keep close

woven string,

our hearts

connected in patterns

unknowingly attached.

push and pull, we're there.

together, we're here.

fully functioning,

a part of each other.

mmm

"You're a writer -

writers write."

- Mariah

comfortable; don't ruin it

on shuffle, my ipod just plays.

Regina Spektor.

God puts people in your life for a reason - I'm a firm believer.

Even though I get impatient most times, you still mean so much to me. You are my tiny test of patience wrapped up in the smallest package. Cute little bow on top. It meant so much when you hesitated to tell me everything. I told you it was making my stomach turn into knots, and you looked at me, wiped a tear, and put into words what I wasted my time on. I wasn't even sad at first. I'm still not sad. I just was in complete awe - I had nothing to say at all. When he was texting me, trying to tell me I was the annoyance in this situation, I threw my phone at the wall and started crying. I can't always be so strong, it gets so hard. I can't help but to let go, exhale and let it all out. Let it out through my paint brush covered in bleach. My whole room smelled so bad. It hurt to open my eyes, and my headache kept growing. Fill it with sand. Throw it on the stack of wood outside. This can't harm me, it's just a test.

I look forward to the messages between us. It's more than just conversation, we're growing. Just like you said - we're growing.

and thats the part of you wanting to see the good in the world.

youre not weak for wanting love

love is the one thing everything can come down to

some people are either too immature or insensitive to realize that.

you break down because life is umpredictable

it wouldnt be worth living if it wasnt

dont lose faith in your feelings

they know you better than anyone

God, thank you for Kendall. He has all the right things to say, and I pray that he knows how thankful I am. There needs to be more people in the world like him.

My ring finger isn't naked. I don't wear the ring for just purity reasons. It's a constant reminder of my values. A reminder that I tend to let people in too easily. I let them in close, not realizing what I'm getting myself into until I'm completely abandoned, laying lifeless.

Actually, never lifeless, more alive than ever. Feeling more and expressing more than I normally would. I've missed this feeling of knowing where I am. You have to know where you're at before you can grow. Eventually, your weak foundation will just crumble down. I'm tired of having to prove this to myself over and over again.

Joe Purdy

It was so comfortable tonight, sitting next to you in the library. I've never noticed how quiet libraries are. Not until you pointed out the fact that I was shouting. I have some inability to whisper. I don't know what it is. I've always sort of liked the idea of whispering. It's intimate and the way everything sounds seems so elegant.

It takes so much energy to whisper.

It takes so much energy to get in the shower - the reason why you scooted your chair a few inches away from mine.

I've missed being your friend. I've missed our conversations about nothing, or everything at all. Most times at the same time. You think so much, but it's one of the reasons I enjoy talking to you. You're a prodigy, so stop denying it, organic chemist.

Regina Spektor again.

What is ever going on in her mind?

I made it home safely to my little hermit shell. Showered with grapefruit and lemongrass. Do you ever feel like you can't get clean enough? I washed my hair about three times, I think. It kept feeling the same. When I finally got clean, I just didn't want to put on anything that would ruin it.

poiuytsf

I can't wait to get out of this school.

to never see anyone every again. I don't want to deal with your drama, really don't.

Stop smirking at me, knowing you had sex with my ex boyfriend the day after we broke up. Don't tell me that you didn't do it. You were always so good at lying to me. Too good.

Do you know what a statement that is? To have sex with her less than 24 hours after breaking up with me? It proves more about your awful character.

I didn't even want to be with you, you know. I was finally content with being alone. I didn't need anyone, didn't care about anything. Then you step in and want to talk to me? Want me to fall in love with you so quickly? Thanks a lot for putting on that stupid face of yours. The front that I thought was all you.

God, it makes me sick to remember everything you said to me. Everything we did together? Do you even realize what I gave to you? You don't. What am I thinking.

I'm just a piece of meat.

Use me, pretend to care, then throw me on the ground.

Flat on my face.

5 months until graduation and I'm MORE than ready.

I need a break.

naive

thank you for extended due dates

for basically only one final to worry about right now.

for bonus questions

the annoying people at o-trip who finally got me enrolled

acoustic songs, that are so much better than the original versions

for my car and the fact that it heats up so quickly.

my unending supply of tea,

lotion

and for my cooperative dirty hair.

for a night off.

I have no idea where my phone is.

The discovery channel introduces me to the weirdest sea animals. :)

Did you see the sunset? The whole sky was gray, with accents of purple, mostly pink. The sun's golden color was shining so brightly through the clouds. I meant to tell you, but I have no idea where my phone is.

Today has been the first day in quite some time where I caught myself trying to relax. I've been pretty easy lately. I had to keep reminding myself that it's okay to be claustrophobic. You don't always have to wear your seatbelt. Him yelling at you because he misplaced something isn't that big of a deal. You're in control of your emotions. Breathe easy.

54.

I still have to read.

I wonder how long it's been since that day in the huge metal building. We all sat around a little table and laughed at how he sang all of the wrong words. There was a dragon on the end of the hose. His little brother covered his mouth with his Celtic hoodie and rode around on his skateboard. One of his friends kept telling me I had swine, I didn't believe him. It was just a cough. Sorry about giving it to you. We all had to share the little dragon. Such a weird dragon. I didn't think anything about it. I actually thought about it too much, but I enjoyed it. I always do. That's why I didn't stop. I just drank his water. Downed it, I was so thirsty.

Today Dylan drew my encouraging message on my hand. I had nothing. He grabbed my hand and drew a little smily face in my green pen. Black pupils. He wants a bracelet.

Most times I can't wait to get out of high school. I'm sick of seeing everyone, and knowing everyone. Having some sort of ties with every single person. They were in my choir two years ago, she always drives behind me after lunch. Remember that day she almost hit me with her huge black car? I'm done. I'm just done. Waiting six more months. But then it's people like Dylan that make me thankful for high school. I wouldn't even know him if it weren't for North. He's such a good person to know.

keep yourself together

I've been so confused all day.

Do I wake up ? no, keep sleeping. Go to class? Go get coffee. Should I believe her? I have no idea. Would he do that? I have no. idea.

Multiple reasons, several distractions, but I finally got a clear and obvious sign.

Like I've said before, I never get anything out of my church services. I draw on paper that's in front of me, find different scriptures, whatever I can do.

But tonight was different. He was speaking right at me, and he had no idea.

He talked about how people can be so judgmental and find interest in the wrong person because of their outward appearance. We accept and justify their true self because we like the way they appear on the outside.

So true in so many instances.

I was catching little pieces of this until I heard him say,

"Don't give your heart to someone who is undeserving."

I'm so so guilty to letting anyone and everyone in. I give every little part of my heart to them. Every emotion, every action. I give it all away so easily, and I don't even consider the consequences because I'm also guilty of living in the moment. Another story in itself.

Jake gave us a scripture, 1 Corinthians 5:...something.

He explained that they don't care - the people we let in so easily. They don't understand what you're really giving them and what it means to you. They can't fully respect it unless they feel the same way.

Stab in the chest.

They don't care about your past, in all honesty. Your present ? Your future? they'll never understand. They don't care. They just crumble it up, throw it away. It means nothing.

Everything I gave? Nothing. Got nothing in return. Was completely blind.

Another stab in the chest.

All of this hurts so bad. As much as I don't want to be bitter, and I want to be understanding? I don't understand. I really can't comprehend it. I do think that he'll be better with her. They're on the same level, and I could never accept it. I get it now. I'm better off.

Realizing all of this anger I have secretly built up, Jake pulls up another scripture.

Luke 6:37, forgive and you shall be forgiven.

So weak, I grab my shirt and try to hold back tears. I shake my head and my lips quiver. My chin hits my chest, and Maisi laughs because she knows exactly what I'm doing.

I have to forgive him.

Everyone lies, right? Everyone makes mistakes. The wound is still open, but it's healing. Time heals. I have to keep myself together. Have to have faith in the ones I'm close to. I'm too trusting. I can't let myself be thrown around. I'm worth more than that. There's so much more that I don't know how to say.

grapefruit and lemongrass

up and down.

stay lifted, drawn up by a tiny string.

keep reeling me in.

one glimpse, a little phrase, and i come spinning down.

slowly; easily.

so gentle.

head in my hands

i pray for something.

i need some strength.

keep me in your hands

wrapped tight, just hold me.

i thought i was through it. I still know its the right thing.

I have to know. Somewhere you've got this master plan that I'm completely oblivious to.

I wish to know it. Yet I don't want to know. Not yet. I'm still growing.

That's why I'm alone. You're testing me.

Still being tempted.

We just can't talk, yanno? It's too easy for you. So easy. You seem so light.

sumi, you mean so much.

thank you for having so much faith in me.

drifting near me, bumping into the glass, satellite can feel it. she's beautiful.

not too recently, i've developed an infatuation with butterflies. I didn't think anything of it until it was becoming more and more obvious that I was surrounded by them. Close to the beginning of November, I found a picture of all of these insects - butterflies, mostly. I put it as my wallpaper where I could always see it. I found a butterfly against my dad's bumper. Just laying there perfectly, bright yellow. I've kept it for about two months now. This week my house cleaner came, but left some bottle - a cleaning supply, I assume? with a butterfly on the front. Just sitting on my empty cabinets. Standing out, I always notice it. I haven't moved it. Brooke always brings me magazine pages that she's found with butterflies all over them. I finally took the hint and looked up the significance of them.

"...symbolizes change and new life."

There's the sign I've been praying for.

Isaiah 43.

don't ever forget.