i think that i have forgotten how to be alone. i wrote bailey a note today about how to be mindful and how to be alone, and actively stored everything i wrote down into my brain to remember for myself. i tried to keep my phone in my backpack on the drive home, and i tried not to think about anything. just told myself to drive home and enjoy the present now, but within two seconds of trying to accept it, (for the first time in 5 weeks) I pulled my fingers up to my lips and almost chewed my nails off.
in my online class we are talking about anxiety. we are required to comment on other students' posts, and two people have already replied to my response in ways to help my anxiety. i remember for a few days i didnt have anxiety at all. it was the most light feeling and even when i would think about things that would generally make me anxious, i almost sighed in relief because i had no negative energy from it. i'm unsure as to where that went, but my anxiety shoots through the roof when i am alone. my brain runs on full blast, and i can't let myself think almost?
there has to be a way to fix it without some psychological doctor giving me a label and permanently getting in my head with their medication. maybe i just need to force myself to go do things by myself. i used to be so good at it, i don't know what happened. but here i am in an empty house and only 30 minutes have gone by and i'm nervously wanting to ask everyone where they are. i haven't let myself yet, but this too shall pass, right?
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