in finding yourself

this morning i woke up and pretended for myself and my parents to be the most well-rested individual. i jumped out of bed and washed my face, and thanked God that today was going to be beautiful. my parents hoovered over me while i made my morning coffee, and thinking back, i'm not very sure what we talked about because i was so into trying to prove that i wasn't tired. when i got into my car heading to school, i realized that my eyes were heavy.

the four hours of sleep i was living on today was worth it, though. technically, i slept more than that if you count the hours i spent sleeping on tyler's chest while he couldn't sleep. it's the most natural feeling to be near him. everyday something comes and proves that he's my soul mate, honestly. a help mate.

there's so much that i should be doing right now. i have test upon test upon studying that i should be doing. but my spirit, body, mind cleanse part of my brain suggested i turn on a good pandora radio and make myself a vegetarian dinner. if you're curious, i made myself rosemary potatoes and ate some black beans. i set up a healthy and comforting area to sit here and write it all down in hopes of maintaining this steady mindset. there is often times a strange sort of freedom to be found in being alone. maybe it's something about knowing there's no one to be seen or heard by. it's a completely controlled environment that i used to be so immune to.

i saw something today about 'losing yourself', sort of in the sense of there being freedom in losing yourself. where that idea is sort of romantic, you know, not really controlling your actions and just sort of drifting along with no guidance; a place where i think i used to reside. where i'm finding myself again, i'm also finding where i am not. i'm not the one who had lost herself in her bedroom with her chillum bowl and a good bag of bud. i'm not the one who would go to shows and smoke cigarettes while stoned and ignoring everyone around me. i'm the one who tries to hold it all together - 25-30 hour work weeks, 15 hour school load, being a wife to be, a daughter, a sister, a friend. i'm the one who finds friends in strangers. the one who tries to shed a little love to even the window covered in condensation. maybe i'm a love maker, a tea advocate, coffee drinker. whatever i am, or whatever is becoming of me, there's peace in knowing that i'm doing what is best for myself in my entirety.

finding yourself is discovering not only the things that define you're natural body, spirit, and mind, but it's finding what you are not. anymore.