keep yourself together

I've been so confused all day.

Do I wake up ? no, keep sleeping. Go to class? Go get coffee. Should I believe her? I have no idea. Would he do that? I have no. idea.

Multiple reasons, several distractions, but I finally got a clear and obvious sign.

Like I've said before, I never get anything out of my church services. I draw on paper that's in front of me, find different scriptures, whatever I can do.

But tonight was different. He was speaking right at me, and he had no idea.

He talked about how people can be so judgmental and find interest in the wrong person because of their outward appearance. We accept and justify their true self because we like the way they appear on the outside.

So true in so many instances.

I was catching little pieces of this until I heard him say,

"Don't give your heart to someone who is undeserving."

I'm so so guilty to letting anyone and everyone in. I give every little part of my heart to them. Every emotion, every action. I give it all away so easily, and I don't even consider the consequences because I'm also guilty of living in the moment. Another story in itself.

Jake gave us a scripture, 1 Corinthians 5:...something.

He explained that they don't care - the people we let in so easily. They don't understand what you're really giving them and what it means to you. They can't fully respect it unless they feel the same way.

Stab in the chest.

They don't care about your past, in all honesty. Your present ? Your future? they'll never understand. They don't care. They just crumble it up, throw it away. It means nothing.

Everything I gave? Nothing. Got nothing in return. Was completely blind.

Another stab in the chest.

All of this hurts so bad. As much as I don't want to be bitter, and I want to be understanding? I don't understand. I really can't comprehend it. I do think that he'll be better with her. They're on the same level, and I could never accept it. I get it now. I'm better off.

Realizing all of this anger I have secretly built up, Jake pulls up another scripture.

Luke 6:37, forgive and you shall be forgiven.

So weak, I grab my shirt and try to hold back tears. I shake my head and my lips quiver. My chin hits my chest, and Maisi laughs because she knows exactly what I'm doing.

I have to forgive him.

Everyone lies, right? Everyone makes mistakes. The wound is still open, but it's healing. Time heals. I have to keep myself together. Have to have faith in the ones I'm close to. I'm too trusting. I can't let myself be thrown around. I'm worth more than that. There's so much more that I don't know how to say.