a wedding, and part one of a honeymoon

after literal months of planning, and anxiously (not patiently) awaiting, i married the light of my life. everyone had warned me that my wedding day would fly by, to soak it all in, and they were right- not only did my wedding day pass right before my eyes, but so has this honeymoon! or so it seems...

we took off from our home in oklahoma city sunday night around 9:30, planning on driving through the night/morning until we reached flagstaff, arizona. i'm writing this from "wildflower bakery company" here in flagstaff only 24 minutes past six on a monday night, and it honestly feels like days since we left oklahoma. tyler was a champion and drove the majority of the way while i (probably don't even need to waste time saying this) slept. he finally got tired around 4:30am in albuquerque and woke me up to take over for a few hours. once the sun started rising in western new mexico, things got easier, but having just woken up and hardly rubbed my eyes, it was difficult for me to adjust my focus. driving through scary ass new mexico wasn't helpful either considering the desert fields, and dry weird plants reminded me of "the hills have eyes". every lonely building was a nuclear testing zone, every trailer was home to mutants, and my sleeping husband and i were victims. 

but after whining, many more miles traveled, coffee breaks and gas stops, we stopped at the meteor crater in meteor city, arizona! i caught onto tyler's excitement once we were inside, but the $16 entry fee had me reconsidering looking at a giant hole in the ground. it was legitimately neat though, i really liked it.

i'm still unsure whether my enjoyment from it was from my genuine interest or if i just loved seeing tyler's face light up as he played with the planet termination simulator they had there haha. either way, it was $32 well spent. $33 if we count the dollar i spent on a little glass bottle full of rose quartz that i bought for mariah. 

arriving in flagstaff was the most glorious feeling- seeing actual buildings and being able to recognize it as a city was strange after the desert stretch between home and here. we found the cheapest hotel nearby and crashed for an hour or so. the trend of buying bell pepper pizza from dominos continued when we woke up from our naps, because there's nothing so quickly satisfying as bell pepper pizza, trust me. still wanting to lounge in our hotel room, we watched 50 first dates. felt funny just laying down in a hotel room when we had plans to see the grand canyon and explore the city, but i think we needed it. 

we left our hotel room feeling rejuvenated. it was only an hour drive to the grand canyon from flagstaff, and it was a very pretty drive. i always have the initial issue of adjusting to higher altitudes, so driving through mountains at 8,000 feet wasn't fun for me at first, but the pine trees, birch trees, funny little chapels with hobbit doors, and all of the wonderful landscape was well worth it, especially when we actually reached the grand canyon. mine and tyler's family kept telling us not to be anticipating much because it's just a hole in the ground, which now i find really shocking to think about someone saying. the grand canyon was the most majestic thing to me. tyler and i walked around the south rim, went to all of the little guard rails to look into it, and at each stop, the two of us would pause and marvel at the whole thing. 

even looking at the canyon from afar was enough to give you vertigo, but tyler got gutsy and climbed down this hidden/beaten path to a ledge deeper into the canyon. he finally stopped when he was about a foot away from the ledge, and from the top i watched him outstretch his arms. the gust of the wind was enough to nearly blow my sunglasses off my head, and he was standing in the middle of the canyon, arms stretched wide, and trusting his two legs to hold him there. 

but now here we are, both sitting in this cafe in flagstaff, arizona like we live here. i'm writing, he's reading, and just enjoying this quiet time together. there is nothing like feeling perfect in the situation you've been blessed with. there's nothing like feeling god's honest love in everything you do; it's apparent in all of nature, in tyler and i, our family and friends back home, and in this beautiful weather outside of this cafe. 

sweet stillness

i wish i had the energy or the brain power to make clear sentences of everything wonderful happening in my neck of these woods. things are falling into place for our wedding, and my hair is getting longer. my body is getting healthier, and my spirit is sound. i spend moments like these meditating on the things we've been blessed with. meditating on all the glorious people i've been so honored to know. my good grades this semester and my genuine passion i have for living.

we ordered our cake today for our wedding, and the woman gave me such a compliment. something that sort of made me snap back into the realization of who i am instead of how i feel.

i always encourage my bests in telling them that god made them perfect, and i truly believe that he has. i even tell bailey this who prays to the trees or the moon or whoever was best to her that day, and she embraces it for at least a moment.
but i suppose sometimes it's hard for me to remind myself that i too have been made perfect.

i've misspelled about 38 words thus far, and i'm already sick of this track that's playing.
but i hope all is well and wonderful with you.

don't ever forget you've been made perfect.
absolutely perfect.

about us

even after reading blog after blog about planning a wedding, i never thought i'd say it...but planning a wedding is hard. i was doing pretty well with the stress aspect, not letting myself get too absorbed in the anxiety my brain wanted to trap me in. it wasn't hard for me to search for wedding invitations, or plan the flowers i wanted or even the people i wanted to share the day with. but the breaking point day came where i had to second guess the idea of having a "wedding". a traditional, well- tweaked version of tradition, wedding wasn't for me. wasn't for either of us maybe.

while sitting in my chemistry lecture, i got a text from tylers sister saying that a girl in our youth group, a fellow youth leader, actually- had changed her date to the same date that tyler and i had set. obviously infuriated, tyler and i had did everything but ask her to change her date. come to think of it when tyler was messaging her from my phone, he may have asked her to. it doesn't really matter now, and theres a huge back story as to why this whole thing is so frustrating to us, but it isn't worth typing out really. anyway, yesterday was also the day my dress came in the mail from boston. i had ordered it from a woman there off of a website called oncewed.com where women sell their wedding dresses for cheaper than the store value. it was my exact measurements, and it wasn't until i tried it on that i realized maybe i was wrong. there was an inch (or so) gap where it wouldn't zip around my rib cage.

after this i had hit a serious breaking point in the whole planning process. it was almost as if signs were pointing to just "eloping". i'm unsure about that word, because it may not have the same definition for us. but in our case the idea just waking up one morning in may and deciding that as the day we begin our lives together. just taking off in our car and driving to california for our honeymoon. maybe not even having a destination, but just being together, because that's what really matters at the end of it all.

i expressed all of this to tyler last night, and he responded with some of the most perfect words. things i really needed to hear in that moment. something along the lines of how he didn't care how we got married, or if it were big, if we had a reception or if we drove away somewhere. all that mattered to him was that I, his wife, was happy that day, and that it was everything i had dreamed of. i choked trying to tell him how good that felt to hear coming from him because i had that knot in my throat and tears hiding around my eyes. it was then that i realized i don't care who is there to share it with me, or i don't care if anyone even knows which day it happens on. just knowing, and signing my heart over to his. jumping into the car, almost impulsively and embarking on our lives together.

this idea has been juggling around in my mind, because it is a big decision. something that only happens once. but again- the end is the same. i'm marrying the love of my life that day. expressing my love to him, and praying to god and all things wonderful that he feels how closely knit i feel to him. how even when i tell him that i love him, it means something bigger than that.

 it's bigger than our yoga room we may have with the western windows. bigger than falling asleep next to you, or making you coffee in the morning. bigger than having a room to dedicate your studies to. more than our gardens, our house plants, our puppy. it's spiritual, like you and i have always been even when we feel ourselves drifting off from it.  i have been searching for the right mala for you, researching gemstones compatible with your spirit and for the day coming soon. when i think that i know you inside and out, i remember that there are energies deeper inside you that i'm not always aware of. or how the stars aligned for you, and how i sometimes disagree with the description they (whoever 'they' are) put on your birth date. it's such a big thing, and i'm so excited to discover these in you. imagining the days that we find ourselves meditating in our house together. sort of noticing you with your mala in passing. i nearly cried when i found the one i'm getting you because spirituality, and meditation is so big. it feels like it's even more of sign, or even a message from the higher power inside of each of us that we are in the right direction with each other.

my heart is always yours, and this is one thing i have never been more sure of.

it's midnight

there comes a point, seemingly in my life-far too often, that you just have to break down and recognize that even when you audibly tell yourself you're strong. or when you remind yourself that you are natural and beautiful while you're standing, sobbing in the shower by yourself, you have to recognize that you really annoy do it on your own. I've been blessed with a wonderful helpmate, truly. I often seek way too much affection in hopes to physically feel desired, or in hopes to make myself feel worth something more than the bag of tears I have. Yet I've been blessed with a real man who knows that sometimes I just need to be told that it's unrealistic for me to tell myself (mentally) all of the awful negative things I feel my spirit throughout the day. Sometimes when I step back and remember us laying in bed together, me crying and searching for a response, I realize that him listening and holding me is more consultation than I ever expected. It's after these realizations that a woman has to take control of her body. I've been focusing on this for awhile now, but it's a consuming prifect bigger than mental encouragements as you're driving to school. You won't really see a true turn around until you mentally commit to changing your perspective. When you openly tell yourself that things are going to be different. When you tie down your emotions and tell yourself that your heart is in charge and your boy follows. Your emotions are something that make a woman unique, and they aren't all powerfully consuming like mine had become. Become. It's a process, but finding my own feet and recognizing my own uniqueness is something I'm still learning. Not only bringing the idea to mind, but learning to accept it myself. Which is something I never thought I would have an issue in overcoming.

in finding yourself

this morning i woke up and pretended for myself and my parents to be the most well-rested individual. i jumped out of bed and washed my face, and thanked God that today was going to be beautiful. my parents hoovered over me while i made my morning coffee, and thinking back, i'm not very sure what we talked about because i was so into trying to prove that i wasn't tired. when i got into my car heading to school, i realized that my eyes were heavy.

the four hours of sleep i was living on today was worth it, though. technically, i slept more than that if you count the hours i spent sleeping on tyler's chest while he couldn't sleep. it's the most natural feeling to be near him. everyday something comes and proves that he's my soul mate, honestly. a help mate.

there's so much that i should be doing right now. i have test upon test upon studying that i should be doing. but my spirit, body, mind cleanse part of my brain suggested i turn on a good pandora radio and make myself a vegetarian dinner. if you're curious, i made myself rosemary potatoes and ate some black beans. i set up a healthy and comforting area to sit here and write it all down in hopes of maintaining this steady mindset. there is often times a strange sort of freedom to be found in being alone. maybe it's something about knowing there's no one to be seen or heard by. it's a completely controlled environment that i used to be so immune to.

i saw something today about 'losing yourself', sort of in the sense of there being freedom in losing yourself. where that idea is sort of romantic, you know, not really controlling your actions and just sort of drifting along with no guidance; a place where i think i used to reside. where i'm finding myself again, i'm also finding where i am not. i'm not the one who had lost herself in her bedroom with her chillum bowl and a good bag of bud. i'm not the one who would go to shows and smoke cigarettes while stoned and ignoring everyone around me. i'm the one who tries to hold it all together - 25-30 hour work weeks, 15 hour school load, being a wife to be, a daughter, a sister, a friend. i'm the one who finds friends in strangers. the one who tries to shed a little love to even the window covered in condensation. maybe i'm a love maker, a tea advocate, coffee drinker. whatever i am, or whatever is becoming of me, there's peace in knowing that i'm doing what is best for myself in my entirety.

finding yourself is discovering not only the things that define you're natural body, spirit, and mind, but it's finding what you are not. anymore.

humbling shavasana

i'm happy to say that this cleansing thing is really working out for me. spending less time attached to technology, being more conscious of my food intake, and spending more time in prayer/meditation/doing yoga. i can already tell a difference in myself. my posture has improved substantially and my overall demeanor is much nicer, even to myself. i feel less pathetic, less like i've lost complete control, and that's nice.

today was my first sunday off work since july, and i used this evening to go to hot yoga with dylan and his friend christina. upon entering i immediately knew it was going to be tough to endure 75 minutes of the 90 degree temperature. warming up, it honestly took my breath away at times, and i felt a little light headed. however, once you get deeper into the practice, you lose complete track of time. forgetting what time it is, where you are or even that you're mindfully breathing. it all comes naturally to you, being present and in the moment.

the instructor was so kind, and i really like the way he would word some of the stretches, like you were pushing away the walls of your life, all the boundaries your mind likes to keep you in. it's things like that that make my mind run in deep into myself for introspection. maybe not even that, but just sort of a release.

near the end of the session, he turned the lights way down low, and we all just laid there in shavasana. the instructor went around the room and spritzed us with jasmine something or rather. something with mint, because when it delicately fell onto your face, and you took your deep inhale, it was cooling. cleansing even. i was so lost in prayer at this moment. not praying, i wasn't really even saying words, not even thinking them, but there was that intimate feeling of connection like when you're hugging someone whom you haven't seen in months. all i could manage to mutter was "thank you".

it sounds cliche, but i felt so cleansed afterwards. i made a commitment to myself to make it my weekly obligation to go to this. if not for myself, for harvard. for tyler, for my future, and for the rest of my life.

the root of the root and the bud of the bud

alright.

this is going to be evening number one of actively taking over my body again. everything from my muscles to my nerves to my mind and spirit. regaining complete control, and not letting my environment control every ounce of me.

i came home sort of tipsy, a little bit. home to my parents who knew i was drinking (sipping rather) and this is the first time they've been around me while i've been openly intoxicated. i came home a chatter box, and sort of really sleepy.

yet i'm so ready to begin this detox type lifestyle to reclaim myself. i'm starting off with yoga tonight in my room, already planning the music i'm going to play and setting the lighting perfectly to relax, unwind, and collect every flowing thought into inner peace and calm spirit.

avocado and wasabi peas

just completed my first homework set for the semester. having all of this extra time will help me stay on top of my assignments, i believe. it's also nice that during these breaks, i have time to skype with kelsey.

i'm here from 9am - 8:30 this evening, with two breaks. one from 12-2:30 then the other from 3:50-6. All i brought for dinner was an avocado and some wasabi peas. i'm expecting to start my period on this day, because why wouldn't i.

everything is aligning and everything is still up in the air at the same time. it's all really exciting, and i'm growing more comfortable in everything once again. it's interesting to feel like you've got such a grasp on everything, then an email turns things around again. you can never be sure, and as much as i want to say that nothing exciting happens in my life, i'm always on my toes.

truly, i think i say this in each post, but i'm surrounded with some of the most beautiful people. it's wonderful, and all is well and right.

i'm awfully unhappy today.
i closed for the second time in a row last night. maybe it's because i'm so tired, or maybe it's lack of genuine social interaction. maybe it's lack of caffeine. maybe it's because tyler is still gone, and it's been a whole week. i've been decently strong, i think. decently. it's getting tougher though as days go on. you'd think it would get easier, but it still sucks. the days are so long.

this is just sad, and not really helping me feel better.
i miss you. i miss you a lot.

aletheia

it's funny how things work out. i came here to write about loneliness and the inevitable search for self-worth, and as i log in, tyler had logged into his account that was unknown to me. he wrote it days after we began dating, writing about his love for me, and how i make him want to continually strive to be better.

"Of all the thoughts and ideas that shape me, love is what most passionately controls who I am. Over the last four or five years of my life I have known it for what it is, but the stars haven't been right for it to truly begin until now. Now nature has given her ultimate blessing and I am happy for it. More than just a feeling of contentment, it is an emotion that pushes me to better myself. Spiritually. Physically. Mentally. All I want to do is progress, and it is that feeling that makes it true. Love is something that brings you ceaseless joy but also pushes you to look upon yourself with a loving and introspective eye."

it's hard being here without him. i have to learn to sleep by myself again. i have to learn to go places and not call him. still to this day, and this is day five, i pick up my phone and try to call him. i miss him so much, and it sounds so pathetic to me. i have never been this dependent upon anyone - not even my parents really. but conversations are less interesting. days are ten times longer, god the days are so long. i wish that i could sleep for a solid week, and wake up to pick him up on saturday. it's sad, and it's pathetic, but i don't really care.

it's more than a dependence at this point. it's something i crave, and our relationship is something i think improves my all over demeanor. he brings to the table what i crave to learn and hear; he is what stimulates me. even the seemingly mindless banter back and forth, i miss it. hearing myself type this, i act like it's been months since i've seen him, but we dont go more than ten hours (while sleeping) without seeing each other. he's always beside me, he's always there for me to confide in. those consoling arms that i'm spoiled to.

everyone is leaving this week. mariah left days ago to see miguel, and she's out of reach. i call her, and text her, not really expecting a reply, i suppose, but it just feels like she's so far away. charlotte is in australia, tyler is in africa, kelsey is leaving for africa in four days. i'm teaching myself how to be alone again. fortunately, i have my siblings, i have bailey. i have tylers roommates who text me.

i look at "aletheia" and all i can do is cry because i know how much thought he put into the whole thing. i am sitting here, eyes full of tears, partly because i miss him, and partly because of the love i have for him. the ever-flourishing love that i have for him. it's sickening to know i still have a week without him, no contact.

aletheia.

who am i to deserve such a love? i will always see him as this gem that no one can touch. like in the museums when the special artifacts are roped off and put into glass boxes, that is him. he's untouchable, and he's special. he's rare, and he's perfect in even his imperfections which are none to me. i cannot think of one thing about him that i do not appreciate. not a single thing. i feel so blessed to call him mine. i get to marry him even. he asked me, this dirty, weird and tiny little being of a girl to spend his life with him. i will never understand why he loves me this much. crying again thinking about how much i know he loves me. i don't get it. but he is what i need. he's what i've always wanted.

everything is different while he's in africa. it's probably good for me, for both of us. i wouldn't wish him back here immediately for the world. i know this is what he wants, and it's what i want for him. aside from his passion for loving me, he's spectacular at loving everyone else too. the ones that need him most. i just miss him a lot.

i hope all is well with you

i just wrote a few good things but deleted them to elaborate more tomorrow or some other time.

nothing has to be bad

sometimes we get caught up in everyday struggles, and we let them get the best of us. or i do at least. it's natural to feel worried, to sometimes get sad. just like it's natural to sometimes feel exceptionally euphoric; it's natural.
but occasionally you have to step outside of yourself and realize that we are living for something so much bigger than two weeks worth of school struggles. honestly, we go through this every semester. we get behind or we feel stressed out, and remember how we always get through it? we always get through it. nothing has to be bad. running around occc campus can be fun when you're trying to find a calculator, because i was almost laughing at myself when i ran into my class and received my grade-determining test. i really just slumped into my chair, nearly whimsically, and threw my arms down beside me, unloading all the breath i was struggling to find while running. it was funny. i was in such a hurry, and was temporarily so stressed out over finding something i'm now trying to get rid of, waiting here at the cafe for the wonderful girl who lent it to me. i want to buy her coffee, but don't have my card/any money at all on me.

there are several different things running through my head that i want to write about, that i want to say, but not any gumption to write it all down. actually, the difficult part currently, is how to organize it. like seeing charlotte, lulu and sid this weekend. i want to talk about how nice it was to feel so connected with them even after being apart for so long.about how nice it was that sid helped tyler and i feel more confident in where we want to go in life. like if we are meant to go to boston, it'll all work out, it'll all be okay. he helped show us the best place to live, it was nice.

i don't know, really. i don't know what exactly i'm trying to say.
but not everything has to be bad.

fall baby, always

fall is nice, and i try to shed a little light on everyone i deliver to because it feels so nice. everyone small talks about how they hate how cold it's getting, and i try to remind them that it's beautiful and they would've killed for this weather during the summer. the weather and the color of the trees is - god, it's seriously breathtaking.
i stand at the register at work, taking people's orders, and trying to run everything in and out of my ears fast to keep with the pace of the store, but my mind is always outside where the yellow leaves are blowing around. everyone looks beautiful in the fall. i know that i have to be glowing, because in the midst of every stressful thing, nature really screams that i am loved.

daily, i keep up with blogs of the ones closest to me. i have them tagged onto my home screen on my phone so i feel closer, and i become almost instantaneously happier. reading what everyone does in the morning, their conversations with the ones they love. reading what they think about during the day. i just want to be inside everyone's brain. i'm always curious, "what are you thinking?". i like to hear what goes on, and your opinions, i like knowing what the trees make you think of, what color i am. i like hearing what you think about what i'm wearing. or what someone said to you that made you inquisitive about things. really, i want to be a part of everything that makes you feel. i always want to be closer.

it's nice being so intwined in hearts of some people that you can think about hugging them for the first time in four months and tear up. thinking about hugging charlotte and drinking tea with her in her tv room. god, i really could live in that moment. sitting at her kitchen table in the morning, and looking at how we are both radiant in the mirror by the windows that overlook her mom's garden. even when we look busted, we cuddle in the morning, and enjoy criticizing the books her mom reads- just from our judgement by skimming over the pages.

i'm so excited for the upcoming weeks, and the upcoming months, because things are falling into place, and we are all so blessed. it's in the air, really.

i just want to read something

i just want to read something

october the eighteenth at ten in the morning

this morning i woke up ten minutes late, threw on clothes i knew would keep me warm, and headed out the door after making myself avocado toast for breakfast. my hands were so full, and my mom had to help me with the doors because i was rushing and inevitably going to drop my phone or laptop or breakfast on the garage floor. but she helped me, and that was nice. i get outside and the air is so brisk, it's so crisp and fresh, and freezing. i start mindlessly driving toward oklahoma city, and remember i have absolutely no gas in my car. i have to make a pit stop at a gas station by the interstate for no ethanol, and then join the parade of people rushing to work/school at eight in the morning. the interstate at these times always gives me anxiety because everyone is in a rush, all together, so uniform, but you have those random cars that like to sporadically whip out in front of you right as you're deciding to change the song? i just like to take the backroads, always.
i made it to school, ten minutes late, and sat in the front row. for whatever reason, today is different at school. i'm so used to just coming here and staring, taking down notes, and trying to comprehend everything from 8-4. yet this morning in my eight oclock class, my statistics professor went on a fourty minute rant about education, and how it's changed since the 1700s. this engaged me, thinking about how true it is that so many people just go to school to "have a degree" and they don't really give a shit about actually learning the material. and i'm one of those people. i do not give a fuuuuuuuuck about business. i do not care about business statistics, or the general flow of economics, i do not care. i do not care at all. i just think it would be helpful to know for my own business that i'm going to have. but after Machiloratti's rant, he said "find something you're passionate about, and do that. pursue that."
so i guess it shouldn't surprise me that i have a 55 average in my accounting class, and that half the time i make up excuses to skip economics. i don't really know what to do next, necessarily, but i've been thinking about it all morning; what to do. the immediate thing that came to mind when machiloratti said to find your passion, i thought about coffee, i thought about tea. and how do you really pursue that? one of my friends is now the owner of gray owl? and as much as i would hate to be a part of the hipster~hangout~ i need to follow what i want to do. like how will i ever learn if i never spend any time with it? so i think today, or within the week, i'm going to ask Andrew about shadowing there in my free time. learning the basics. maybe even if he wants to give me a job there (which is doubtful, i'm unsure if i would even ask for that), i would probably go for it. just to be involved with something i'm passionate about.
it is so dumb that i let something like accounting ruin a whole day for me. last week, it honest to god got the best of me. and that is so dumb. it is so dumb that it isn't going to matter next semester even. okay, well maybe my grade will matter, but what is the rush to finish it all so soon? there's no rush at all because i'm still nineteen, and there's a plan for everything, and it's all going to work out.

the temperature is dropping, at last

everyone has always known, and sometimes that is scary to me. it catches me off guard. when people explain my spirit to me without even really knowing me. or even if they are familiar with all of the weird things i am accustomed to doing? when they call me out on something i try to keep secret, but it leaks through the cracks somewhere. it's weird. i'm unsure why i always feel the need to keep things hidden from people, and it was never intentional, it was never mindful. i just like keeping things to myself until i can give it to the ones i put my trust and faith into, you know?

but everyone has always known about my future. even reminiscing on when i was little, they remember that i wasn't going to stick around. or maybe i will end up with my feet dug into the red clay, but it's all up in the air, and i'm ready for whatever happens. i'm really excited about everything kicking off. my whole family talks so fondly of what's going to happen, and they're never afraid to share what they're thinking. my dad texted me yesterday just to tell me he was really proud of me all around, and i've looked at it about ten times in the past twenty four hours, because sometimes i forget how sensitive he is, and how much my dad loves me. i always forget that my second guessing nature, and my tender heart comes from him most of the time. no one means better than him.

it's the same with other relationships in my life, that i forget the wonderful aspects about each of them. not that i forget, but i just really want to always be mindful of how blessed i am to have such wonderful, spiritual, loving, ever-giving, and always thoughtful people in my life. it warms me just to think about each of them, and i'm so proud of who each of them are becoming. all the friends that I still have, I have known for at least five years now, and it's so special to hear that everyone of them are actually working toward what they've always wanted to do. god, i am so proud to call them my bests. even the friends i have that have moved away, either to california or even to colorado; my best friend that moved to massachusetts, they all somehow know when i need to hear from them. they keep in touch. charlotte will take a break from studying for her earth science mid term to listen to me rant about my day then tell me how much she misses me, she'll tell me about her life and we'll make each other laugh. and i'm so happy for that, i treasure that so much.

overall, despite this shitty ass week, my life is still wonderful. this week is full of free time, even time for myself that i think i'm really going to appreciate. god is faithful.

feel it all

i feel a lot like myself today. like i am truly in the right spot, like i am adjusted to who i've always been and who i'm supposed to be. i am consumed, yet comfortable, and stable in my own existence. i am so happy like this, happy in being busy constantly with work, with school, with lunch dates and comforting my heart broken acquaintances. happy in femininity, in being a help mate to one of the most astounding individuals that i know is specially chosen. 

it's interesting to take pride in conversations throughout the day. i have urges to keep journals just to write down every wonderful thing said to me, just to have it close, to have it to look back on. actually, i may just start doing this. it's nice to have journals that inspire me, and it's nice to find strength from the person i used to be, but sometimes you just want to talk, or hear good things. 

i know all of my friends are doing well around the nation. they're all beautiful and flourishing, that's nice to know as well. 

night time bike ride

after unveiling raw emotions about our past, i felt the uncanny desire to go biking. i jumped on my precious angel of a bike that tyler has recently fixed for me, and pedaled my heart out. i went about ten miles in a little over thirty minutes, and at the end of my ride - you know after you've mentally sorted out your present unhappiness, and after you've physically fought your battles and let your endorphins win, i felt like the healthy woman i know i must be. i had missed the feeling after a ride of your skin pulsing, and sweat beginning to surface, then rolling down your skin onto the furniture you're melting into.  after a shower, and enrapturing into my favorite blogs, i came here to share a website i found that makes me so excited to make a home.

http://www.pigeontoeceramics.com/shop/category/around-the-house/

there are several little pots (mostly for succulents or house plants) that i am lusting over. little ceramic creamer pots, that i will never need, but have an urge to buy for our home in boston.
during my ride, and on the dreadful drive home from jenkins, it was apparent to me why i felt so nauseous about raking up all the awful memories our past held: i would have never dreamed of a love like this. i would have never imagined that my heart could ache for one specific soul like mine does for yours, but in the most painless of ways. i wish that i could change the past, and i wish that i could be the perfect shining gem that you deserve- be it now or even in times gone. but you were right when you said that i am doing my own thing, following my own heart and unique desires; striving for lungs full of light and a stable mentality. you were right. i'm incredibly thankful that despite the fog that lays over me, and despite my lack of perfection, that you promise every moment of your time to me. i'm thankful that as much as i know my heart is yours, yours is mine.

i apologize in advance for my annoyance

i don't feel like myself today. i woke up sick and unhappily nervous because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed the night before. i wasn't hungry or thirsty, and at this point- i wasn't even sleepy anymore. i was just miserable. i had to work at 10:30 in the morning, and after getting home at 5am, i was not happy to do so. surprisingly, work flew by and i made decent tips. i kept a generally good attitude about the store and even the shitty things that would happen. even thinking about how next week i wont work with bailey, i didn't get upset about it (as hard as it is). i took a good nap after work, i haven't eaten at all today which may be part of why i feel so upset, but i do not feel myself at all.
even my room feels weird, it's too lived in and not enough calm. i feel distant from every single person, like i can't explain what i'm feeling well enough to anyone. instead of wanting to fix it, i just want to go away and be by myself. disconnect myself even further, i suppose. it sucks to feel this way, i hate always being an emotional burden, but i can't ever fake my emotions. even pulling out of your driveway today, i almost cried but i just bit my lip and drove off instead because you said i wasn't myself and it's true that i'm not. you told me to sleep and you haven't talked to me since i left you which is neat and makes me feel even better. there are a million and one things i have thought of saying, but haven't ever let myself because i don't ever want to be a burden. i don't even feel comfortable typing it all out (even though only like three people every look at this) because i hate being this way, always having problems. being negative~ because that's what my parents think about me; i'm always negative. i come home to spend time with them and they just sit on their computers or sleep. for instance, today i got out of the shower and went to hang out with them and my mom laid her head down right when i walked in the room, acted like she was asleep until i left, then she got up and did stuff when i came back to my room. it's a wonderful feeling, this disconnection, lump in your throat, guess i'll ride my bike alone tonight, feeling. i'm not even hungry really. i just want to go away or i'm ready for it to be tomorrow.

this doesn't even halfway explain what's going through my head, but it'll do.

this too should pass

i think that i have forgotten how to be alone. i wrote bailey a note today about how to be mindful and how to be alone, and actively stored everything i wrote down into my brain to remember for myself. i tried to keep my phone in my backpack on the drive home, and i tried not to think about anything. just told myself to drive home and enjoy the present now, but within two seconds of trying to accept it, (for the first time in 5 weeks) I pulled my fingers up to my lips and almost chewed my nails off.
in my online class we are talking about anxiety. we are required to comment on other students' posts, and two people have already replied to my response in ways to help my anxiety. i remember for a few days i didnt have anxiety at all. it was the most light feeling and even when i would think about things that would generally make me anxious, i almost sighed in relief because i had no negative energy from it. i'm unsure as to where that went, but my anxiety shoots through the roof when i am alone. my brain runs on full blast, and i can't let myself think almost?
there has to be a way to fix it without some psychological doctor giving me a label and permanently getting in my head with their medication. maybe i just need to force myself to go do things by myself. i used to be so good at it, i don't know what happened. but here i am in an empty house and only 30 minutes have gone by and i'm nervously wanting to ask everyone where they are. i haven't let myself yet, but this too shall pass, right?