going to be? Maybe because the words "Today will be the best day" became my mantra early this morning. From the moment I woke up from a weird, uncomfortable dream. I woke up to an empty house. My parents flew out to Chicago early this morning - it's their anniversary. Dressed myself, made tea, and left my quiet house.

I always look forward to Wednesdays. They're almost, yet not nearly quite as enjoyable as Thursdays. Every Wednesday I go to the youth service at my church, and I used to get more out of it than I do now. I think it's because that it's main focus is on fourteen year olds and their problems. Not saying that a few years makes that much difference in our problems, but... it sort of does. Also, when I was fourteen, I was attending the same exact youth group and we were taught the same things. The words were engraved into my heart, so they're already there. I don't really need to hear the obvious. It's redundant. Despite my feelings towards the messages, I keep going. I sort of feel like it's an obligation; there's no option. I really enjoy the worship, even though me and another girl are the only ones who ever get into it. The other kids just look like zombies, staring up at Todd playing the guitar. Watching the lights flash above us. The songs are fulfilling.

But during the message, I normally just flip through the pages of my Bible and read what stands out to me. What I found tonight was Luke 6:27

"Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you,

not the worst... Live generously."

As simple as that sounds, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do. I've noticed that I have these unspoken grudges towards people. When we pass in the halls, I avoid eye-contact. When I think about why I have a problem with them, it seems idiotic. There's absolutely no reason to have any sort of negative feelings toward them. I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it and neither is God. It's a complete waste of time.

serpent charmer

It's 6:00, nearly 7, and I could go to bed right now. I've been getting adequate amounts of sleep, I'm pretty sure. Is 8 hours not enough?

This morning I woke up to my alarm, turned it off and went right back to sleep. When I woke up ten minutes later, I realized I was grinding my teeth. Much like my mother does when she's stressed out. What a good sign. Even though grinding your teeth in your teeth is bad enough, it's worse for my mouth because I have a contraption in the roof of my mouth with bands that wrap around my teeth. However, the glue on the bands dried before they could get the apparatus all the way into place, so I have metal slightly lower than the rest of my teeth. Just grinding against my bottom teeth while I sleep.

Today was a much better day. I was completely convinced that yesterday was the 17, which is why I titled yesterdays blog "november 17". I guess I just skipped right over november 16. Which is completely fine with me.

My favorite part of today was probably driving home from class in the city and seeing the sunset. It was so neat. There wasn't just black parts of the sky, or bright parts, but they were intertwined. They made the sky look like it was rippling, some even looked like feathers. It was such a good thing. Especially with the tall, bare trees that stand on bright green grass against it.

There's beauty everywhere. You just have to find it.

november 17

I wake up this morning to homework assignments that I wrote on my hand really late last night. I also have a message from Mariah saying "Get ready for the coldest day of your life." Awesome. I hate cold. I crawl out of bed and run to my fan to turn it off. Yeah, I still sleep with a fan on when it's freezing cold outside. I need the noise. Go to my bathroom to brush my teeth - I'm out of toothpaste.

I throw on clothes and look like a boy, so I change my shirt. Put on a jacket, pull the hood up, and next comes my coat. Grab my keys and leave.

My steering wheel is freezing cold, I don't even want to touch it.

Get to school and watch my ex-boyfriend drive away with another girl at overtime. I'm supposed to meet up with him later today to exchange everything. To finalize the breakup and rip everything right down the middle. Cut even deeper.

Goooood morning.

Everything's alright until lunch when I get hit by a friend. She scrapes up against my car with hers, but you can't even tell because the previous owner of my car had already scraped up all the sides. I just wave her off and tell her to have a good day.

Leaving the same parking lot, there's a traffic jam at the little gate to get out. Bailey's little car just weasels right on out. Amy tries to do the same thing, but her car is too wide. I have a token, so I pull up to put it in, thinking we could leave one right after another, but as she leaves, the board falls down on my car. I'm stuck. I try to use an old token that I found in my car, but it doesn't work. As I'm cursing my bad day and banging the back of my head on my seat, I see Amy running across the street yelling, "I have a coin!!" She puts it in, and the gate opens. I nearly bolt out of there.

Brooke and I get back to my house after lunch and I start making tea. Tea was probably the best part of my day. My brother shows up, we chat for a bit, then Brooke and I head to Davy's to do a project that's due in a week.

While working, I leave my phone on silent and left across the room from me. I always get distracted by it. Around 4:30, I realize that my dad hasn't called, so I go pick up my phone to see that he actually hassss called me and I have 3 texts from him. Two of which are talking about dinner plans and the other is telling me that since I "refuse to communicate" I'm grounded. I have to do everything alone, at the house. Excuse me, Dad, for working on my project. Seriously.

I come home immediately and wait for my mom to get home so that we can go to dinner.

I drive to Subway separately because I have to babysit afterwards. Yeah, yeah, a surprise babysitting gig. Sweet, right?

After I order my food and sit down with my parents, my dad starts talking about how this man accused him of yelling. My dad's response was "people who know me know that that's not yelling - I just get excited" I commented saying, "funny thing is, the people who know him can't ever determine whether he's yelling or not". He responds "You're about to see yelling! You'll knoww I'm yelling. You're walkin' on thin ice today anyway!" I try to explain to him why I didn't answer his phone and he says, "I don't care about your excuses, you need to answer your phone when I call! That's the reason you have a phone!"

I gather up my trash, throw it away, and leave. Just drive away to babysit for 2 hours.

"I can't catch a break." was my facebook status. When I get home, my mom mockingly says "You can't catch a break little girrrrllll?"

shuuuutttt uppppp.

On the bright side of being grounded, I don't have to meet Collin for another three weeks, aka the duration of my grounding. However, I don't get to go to dinner with Marisa this week. There's not even a little chance that I could go to BK. No sleepover with Theresa. No origami class.

I can't catch a break. I'm more than ready to have a new season in my life. Where things go right, sometimes, yanno? I keep patiently waiting. October was a struggle in itself, and now November? Please, God, let something good happen.

Please.

just something

I'm avoiding my math grade - I don't want to know.

However! I did get some senior pictures.

no clue why i look so innocent ^

I think I'm going to read.

discover beauty in everyone

sometimes I think of cutting things out of my life that don't make me happy.

such as facebook.

I really just hate it. Every time I get on, I get upset and I wind up learning things I never wanted to know. Yet I'm not strong enough. Rather, I don't believe I'm strong enough.

Charlotte came to Norman this weekend and I always feel so good whenever she comes here. She was telling me all about her life. How she got invited to an OU dinner and was requested to sit right next to President Boren. How she's applied to Stanford, MIT, Rochester Engineering, yanno, good places like that. She also told me about this person she came into contact with who "healed" her. They would lay out these blocks in a certain pattern, then give you this drink that was touched with a "healing stick" and you'd look at the pattern and drink that magical drink at the same time, then you were healed. The "healer" told her that after you've been healed, anytime you feel sick, stressed, discouraged - anything - you can tap your chest and say "I choose not to be stressed" or whatever you were feeling. She fully believes that it works. I don't necessarily believe that it doesn't work, but I think that it's all mental. It's like a placebo. It works because you trick your mind into thinking that it works.

I'm completely blown away anytime I think about how much the human mind is capable of. Certain things can trigger certain emotions, and the same goes with smells. It's so odd, yet it's the coolest thing that God blessed us with something so powerful. I try to write encouraging things on my hand everyday to keep myself uplifted. I've recently started doing this, but it really helps. It helps because I believe in it.

I often wish everything were like a blog.

knots in my stomach

I definitely think that everything happens for a reason.

There's a reason why Greg gave me that rock from Rothbury. - good vibes, keep it in your car; you're worth it.

A reason why Marisa and I are in the exact same situation. We have the same emotions and it's still so fresh, the cut's wide open. We've promised to keep each other accountable, to be there for each other to keep each other strong. There's a reason why Bailey drove me home this morning after getting donuts. A reason why the guy at native roots commented on my bracelets. There's always a reason.

I've been blessed with so many things and lately I haven't taken the time to appreciate them. I think that being alone helps you focus more on yourself. Not in the self-centered way, but to really gather your thoughts, to know who you are so you can continue to grow in the right direction. When you become so dependent on something, you get so used to something, you don't even notice that you're losing parts of yourself. Being alone can make you stronger - I fully believe that. It sort of sucks that you can get so caught up in something that you'll put it above anything else. It's pathetic, really. Especially since you don't even realize it's happening. As much as I enjoy being visibly and physically loved by someone, I love finding love in other things - other people. Taking time to realize that God loves you. You always know that he loves you, but you get so caught up in other things that you don't appreciate it. That puts knots in my stomach.

continually circling

Sometimes I cant get my point across.

The perfect little picture you formed of me in your head now has huge smudges, rips and tears.

I'm sorry that you don't understand why I did it or everything that I'm thinking. I wish I could spell it out to you, explain everything, but I can't because I don't even know what I'm trying to say without getting lost in circles. Factors play into everything.

I'm sorry that I get defensive, that sometimes we really cant get into each others heads the right way.

You're in my head - of course you're in my head.

Along with so many other things.

I want to be able to just calmly show you what I mean. Just lay it all out there. It's so hard over text messaging. Sometimes I just throw my phone across my car because I just hate texting. Especially when you have so much to say and your fingers won't move. You just get frozen. I'd much rather write you a letter and send it to you, across two or three blocks.

My body aches and I think I'm too reliant upon caffeine.

"good things happen to good people"

sometimes you just need a friend, yanno?

I went to zumba tonight with Mariah and it was the most fun I've had in so long. Despite how my body ached and how weak I felt, it was so good. Our faces got red like little cherries, but it was okay because we were both so sweaty, hair stuck down to our foreheads - I know, great mental picture of how cute we are. I want to go every Tuesday nighttttt.

Afterwards, I showered. Not just showered, I spent a good twenty minutes in there just trying to get clean. I feel so good, I smell clean. That's two showers today for me. You don't even realize what an accomplishment that is for me.

My room is clean which is strange. It feels comfortable.

Tomorrow is my daddio's birthday and the day after that is little Brookie's birthday.

Good week ahead.

Thank you, God.

A part of me wants to just skip right along to summer.

But I love fall, it's by far one of my favorite seasons. Fall and winter.

I can't get enough. There's something different about them, it just... feels different.

The trees change, then they get bare and they look so good against the grayish-purple sky. The trees and the power lines. The water tower that always makes me think of Mariah. It has a little red light on the top of it so planes know it's there. I love Norman, and I can't get enough. I always complain about how I want to get away for something new. Truth is, I don't want to leave. I just need a different mindset, I think.

in august

You can see right through me

Gliding planes

I wish you could see the whole vision

The golden reflection of the moon around every object

The black trees outlined by the glow.

Every insect is singing in harmony

Each star is shining, some dim and some brightly

So open and liberated

In the back of an old red truck,

The hum of a sister sleeping

The warmth of these well- knit blankets

Humidity is no stranger, only making things grow

Through every vein and every muscle; I can feel it

Every emotion, every thought

I hear a drum of a heartbeat

Quivering of a lip,

As the moon quietly sneaks back into her pocket in the big open sky.

Always turning always spinning, and we don't feel a thing.

Gravity pulling us down and keeping us stable

We don't really notice until we take a minute to think about the trees, the moon, the stars;

all God's creation.

Our hearts are tightly wound in the vulnerable space, where our minds have room to think,

to feel and to recognize the beauty in front of us -- it's always there.

Always changing.

With the seasons and as things grow.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Bringing us closer to the ground, humbling us.

As gravity treats the earth.

against the grain

I can't even begin to explain what I feel.

I lost one of the biggest parts of me on Thursday. Just left me, no explanation. Hurt so bad. November 5, one of the worst days. He knew. He just kept piling up everything. Every single lie. I can't forgive, I'm trying to recover and stay distracted. Please, God, that's enough. Please.

I just got a 3 page text from my best friend. Just something I wrote in the back of an old red pick-up. I had completely forgotten about it, lost the note I wrote it in because my phone broke. I lost a child. Every emotion, it all came back to me. Filled my veins.

Day Old Hate.

I want to be so much closer to you because it's so refreshing to hear everything you say. Every one of your opinions, your silly stories, your big blue eyes. You and I have both got no one, dude. When Mariah leaves us, we have to stay close. We have to have each other.

You know how certain things happen for a reason? There are so many things that I could name that I'm thankful for. Let me explain. Charlotte took my ipod to Westville, accidentally. Every other song was a song from a cd he made me. That would've hurt so bad. I changed my wallpaper because of the happiness the picture of Brooke and I's feet gave me. Seeing him would've hurt so bad. His wrist tape came down because I needed the needle that was holding it up there against the silly flower picture I painted this summer. God knows everything to do. That night, Greg texted me. He just needs a friend, but I don't want to fall back in.

Please don't tell my secrets. This is all I have, all I am. Keep it in, locked tight.

I appreciate every word you said, every little thing I thought was golden and it's all gone now.

I think that I feel God so much more in the fall and winter. Which was said by Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz, but it's so true. The trees change, and it's colder; lonelier.

Alone - all one.

Confusing, right? That's what I thought.

I really don't know what it's like to be alone, but I feel so alone. I have a few, some, but I just feel alone. It's my fault, probably. Not trying to push anything in any direction, but I don't feel fulfilled like I used to. I dunno, it's just fall.

It'll be nice to be back on solid ground again. Not dependent, not lonely. I'll be satisfied. It's going to take a surgery. Just won't be a little baby cut, it'll take weeks.

I got the weirdest urge to talk to my cousin Jordan today who lives in Illinois. I haven't talked to her since I was probably 7? She's about 21 now and she's engaged. She seems like such an interesting person who I think would really help me in life. Mostly in spiritual things. She's so in touch with God, I'm almost jealous. Kind of ironic if you think about it.

The planets need to align, it's freaking us all out. There's something sort of eerie about lately and I'm not diggin' it. I could've cried when the three of us were talking about the downfall of someone close to us. All of our friends are all so deep into drugs, like, it's going to take a huge slap in the face for them to realize they've been going down this huge spiral. We'll have to be there, have to pray for them.

season change

the thing is - i haven't felt anything good in awhile.

that's a lie.

I've felt good things, just not things that literally make me burn inside because it feels so good.

today I felt that.

I spent so much time with my best friend. painting, laughing, creating, sharing.

I love her and used to feel so distant.

I'm becoming less dependent on other things, which I think is good. Nothing is permanent. Not hatred, anger, not even love. Everything changes, but not everything has changed.

We created an etsy account today because we actually need to do something with our talent and creativity that we're overflowing with. There are so many opportunities.

We took so many pictures. Painted so many things. Sewed, searched for buttons. It felt good.

It's fall. You can hear it. You can feel it. You walk outside and hear the crunching of leaves and it's probably my favorite feeling. I love the way the leaves all pile up on the sides of the street. You drive and the leaves just swirl around you in different colors. My favorite colors.

Nothing can recreate it. You can't draw it, you can't try to explain it... it is it's own thing. Fall has always been my absolute favorite season. You can start drinking hot coffee again. Tights are always on my legs, and I wear the same dumb little booties every day because it's fall. I text old friends because it's fall. I can't stop crying because it's fall and I feel every single emotion because.. it's fall.

I don't want it to end. However, nothing is permanent.

I have so much on my mind and I don't have enough motivation to fulfill everything. Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, because I have.

It's fall and I can feel so much.

a day in the life

wake up in a weird room, my mind's already set on how weird my life has gotten.

don't shower.

never shower.

wash off yesterdays makeup, brush my teeth.

shine the metal.

rubber bands - on.

double-time.

throw on the same brown dress i wore yesterday, different green tights.

sit in church, legs crossed.

yawn.

(pop)

broke a bracket.

felt as if my tooth was being pulled from my gums, roots and all.

nice.

thanks for that.

mosey to the bathroom mirror.

naked tooth, right front.

retreat to my green room on wheels, my life.

piano plays in my car, i want to cry.

the most beautiful lyrics dance around my car, on my steering wheel, through my necklaces.

music.

fall music.

there's a time

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a
time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves
into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces
when it's all over.

autumn

Last night, at a study group thing, Mariah gets a call from a youth leader. Asking about her day, her life, "how can I keep you in my prayers?", things like that. It looked and sounded so good.

I want that.

Someone who remembers me.

Someone who cares enough about me to remember me.

Everyone wants that, I think. In some shape or form.

But it's not just attention that we all want, I don't think. Because it's not a good feeling to be texted or called, or asked to be hung out with just because they know you're close to a drug dealer. It doesn't feel good to be ditched to smoke pot. It hits deep, yanno?

I don't really let it get to me, but it just shows that people change and when you try to come back, things aren't the same. Not at all. Not only have they changed, but so have you. And if you don't keep up at all while you're doing different things, it's hard to cope with.

But then you look around and you realize that at least one good friend is much better than 3 friends who ditch you for weed. Use you for weed.

Thank God.

God - I need so much more of God. You know when you feel like you miss an old friend? I miss God like that. I miss relying on Him. I miss Him. How did I let Him get so far away? I always thought about Him, always do think about Him, but that's nothing. That means nothing. He needs to know that He's missed. You have to put action into it.

I miss you.

I'm so glad that it's fall. It's cold, I wear hoodies, tights, boots, scarves, drink hot coffee. It feels so good.

I'm blessed and sometimes I forget.

I have so much love to give. So much to say. Too much to say.

When it rains, have you ever noticed how everything kind of just blurs into one big artwork? You know they're all individual things, but there's something making it all jumbled? I feel like that's how this blog is right now. Just rain in the city. Just mixing colors, emotions and feelings.

watch us fly

tonight's been such a good night.

it's cold, and I'm about to experience winter in a whole different way.

good, sentimental things are being verbally, audibly expressed to me - all around me.

I'm blessed.

It's just a test.

It feels so good when you're riding your bike in a dress. tights underneath. converse up to your ankles, backpack on, sunglasses on your head.

sitting like an outsider on the concrete with a beautiful soul.

watching everyone's spirit rise, bodies rise.

goosebumps cover your arms.

hug a neck,

exchange stories,

go help your friend paint a birdhouse,

come home and hug your mother, kiss her on the mouth

put on a baggy shirt,

go outside and be held.

shiver.

share warmth.

share words,

love,

feelings.

do this to draw closer

to each other.

thank you thank you thank you thank you

live a beautiful life

so much has happened, and I've thought about writing repeatedly, but haven't had the umph or the energy.

I want to go back to two weeks ago when I went to my family reunion and talk about how blessed my whole family is. How blessed I seem to be. My uncle talked to me for a good 30 minutes about school and how I should stop worrying about my major. I told him about how I get freaked out at the thought of college because it's a huuuge step. It's deciding the rest of my life. That scares me.

He told me that my passion will carry me.

I should take my intuition and run with it.

That I have some unknown genetic code that will lead me to where I need to be - where God intends me to be.

All of that was extremely comforting, but still.. what is my unknown genetic code? No one knows, obviously.. but that makes it tough.

But I feel like I know where I need to be. I get all of these great ideas, numerous, that I always write down, for my coffee shop that I want. Everything is right in front of me. Yet I get intimidated at the whole thought of it. But I need to trust my intuition. I need to trust God, who has all power to make things work.

Lately things have been going down, excuse me, straight down the shitter. I become stressed out at the littlest thing. I get worried about things that aren't permanent. Nothing is permanent. My friend recently told me that love isn't even permanent. My stomach tries to jump out of my throat at the thought of that, and I can't believe it. I think that love is permanent. Maybe a certain level of love isn't permanent, but love is still there. I think.

Who knows.

But even when impermanent things get you down, you just have to have the right mindset. Everything is a test. Just a test of faith.

Romans 5:3

Romans 8:18

1 Peter 4:12

I walked into Mariah's house the other day to feed her dogs.

I love her house, it's so free and open. It presents such good energy. Things are written on the walls, on the mirrors, on the cabinets. All to encourage one another.

Written on the bathroom mirror was

"If you don't have good relationships with one another, you are not living a beautiful life"

When is this not true?

It's always true. Myself, when I have problems or little tiffs with friends, it eats at me. I try to push it out of my mind and tell myself that nothing is permanent, but it still keeps my eyes open and my imagination running. Even people who aren't my "friends", I still let them get the best of me. I can become the biggest bitch because of something that an "enemy" has said. I shouldn't let them control my emotions like that. I should relax and live a beautiful life, right? I think we all should.

casimir pulaski day

driving in the country. no idea where we are, the 4 of us sing so loud. let the wind carry your hands, dance with your bracelets. stop and take some pictures. save flowers. write love notes on each others' arms. 

this song screams summers name so loud.

Golden rod and the 4-H stone 
The things I brought you 
When I found out you had cancer of the bone 

Your father cried on the telephone 
And he drove his car to the Navy yard 
Just to prove that he was sorry 

In the morning through the window shade 
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade 
I could see what you were reading 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications you could do without 
When I kissed you on the mouth 

Tuesday night at the bible study 
We lift our hands and pray over your body 
But nothing ever happens 

I remember at Michael's house 
In the living room when you kissed my neck 
And I almost touched your blouse 

In the morning at the top of the stairs 
When your father found out what we did that night 
And you told me you were scared 

Oh the glory when you ran outside 
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied 
And you told me not to follow you 

Sunday night when I cleaned the house 
I find the card where you wrote it out 
With the pictures of your mother 

On the floor at the great divide 
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied 
I am crying in the bathroom 

In the morning when you finally go 
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low 
And the cardinal hits the window 

In the morning in the winter shade 
On the first of March on the holiday 
I thought I saw you breathing 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications when I see his face 
In the morning in the window 

Oh the glory when he took our place 
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face 
And he takes and he takes and he takes