aletheia

it's funny how things work out. i came here to write about loneliness and the inevitable search for self-worth, and as i log in, tyler had logged into his account that was unknown to me. he wrote it days after we began dating, writing about his love for me, and how i make him want to continually strive to be better.

"Of all the thoughts and ideas that shape me, love is what most passionately controls who I am. Over the last four or five years of my life I have known it for what it is, but the stars haven't been right for it to truly begin until now. Now nature has given her ultimate blessing and I am happy for it. More than just a feeling of contentment, it is an emotion that pushes me to better myself. Spiritually. Physically. Mentally. All I want to do is progress, and it is that feeling that makes it true. Love is something that brings you ceaseless joy but also pushes you to look upon yourself with a loving and introspective eye."

it's hard being here without him. i have to learn to sleep by myself again. i have to learn to go places and not call him. still to this day, and this is day five, i pick up my phone and try to call him. i miss him so much, and it sounds so pathetic to me. i have never been this dependent upon anyone - not even my parents really. but conversations are less interesting. days are ten times longer, god the days are so long. i wish that i could sleep for a solid week, and wake up to pick him up on saturday. it's sad, and it's pathetic, but i don't really care.

it's more than a dependence at this point. it's something i crave, and our relationship is something i think improves my all over demeanor. he brings to the table what i crave to learn and hear; he is what stimulates me. even the seemingly mindless banter back and forth, i miss it. hearing myself type this, i act like it's been months since i've seen him, but we dont go more than ten hours (while sleeping) without seeing each other. he's always beside me, he's always there for me to confide in. those consoling arms that i'm spoiled to.

everyone is leaving this week. mariah left days ago to see miguel, and she's out of reach. i call her, and text her, not really expecting a reply, i suppose, but it just feels like she's so far away. charlotte is in australia, tyler is in africa, kelsey is leaving for africa in four days. i'm teaching myself how to be alone again. fortunately, i have my siblings, i have bailey. i have tylers roommates who text me.

i look at "aletheia" and all i can do is cry because i know how much thought he put into the whole thing. i am sitting here, eyes full of tears, partly because i miss him, and partly because of the love i have for him. the ever-flourishing love that i have for him. it's sickening to know i still have a week without him, no contact.

aletheia.

who am i to deserve such a love? i will always see him as this gem that no one can touch. like in the museums when the special artifacts are roped off and put into glass boxes, that is him. he's untouchable, and he's special. he's rare, and he's perfect in even his imperfections which are none to me. i cannot think of one thing about him that i do not appreciate. not a single thing. i feel so blessed to call him mine. i get to marry him even. he asked me, this dirty, weird and tiny little being of a girl to spend his life with him. i will never understand why he loves me this much. crying again thinking about how much i know he loves me. i don't get it. but he is what i need. he's what i've always wanted.

everything is different while he's in africa. it's probably good for me, for both of us. i wouldn't wish him back here immediately for the world. i know this is what he wants, and it's what i want for him. aside from his passion for loving me, he's spectacular at loving everyone else too. the ones that need him most. i just miss him a lot.