it's midnight

there comes a point, seemingly in my life-far too often, that you just have to break down and recognize that even when you audibly tell yourself you're strong. or when you remind yourself that you are natural and beautiful while you're standing, sobbing in the shower by yourself, you have to recognize that you really annoy do it on your own. I've been blessed with a wonderful helpmate, truly. I often seek way too much affection in hopes to physically feel desired, or in hopes to make myself feel worth something more than the bag of tears I have. Yet I've been blessed with a real man who knows that sometimes I just need to be told that it's unrealistic for me to tell myself (mentally) all of the awful negative things I feel my spirit throughout the day. Sometimes when I step back and remember us laying in bed together, me crying and searching for a response, I realize that him listening and holding me is more consultation than I ever expected. It's after these realizations that a woman has to take control of her body. I've been focusing on this for awhile now, but it's a consuming prifect bigger than mental encouragements as you're driving to school. You won't really see a true turn around until you mentally commit to changing your perspective. When you openly tell yourself that things are going to be different. When you tie down your emotions and tell yourself that your heart is in charge and your boy follows. Your emotions are something that make a woman unique, and they aren't all powerfully consuming like mine had become. Become. It's a process, but finding my own feet and recognizing my own uniqueness is something I'm still learning. Not only bringing the idea to mind, but learning to accept it myself. Which is something I never thought I would have an issue in overcoming.

in finding yourself

this morning i woke up and pretended for myself and my parents to be the most well-rested individual. i jumped out of bed and washed my face, and thanked God that today was going to be beautiful. my parents hoovered over me while i made my morning coffee, and thinking back, i'm not very sure what we talked about because i was so into trying to prove that i wasn't tired. when i got into my car heading to school, i realized that my eyes were heavy.

the four hours of sleep i was living on today was worth it, though. technically, i slept more than that if you count the hours i spent sleeping on tyler's chest while he couldn't sleep. it's the most natural feeling to be near him. everyday something comes and proves that he's my soul mate, honestly. a help mate.

there's so much that i should be doing right now. i have test upon test upon studying that i should be doing. but my spirit, body, mind cleanse part of my brain suggested i turn on a good pandora radio and make myself a vegetarian dinner. if you're curious, i made myself rosemary potatoes and ate some black beans. i set up a healthy and comforting area to sit here and write it all down in hopes of maintaining this steady mindset. there is often times a strange sort of freedom to be found in being alone. maybe it's something about knowing there's no one to be seen or heard by. it's a completely controlled environment that i used to be so immune to.

i saw something today about 'losing yourself', sort of in the sense of there being freedom in losing yourself. where that idea is sort of romantic, you know, not really controlling your actions and just sort of drifting along with no guidance; a place where i think i used to reside. where i'm finding myself again, i'm also finding where i am not. i'm not the one who had lost herself in her bedroom with her chillum bowl and a good bag of bud. i'm not the one who would go to shows and smoke cigarettes while stoned and ignoring everyone around me. i'm the one who tries to hold it all together - 25-30 hour work weeks, 15 hour school load, being a wife to be, a daughter, a sister, a friend. i'm the one who finds friends in strangers. the one who tries to shed a little love to even the window covered in condensation. maybe i'm a love maker, a tea advocate, coffee drinker. whatever i am, or whatever is becoming of me, there's peace in knowing that i'm doing what is best for myself in my entirety.

finding yourself is discovering not only the things that define you're natural body, spirit, and mind, but it's finding what you are not. anymore.

humbling shavasana

i'm happy to say that this cleansing thing is really working out for me. spending less time attached to technology, being more conscious of my food intake, and spending more time in prayer/meditation/doing yoga. i can already tell a difference in myself. my posture has improved substantially and my overall demeanor is much nicer, even to myself. i feel less pathetic, less like i've lost complete control, and that's nice.

today was my first sunday off work since july, and i used this evening to go to hot yoga with dylan and his friend christina. upon entering i immediately knew it was going to be tough to endure 75 minutes of the 90 degree temperature. warming up, it honestly took my breath away at times, and i felt a little light headed. however, once you get deeper into the practice, you lose complete track of time. forgetting what time it is, where you are or even that you're mindfully breathing. it all comes naturally to you, being present and in the moment.

the instructor was so kind, and i really like the way he would word some of the stretches, like you were pushing away the walls of your life, all the boundaries your mind likes to keep you in. it's things like that that make my mind run in deep into myself for introspection. maybe not even that, but just sort of a release.

near the end of the session, he turned the lights way down low, and we all just laid there in shavasana. the instructor went around the room and spritzed us with jasmine something or rather. something with mint, because when it delicately fell onto your face, and you took your deep inhale, it was cooling. cleansing even. i was so lost in prayer at this moment. not praying, i wasn't really even saying words, not even thinking them, but there was that intimate feeling of connection like when you're hugging someone whom you haven't seen in months. all i could manage to mutter was "thank you".

it sounds cliche, but i felt so cleansed afterwards. i made a commitment to myself to make it my weekly obligation to go to this. if not for myself, for harvard. for tyler, for my future, and for the rest of my life.

the root of the root and the bud of the bud

alright.

this is going to be evening number one of actively taking over my body again. everything from my muscles to my nerves to my mind and spirit. regaining complete control, and not letting my environment control every ounce of me.

i came home sort of tipsy, a little bit. home to my parents who knew i was drinking (sipping rather) and this is the first time they've been around me while i've been openly intoxicated. i came home a chatter box, and sort of really sleepy.

yet i'm so ready to begin this detox type lifestyle to reclaim myself. i'm starting off with yoga tonight in my room, already planning the music i'm going to play and setting the lighting perfectly to relax, unwind, and collect every flowing thought into inner peace and calm spirit.

avocado and wasabi peas

just completed my first homework set for the semester. having all of this extra time will help me stay on top of my assignments, i believe. it's also nice that during these breaks, i have time to skype with kelsey.

i'm here from 9am - 8:30 this evening, with two breaks. one from 12-2:30 then the other from 3:50-6. All i brought for dinner was an avocado and some wasabi peas. i'm expecting to start my period on this day, because why wouldn't i.

everything is aligning and everything is still up in the air at the same time. it's all really exciting, and i'm growing more comfortable in everything once again. it's interesting to feel like you've got such a grasp on everything, then an email turns things around again. you can never be sure, and as much as i want to say that nothing exciting happens in my life, i'm always on my toes.

truly, i think i say this in each post, but i'm surrounded with some of the most beautiful people. it's wonderful, and all is well and right.

i'm awfully unhappy today.
i closed for the second time in a row last night. maybe it's because i'm so tired, or maybe it's lack of genuine social interaction. maybe it's lack of caffeine. maybe it's because tyler is still gone, and it's been a whole week. i've been decently strong, i think. decently. it's getting tougher though as days go on. you'd think it would get easier, but it still sucks. the days are so long.

this is just sad, and not really helping me feel better.
i miss you. i miss you a lot.

aletheia

it's funny how things work out. i came here to write about loneliness and the inevitable search for self-worth, and as i log in, tyler had logged into his account that was unknown to me. he wrote it days after we began dating, writing about his love for me, and how i make him want to continually strive to be better.

"Of all the thoughts and ideas that shape me, love is what most passionately controls who I am. Over the last four or five years of my life I have known it for what it is, but the stars haven't been right for it to truly begin until now. Now nature has given her ultimate blessing and I am happy for it. More than just a feeling of contentment, it is an emotion that pushes me to better myself. Spiritually. Physically. Mentally. All I want to do is progress, and it is that feeling that makes it true. Love is something that brings you ceaseless joy but also pushes you to look upon yourself with a loving and introspective eye."

it's hard being here without him. i have to learn to sleep by myself again. i have to learn to go places and not call him. still to this day, and this is day five, i pick up my phone and try to call him. i miss him so much, and it sounds so pathetic to me. i have never been this dependent upon anyone - not even my parents really. but conversations are less interesting. days are ten times longer, god the days are so long. i wish that i could sleep for a solid week, and wake up to pick him up on saturday. it's sad, and it's pathetic, but i don't really care.

it's more than a dependence at this point. it's something i crave, and our relationship is something i think improves my all over demeanor. he brings to the table what i crave to learn and hear; he is what stimulates me. even the seemingly mindless banter back and forth, i miss it. hearing myself type this, i act like it's been months since i've seen him, but we dont go more than ten hours (while sleeping) without seeing each other. he's always beside me, he's always there for me to confide in. those consoling arms that i'm spoiled to.

everyone is leaving this week. mariah left days ago to see miguel, and she's out of reach. i call her, and text her, not really expecting a reply, i suppose, but it just feels like she's so far away. charlotte is in australia, tyler is in africa, kelsey is leaving for africa in four days. i'm teaching myself how to be alone again. fortunately, i have my siblings, i have bailey. i have tylers roommates who text me.

i look at "aletheia" and all i can do is cry because i know how much thought he put into the whole thing. i am sitting here, eyes full of tears, partly because i miss him, and partly because of the love i have for him. the ever-flourishing love that i have for him. it's sickening to know i still have a week without him, no contact.

aletheia.

who am i to deserve such a love? i will always see him as this gem that no one can touch. like in the museums when the special artifacts are roped off and put into glass boxes, that is him. he's untouchable, and he's special. he's rare, and he's perfect in even his imperfections which are none to me. i cannot think of one thing about him that i do not appreciate. not a single thing. i feel so blessed to call him mine. i get to marry him even. he asked me, this dirty, weird and tiny little being of a girl to spend his life with him. i will never understand why he loves me this much. crying again thinking about how much i know he loves me. i don't get it. but he is what i need. he's what i've always wanted.

everything is different while he's in africa. it's probably good for me, for both of us. i wouldn't wish him back here immediately for the world. i know this is what he wants, and it's what i want for him. aside from his passion for loving me, he's spectacular at loving everyone else too. the ones that need him most. i just miss him a lot.