just completed my first homework set for the semester. having all of this extra time will help me stay on top of my assignments, i believe. it's also nice that during these breaks, i have time to skype with kelsey.
i'm here from 9am - 8:30 this evening, with two breaks. one from 12-2:30 then the other from 3:50-6. All i brought for dinner was an avocado and some wasabi peas. i'm expecting to start my period on this day, because why wouldn't i.
everything is aligning and everything is still up in the air at the same time. it's all really exciting, and i'm growing more comfortable in everything once again. it's interesting to feel like you've got such a grasp on everything, then an email turns things around again. you can never be sure, and as much as i want to say that nothing exciting happens in my life, i'm always on my toes.
truly, i think i say this in each post, but i'm surrounded with some of the most beautiful people. it's wonderful, and all is well and right.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
i'm awfully unhappy today.
i closed for the second time in a row last night. maybe it's because i'm so tired, or maybe it's lack of genuine social interaction. maybe it's lack of caffeine. maybe it's because tyler is still gone, and it's been a whole week. i've been decently strong, i think. decently. it's getting tougher though as days go on. you'd think it would get easier, but it still sucks. the days are so long.
this is just sad, and not really helping me feel better.
i miss you. i miss you a lot.
i closed for the second time in a row last night. maybe it's because i'm so tired, or maybe it's lack of genuine social interaction. maybe it's lack of caffeine. maybe it's because tyler is still gone, and it's been a whole week. i've been decently strong, i think. decently. it's getting tougher though as days go on. you'd think it would get easier, but it still sucks. the days are so long.
this is just sad, and not really helping me feel better.
i miss you. i miss you a lot.
Friday, January 6, 2012
aletheia
it's funny how things work out. i came here to write about loneliness and the inevitable search for self-worth, and as i log in, tyler had logged into his account that was unknown to me. he wrote it days after we began dating, writing about his love for me, and how i make him want to continually strive to be better.
it's hard being here without him. i have to learn to sleep by myself again. i have to learn to go places and not call him. still to this day, and this is day five, i pick up my phone and try to call him. i miss him so much, and it sounds so pathetic to me. i have never been this dependent upon anyone - not even my parents really. but conversations are less interesting. days are ten times longer, god the days are so long. i wish that i could sleep for a solid week, and wake up to pick him up on saturday. it's sad, and it's pathetic, but i don't really care.
it's more than a dependence at this point. it's something i crave, and our relationship is something i think improves my all over demeanor. he brings to the table what i crave to learn and hear; he is what stimulates me. even the seemingly mindless banter back and forth, i miss it. hearing myself type this, i act like it's been months since i've seen him, but we dont go more than ten hours (while sleeping) without seeing each other. he's always beside me, he's always there for me to confide in. those consoling arms that i'm spoiled to.
everyone is leaving this week. mariah left days ago to see miguel, and she's out of reach. i call her, and text her, not really expecting a reply, i suppose, but it just feels like she's so far away. charlotte is in australia, tyler is in africa, kelsey is leaving for africa in four days. i'm teaching myself how to be alone again. fortunately, i have my siblings, i have bailey. i have tylers roommates who text me.
i look at "aletheia" and all i can do is cry because i know how much thought he put into the whole thing. i am sitting here, eyes full of tears, partly because i miss him, and partly because of the love i have for him. the ever-flourishing love that i have for him. it's sickening to know i still have a week without him, no contact.
aletheia.
who am i to deserve such a love? i will always see him as this gem that no one can touch. like in the museums when the special artifacts are roped off and put into glass boxes, that is him. he's untouchable, and he's special. he's rare, and he's perfect in even his imperfections which are none to me. i cannot think of one thing about him that i do not appreciate. not a single thing. i feel so blessed to call him mine. i get to marry him even. he asked me, this dirty, weird and tiny little being of a girl to spend his life with him. i will never understand why he loves me this much. crying again thinking about how much i know he loves me. i don't get it. but he is what i need. he's what i've always wanted.
everything is different while he's in africa. it's probably good for me, for both of us. i wouldn't wish him back here immediately for the world. i know this is what he wants, and it's what i want for him. aside from his passion for loving me, he's spectacular at loving everyone else too. the ones that need him most. i just miss him a lot.
"Of all the thoughts and ideas that shape me, love is what most passionately controls who I am. Over the last four or five years of my life I have known it for what it is, but the stars haven't been right for it to truly begin until now. Now nature has given her ultimate blessing and I am happy for it. More than just a feeling of contentment, it is an emotion that pushes me to better myself. Spiritually. Physically. Mentally. All I want to do is progress, and it is that feeling that makes it true. Love is something that brings you ceaseless joy but also pushes you to look upon yourself with a loving and introspective eye."
it's hard being here without him. i have to learn to sleep by myself again. i have to learn to go places and not call him. still to this day, and this is day five, i pick up my phone and try to call him. i miss him so much, and it sounds so pathetic to me. i have never been this dependent upon anyone - not even my parents really. but conversations are less interesting. days are ten times longer, god the days are so long. i wish that i could sleep for a solid week, and wake up to pick him up on saturday. it's sad, and it's pathetic, but i don't really care.
it's more than a dependence at this point. it's something i crave, and our relationship is something i think improves my all over demeanor. he brings to the table what i crave to learn and hear; he is what stimulates me. even the seemingly mindless banter back and forth, i miss it. hearing myself type this, i act like it's been months since i've seen him, but we dont go more than ten hours (while sleeping) without seeing each other. he's always beside me, he's always there for me to confide in. those consoling arms that i'm spoiled to.
everyone is leaving this week. mariah left days ago to see miguel, and she's out of reach. i call her, and text her, not really expecting a reply, i suppose, but it just feels like she's so far away. charlotte is in australia, tyler is in africa, kelsey is leaving for africa in four days. i'm teaching myself how to be alone again. fortunately, i have my siblings, i have bailey. i have tylers roommates who text me.
i look at "aletheia" and all i can do is cry because i know how much thought he put into the whole thing. i am sitting here, eyes full of tears, partly because i miss him, and partly because of the love i have for him. the ever-flourishing love that i have for him. it's sickening to know i still have a week without him, no contact.
aletheia.
who am i to deserve such a love? i will always see him as this gem that no one can touch. like in the museums when the special artifacts are roped off and put into glass boxes, that is him. he's untouchable, and he's special. he's rare, and he's perfect in even his imperfections which are none to me. i cannot think of one thing about him that i do not appreciate. not a single thing. i feel so blessed to call him mine. i get to marry him even. he asked me, this dirty, weird and tiny little being of a girl to spend his life with him. i will never understand why he loves me this much. crying again thinking about how much i know he loves me. i don't get it. but he is what i need. he's what i've always wanted.
everything is different while he's in africa. it's probably good for me, for both of us. i wouldn't wish him back here immediately for the world. i know this is what he wants, and it's what i want for him. aside from his passion for loving me, he's spectacular at loving everyone else too. the ones that need him most. i just miss him a lot.
Monday, December 12, 2011
i hope all is well with you
i just wrote a few good things but deleted them to elaborate more tomorrow or some other time.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
nothing has to be bad
sometimes we get caught up in everyday struggles, and we let them get the best of us. or i do at least. it's natural to feel worried, to sometimes get sad. just like it's natural to sometimes feel exceptionally euphoric; it's natural.
but occasionally you have to step outside of yourself and realize that we are living for something so much bigger than two weeks worth of school struggles. honestly, we go through this every semester. we get behind or we feel stressed out, and remember how we always get through it? we always get through it. nothing has to be bad. running around occc campus can be fun when you're trying to find a calculator, because i was almost laughing at myself when i ran into my class and received my grade-determining test. i really just slumped into my chair, nearly whimsically, and threw my arms down beside me, unloading all the breath i was struggling to find while running. it was funny. i was in such a hurry, and was temporarily so stressed out over finding something i'm now trying to get rid of, waiting here at the cafe for the wonderful girl who lent it to me. i want to buy her coffee, but don't have my card/any money at all on me.
there are several different things running through my head that i want to write about, that i want to say, but not any gumption to write it all down. actually, the difficult part currently, is how to organize it. like seeing charlotte, lulu and sid this weekend. i want to talk about how nice it was to feel so connected with them even after being apart for so long.about how nice it was that sid helped tyler and i feel more confident in where we want to go in life. like if we are meant to go to boston, it'll all work out, it'll all be okay. he helped show us the best place to live, it was nice.
i don't know, really. i don't know what exactly i'm trying to say.
but not everything has to be bad.
but occasionally you have to step outside of yourself and realize that we are living for something so much bigger than two weeks worth of school struggles. honestly, we go through this every semester. we get behind or we feel stressed out, and remember how we always get through it? we always get through it. nothing has to be bad. running around occc campus can be fun when you're trying to find a calculator, because i was almost laughing at myself when i ran into my class and received my grade-determining test. i really just slumped into my chair, nearly whimsically, and threw my arms down beside me, unloading all the breath i was struggling to find while running. it was funny. i was in such a hurry, and was temporarily so stressed out over finding something i'm now trying to get rid of, waiting here at the cafe for the wonderful girl who lent it to me. i want to buy her coffee, but don't have my card/any money at all on me.
there are several different things running through my head that i want to write about, that i want to say, but not any gumption to write it all down. actually, the difficult part currently, is how to organize it. like seeing charlotte, lulu and sid this weekend. i want to talk about how nice it was to feel so connected with them even after being apart for so long.about how nice it was that sid helped tyler and i feel more confident in where we want to go in life. like if we are meant to go to boston, it'll all work out, it'll all be okay. he helped show us the best place to live, it was nice.
i don't know, really. i don't know what exactly i'm trying to say.
but not everything has to be bad.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
fall baby, always
fall is nice, and i try to shed a little light on everyone i deliver to because it feels so nice. everyone small talks about how they hate how cold it's getting, and i try to remind them that it's beautiful and they would've killed for this weather during the summer. the weather and the color of the trees is - god, it's seriously breathtaking.
i stand at the register at work, taking people's orders, and trying to run everything in and out of my ears fast to keep with the pace of the store, but my mind is always outside where the yellow leaves are blowing around. everyone looks beautiful in the fall. i know that i have to be glowing, because in the midst of every stressful thing, nature really screams that i am loved.
daily, i keep up with blogs of the ones closest to me. i have them tagged onto my home screen on my phone so i feel closer, and i become almost instantaneously happier. reading what everyone does in the morning, their conversations with the ones they love. reading what they think about during the day. i just want to be inside everyone's brain. i'm always curious, "what are you thinking?". i like to hear what goes on, and your opinions, i like knowing what the trees make you think of, what color i am. i like hearing what you think about what i'm wearing. or what someone said to you that made you inquisitive about things. really, i want to be a part of everything that makes you feel. i always want to be closer.
it's nice being so intwined in hearts of some people that you can think about hugging them for the first time in four months and tear up. thinking about hugging charlotte and drinking tea with her in her tv room. god, i really could live in that moment. sitting at her kitchen table in the morning, and looking at how we are both radiant in the mirror by the windows that overlook her mom's garden. even when we look busted, we cuddle in the morning, and enjoy criticizing the books her mom reads- just from our judgement by skimming over the pages.
i'm so excited for the upcoming weeks, and the upcoming months, because things are falling into place, and we are all so blessed. it's in the air, really.
i stand at the register at work, taking people's orders, and trying to run everything in and out of my ears fast to keep with the pace of the store, but my mind is always outside where the yellow leaves are blowing around. everyone looks beautiful in the fall. i know that i have to be glowing, because in the midst of every stressful thing, nature really screams that i am loved.
daily, i keep up with blogs of the ones closest to me. i have them tagged onto my home screen on my phone so i feel closer, and i become almost instantaneously happier. reading what everyone does in the morning, their conversations with the ones they love. reading what they think about during the day. i just want to be inside everyone's brain. i'm always curious, "what are you thinking?". i like to hear what goes on, and your opinions, i like knowing what the trees make you think of, what color i am. i like hearing what you think about what i'm wearing. or what someone said to you that made you inquisitive about things. really, i want to be a part of everything that makes you feel. i always want to be closer.
it's nice being so intwined in hearts of some people that you can think about hugging them for the first time in four months and tear up. thinking about hugging charlotte and drinking tea with her in her tv room. god, i really could live in that moment. sitting at her kitchen table in the morning, and looking at how we are both radiant in the mirror by the windows that overlook her mom's garden. even when we look busted, we cuddle in the morning, and enjoy criticizing the books her mom reads- just from our judgement by skimming over the pages.
i'm so excited for the upcoming weeks, and the upcoming months, because things are falling into place, and we are all so blessed. it's in the air, really.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
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