october the eighteenth at ten in the morning

this morning i woke up ten minutes late, threw on clothes i knew would keep me warm, and headed out the door after making myself avocado toast for breakfast. my hands were so full, and my mom had to help me with the doors because i was rushing and inevitably going to drop my phone or laptop or breakfast on the garage floor. but she helped me, and that was nice. i get outside and the air is so brisk, it's so crisp and fresh, and freezing. i start mindlessly driving toward oklahoma city, and remember i have absolutely no gas in my car. i have to make a pit stop at a gas station by the interstate for no ethanol, and then join the parade of people rushing to work/school at eight in the morning. the interstate at these times always gives me anxiety because everyone is in a rush, all together, so uniform, but you have those random cars that like to sporadically whip out in front of you right as you're deciding to change the song? i just like to take the backroads, always.
i made it to school, ten minutes late, and sat in the front row. for whatever reason, today is different at school. i'm so used to just coming here and staring, taking down notes, and trying to comprehend everything from 8-4. yet this morning in my eight oclock class, my statistics professor went on a fourty minute rant about education, and how it's changed since the 1700s. this engaged me, thinking about how true it is that so many people just go to school to "have a degree" and they don't really give a shit about actually learning the material. and i'm one of those people. i do not give a fuuuuuuuuck about business. i do not care about business statistics, or the general flow of economics, i do not care. i do not care at all. i just think it would be helpful to know for my own business that i'm going to have. but after Machiloratti's rant, he said "find something you're passionate about, and do that. pursue that."
so i guess it shouldn't surprise me that i have a 55 average in my accounting class, and that half the time i make up excuses to skip economics. i don't really know what to do next, necessarily, but i've been thinking about it all morning; what to do. the immediate thing that came to mind when machiloratti said to find your passion, i thought about coffee, i thought about tea. and how do you really pursue that? one of my friends is now the owner of gray owl? and as much as i would hate to be a part of the hipster~hangout~ i need to follow what i want to do. like how will i ever learn if i never spend any time with it? so i think today, or within the week, i'm going to ask Andrew about shadowing there in my free time. learning the basics. maybe even if he wants to give me a job there (which is doubtful, i'm unsure if i would even ask for that), i would probably go for it. just to be involved with something i'm passionate about.
it is so dumb that i let something like accounting ruin a whole day for me. last week, it honest to god got the best of me. and that is so dumb. it is so dumb that it isn't going to matter next semester even. okay, well maybe my grade will matter, but what is the rush to finish it all so soon? there's no rush at all because i'm still nineteen, and there's a plan for everything, and it's all going to work out.

the temperature is dropping, at last

everyone has always known, and sometimes that is scary to me. it catches me off guard. when people explain my spirit to me without even really knowing me. or even if they are familiar with all of the weird things i am accustomed to doing? when they call me out on something i try to keep secret, but it leaks through the cracks somewhere. it's weird. i'm unsure why i always feel the need to keep things hidden from people, and it was never intentional, it was never mindful. i just like keeping things to myself until i can give it to the ones i put my trust and faith into, you know?

but everyone has always known about my future. even reminiscing on when i was little, they remember that i wasn't going to stick around. or maybe i will end up with my feet dug into the red clay, but it's all up in the air, and i'm ready for whatever happens. i'm really excited about everything kicking off. my whole family talks so fondly of what's going to happen, and they're never afraid to share what they're thinking. my dad texted me yesterday just to tell me he was really proud of me all around, and i've looked at it about ten times in the past twenty four hours, because sometimes i forget how sensitive he is, and how much my dad loves me. i always forget that my second guessing nature, and my tender heart comes from him most of the time. no one means better than him.

it's the same with other relationships in my life, that i forget the wonderful aspects about each of them. not that i forget, but i just really want to always be mindful of how blessed i am to have such wonderful, spiritual, loving, ever-giving, and always thoughtful people in my life. it warms me just to think about each of them, and i'm so proud of who each of them are becoming. all the friends that I still have, I have known for at least five years now, and it's so special to hear that everyone of them are actually working toward what they've always wanted to do. god, i am so proud to call them my bests. even the friends i have that have moved away, either to california or even to colorado; my best friend that moved to massachusetts, they all somehow know when i need to hear from them. they keep in touch. charlotte will take a break from studying for her earth science mid term to listen to me rant about my day then tell me how much she misses me, she'll tell me about her life and we'll make each other laugh. and i'm so happy for that, i treasure that so much.

overall, despite this shitty ass week, my life is still wonderful. this week is full of free time, even time for myself that i think i'm really going to appreciate. god is faithful.

feel it all

i feel a lot like myself today. like i am truly in the right spot, like i am adjusted to who i've always been and who i'm supposed to be. i am consumed, yet comfortable, and stable in my own existence. i am so happy like this, happy in being busy constantly with work, with school, with lunch dates and comforting my heart broken acquaintances. happy in femininity, in being a help mate to one of the most astounding individuals that i know is specially chosen. 

it's interesting to take pride in conversations throughout the day. i have urges to keep journals just to write down every wonderful thing said to me, just to have it close, to have it to look back on. actually, i may just start doing this. it's nice to have journals that inspire me, and it's nice to find strength from the person i used to be, but sometimes you just want to talk, or hear good things. 

i know all of my friends are doing well around the nation. they're all beautiful and flourishing, that's nice to know as well. 

night time bike ride

after unveiling raw emotions about our past, i felt the uncanny desire to go biking. i jumped on my precious angel of a bike that tyler has recently fixed for me, and pedaled my heart out. i went about ten miles in a little over thirty minutes, and at the end of my ride - you know after you've mentally sorted out your present unhappiness, and after you've physically fought your battles and let your endorphins win, i felt like the healthy woman i know i must be. i had missed the feeling after a ride of your skin pulsing, and sweat beginning to surface, then rolling down your skin onto the furniture you're melting into.  after a shower, and enrapturing into my favorite blogs, i came here to share a website i found that makes me so excited to make a home.

http://www.pigeontoeceramics.com/shop/category/around-the-house/

there are several little pots (mostly for succulents or house plants) that i am lusting over. little ceramic creamer pots, that i will never need, but have an urge to buy for our home in boston.
during my ride, and on the dreadful drive home from jenkins, it was apparent to me why i felt so nauseous about raking up all the awful memories our past held: i would have never dreamed of a love like this. i would have never imagined that my heart could ache for one specific soul like mine does for yours, but in the most painless of ways. i wish that i could change the past, and i wish that i could be the perfect shining gem that you deserve- be it now or even in times gone. but you were right when you said that i am doing my own thing, following my own heart and unique desires; striving for lungs full of light and a stable mentality. you were right. i'm incredibly thankful that despite the fog that lays over me, and despite my lack of perfection, that you promise every moment of your time to me. i'm thankful that as much as i know my heart is yours, yours is mine.