i hope all is well with you

i just wrote a few good things but deleted them to elaborate more tomorrow or some other time.

nothing has to be bad

sometimes we get caught up in everyday struggles, and we let them get the best of us. or i do at least. it's natural to feel worried, to sometimes get sad. just like it's natural to sometimes feel exceptionally euphoric; it's natural.
but occasionally you have to step outside of yourself and realize that we are living for something so much bigger than two weeks worth of school struggles. honestly, we go through this every semester. we get behind or we feel stressed out, and remember how we always get through it? we always get through it. nothing has to be bad. running around occc campus can be fun when you're trying to find a calculator, because i was almost laughing at myself when i ran into my class and received my grade-determining test. i really just slumped into my chair, nearly whimsically, and threw my arms down beside me, unloading all the breath i was struggling to find while running. it was funny. i was in such a hurry, and was temporarily so stressed out over finding something i'm now trying to get rid of, waiting here at the cafe for the wonderful girl who lent it to me. i want to buy her coffee, but don't have my card/any money at all on me.

there are several different things running through my head that i want to write about, that i want to say, but not any gumption to write it all down. actually, the difficult part currently, is how to organize it. like seeing charlotte, lulu and sid this weekend. i want to talk about how nice it was to feel so connected with them even after being apart for so long.about how nice it was that sid helped tyler and i feel more confident in where we want to go in life. like if we are meant to go to boston, it'll all work out, it'll all be okay. he helped show us the best place to live, it was nice.

i don't know, really. i don't know what exactly i'm trying to say.
but not everything has to be bad.

fall baby, always

fall is nice, and i try to shed a little light on everyone i deliver to because it feels so nice. everyone small talks about how they hate how cold it's getting, and i try to remind them that it's beautiful and they would've killed for this weather during the summer. the weather and the color of the trees is - god, it's seriously breathtaking.
i stand at the register at work, taking people's orders, and trying to run everything in and out of my ears fast to keep with the pace of the store, but my mind is always outside where the yellow leaves are blowing around. everyone looks beautiful in the fall. i know that i have to be glowing, because in the midst of every stressful thing, nature really screams that i am loved.

daily, i keep up with blogs of the ones closest to me. i have them tagged onto my home screen on my phone so i feel closer, and i become almost instantaneously happier. reading what everyone does in the morning, their conversations with the ones they love. reading what they think about during the day. i just want to be inside everyone's brain. i'm always curious, "what are you thinking?". i like to hear what goes on, and your opinions, i like knowing what the trees make you think of, what color i am. i like hearing what you think about what i'm wearing. or what someone said to you that made you inquisitive about things. really, i want to be a part of everything that makes you feel. i always want to be closer.

it's nice being so intwined in hearts of some people that you can think about hugging them for the first time in four months and tear up. thinking about hugging charlotte and drinking tea with her in her tv room. god, i really could live in that moment. sitting at her kitchen table in the morning, and looking at how we are both radiant in the mirror by the windows that overlook her mom's garden. even when we look busted, we cuddle in the morning, and enjoy criticizing the books her mom reads- just from our judgement by skimming over the pages.

i'm so excited for the upcoming weeks, and the upcoming months, because things are falling into place, and we are all so blessed. it's in the air, really.

i just want to read something

i just want to read something

october the eighteenth at ten in the morning

this morning i woke up ten minutes late, threw on clothes i knew would keep me warm, and headed out the door after making myself avocado toast for breakfast. my hands were so full, and my mom had to help me with the doors because i was rushing and inevitably going to drop my phone or laptop or breakfast on the garage floor. but she helped me, and that was nice. i get outside and the air is so brisk, it's so crisp and fresh, and freezing. i start mindlessly driving toward oklahoma city, and remember i have absolutely no gas in my car. i have to make a pit stop at a gas station by the interstate for no ethanol, and then join the parade of people rushing to work/school at eight in the morning. the interstate at these times always gives me anxiety because everyone is in a rush, all together, so uniform, but you have those random cars that like to sporadically whip out in front of you right as you're deciding to change the song? i just like to take the backroads, always.
i made it to school, ten minutes late, and sat in the front row. for whatever reason, today is different at school. i'm so used to just coming here and staring, taking down notes, and trying to comprehend everything from 8-4. yet this morning in my eight oclock class, my statistics professor went on a fourty minute rant about education, and how it's changed since the 1700s. this engaged me, thinking about how true it is that so many people just go to school to "have a degree" and they don't really give a shit about actually learning the material. and i'm one of those people. i do not give a fuuuuuuuuck about business. i do not care about business statistics, or the general flow of economics, i do not care. i do not care at all. i just think it would be helpful to know for my own business that i'm going to have. but after Machiloratti's rant, he said "find something you're passionate about, and do that. pursue that."
so i guess it shouldn't surprise me that i have a 55 average in my accounting class, and that half the time i make up excuses to skip economics. i don't really know what to do next, necessarily, but i've been thinking about it all morning; what to do. the immediate thing that came to mind when machiloratti said to find your passion, i thought about coffee, i thought about tea. and how do you really pursue that? one of my friends is now the owner of gray owl? and as much as i would hate to be a part of the hipster~hangout~ i need to follow what i want to do. like how will i ever learn if i never spend any time with it? so i think today, or within the week, i'm going to ask Andrew about shadowing there in my free time. learning the basics. maybe even if he wants to give me a job there (which is doubtful, i'm unsure if i would even ask for that), i would probably go for it. just to be involved with something i'm passionate about.
it is so dumb that i let something like accounting ruin a whole day for me. last week, it honest to god got the best of me. and that is so dumb. it is so dumb that it isn't going to matter next semester even. okay, well maybe my grade will matter, but what is the rush to finish it all so soon? there's no rush at all because i'm still nineteen, and there's a plan for everything, and it's all going to work out.

the temperature is dropping, at last

everyone has always known, and sometimes that is scary to me. it catches me off guard. when people explain my spirit to me without even really knowing me. or even if they are familiar with all of the weird things i am accustomed to doing? when they call me out on something i try to keep secret, but it leaks through the cracks somewhere. it's weird. i'm unsure why i always feel the need to keep things hidden from people, and it was never intentional, it was never mindful. i just like keeping things to myself until i can give it to the ones i put my trust and faith into, you know?

but everyone has always known about my future. even reminiscing on when i was little, they remember that i wasn't going to stick around. or maybe i will end up with my feet dug into the red clay, but it's all up in the air, and i'm ready for whatever happens. i'm really excited about everything kicking off. my whole family talks so fondly of what's going to happen, and they're never afraid to share what they're thinking. my dad texted me yesterday just to tell me he was really proud of me all around, and i've looked at it about ten times in the past twenty four hours, because sometimes i forget how sensitive he is, and how much my dad loves me. i always forget that my second guessing nature, and my tender heart comes from him most of the time. no one means better than him.

it's the same with other relationships in my life, that i forget the wonderful aspects about each of them. not that i forget, but i just really want to always be mindful of how blessed i am to have such wonderful, spiritual, loving, ever-giving, and always thoughtful people in my life. it warms me just to think about each of them, and i'm so proud of who each of them are becoming. all the friends that I still have, I have known for at least five years now, and it's so special to hear that everyone of them are actually working toward what they've always wanted to do. god, i am so proud to call them my bests. even the friends i have that have moved away, either to california or even to colorado; my best friend that moved to massachusetts, they all somehow know when i need to hear from them. they keep in touch. charlotte will take a break from studying for her earth science mid term to listen to me rant about my day then tell me how much she misses me, she'll tell me about her life and we'll make each other laugh. and i'm so happy for that, i treasure that so much.

overall, despite this shitty ass week, my life is still wonderful. this week is full of free time, even time for myself that i think i'm really going to appreciate. god is faithful.

feel it all

i feel a lot like myself today. like i am truly in the right spot, like i am adjusted to who i've always been and who i'm supposed to be. i am consumed, yet comfortable, and stable in my own existence. i am so happy like this, happy in being busy constantly with work, with school, with lunch dates and comforting my heart broken acquaintances. happy in femininity, in being a help mate to one of the most astounding individuals that i know is specially chosen. 

it's interesting to take pride in conversations throughout the day. i have urges to keep journals just to write down every wonderful thing said to me, just to have it close, to have it to look back on. actually, i may just start doing this. it's nice to have journals that inspire me, and it's nice to find strength from the person i used to be, but sometimes you just want to talk, or hear good things. 

i know all of my friends are doing well around the nation. they're all beautiful and flourishing, that's nice to know as well. 

night time bike ride

after unveiling raw emotions about our past, i felt the uncanny desire to go biking. i jumped on my precious angel of a bike that tyler has recently fixed for me, and pedaled my heart out. i went about ten miles in a little over thirty minutes, and at the end of my ride - you know after you've mentally sorted out your present unhappiness, and after you've physically fought your battles and let your endorphins win, i felt like the healthy woman i know i must be. i had missed the feeling after a ride of your skin pulsing, and sweat beginning to surface, then rolling down your skin onto the furniture you're melting into.  after a shower, and enrapturing into my favorite blogs, i came here to share a website i found that makes me so excited to make a home.

http://www.pigeontoeceramics.com/shop/category/around-the-house/

there are several little pots (mostly for succulents or house plants) that i am lusting over. little ceramic creamer pots, that i will never need, but have an urge to buy for our home in boston.
during my ride, and on the dreadful drive home from jenkins, it was apparent to me why i felt so nauseous about raking up all the awful memories our past held: i would have never dreamed of a love like this. i would have never imagined that my heart could ache for one specific soul like mine does for yours, but in the most painless of ways. i wish that i could change the past, and i wish that i could be the perfect shining gem that you deserve- be it now or even in times gone. but you were right when you said that i am doing my own thing, following my own heart and unique desires; striving for lungs full of light and a stable mentality. you were right. i'm incredibly thankful that despite the fog that lays over me, and despite my lack of perfection, that you promise every moment of your time to me. i'm thankful that as much as i know my heart is yours, yours is mine.

i apologize in advance for my annoyance

i don't feel like myself today. i woke up sick and unhappily nervous because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed the night before. i wasn't hungry or thirsty, and at this point- i wasn't even sleepy anymore. i was just miserable. i had to work at 10:30 in the morning, and after getting home at 5am, i was not happy to do so. surprisingly, work flew by and i made decent tips. i kept a generally good attitude about the store and even the shitty things that would happen. even thinking about how next week i wont work with bailey, i didn't get upset about it (as hard as it is). i took a good nap after work, i haven't eaten at all today which may be part of why i feel so upset, but i do not feel myself at all.
even my room feels weird, it's too lived in and not enough calm. i feel distant from every single person, like i can't explain what i'm feeling well enough to anyone. instead of wanting to fix it, i just want to go away and be by myself. disconnect myself even further, i suppose. it sucks to feel this way, i hate always being an emotional burden, but i can't ever fake my emotions. even pulling out of your driveway today, i almost cried but i just bit my lip and drove off instead because you said i wasn't myself and it's true that i'm not. you told me to sleep and you haven't talked to me since i left you which is neat and makes me feel even better. there are a million and one things i have thought of saying, but haven't ever let myself because i don't ever want to be a burden. i don't even feel comfortable typing it all out (even though only like three people every look at this) because i hate being this way, always having problems. being negative~ because that's what my parents think about me; i'm always negative. i come home to spend time with them and they just sit on their computers or sleep. for instance, today i got out of the shower and went to hang out with them and my mom laid her head down right when i walked in the room, acted like she was asleep until i left, then she got up and did stuff when i came back to my room. it's a wonderful feeling, this disconnection, lump in your throat, guess i'll ride my bike alone tonight, feeling. i'm not even hungry really. i just want to go away or i'm ready for it to be tomorrow.

this doesn't even halfway explain what's going through my head, but it'll do.

this too should pass

i think that i have forgotten how to be alone. i wrote bailey a note today about how to be mindful and how to be alone, and actively stored everything i wrote down into my brain to remember for myself. i tried to keep my phone in my backpack on the drive home, and i tried not to think about anything. just told myself to drive home and enjoy the present now, but within two seconds of trying to accept it, (for the first time in 5 weeks) I pulled my fingers up to my lips and almost chewed my nails off.
in my online class we are talking about anxiety. we are required to comment on other students' posts, and two people have already replied to my response in ways to help my anxiety. i remember for a few days i didnt have anxiety at all. it was the most light feeling and even when i would think about things that would generally make me anxious, i almost sighed in relief because i had no negative energy from it. i'm unsure as to where that went, but my anxiety shoots through the roof when i am alone. my brain runs on full blast, and i can't let myself think almost?
there has to be a way to fix it without some psychological doctor giving me a label and permanently getting in my head with their medication. maybe i just need to force myself to go do things by myself. i used to be so good at it, i don't know what happened. but here i am in an empty house and only 30 minutes have gone by and i'm nervously wanting to ask everyone where they are. i haven't let myself yet, but this too shall pass, right?

a new frequency

theres so much love or adoration that i want to give everyone, but my mouth doesn't work that way, it's only the inside of me like burning sometimes, wanting to get out. my mouth doesn't work like a mouth and my brain works like a mouth, only on paper or through my fingertips on a keyboard. they've got it all confused, but nothing feels more natural than writing it all down.
i always think that i'll write everyone letters so they know what they mean to me, because it's more than just an acquaintance sometimes. it's more than just, "thank you for giving me your pen today". sometimes it's the little things that make the whole day seem brighter, and i wish that everyone knew. so many words these days are taken so lightly and i don't know how to make them feel weighted.
i'm genuinely anticipating the next year more and more every day. not just because i'm moving to boston and spending the rest of my time with the boy that i've always had my heart set on, but because some of my bests and the people close to me are doing what they've always dreamed of doing too. it's feeling the support from them, and feeling their light and warmth everyday with their good morning texts that make me remember that it's all worth it.
but even more than that, maybe equivalent to, it's making new connections and finding similarities between people you've never known before. jp used to tell me that throughout his 26 years of living and from all the places that he's been, he meets the same people, only different bodies. the same personalities cycle around, but i swear that some are golden, and they have all fallen into my lap.
i am so thankful for each and every person that's been pushed into my direction, and whether you know it or not, i think about it every day.

nostalgia

it's really intimidating trying to find an apartment in boston while your parents are laughing in the next room. just makes me uneasy.


but i got my homework done for the week - for my online class, at least. drinking tea out of my new gemini mug, and just had a homemade protein bar. not everything is stressful.

coming soon, anticipating.

how do you comprehend that every dream you've ever had - be it hazy or seemingly clear - how do you come to terms that it's happening within the year? i've never felt more sure of anything in my life and i'm proud to go everywhere and write it all over everything. i'll tell anyone, i'll explain it to anyone, that i am the most blessed woman since i've come back to you. and it's not something selfish, like i swear it's not something that either of us have power of, but its something more astronomical. something that only the biggest god we believe in can control. only god almighty can make the stars align in such a way that i feel perfect in you. like the most pure and close to fulfilled woman. only with you and no body else. not any skin or no scent of another room can make me feel like this, but you make me radiate with an unreal light i didn't know i had inside of me.

fall semester of solitude

fall semester has started.
if i didn't know by the longest day of class in my life, it's obvious by how i made time to sew tonight. how i'm sitting here typing out what i'm thinking for once in a really long while. it's going to be like this for a year, and probably only get worse, but i'll adapt, i am hoping. i'll adapt or get sucked into my own things. like maybe i'll keep up really well with my school work. maybe i'll care enough this semester to actually make grades better than just average. things are all falling into place and i've never felt more sure about any one thing in my life.


thinking about months from now, or even that "one day" that's coming soon now. it's all i think about, it consumes the margins of my school work, of my notes, the margins of my free time. it's literally all i think about. where to put the wildflowers and how to wear my smile so i look somewhat elegant without looking like either one, my heart is about to explode, or two...my heart is about to explode. to say i'm excited would be an understatement.

i guess i'm making more friends, rather, making better friends with acquaintances.  it's funny to see how people act when it's just the two of you. how you can see right through whatever face they're trying to put on for you. it's a learning experience in itself.

this year is only going to get more exciting, and i'll be writing more. i promise i'll be writing more.

It's more than four letters, it's more than any word that I could write over and over and all over everything I could find. It's more than my excitement to wake up to you, right next you, each morning. It's far beyond just having any dream ring I could find, inviting everyone we have ever loved or anyone who ever cared about us to come and watch us be married. It's so much more than "this is my boyfriend since this summer", "this is my boyfriend", "im his girlfriend". more than you being a doctor or me having a vegetarian cafe. its more than the feeling to write my name with your last name on the end. It's indescribable to feel like this about someone, I can't ever put it into words. I literally try to explain to people how I love you, I can't do it - I really can't. But to see the look in your eyes that I can feel all over my skin that you feel the exact same way, it's worth all the struggle of trying to write it out. It's worth the distance for four days, not talking or being busy. It's all worth it because I am wholly and completely in love with you, Tyler. I never in my life even dreamed I could feel this way about anyone. And it's you. It's you, and I'm so thankful and beyond blessed that you love me too.

im always sad, and always lonely. reaching to hold anyones hand who seems stable or sure. but it's not me. i'm in pain all the time, and never felt so much, yet nothing at all at the same time. i could get upset about how lonely i am, but there's no reason and i'd feel dumb later. so i just listen to bon iver and pretend like i'm not upset. i don't know what i'd say anyway. all my emotions are skewed, i haven't let myself cry this much in so long. as much as i try to wean myself off of the medication, i always come back sobbing. i'm always crying. just want to be held, to feel feminine and wanted. instead i just lay here on this same pillow i've had since i was tiny. damn it all

i could cry at the drop of a hat about any one thing.

may first

so many things that no one knows, that i'm not telling. sometimes its nice to have my own little nook of information that's only mine, and no one elses. no one knows, and i can't let myself tell anyone. not anything serious, nothing truly life altering. just mine, and mine only. i've always kept secrets. kept them or forgotten. either way they're mine.

kept busy yesterday, but got all my shit done.
from picking up my bridesmaid dress, to attending showers. from work to paper writing, then onto rolling into my bed at 2:30am. i woke up just 4 and a half short hours later, practically jumping out of my skin when my alarm went off. got my stuff around in time to meet bailey at her house so we could ride to classes together.
the rewarded ourselves with a morning bowl (hardly) and went to our classes. its such a relief for those couple hours, especially when you're running on empty anyway. my mind was free of time constraints or worry about assignments or tests coming up.
but i'm back here, feet rested on this table, and i can feel the warmth of my face.

april twenty-sixth

this morning, i woke up feeling like a new woman. i distinctly remember opening my eyes this morning, and swallowing, then being shocked at how it wasn't painful to do so.
went through my morning coffee routine, talked to my mom for a bit before she had to work, then made myself lunch. mom and i have been on this kick of these really healthy little pizzas. pita bread, tomatoes, basil and mozzarella cheese. i added cilantro to mine this afternoon and it was so so good. you bake them in the oven for 20 short minutes, and i was full for seven hours. which is pretty shocking for a vegetarian meal.
after lunch, i started doing laundry - i think i ended up doing five loads. impressive for me, because i can never focus long enough to completely finish one load. with laundry came room cleaning, because half of my wardrobe was on my bed, around my bed and spread all over my floor as a blanket, only in huge piles. needless to say, my room is now spotless! it feels much more like summer in there now. i opened my blinds to let the sun in, and it's wonderful lately. knowing that i have a garden growing in my backyard is comforting as well.
things are looking up in my little head. i always seem to reach new areas of freedom when i stay at home for long periods of time, which is ironic to me. a lot of time for self-inspection and self-discovery.

skys are clear now

today i found out that i have strep. i'm on antibiotics that i'm allergic to, but it'll heal me in the long run, i guess. i'm out of school and work until wednesday - which unfortunately doesn't erase the homework, but at least i now have ample time to finish it all.

besides my throat feeling like it's being ripped to shreds little by little, and besides the fact that i have too much to do and too little motivation - i'm really happy right now. the rain cured everyone's dry spell, i think. it's beginning to feel more like summer each day. just got to push through the next few weeks of school and it's all better from there.

after the summer program that i'm helping out with at the daycare, i'm going back to work for jimmy johns. i've already talked to the managers and the only thing holding me back besides my current job is my green hair. i haven't dyed it in like two months now, and it's already fading closely to blonde... sort of. hopefully spending a lot of time in the sun this summer will help me get it back to something "normal". something jimmy john's acceptable.

i'm beyond blessed lately.

april tenth,

nostalgia for something genuine, something frail. autumn's bird has left me and i miss him.

indian land

lately i've felt more free than most times. i go wherever, i do whatever, i smoke whatever not worrying about anything or anyone else. it's so nice to feel like this, to feel like my own universe is turning in the right direction, right inside the lines that the stars are plotting out for me. yet all day i've had one thing on my mind, one person and one solid memory. even the smells of my friends neighborhood remind me of him. looking inside empty houses remind me, reading poety or thinking about doing homework. i feel stuck inside the sinking sand of everyone's father, but i'm digging myself deeper, i think.
i always skip from one puddle of emotions to the next. each person trying to keep my feet on the ground, i think. i throw up my red flag - every single time, and everyone gets it. everyone lets go and i keep running, most times in circles with the occasional opposite direction. i run back and forth from being water to being mud, from being light to hiding under rocks and eating them for every meal. counting them, then losing track.
i don't know what was meant by the old yellow book that's written in a foreign language, but our home is never the same. i'm always on some different time card than everyone else, in my own arrangement of the empty space, and you're always there. i touch base now and again, but i always push everything away. i repress everything. mostly of fear, of fear of losing the distance i like to run and fear of losing the light i find in loneliness sometimes.
i don't know, i never know, i'm in the wind. maybe one day we'll cross paths again.

so much liberation

i guess it took one of my best friends' nine month relationship to end for me to realize, again, that i'm alright alone. it's been a long time coming, and i've been so comfortable in loneliness before, but it just became so. lonely. yet when you think about how much time you have to better yourself, to come to self-actualization, there's a light that instantly shines in me.

sunday, the third

i was less confused and felt more focused while i wasn't so closely tied to everyone around me. like that day where i didn't talk to anyone except the people i lived with or crossed paths with. when i wasn't constantly on the internet via my phone or wasn't at the beck and call of each person who called/texted me. my mind was filled with what was happening in front of me, not the concerns of everyone else. i liked that, and because of that - i'm going back to my shitty phone for awhile. sometimes everything glitzy glam isn't best. or maybe it's all just self-control. 

daily grind bullshit

a lot has been on my mind, and i never know how to organize it all so i just think and think and think all day, and never know where to go with it.

today is the first time in probably two straight weeks where i've spent more than an hour by myself - which is really rare for me. i've been going full speed for the past 14 days, and today i have taken two naps. everyone in my quiet house is in bed, and i'm back to the comfort of my dim-lit living room by myself like i'm used to.

i think because of being surrounded by people nearly 24/7, i left my phone completely away from me nearly all day. it's dead half the time anyway, but i had no desire to contact anyone. i'm sorry if you were affected by this; one of my bests called me asking if i was mad because i didn't respond to anything all day, but i just have nothing to say nor the ears to listen really. sort of shitty to admit, but i need a break sometimes.

where this week has been dreadfully busy, i've really enjoyed it. thursday i hung out with my friend jp nearly all day which was really nice, to be honest. he's becoming one of my closest friends, and i love that. there are so many things that i respect about him, that i could go on and on about, but i'll spare whoever is reading. i invited him to chickasha with me on thursday to meet all of my bests at riah's party. was really comforting to mesh my two worlds, i think. we drove home together around one in the morning and had some of the best conversations. neither one of us really have anyone to talk that way with so we just get together late at night, generally, and share every idea or theory or belief that's been concerning us. he's got such a beautifully open mind about spirituality, balance and life in general. i'm his refuge, and there's so much safety in that.

so much is changing right now. my priorities are out of whack (maybe not, it's mostly about perspective), but i haven't talked to charlotte in over two weeks and i'm always tempted to just buy a plane ticket to boston and surprise her. i just imagine off the plane and finding my way to burton third and never letting go of her neck - i dream about this more often than not. but i have no money and no time, so dreaming on. my life is so scarily organized lately, it's all laid out for me with my same 'ole work schedule with my same 'ole school schedule and i see the same damn people every single day that it's sort of getting redundant. it scares me sometimes to think about committing so something for longer than a span of six months, but oh well, i guess. nothing to be afraid of. watching kids grow for a year can't be that bad. or seeing the same thing every single day for longer than six months can't be too awful.

i never know, but since all of my life seems to have fallen into a routine i'm always craving something new. i've been really wanting new piercings, my tattoo or even to make new jewelry for myself.

speaking of, i'm going to start selling things on ebay for extra cash since the daycare makes me zero dollars. i could sell a lot of my jewelry that i never wear, a shit ton of my shoes or designer bags that i never will ever carry again. i'm also excited to make a game out of hunting at goodwill for treasures i could sell online.

this is all really sporadic, but my brain has yet to slow down.

lonlilly

no one knows this, not even myself. no one knows what i'm yearning for, what still roots me in this soil. not a single soul even thinks about what they don't know about me, what i'm thinking, or what i'm desiring. no one knows my urge to write down things like this, or no one understands

warm full good balanced spiritual healthy stable strong

no one realizes that i'm writing every opinion about you. every feeling that i'm repressing about you. no one knows that i have downfalls that i believe about myself. there are things that i could list forever, but what's the use, right? there's no purpose because no one comprehends it. no one cares to reach out their arms to let me write down and scar their veins with my emotions, because that's what i'll do, i promise you. i cannot help it, i cannot help it. 

there's comfort in this, somewhat. there's comfort in knowing that i'm entrusting in you something sacred, and sometimes i'm willing to give it all away. every ounce of my being, i want it to be yours, and i want you to be mine. then there are nights like these where i'm most happy in solace. there's comfort in my phone dying and not having a charger. there's comfort in waking up alone, in drinking coffee alone, in getting ready alone, in falling asleep alone.

 

never here

remind me not to reminisce about the past. teach me to push back everything about how stable you were. how literally, you were everything i would imagine ever being with, anything that would ever make me happy. i need to forget that, i don't want to ruin anything. nor do i even have the power to. but after years and years, i want to eat vegetarian food with you. ride bikes or let you swim in the morning. i don't know, this is all silly and i'm never going to voice anything about this ever except for this moment. i need to push back every movie we didn't see, or any time that i wiped my eyes with other people's sleeves because of you.
i need to look forward to the long nights under the green cloud with the person that isn't going to panic about it. they aren't going to panic about the smoke or my fleeting nature or the fact that sometimes i want to be left alone. someone willing to go downstairs and make me coffee. someone willing to tuck themselves in next to me and buy me my favorite books for christmas on a whim. damnit, this isn't about you. i need someone easy, yet stable. someone i don't know, yet need everything they embody.
i keep dreaming, and i will.

always gone from here

remember when my hair wasn't to my collar, or when my hands, legs, face wasn't rough, dry and untouched? when my hair wasn't green. when i knew how to love, and it wasn't the hardest thing to let someone in. to accept their insecurities to embrace them?
i let love in and i hold onto it, but one wrong turn and i want to crawl up into my attic that i have planned for myself. i want to take some coffee-drinking stranger into my quilted bed and just lay there. or talk about books over hot tea in my lamp-lit room. i don't want you to tell me about earthworms, don't talk about your year of intoxication. i need someone ready to accept that i run away in eighteen different directions. i'm sorry, my red flag is up always and you know this. you're already scared and i'm already gone.

boy friends

today at lunch i got a message from someone i used to call my best friend. he was my best friend and never anything more than that. that's why still to this day we feel comfortable just hanging out alone - especially when we haven't made time to do so in months. we decided to go to dinner, and he picked me up spontaneously at my house, we drove by kyle's and the three of us went to bison witches for soup. michael and i did at least.

the whole night we never did a thing. we very well accomplished not doing anything, but we had some of the best conversations. it's cool to be friends with people who care more about things going on in the world, or in this state, or just know things in general. i'm really just sick of people talking about how dank the weed is from denver or about all of the wonderful things of disk golf that no one understands, but still they persistently force everything on us. i love them to death, but goodness.

i probably spent more time happily in the nastiest apartment i've ever seen, than anywhere else this week. especially on this couch i've been so bound to. michael stafford came over, and the night got even better. they're all such good guys full of depth that i'm so thankful to be friends with.

hot hands, cold heart

tonight was one of those nights were i did everything i wanted to - i watched sappy movie after sappy movie about love in a foreign country and ate two bags of popcorn. i don't even care, nor do i really need to be concerned. i'm still downing my diet coke as i'm typing this. sitting on this same brown leather couch that i've been bound to since monday. since i caught this disease.

my lungs aren't the only thing that need medical attention. maybe not even medical but psychological? emotional, maybe physical. but i'm all caught up in 'what about the future' plans. the question of whether i'm in it for the long haul question. and my old, and seemingly forgotten mantra of "dont give your heart to someone undeserving". yet it isn't even that, because he deserves the world. he deserves someone who wants to be touched and talked to all the time. someone who doesn't mind partying until 3am every weeknight or weekend. someone who likes the food he makes. he deserves that girl who needs every ounce of him like he needs her.

but that's not me. it's never been me and never will be. mostly because sometimes even when my closest friends touch me i could kill them. i hate being touched sometimes, and please don't hound me about anything. don't get maaaad when i want to hang out with my family or when i don't want to smoke weed because my lung is currently collapsing. i'm sorry that i don't want to eat your food. the same food that you always make. some sort of pasta with (bet you can't guess it) garlic, onions and peppers. ohhh my god, if i had a dollar for ever meal that was made with those ingredients. i could pay for every ticket to boston i've lusted over. i could pay for my schooling there, and i could buy all of the cardigans i want. 

i'm not writing this for anyone, really. i'm writing because i need to get it out of my system so i stop having mild panic attacks about essentially breaking up with him. we aren't even dating, but he gets so anxious and worried and sad. don't need me, i'm probably the wrong girl to ever need because in more ways than one, i'm just like my mother. i'm cold, and i'll reject you until you bleed. and sometimes i won't feel bad. it'll weigh on me until it evaporates into the green along with every other crisis i avert.

no one is here in there right mind next to me. they're somewhere out there falling in love with the cabinets, wandering about the fourth floor. they're somewhere in the green cloud or they're daydreaming about something else. no one is here but this blank page that i fill with hope for myself.

five star gemini, always

i'm so done with this lung infection of sorts. i'm sick of my heart racing each time i get up to go to the bathroom or each time i get more water. like i'm sick of not being hungry, but always feeling faint. i want to get out of this house, but i'm afraid i'll throw up or be miserable or pass out. the morning i woke up with this sickness, my hears rang and i could hear my heartbeat because i was on the verge of fainting. i'm always so frail, walking on ice with my body's stability and i never know how to fix it. even my emotions, like i'm set off into the cosmos each time i get close to someone because i feel trapped and strangled. don't get mad when i want to hang out with my mom. i'm practically fighting with this boy who i'm in a relationship with, but not really? i hate it and hes sad because of me. i can barely breathe and i can barely move, but he can get mad at me because i won't go to dinner with him. i feel trapped. and i want SO bad i really want to go to boston. he just texted me and i could vomit, but i won't. i'll sit here and drink water and pretend my phone didn't buzz. i'll pretend like everything's okay. i'll play like my lung isn't collapsing and i'll act like we aren't together. i'll act like i'm fine, i'm strong and i'll pretend i like this damn couch. fuck, i hate today. i'm supposed to be five stars.