five star gemini, always

i'm so done with this lung infection of sorts. i'm sick of my heart racing each time i get up to go to the bathroom or each time i get more water. like i'm sick of not being hungry, but always feeling faint. i want to get out of this house, but i'm afraid i'll throw up or be miserable or pass out. the morning i woke up with this sickness, my hears rang and i could hear my heartbeat because i was on the verge of fainting. i'm always so frail, walking on ice with my body's stability and i never know how to fix it. even my emotions, like i'm set off into the cosmos each time i get close to someone because i feel trapped and strangled. don't get mad when i want to hang out with my mom. i'm practically fighting with this boy who i'm in a relationship with, but not really? i hate it and hes sad because of me. i can barely breathe and i can barely move, but he can get mad at me because i won't go to dinner with him. i feel trapped. and i want SO bad i really want to go to boston. he just texted me and i could vomit, but i won't. i'll sit here and drink water and pretend my phone didn't buzz. i'll pretend like everything's okay. i'll play like my lung isn't collapsing and i'll act like we aren't together. i'll act like i'm fine, i'm strong and i'll pretend i like this damn couch. fuck, i hate today. i'm supposed to be five stars.