I lost one of the biggest parts of me on Thursday. Just left me, no explanation. Hurt so bad. November 5, one of the worst days. He knew. He just kept piling up everything. Every single lie. I can't forgive, I'm trying to recover and stay distracted. Please, God, that's enough. Please.
I just got a 3 page text from my best friend. Just something I wrote in the back of an old red pick-up. I had completely forgotten about it, lost the note I wrote it in because my phone broke. I lost a child. Every emotion, it all came back to me. Filled my veins.
Day Old Hate.
I want to be so much closer to you because it's so refreshing to hear everything you say. Every one of your opinions, your silly stories, your big blue eyes. You and I have both got no one, dude. When Mariah leaves us, we have to stay close. We have to have each other.
You know how certain things happen for a reason? There are so many things that I could name that I'm thankful for. Let me explain. Charlotte took my ipod to Westville, accidentally. Every other song was a song from a cd he made me. That would've hurt so bad. I changed my wallpaper because of the happiness the picture of Brooke and I's feet gave me. Seeing him would've hurt so bad. His wrist tape came down because I needed the needle that was holding it up there against the silly flower picture I painted this summer. God knows everything to do. That night, Greg texted me. He just needs a friend, but I don't want to fall back in.
Please don't tell my secrets. This is all I have, all I am. Keep it in, locked tight.
I appreciate every word you said, every little thing I thought was golden and it's all gone now.
I think that I feel God so much more in the fall and winter. Which was said by Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz, but it's so true. The trees change, and it's colder; lonelier.
Alone - all one.
Confusing, right? That's what I thought.
I really don't know what it's like to be alone, but I feel so alone. I have a few, some, but I just feel alone. It's my fault, probably. Not trying to push anything in any direction, but I don't feel fulfilled like I used to. I dunno, it's just fall.
It'll be nice to be back on solid ground again. Not dependent, not lonely. I'll be satisfied. It's going to take a surgery. Just won't be a little baby cut, it'll take weeks.
I got the weirdest urge to talk to my cousin Jordan today who lives in Illinois. I haven't talked to her since I was probably 7? She's about 21 now and she's engaged. She seems like such an interesting person who I think would really help me in life. Mostly in spiritual things. She's so in touch with God, I'm almost jealous. Kind of ironic if you think about it.
The planets need to align, it's freaking us all out. There's something sort of eerie about lately and I'm not diggin' it. I could've cried when the three of us were talking about the downfall of someone close to us. All of our friends are all so deep into drugs, like, it's going to take a huge slap in the face for them to realize they've been going down this huge spiral. We'll have to be there, have to pray for them.
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