i don't feel like myself today. i woke up sick and unhappily nervous because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed the night before. i wasn't hungry or thirsty, and at this point- i wasn't even sleepy anymore. i was just miserable. i had to work at 10:30 in the morning, and after getting home at 5am, i was not happy to do so. surprisingly, work flew by and i made decent tips. i kept a generally good attitude about the store and even the shitty things that would happen. even thinking about how next week i wont work with bailey, i didn't get upset about it (as hard as it is). i took a good nap after work, i haven't eaten at all today which may be part of why i feel so upset, but i do not feel myself at all.
even my room feels weird, it's too lived in and not enough calm. i feel distant from every single person, like i can't explain what i'm feeling well enough to anyone. instead of wanting to fix it, i just want to go away and be by myself. disconnect myself even further, i suppose. it sucks to feel this way, i hate always being an emotional burden, but i can't ever fake my emotions. even pulling out of your driveway today, i almost cried but i just bit my lip and drove off instead because you said i wasn't myself and it's true that i'm not. you told me to sleep and you haven't talked to me since i left you which is neat and makes me feel even better. there are a million and one things i have thought of saying, but haven't ever let myself because i don't ever want to be a burden. i don't even feel comfortable typing it all out (even though only like three people every look at this) because i hate being this way, always having problems. being negative~ because that's what my parents think about me; i'm always negative. i come home to spend time with them and they just sit on their computers or sleep. for instance, today i got out of the shower and went to hang out with them and my mom laid her head down right when i walked in the room, acted like she was asleep until i left, then she got up and did stuff when i came back to my room. it's a wonderful feeling, this disconnection, lump in your throat, guess i'll ride my bike alone tonight, feeling. i'm not even hungry really. i just want to go away or i'm ready for it to be tomorrow.
this doesn't even halfway explain what's going through my head, but it'll do.
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