there are so many things i could cry about. i could cry because everyone i got close to moved away. i’m so far away from everyone. the way my dad was sobbing. thats the main one. the way he said “i don’t know” when i asked why he was crying. the way his face wrinkled up by his eyes when he was crying and how his big hands wiped his eyes. the fact that i’m sitting on my bed alone listening to lydia. the fact that i cant even see what i’m typing because i’ve been crying for literally an hour. i could throw up all over the place if i’d just let myself. i don’t think i’ve ever felt like this. no one could make me feel like this besides my parents, really. i’ve got too much respect for them. and i think of all the things ive done without them knowing, and how impure i’m sure they see me as because i had sex and everything. there are so many things i could cry about. how i don’t have a dresser here. how my head hurts and how i forgot i was making tea. how charlotte is literally so far away. mariah is far away and maisi is busy. how everyone is high and everyones hazy. how i don’t really want to talk to melanie. or theresa. or greg. like i don’t want to talk to any of you. i’m the same person as my mom. maybe this is lonliness? fuck. this is so annoying. i couldn’t name you but like 3 times i’ve ever felt even remotely as sad as i do now. i think about how the room i have in this house is the brightest, and i’m thankful that i’m not sitting in a fucking cave right now. that’s a bright side. i’m doing laundry, and i paced this floor for a good 20 minutes before i ever let myself sit down. like my head hurts. and all i have on my ipod is depressing music. that’s all i ever listen to. how my dad said, with tears in his eyes, “you don’t have to stay here if you have things to do” and i groaned and got my hamper. “i love you be careful” and i could barely say i love you back without letting it all out. but once i passed the washer and drier, there was no holding back. i could cry all day. i would give my mom the mother of the year award in a heartbeat. i do not know what she’s talking about. and how she said her mother role is just over now? fuck. no. oh my godddd i could cry for hours and hours and hours..
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
infinite love
Can I feel light and free for a day? I want a day to devote to nothing but energy of the earth. I don't want to think about a damn thing. I'm sick of it already and it's only September. Everyone I meet is only in passing I feel like. I feel so secluded when I realize they're only an image. I'll not even remember their faces after some years fly by. Just like they're doing now. We live in seasons, each of us keep pushing onward to the next. Either in seasons or in elevations. I stead of cycles, it's keep climbing mode. Keep climbing and climbing and catch yourself on the way down.
cave creatures
I always let this happen, and it always happens. Doors swing open and I have to pull them shut again. Words are empty while resonating in the wrong home. Your hearts not meant to be my home, and mines not yours. It's the idea we are both longing for, it's what we keep dreaming about but it's always a dream. Not even tangible, we are both dreaming and pretending. Always, I find myself right here.
I have to find time to fix what's broken.
I have to find time to fix what's broken.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
arkansas
theres comfort in distance. in solitude and in old books.
theres comfort in old friends and favorite foods
in colored rooms filled with aloe,
and the porch viewing the big tree.
i want to feel that again.
i can honestly say that i see this happening.
theres comfort in old friends and favorite foods
in colored rooms filled with aloe,
and the porch viewing the big tree.
i want to feel that again.
i can honestly say that i see this happening.
Monday, September 6, 2010
closer and closer to the sun
i wish that there were actual words i could use to portray the happiness that this weekend has given me. not just a smile, but i could cryyy i'm so happy.
this week; this week has been so emotionally draining. ranging from my parents not looking me in the eye to not being able to distinguish individual silhouettes from each other because i'm so happy. melanie and i left on thursday, knowing that we were about to have one of the best weekends. however, we didn't know that our eating schedule would be completely skewed, our lives would be shaken and our hearts would be completely full of love and passion that we wouldn't be able to contain it. but that's what happened.
the drive to arkansas with her was perfect. i couldn't have asked for a better car-mate. (car-mate?....)
we got to fayetteville and scoped out the venue - The Arkansas Music Pavilion. right in the parking lot of the mall. we had been in touch with bailey, hoots and greg all throughout the day and we finally met them at their hotel for pregaming. they are the most loving group of people. they had guys they had picked up along the trip with them, who were also some of the sweetest. their room reeeeeeks of wine because Nick, the 6'8 guy they had with them, broke the wine bag and it literally exploded all over the walls, the sheets, his (and every other guy's there) clothes. they start taking shots and filling the room with herb. it's cloudy and you can smell it from the elevator. melanie and i take a couple bites and we are off. the designated drivers. the only two even relatively capable. i know this town like the back of my hand, so i trail us all off to the show. my first tribe show. after getting our tickets and getting separated from our crew, it begins to pourrrrrrrrr down rain. literally can't see through it. we find greg and get under the pavillion. the show is about to begin and everyone's mouth is full of tiny squares, and everyone's eyes are brighttttt. smiles plastered on our faces. the first track is laid down and it's allllllll uphill from there. i could cry thinking about it. everyone of us dancing together and smiling and the lights and the music and the energy. there was such good energy that i've been searching for. longggging for.
like i said, none of this does the whole show justice. there aren't words.
drive from fayetteville to tahlequah. still a little hazy. praise all goodness, and thank karma that i made it there safely. we pick up kaitlin and she's in the stars. get back to her apartment and crash. i sleep on the floor, and don't mind a bit. i barely can even recall how uncomfortable it was.
the next day: much needed shower, hang out with grandma, then drive to tulsa.
i drove to tulsa against my parents requests. i had to do it, and it was worth it. tribe round 2. they played one of their most popular songs and there's a video of me, melanie and greg dancing to it on youtube. i feel famous, for sure. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cnfwg2D6FTo
after the tribe opens for ghostland.............. melanie and i split. once again, it's all sort of hazy, but i made it to wafflehouse, then back to tahlequah in one piece. i blasted tribe on the way home and i could feel it pulsing in my veins. it was growing and i couldn't go the speed limit. once again, find kaitlin, go to her apartment and sleep on the floor... only this night, i slept on couch cushions i had shaped into a bed. you have to get creative when you're living out of your car, i learned this weekend.
next. day. what day is this? saturday? hm. kaitlin's mom makes us some of theeeee best food i've had in awhile. i literally inhale it, then we go get ready for this "exciting party" at kaitlin's friend Jocelyn's house. .....
we get to this trailer house in Bell, Oklahoma. no one knows where this is, i'm sure of it. but it's a town in the sticks full of indians. indians that are knowwwwwn to be violent. literally, they skin people's heads. okay? this is where i was taken. without a car. and since we are so far away from anything safe, we don't have service. kaitlin wouldn't let us take her car because we were intoxicated. little did she know that the 27 year old men, the blasting country music, and everyone staring at us drinking from our camelback were all buzz kills. any substance we could've consumed would not have taken us to a happier place. there were ants crawling on the walls, moths getting caught in our hair, and a stove that had no burners. the window was non-existent, and the door didn't close. there were six 30 packs....... six. we are bundled up together on this couch trying to figure out who would come get us. we even contemplated calling my grandmother at 2 in the morning. but instead, we think of Jacob, my "destiny". we use jocelyn's phone to call him, fighting for service. by the graceeee of Goddddd, he comes to our rescue. he ran out of gas, and drove up and down the Bell roads trying to find us. SOMEHOW he finally does, and i can rememmmmber how big the smile was on my face. i'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life. safety. to celebrate, and honestly, release a little tension that had been stored up; cigarettes all around. i pay for his gas and nearly kiss his feet for saving us. he takes us back to the party he was at, and i crawl out of his truck. i give him a piece of earth and he tells me to go in and find his younger brother inside, that he'll take care of us. he does just that.
miles, Jacob's younger brother, is literally one of the sweetest kids i've ever met. he hugs me for such a long time and directs us to a room with an open mattress. thank goodness melanie and i had brought our own pillows and blankets. mmm, long story short, the Ouija board is broken out and i get outttt of there. i join miles on the porch and wait for jacob. after much talk about his life and discovery of faith, melanie and i crash on our empty mattress. miles comes in and lays next to me, between me and the door, to protect us. i hug the kid like theres no tomorrow and we fall asleep. the last thing i remember him saying was "it's 5:30". i was woken up by jacob and kyle at i have noooo idea what time, because they want cigarettes? i stumble around and find them, and not long after, jacob stumbles in and joins the three of us sleeping. finally. rest. ... on a mattress?
we wake up around 10, melanie and i, and still have not heard a word from kaitlin. we torment jacob, the only one left in the bed with us, and finally get around to brushing our teeth. the sweetie, jacob, takes us back to our car in tahlequah. might i add, that tahlequah is 35 minutes away from westville. and Bell is about an hour away. this kid deserves the world. anywho - we eat lunch at some mexican place and are reunited with kaitlin. it's now... sunday?
sunday. chill. rent movies. go back to kaitlin's parents' house and watch them. pack and breathe, we are going to jupiter. we watch two movies, and after melanie naps, we go vandalize things. try to steal the "welcome to oklahoma" sign, get grass burns from diving repeatedly into the ditch, and come home with an orange finger from spray paint. we start up another movie and i don't remember anything else until waking up this morning at 11.
drive home. completely overjoyed. there are no words.
also - while in fayetteville, something about it just sang to me. i'm probably going there next semester. even my parents agree. which is a rare thing this week. or ever in college respects.
but now it's back to the real world, and i cannot think about it. i've already got a list of things i need to do. none of them i've even done yet because i had to get this all out before i forgot a single detail. i wish everyone could experience this feeling of freedom. we all need it.
rereading this, i realize this does my whole weekend absolutely no justice. damn it, i wish i had words. i wish i could actually make someone feel what i felt. i'm sorry that not a one of you reading this were there. i truly am.
this week; this week has been so emotionally draining. ranging from my parents not looking me in the eye to not being able to distinguish individual silhouettes from each other because i'm so happy. melanie and i left on thursday, knowing that we were about to have one of the best weekends. however, we didn't know that our eating schedule would be completely skewed, our lives would be shaken and our hearts would be completely full of love and passion that we wouldn't be able to contain it. but that's what happened.
the drive to arkansas with her was perfect. i couldn't have asked for a better car-mate. (car-mate?....)
we got to fayetteville and scoped out the venue - The Arkansas Music Pavilion. right in the parking lot of the mall. we had been in touch with bailey, hoots and greg all throughout the day and we finally met them at their hotel for pregaming. they are the most loving group of people. they had guys they had picked up along the trip with them, who were also some of the sweetest. their room reeeeeeks of wine because Nick, the 6'8 guy they had with them, broke the wine bag and it literally exploded all over the walls, the sheets, his (and every other guy's there) clothes. they start taking shots and filling the room with herb. it's cloudy and you can smell it from the elevator. melanie and i take a couple bites and we are off. the designated drivers. the only two even relatively capable. i know this town like the back of my hand, so i trail us all off to the show. my first tribe show. after getting our tickets and getting separated from our crew, it begins to pourrrrrrrrr down rain. literally can't see through it. we find greg and get under the pavillion. the show is about to begin and everyone's mouth is full of tiny squares, and everyone's eyes are brighttttt. smiles plastered on our faces. the first track is laid down and it's allllllll uphill from there. i could cry thinking about it. everyone of us dancing together and smiling and the lights and the music and the energy. there was such good energy that i've been searching for. longggging for.
like i said, none of this does the whole show justice. there aren't words.
drive from fayetteville to tahlequah. still a little hazy. praise all goodness, and thank karma that i made it there safely. we pick up kaitlin and she's in the stars. get back to her apartment and crash. i sleep on the floor, and don't mind a bit. i barely can even recall how uncomfortable it was.
the next day: much needed shower, hang out with grandma, then drive to tulsa.
i drove to tulsa against my parents requests. i had to do it, and it was worth it. tribe round 2. they played one of their most popular songs and there's a video of me, melanie and greg dancing to it on youtube. i feel famous, for sure. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cnfwg2D6FTo
after the tribe opens for ghostland.............. melanie and i split. once again, it's all sort of hazy, but i made it to wafflehouse, then back to tahlequah in one piece. i blasted tribe on the way home and i could feel it pulsing in my veins. it was growing and i couldn't go the speed limit. once again, find kaitlin, go to her apartment and sleep on the floor... only this night, i slept on couch cushions i had shaped into a bed. you have to get creative when you're living out of your car, i learned this weekend.
next. day. what day is this? saturday? hm. kaitlin's mom makes us some of theeeee best food i've had in awhile. i literally inhale it, then we go get ready for this "exciting party" at kaitlin's friend Jocelyn's house. .....
we get to this trailer house in Bell, Oklahoma. no one knows where this is, i'm sure of it. but it's a town in the sticks full of indians. indians that are knowwwwwn to be violent. literally, they skin people's heads. okay? this is where i was taken. without a car. and since we are so far away from anything safe, we don't have service. kaitlin wouldn't let us take her car because we were intoxicated. little did she know that the 27 year old men, the blasting country music, and everyone staring at us drinking from our camelback were all buzz kills. any substance we could've consumed would not have taken us to a happier place. there were ants crawling on the walls, moths getting caught in our hair, and a stove that had no burners. the window was non-existent, and the door didn't close. there were six 30 packs....... six. we are bundled up together on this couch trying to figure out who would come get us. we even contemplated calling my grandmother at 2 in the morning. but instead, we think of Jacob, my "destiny". we use jocelyn's phone to call him, fighting for service. by the graceeee of Goddddd, he comes to our rescue. he ran out of gas, and drove up and down the Bell roads trying to find us. SOMEHOW he finally does, and i can rememmmmber how big the smile was on my face. i'd never been so happy to see anyone in my life. safety. to celebrate, and honestly, release a little tension that had been stored up; cigarettes all around. i pay for his gas and nearly kiss his feet for saving us. he takes us back to the party he was at, and i crawl out of his truck. i give him a piece of earth and he tells me to go in and find his younger brother inside, that he'll take care of us. he does just that.
miles, Jacob's younger brother, is literally one of the sweetest kids i've ever met. he hugs me for such a long time and directs us to a room with an open mattress. thank goodness melanie and i had brought our own pillows and blankets. mmm, long story short, the Ouija board is broken out and i get outttt of there. i join miles on the porch and wait for jacob. after much talk about his life and discovery of faith, melanie and i crash on our empty mattress. miles comes in and lays next to me, between me and the door, to protect us. i hug the kid like theres no tomorrow and we fall asleep. the last thing i remember him saying was "it's 5:30". i was woken up by jacob and kyle at i have noooo idea what time, because they want cigarettes? i stumble around and find them, and not long after, jacob stumbles in and joins the three of us sleeping. finally. rest. ... on a mattress?
we wake up around 10, melanie and i, and still have not heard a word from kaitlin. we torment jacob, the only one left in the bed with us, and finally get around to brushing our teeth. the sweetie, jacob, takes us back to our car in tahlequah. might i add, that tahlequah is 35 minutes away from westville. and Bell is about an hour away. this kid deserves the world. anywho - we eat lunch at some mexican place and are reunited with kaitlin. it's now... sunday?
sunday. chill. rent movies. go back to kaitlin's parents' house and watch them. pack and breathe, we are going to jupiter. we watch two movies, and after melanie naps, we go vandalize things. try to steal the "welcome to oklahoma" sign, get grass burns from diving repeatedly into the ditch, and come home with an orange finger from spray paint. we start up another movie and i don't remember anything else until waking up this morning at 11.
drive home. completely overjoyed. there are no words.
also - while in fayetteville, something about it just sang to me. i'm probably going there next semester. even my parents agree. which is a rare thing this week. or ever in college respects.
but now it's back to the real world, and i cannot think about it. i've already got a list of things i need to do. none of them i've even done yet because i had to get this all out before i forgot a single detail. i wish everyone could experience this feeling of freedom. we all need it.
rereading this, i realize this does my whole weekend absolutely no justice. damn it, i wish i had words. i wish i could actually make someone feel what i felt. i'm sorry that not a one of you reading this were there. i truly am.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
we'll hold your hand
very rarely do i feel compelled to write twice a day, but when it happens, there is no fighting the urge.
i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.
i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.
my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.
there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.
you are not alone in this.
i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.
i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.
my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.
there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.
you are not alone in this.
you are not alone in this
One of my biggest and well kept secrets were thrown out into the open. Literally thrown. After many skipped meals and clenched fists, I finally let go. I was let way off my guard and I then drove home in the fog. As much as I don't still want to be sick, I'm so nauseous.
I never make such large deals out of anything. I'm one of the most passive individuals sometimes, and most times I get caught under the bus. Yet this time, I want to take this in as a learning experience. I never really thought it was an issue just letting things fly, being so open with all of humanity. But I hate being caught under the bus. I hate when I lose control of my own life, I lose control of my own situations and decisions because no one else believes me when I say that I'm okay. That may have been what sucked the most. No, it definitely was. I have always fought my own battles. And for someone else to impose? I got aggravated, of course I did.
Things will be the same in days, months, years to come. You will still be the moon, you'll still be the stars, and you'll still be a bird. I meant it when I said I would love you forever. This just struck a chord.
I never make such large deals out of anything. I'm one of the most passive individuals sometimes, and most times I get caught under the bus. Yet this time, I want to take this in as a learning experience. I never really thought it was an issue just letting things fly, being so open with all of humanity. But I hate being caught under the bus. I hate when I lose control of my own life, I lose control of my own situations and decisions because no one else believes me when I say that I'm okay. That may have been what sucked the most. No, it definitely was. I have always fought my own battles. And for someone else to impose? I got aggravated, of course I did.
Things will be the same in days, months, years to come. You will still be the moon, you'll still be the stars, and you'll still be a bird. I meant it when I said I would love you forever. This just struck a chord.
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