no title fits this

It feels funny to sit backwards in your bed.

I was out of my house for the first time in forever today.

God, it felt so good to go somewhere.

never ending

There aren't any feminine winter clothes.

They're all so thick and heavy. I cut the necks of t-shirts so I feel better about wearing them.

I hate t-shirts.

I wear this Earthbound shirt more than anything else, it seems like.

I'm okay with winter until I remember summer. spring. fall, even.

feeling light and showing skin.

wearing jeans because you want to, not because they're warmer than wearing a skirt.

i always have to leave my house wearing shoes now.

i have to be okay with winter.

Oklahoma's expecting snow again tonight.

I have to learn to appreciate it or winter will seem even longer.

ignore this

I always see a light.

I have a conscience and sometimes I just wish I could be bitch and not care.

Why do I have to apologize?

I don't care if you're done with her. Stop apologizing to me. It doesn't matter anymore.

College makes me nervous and I don't want to think about scholarships. I have to. My dad thinks, and has already decided that the first two years of college, I'm going to o-trip. But when I told my mom about applying to SCAD and how I'm supposed to send in references, she told me that as much as she hates to think about me leaving, she thinks that I'd love it.

Thank you for some reassurance. For making me feel less guilty about wanting to leave Oklahoma for more opportunities. OU, as much as you want me to believe, does NOT have the same perks as an arts school.

I want to kiss someone. To love someone and be loved.

fdajklf;jdkag;jkal;fjkdla;fjkdal

where did all of my bracelets go? i miss summer and painting on the basketball court. under the tree. using my bike as my transportation. picnics. i miss staying up late, alone, and not waking up early. sleepovers. i miss sleepovers. cold coffee and driving with mariah listening to music. i miss adventuring with brooke and amee after a spontaneous sleepover.

i hate facebook, i don't want your drama.

i want to read and never look up.

i don't want a cellphone. i want to be free and let go of everything.

i miss chorale. honestly.

i want to meet writers in georgia. i want to drink out of huge cups with coffee in them. where did that go? two months ago. where did that go.

give me something good.

scad college, savannah, georgia

God, please.

I want to go to SCAD so bad.

I never really considered it for myself, but I researched everything today because application was free. The writing program?

You get internships with magazines, publishing houses and newspapers. Careers after graduation? Blogger, editor, freelance writer..

PLEASE, God.

If I've done anything right in your eyes, let them accept me and let the government give me financial aide.

Please.

tracing

First editing job today.

I edited an application for a friend of mine, Gracie, also the leader of the bible study Kelsey and I used to go to. She's trying to get into Medical Humanities at OU.

I have complete faith in her getting in. She has the purest heart I've known. She can say more about her love for God and her love and compassion for others by not saying a word. Her presence in a room gives the whole area a glow and a sense of security. There's something about her that you can't help but notice. Her essays in her application reinforced all of that, only put it more beautifully in her own words.

I used to dream of being an editor. There was a point in my life where all I wanted to do was sit down and read a book. I would get completely lost in the worlds of romance where everything was perfect, women flew alone to foreign countries leaving their husbands to cheat on them. I loved getting to the point where I could almost predict the characters. Getting to the end of the book and you're so full you could cry. I never wanted to leave that and I thought the only real dream, besides becoming a professional reader, would be to become an editor. Think about it. I'd always be reading and I could always be thinking and using my English brain. It would be perfect. I'm still not sure if that's what I want to do or not. I can see myself doing that before I'd become an english teacher. I hate speaking, I think I've said that before. I'm awful at it. I get nervous, embarrassed, and I forget my train of thought. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

Today, numerous times, the whole concept of "you have to lose something to realize who you are" came up and was brought to my attention. Talking to Melanie and telling Mariah about how I honestly think that the end of Collin and I's relationship was more of a blessing than the 10 months we had together. I talked to him today about normal things, sort of. Begun with a "hi" from his end. I'll probably end up being his friend, like I do everyone.

I will always forgive you.

As much as I say I don't want to surround myself with someone like him, I'll probably be nice enough to smile at him in the halls or something. It's too much energy to keep having negative thoughts about the whole situation. Negative thoughts toward him. A part of me is even thankful for the whole situation. I don't for a second wish that he hadn't ever been a part of my life. This whole scenario taught me so much about relationships, high school, and myself that I'm glad it happened. It's worth the extensive repair it took to mend my aching body. The body that was curled into a ball in tears. Aching. I'm glad it happened.

When I was at Charlotte's this past week, I got to her house and after the normal, never-ending hug with Charlotte, her mom hugged me. She told me that just knowing I was coming brightened her whole day and that my arrival made her happier. She was really glowing. :)

That meant so much.

We were sitting in the kitchen talking, the three of us, and Patty asked if I were happier. If the whole break up had settled in and if I was okay with it. I explained to her about my journey through the whole thing. About how I know myself better now than I did while I was involved with him. She told me that she noticed I had overcome it. She said I was back to my normal, happy and genuine self.

It means SO much for people to notice.

Just notice, just tell me.

It feels so good to feel so strong.

So sturdy alone.

As much as I feel that I'm supposed to be alone right now, I honestly think there's someone for me. Waiting to love and be loved. We can write in coffee shops together and share interests and opinions on our favorite authors. Something new. Something that doesn't make my stomach hurt to consider. It's too much to think about everything that used to be. I just want to be alone right now, you know? I need to be alone to figure out for sure who I am. Who I was created to be. Respect that and please stop inching towards the line of love.

I could throw up.

I know what I want, and I need to be a free spirit. Need.

I don't want to follow in the footsteps we made forever ago. We need to stop crawling behind the things we're familiar with. More than anything, I want to run to some foreign place. I want to take off running, no looking back. God, I want something new.

Tonight:

Kendall proposed the idea of free writing about things that make us laugh. About different things, and share them with each other every week or so.

THANK YOU GOD for sending me a friend. He's such a blessing in every sense of the word. I'm so grateful for his perspective and everything he says to me.

Don't want to lose him to life's inevitable flow of things.

Most times I wish I didn't have a phone.

stuck.

deleting people from your facebook is so liberating.

I went through pages and pages, clicking the little x confirming "remove this connection?".

YES.

a million times yes.

No question.

Last night I dreamt that I was climbing in the mountains with Brooke, some other people and Joseph McClure? After a certain amount of climbing, we would have to eat to maintain our health. We got to this little shack, way up in the mountains, yet still surrounded by mountains. Not just sky. Inside, there was a little printer that Joseph was printing pictures. Brooke was cutting a picture of herself out.

I don't get it.

Now I'm stuck at home alone, miserable. Earlier I was in tears, rolled up into a ball trying to make the pain go away. My mom drugged me and I passed out for a few hours. The pain's still there, but just not as strong.

I miss Kelsey and Marisa. I miss bible study.

I miss Mariah.

I miss Charlotte and I just saw her a few days ago.

I don't miss school. Don't miss the people.

I just miss the ones close to me.

zooey deschanel

She is BEAUTIFUL.

this oneeeeeeee ^

more than just a road trip

Did I tell you about my trip to Westville? Driving alone for 3 hours?

I loved every second of it. It felt like an hour, tops. Maybe even that. I loved not feeling obligated to respond to messages, not having to really converse with anyone.

I loved it.

I drove my moms car, which is like mine only 4 years older.

I finally got to Charlotte's and we spent that night decorating her tree. Playing word games with her parents and our friend Kaitlin. Her mom made us hot cider and hot cocoa. We all sat on the floor, drinking out of little tea cups.

Charlotte and I drove to Eureka Springs - the most beautiful drive through the rocky hills of Arkansas. We went in all of the silly little hippie shops, talked about how the guy who owned Granny's Place had just lit up. But who are we to judge?

Really.

That night, Kaitlin came over again and we had a bonfire. We sat around with her parents and made smores, played word games again, and her parents went to bed. Their light went out. We kept going. We laughed so much, and Charlotte was zoned in on the fire. We sat indian style and it felt so nice to close your eyes and rock back and forth. It was so funny when we realized what we were doing. I kept laughing. I couldn't stop. We laid down on the dirty, grassy ground and when I opened my eyes, the fire was right in front of me. Dancing. We went inside and had to sneak up to her room to change, then snuck back down to watch Pineapple Express. The scenes are so long, did anyone else notice?

"I'm not here.

I'm really not here."

Falling asleep, we went up to Charlotte's room. Charlotte and I slept in her bed, I was next to the window like always. They washed their faces, did their normal nightly routine and I just laid there. Kaitlin slept on the air mattress that we had pushed under the bed the night before, in anticipation for this night.

The next day, we were nearly forced to go to a birthday get together for Charlotte's ex-boyfriend. Why not be a little absent? We stood in the cold by her garage, sat on her porch. It was such a pretty day. About 60 degrees at 11:30.

Who would've thought I'd be sitting snowed in two days later.

Wednesday came around and it was time to leave. Lunch with my grandmother and papaw, and I was back on the road.

Hit home around 5.

It's so good to be back.

I got home, went to my room and filled my empty book.

birds, beasts and flowers

blizzard?

It's covered our whole town, trapped most people, and changed Christmas plans of so many people. But hey, Mother Nature, thank you for a white Christmas. Everyone on the news is complaining about how "this isn't what we wanted", please shut your mouth and be grateful.

It's Christmas. At least you're breathing, little weather dude.

It's been a cozy day. All day.

There was a package at my door.

I never get personalized packages.

It was propped in between my red, wooden door and the screen door that always snaps closed. My mom had gone out to take a picture and send it to her mom, when she found the box. She announced that it was for me.

What?

Since there was snow layered on it, I had to open it over the sink. It took forever for me to cut it open, it seemed. When I finally get to the inside, I had to take off numerous advertisements and worthless sheets of paper to reveal the book I wanted to steal from The Stacks - Birds, Beasts and Flowers! by D.H. Lawrence.

I held it to me, looked to my mom and asked who got it for me. She had no idea, of course. I just looked at it as she flipped through all of the papers I avoided and finally found the receipt. "Sold to:

Tyler Freeman"

My mom cried. I just stood there covering my mouth.

He remembered.

I called Mariah because she was the one who read nearly all of the poems out of the book that night.

I texted Tyler.

"Merry Christmas :)"

rivers of babylon

This is the 30 minutes of free time I had today. I kept running and doing, because I'm leaving to see my bestfriend tomorrow afternoon. Driving alone for four hours or less. Depending on how fast I end up driving.

I'm ready, so ready. Just not... packed. I hate packing, it's like I need a personal motivator to stand there and say, "You wear the same things everyday. Just put those things in a bag." Which is basically what Mariah was tonight.

I always miss her, can't ever get enough. I don't know what we'll do when ever we move away to different colleges. I'm staying here my first two years, but obviously, I'm leaving sometime. We all have to get out at some point. She's currently debating whether to go to college or stay here for a year. Leaving for college is in 6 months. I'm ready to graduate, ready to not see any of the people at my school ever again, but Mariah? She's one of very few I need to stay.

I've been blessed with some of the most incredible people. People who bring out the best in me, and I try to keep myself close. I put effort into it, and try to make it work. It's going to be tough being so distant. Across the country, maybe. People do it. But not being able to come over after a phone call? No more spontaneous oatmeal?

I'm not ready for that.

never forget

Kendall Watson, thank you for setting yourself apart.

collections from our conversations; of course I've been keeping them.

"its situations like him that make us appreciate true happiness when we find it.

its because of them we know what we hope for and notice when it arrives.
everything happens for a reason casey.
i am sorry.
its never easy accepting someone's feelings when you thought they were somewhere else
but in life, we can only grow. through obstacles, true friends arise.
i promise.

you break down because life is umpredictable
it wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt

dont lose faith in your feelings
they know you better than anyone

innocence fades with age.
We tend to call it growing up.

It is Life's cruelist joke on man, to convince him being pure is something looked down upon. It has been forged to look pathetic and weak for someone who remembers not only what, but why they were taught the things they were as a child.

If you look past appearance, past the "in" crowd, much like a person, you'll find a true heart in their mind.
Too easily are our friends and peers influenced by what we've come to see as a system of life-management brought on by what we watch and buy.

Even to this day, almost everyone still has that innocence. Only judgement holds it back.

Only care for someone's thoughts if they can truely benefit you.
As for the rest, like Bob Marley's comparison of music and love, shut out their judgement till they can do the same for their own peace.

Casey,
You do some much more than you realize.
You continually prove to me that we have a say in who we are.

You set up a belief for me that what I'm doing in my life right now is not alienation or isolation, but truely becoming who i want to be.
You show me that it is possible to be an individual in a world conformity.

Ever since i was a kid, i loved to listen. I would watch almost every scenario and puzzle-piece who and what i longed to become.
I love to reach out and help because i know the power simply listening to someone can have.

Don't ever question what you have to say about your heart in the world.
I'm not some giant or example of perfection, im the friend you found in 8th grade history class.
I always will be.
Me and you talking again is no different than our friendship before aside from us having more experiences to share between us.

You write from your soul and it is beauty.
I will gladly tell you that anytime you need to hear it.

I love the irony of this world, unexpected people have unexpected impacts.
Its almost God's way of keeping us on our toes.

You have a beautiful mind and soul Casey. One I doubt I will forget.
And with the gift of sharing that beauty comes in return thoughts and prayers for you.

You will most likely openly disagree with me,
but you are one the strongest people i know Casey.
I have such an utmost respect for you and heart.
You're a beautiful person and nothing can seem to tamper with that.
So many things are thrown your way in hope of discouragement, and you perservere through it to only become more loving in the end.
You've gotten to where you start to amaze me."

blue suede shoes

it looks good to see smiling faces when you know they're genuine.

there are some people who always look like that. what's it take?

it's so cold, and I just can't take it.

It was 19 degrees this morning. Did anyone else feel it? It's painfully cold. My teeth hurt, and my gums are chilled. The tips of my fingers are little cherries for a decent amount of time until they thaw out.

I should be studying, but sometimes my hands just have to write.

They have to explain the time that Mariah and I spent in the stacks last night at the OU library. It was quiet, and we sat on the floor of glass, in between shelves full of books, and read poetry together.

D H Lawrence, to be exact. He's the one we were both stuck on.

"Her father was not a coherent human being, he was a room full of echoes."

It's so hard not to just stick the old, age stained pages into your bag. My conscience always gets in the way. I have one of the worst, I think.

Maybe not.

Sometimes I can do things that don't even phase me.

Yet sometimes they're stuck to my heart and I can't even rest because my head is pounding, heart is screaming. Last night, I had a time like this and I texted Collin to apologize for everything I said to him on Thursday. Fell asleep immediately after I sent the message. I woke up this morning 10 minutes after he had texted me a huge message in response. Maybe that's why I had the dream of my mother and I shouting and yelling at each other. The reason that in my dream, my phone burst into flames. Turned into a huge block of coals. John Wayne Gacy Jr. was playing in the background - I woke up singing it.

Has anyone heard that song? By Sufjan Stevens? It's about a rapist clown named Pogo.

Such an odd way to wake up. Just 15 minutes before my alarm went off.

Don't want to face it.

This morning, I talked to my AP English teacher that I had for about a week earlier this year, about getting back into his class. I've complained about him before, don't worry.

I feel as if I'm wasting my knowledge coloring pictures and holding hands with my current English teacher as we read Hamlet.

Reading Demian over the break. Either that or Awakening.

Or both.

We'll see.

keep close

woven string,

our hearts

connected in patterns

unknowingly attached.

push and pull, we're there.

together, we're here.

fully functioning,

a part of each other.

mmm

"You're a writer -

writers write."

- Mariah

comfortable; don't ruin it

on shuffle, my ipod just plays.

Regina Spektor.

God puts people in your life for a reason - I'm a firm believer.

Even though I get impatient most times, you still mean so much to me. You are my tiny test of patience wrapped up in the smallest package. Cute little bow on top. It meant so much when you hesitated to tell me everything. I told you it was making my stomach turn into knots, and you looked at me, wiped a tear, and put into words what I wasted my time on. I wasn't even sad at first. I'm still not sad. I just was in complete awe - I had nothing to say at all. When he was texting me, trying to tell me I was the annoyance in this situation, I threw my phone at the wall and started crying. I can't always be so strong, it gets so hard. I can't help but to let go, exhale and let it all out. Let it out through my paint brush covered in bleach. My whole room smelled so bad. It hurt to open my eyes, and my headache kept growing. Fill it with sand. Throw it on the stack of wood outside. This can't harm me, it's just a test.

I look forward to the messages between us. It's more than just conversation, we're growing. Just like you said - we're growing.

and thats the part of you wanting to see the good in the world.

youre not weak for wanting love

love is the one thing everything can come down to

some people are either too immature or insensitive to realize that.

you break down because life is umpredictable

it wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt

dont lose faith in your feelings

they know you better than anyone

God, thank you for Kendall. He has all the right things to say, and I pray that he knows how thankful I am. There needs to be more people in the world like him.

My ring finger isn't naked. I don't wear the ring for just purity reasons. It's a constant reminder of my values. A reminder that I tend to let people in too easily. I let them in close, not realizing what I'm getting myself into until I'm completely abandoned, laying lifeless.

Actually, never lifeless, more alive than ever. Feeling more and expressing more than I normally would. I've missed this feeling of knowing where I am. You have to know where you're at before you can grow. Eventually, your weak foundation will just crumble down. I'm tired of having to prove this to myself over and over again.

Joe Purdy

It was so comfortable tonight, sitting next to you in the library. I've never noticed how quiet libraries are. Not until you pointed out the fact that I was shouting. I have some inability to whisper. I don't know what it is. I've always sort of liked the idea of whispering. It's intimate and the way everything sounds seems so elegant.

It takes so much energy to whisper.

It takes so much energy to get in the shower - the reason why you scooted your chair a few inches away from mine.

I've missed being your friend. I've missed our conversations about nothing, or everything at all. Most times at the same time. You think so much, but it's one of the reasons I enjoy talking to you. You're a prodigy, so stop denying it, organic chemist.

Regina Spektor again.

What is ever going on in her mind?

I made it home safely to my little hermit shell. Showered with grapefruit and lemongrass. Do you ever feel like you can't get clean enough? I washed my hair about three times, I think. It kept feeling the same. When I finally got clean, I just didn't want to put on anything that would ruin it.

poiuytsf

I can't wait to get out of this school.

to never see anyone every again. I don't want to deal with your drama, really don't.

Stop smirking at me, knowing you had sex with my ex boyfriend the day after we broke up. Don't tell me that you didn't do it. You were always so good at lying to me. Too good.

Do you know what a statement that is? To have sex with her less than 24 hours after breaking up with me? It proves more about your awful character.

I didn't even want to be with you, you know. I was finally content with being alone. I didn't need anyone, didn't care about anything. Then you step in and want to talk to me? Want me to fall in love with you so quickly? Thanks a lot for putting on that stupid face of yours. The front that I thought was all you.

God, it makes me sick to remember everything you said to me. Everything we did together? Do you even realize what I gave to you? You don't. What am I thinking.

I'm just a piece of meat.

Use me, pretend to care, then throw me on the ground.

Flat on my face.

5 months until graduation and I'm MORE than ready.

I need a break.

naive

thank you for extended due dates

for basically only one final to worry about right now.

for bonus questions

the annoying people at o-trip who finally got me enrolled

acoustic songs, that are so much better than the original versions

for my car and the fact that it heats up so quickly.

my unending supply of tea,

lotion

and for my cooperative dirty hair.

for a night off.

I have no idea where my phone is.

The discovery channel introduces me to the weirdest sea animals. :)

Did you see the sunset? The whole sky was gray, with accents of purple, mostly pink. The sun's golden color was shining so brightly through the clouds. I meant to tell you, but I have no idea where my phone is.

Today has been the first day in quite some time where I caught myself trying to relax. I've been pretty easy lately. I had to keep reminding myself that it's okay to be claustrophobic. You don't always have to wear your seatbelt. Him yelling at you because he misplaced something isn't that big of a deal. You're in control of your emotions. Breathe easy.

54.

I still have to read.

I wonder how long it's been since that day in the huge metal building. We all sat around a little table and laughed at how he sang all of the wrong words. There was a dragon on the end of the hose. His little brother covered his mouth with his Celtic hoodie and rode around on his skateboard. One of his friends kept telling me I had swine, I didn't believe him. It was just a cough. Sorry about giving it to you. We all had to share the little dragon. Such a weird dragon. I didn't think anything about it. I actually thought about it too much, but I enjoyed it. I always do. That's why I didn't stop. I just drank his water. Downed it, I was so thirsty.

Today Dylan drew my encouraging message on my hand. I had nothing. He grabbed my hand and drew a little smily face in my green pen. Black pupils. He wants a bracelet.

Most times I can't wait to get out of high school. I'm sick of seeing everyone, and knowing everyone. Having some sort of ties with every single person. They were in my choir two years ago, she always drives behind me after lunch. Remember that day she almost hit me with her huge black car? I'm done. I'm just done. Waiting six more months. But then it's people like Dylan that make me thankful for high school. I wouldn't even know him if it weren't for North. He's such a good person to know.

keep yourself together

I've been so confused all day.

Do I wake up ? no, keep sleeping. Go to class? Go get coffee. Should I believe her? I have no idea. Would he do that? I have no. idea.

Multiple reasons, several distractions, but I finally got a clear and obvious sign.

Like I've said before, I never get anything out of my church services. I draw on paper that's in front of me, find different scriptures, whatever I can do.

But tonight was different. He was speaking right at me, and he had no idea.

He talked about how people can be so judgmental and find interest in the wrong person because of their outward appearance. We accept and justify their true self because we like the way they appear on the outside.

So true in so many instances.

I was catching little pieces of this until I heard him say,

"Don't give your heart to someone who is undeserving."

I'm so so guilty to letting anyone and everyone in. I give every little part of my heart to them. Every emotion, every action. I give it all away so easily, and I don't even consider the consequences because I'm also guilty of living in the moment. Another story in itself.

Jake gave us a scripture, 1 Corinthians 5:...something.

He explained that they don't care - the people we let in so easily. They don't understand what you're really giving them and what it means to you. They can't fully respect it unless they feel the same way.

Stab in the chest.

They don't care about your past, in all honesty. Your present ? Your future? they'll never understand. They don't care. They just crumble it up, throw it away. It means nothing.

Everything I gave? Nothing. Got nothing in return. Was completely blind.

Another stab in the chest.

All of this hurts so bad. As much as I don't want to be bitter, and I want to be understanding? I don't understand. I really can't comprehend it. I do think that he'll be better with her. They're on the same level, and I could never accept it. I get it now. I'm better off.

Realizing all of this anger I have secretly built up, Jake pulls up another scripture.

Luke 6:37, forgive and you shall be forgiven.

So weak, I grab my shirt and try to hold back tears. I shake my head and my lips quiver. My chin hits my chest, and Maisi laughs because she knows exactly what I'm doing.

I have to forgive him.

Everyone lies, right? Everyone makes mistakes. The wound is still open, but it's healing. Time heals. I have to keep myself together. Have to have faith in the ones I'm close to. I'm too trusting. I can't let myself be thrown around. I'm worth more than that. There's so much more that I don't know how to say.

grapefruit and lemongrass

up and down.

stay lifted, drawn up by a tiny string.

keep reeling me in.

one glimpse, a little phrase, and i come spinning down.

slowly; easily.

so gentle.

head in my hands

i pray for something.

i need some strength.

keep me in your hands

wrapped tight, just hold me.

i thought i was through it. I still know its the right thing.

I have to know. Somewhere you've got this master plan that I'm completely oblivious to.

I wish to know it. Yet I don't want to know. Not yet. I'm still growing.

That's why I'm alone. You're testing me.

Still being tempted.

We just can't talk, yanno? It's too easy for you. So easy. You seem so light.

sumi, you mean so much.

thank you for having so much faith in me.

drifting near me, bumping into the glass, satellite can feel it. she's beautiful.

not too recently, i've developed an infatuation with butterflies. I didn't think anything of it until it was becoming more and more obvious that I was surrounded by them. Close to the beginning of November, I found a picture of all of these insects - butterflies, mostly. I put it as my wallpaper where I could always see it. I found a butterfly against my dad's bumper. Just laying there perfectly, bright yellow. I've kept it for about two months now. This week my house cleaner came, but left some bottle - a cleaning supply, I assume? with a butterfly on the front. Just sitting on my empty cabinets. Standing out, I always notice it. I haven't moved it. Brooke always brings me magazine pages that she's found with butterflies all over them. I finally took the hint and looked up the significance of them.

"...symbolizes change and new life."

There's the sign I've been praying for.

Isaiah 43.

don't ever forget.