old memories

Driving home from school for the second time today, listening to my baby ipod that was just returned to me, a song came on that really made me miss last year.

Time by Shawn McDonald.

Remember that song? How we'd drive around listening to "Shawnsy", being late to lunch because we were searching for "free air"? Your mom called the office so we'd be excused. We'd talk about God and everything that he's done? That was such a good time in our lives.

I miss everyone seeing the good in things. That's part of the reason I carry around my good things journal - so I won't forget anything. I can look back and appreciate the good that's happened to me. I try to seclude myself from negativity, yet some people are always pushed right up under my arms, forcing me to hold onto them. Along with their negativity. There must be a reason. Probably so I can try to uplift them? Sometimes it's just not worth the arguing to me. I've gotten too good at tuning it out, then moving onto other things. Negativity seems to work really well with closed-mindedness.

I had a really weird dream last night that I don't really want to look into. I know what it means already, I don't need any clarification from an interpretation book.

Talking to an old friend of mine today made me feel so much comfort. :) It's good to have people in your life that still appreciate the things you do. He told me a lot about where he's at in his life, where he's going, his plan. It's really nice, and I can't wait to grow closer with him again. He has such an interesting mind. He used to write these long... poems? almost? I don't really know what you'd call them. But he'd always find time to seek me out in the halls to give them to me so I could read them and give him my input. Tonight he thanked me for the Edgar Allen Poe book I once gave him. I had completely forgotten, but he readily expressed his appreciation. Felt so nice to talk with him.

"You've definitely calmed my spirit tonight :)"

My not being in chorale has separated me from a lot of the people that I cared most about.

Yet I'm still so thankful for those people. I'm so thankful for Chris Garneau.

For the way he sings, and plays his accordion in varying rhythms of push and pull.

For the homework that I'm understanding.

For the worst dinner I've had in quite some time, yet my parents and I finding the hilarity in it.

Thankful for the time I get to spend with my mom, with my book.

For the guy who works at starbucks, the same guy I run into at school, tonight while getting groceries, and how we can relate.

For the book I'm reading and for vanilla lattes.

Thankful for today.

safely home

Mm, finally home.

I'm listening to music that Charlotte gave me.

It feels so good to be home. The ride here seemed to go by so quickly. Maybe because I had a book to read? or a friend to talk to? It didn't really seem like 4 hours.

I had such a good weekend. A busy, but enjoyable weekend. I don't think we ever stopped going and doing. Doesn't bother me, really, because I got to spend time with my little Harlot girl.

It feel so good to be home.

Feels good to be clean, to be alone in the silence of my room. Silence, except for Norah Jones. I just got my ipod back from Charlotte. I'm glad I didn't have it this month, though.

There's always a reason for everything.

We all know this.

My fern is wilting.

trapeze

time to take a break from today.

started off wonderfully, laughter throughout my whole house.

heard the song of my teapot, filled my cup and left.

my steering wheel is always so cold.

school is always the same. I see the same people, hug the same people, think of the same things.

I'm sick of drawing with charcoal. I don't want to shade with my eraser. I'm a little sick of it. 7 days of it is too much.

My huge huge project is turned in and my professor let us leave 45 minutes early so naturally, I went to get coffee. I made friends with the guy at the window and we shared the same taste in music. I stayed outside the window awhile so he could let me hear his favorite song. I wasn't in a hurry. I got a peppermint mocha. "Tastes just like Christmas" fell out of my mouth and was sucked out of my window that was down. It was nearly 60 degrees today. Doesn't really feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

Took a nice little nappy in my algebra class, then woke up and found fifteen dollars in my backpack. Full of surprises.

I go to dinner with my family at my favorite restaurant - Panera. Afterwards, my sister and I go get coffee at the place around the corner from my house.

Mark? Matt? I never remember his name, and he never remembers mine. I hadn't seen him in at least two weeks. I normally see him between classes at o-trip or when he's making coffee for me. We have good conversation. What's-his-name is really nice, has curly blonde hair, and he's meeting Sarah Palin next Wednesday.

Tomorrow is Wednesday which means my room has to be clean so my house cleaner can clean it... Something I'll never fully understand. Embarrassingly enough, my room is worse than any boy's room I've ever seen. I'm not proud of that by any means. I'm just saying the job I have ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. The majority of the mess is clothes - whether they're dirty or clean, they're all lying on the floor. I can always distinguish which ones are dirty and which ones are clean, but they've all been mixed together. I have to wash them all tomorrow because at 6:00, I'm leaving for my home town. The big city of Westville. I'll be gone for five days and I have no clean clothes. Or do I? It's a little hazy.

This week is Thanksgiving break which means family, friends, good food, and never to be forgotten - the Thanksgiving Parade. I watch it religiously for the first 3 hours of my morning every holiday. My grandma introduced it to me when I was about 6, and every season since, I wake up at 9:00 so I can get my fill.

After Thursday, I spend the next three days with the love of my life, Charlotte Kirk. She's currently at a KISS concert, front row, in California. Having the time of her life, and also meeting Paul Stanley. She paid a WHOLE lot of money to meet the man, but one of her dreams is coming true tonight, so I don't blame her. Ya only have one life to live, right?

Trapeze Swinger

Iron and Wine says it all.

They make everything okay.

I really miss you. I enjoy our random texting sessions, our sarcastic remarks back and forth.

Same old thing. Somethings never change, yet everything changes.

It's changed so much.

Everyone knows it's still there, they still mention it, but I push it aside.

I can't let myself believe any of that because it'll get to me.

I'll base everything off of that belief.

My room still isn't clean.

save your scissors

i never ever have problems sleeping.

not unless i have a lot on my mind.

my fingers won't let me capitalize anything. won't erase a word.

i can't even sleep because i'm thinking about all of the hard work i put into this. you said that you'd help me out. you were supposed to call, and you never did. just play on facebook, girl. just play away because this is all me. this whole third section. the whole end. it's me. all my weight to pull. glue things down, yeah, because that's hard work. is your brain capable of thinking of anyone but yourself? i wish i knew. sorry i interrupted your sweet slumber. don't be mad, because i'll get us this A. me and our friend that's hardly ever got his feet on the ground. don't worry, we got it. just take your time playing; sleeping. is this what you've become? since when are you so closed minded? my parents have even noticed. they ask. don't think they don't care. don't think i don't care. i do. that's why i can't stop thinking about this.

are you okay?

i never know what you're truly feeling.

i never know what to listen to, because sadly, i've learned to tune you out. all of your bad energies. you just look at me waiting to respond, while im trying to recall what you said. where'd you go?

why'd you leave?

ease up a bit, please. take a rest for a second. when the time's right.

we've all got it wrong.

walking in the wrong directions. what leads us astray? must you lose everything to know what it's truly like to be strong?

that's my case.

it all has to leave and i have to be left with nothing but my keyboard, pen and paper.

city and colour.

i need time to grow, and so do you.

our paths are colliding and it's getting to me.

i know it gets to you too. i could hear it in your tone.

it's okay, though, because seasons change. maybe it's just a phase. maybe.

brand new day

Yesterday was one of the busiest, yet most relaxing days. I went to lunch with my red-headed friend Theresa. We share the same love for coffee, so instead of eating at lunch, we went to Gray Owl to get lattes. She always gets an iced mocha. It never fails. My absolute favorite is the vanilla latte. It's so strong, but at the same time it's milky and sweet.

After lunch, Brooke and I came to my house to work on our project that we have barely started. Feeling too energetic and alive to work on homework, we met up with a few friends and spent time with them instead.

I went to dinner with a few of my old close friends, then two of us went to the school musical afterwards. The musical was really good, with really good acting, but I had to leave early so I could reunite with Brooke. I picked her up from work and we came to my house and made tea. She always drinks the fruity stuff. We curled up in quilts and watched the first season of friends.

We talked about nearly everything. About how her boyfriend is acting like mine did the last month of our relationship. He just doesn't seem to care like he used to. When I told her that's how Collin acted before we broke up, she got scared. But it seems like she's so much stronger than I am. I get too sucked into things and don't realize what I'm letting myself get into. I told her that I really think this is where I'm supposed to be in life. Now that the wound isn't wide open, it's easier to accept the fact that he's gone. Not easy, just easier. I never realized that I was giving him parts of myself that I didn't want to give anyone. No one was worth it. But I got caught up in the whole thing and let everything go. Kelsey and I talked about how this is going to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason. Although at first it was awful to even think about, it's starting to look up. There's a reason I let that happen. I'm okay with knowing that. I'm okay with knowing that I'm alone. It's nice. I really don't mind at all - such a liberating feeling.

indian blankets

I don't know where to begin.

Today had good energy and good vibes. Maybe because Kelsey and I kept telling ourselves how good was going to be? Maybe because the words "Today will be the best day" became my mantra early this morning. From the moment I woke up from a weird, uncomfortable dream. I woke up to an empty house. My parents flew out to Chicago early this morning - it's their anniversary. Dressed myself, made tea, and left my quiet house.

I always look forward to Wednesdays. They're almost, yet not nearly quite as enjoyable as Thursdays. Every Wednesday I go to the youth service at my church, and I used to get more out of it than I do now. I think it's because that it's main focus is on fourteen year olds and their problems. Not saying that a few years makes that much difference in our problems, but... it sort of does. Also, when I was fourteen, I was attending the same exact youth group and we were taught the same things. The words were engraved into my heart, so they're already there. I don't really need to hear the obvious. It's redundant. Despite my feelings towards the messages, I keep going. I sort of feel like it's an obligation; there's no option. I really enjoy the worship, even though me and another girl are the only ones who ever get into it. The other kids just look like zombies, staring up at Todd playing the guitar. Watching the lights flash above us. The songs are fulfilling.

But during the message, I normally just flip through the pages of my Bible and read what stands out to me. What I found tonight was Luke 6:27

"Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you,

not the worst... Live generously."

As simple as that sounds, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do. I've noticed that I have these unspoken grudges towards people. When we pass in the halls, I avoid eye-contact. When I think about why I have a problem with them, it seems idiotic. There's absolutely no reason to have any sort of negative feelings toward them. I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it and neither is God. It's a complete waste of time.

serpent charmer

It's 6:00, nearly 7, and I could go to bed right now. I've been getting adequate amounts of sleep, I'm pretty sure. Is 8 hours not enough?

This morning I woke up to my alarm, turned it off and went right back to sleep. When I woke up ten minutes later, I realized I was grinding my teeth. Much like my mother does when she's stressed out. What a good sign. Even though grinding your teeth in your teeth is bad enough, it's worse for my mouth because I have a contraption in the roof of my mouth with bands that wrap around my teeth. However, the glue on the bands dried before they could get the apparatus all the way into place, so I have metal slightly lower than the rest of my teeth. Just grinding against my bottom teeth while I sleep.

Today was a much better day. I was completely convinced that yesterday was the 17, which is why I titled yesterdays blog "november 17". I guess I just skipped right over november 16. Which is completely fine with me.

My favorite part of today was probably driving home from class in the city and seeing the sunset. It was so neat. There wasn't just black parts of the sky, or bright parts, but they were intertwined. They made the sky look like it was rippling, some even looked like feathers. It was such a good thing. Especially with the tall, bare trees that stand on bright green grass against it.

There's beauty everywhere. You just have to find it.

november 17

I wake up this morning to homework assignments that I wrote on my hand really late last night. I also have a message from Mariah saying "Get ready for the coldest day of your life." Awesome. I hate cold. I crawl out of bed and run to my fan to turn it off. Yeah, I still sleep with a fan on when it's freezing cold outside. I need the noise. Go to my bathroom to brush my teeth - I'm out of toothpaste.

I throw on clothes and look like a boy, so I change my shirt. Put on a jacket, pull the hood up, and next comes my coat. Grab my keys and leave.

My steering wheel is freezing cold, I don't even want to touch it.

Get to school and watch my ex-boyfriend drive away with another girl at overtime. I'm supposed to meet up with him later today to exchange everything. To finalize the breakup and rip everything right down the middle. Cut even deeper.

Goooood morning.

Everything's alright until lunch when I get hit by a friend. She scrapes up against my car with hers, but you can't even tell because the previous owner of my car had already scraped up all the sides. I just wave her off and tell her to have a good day.

Leaving the same parking lot, there's a traffic jam at the little gate to get out. Bailey's little car just weasels right on out. Amy tries to do the same thing, but her car is too wide. I have a token, so I pull up to put it in, thinking we could leave one right after another, but as she leaves, the board falls down on my car. I'm stuck. I try to use an old token that I found in my car, but it doesn't work. As I'm cursing my bad day and banging the back of my head on my seat, I see Amy running across the street yelling, "I have a coin!!" She puts it in, and the gate opens. I nearly bolt out of there.

Brooke and I get back to my house after lunch and I start making tea. Tea was probably the best part of my day. My brother shows up, we chat for a bit, then Brooke and I head to Davy's to do a project that's due in a week.

While working, I leave my phone on silent and left across the room from me. I always get distracted by it. Around 4:30, I realize that my dad hasn't called, so I go pick up my phone to see that he actually hassss called me and I have 3 texts from him. Two of which are talking about dinner plans and the other is telling me that since I "refuse to communicate" I'm grounded. I have to do everything alone, at the house. Excuse me, Dad, for working on my project. Seriously.

I come home immediately and wait for my mom to get home so that we can go to dinner.

I drive to Subway separately because I have to babysit afterwards. Yeah, yeah, a surprise babysitting gig. Sweet, right?

After I order my food and sit down with my parents, my dad starts talking about how this man accused him of yelling. My dad's response was "people who know me know that that's not yelling - I just get excited" I commented saying, "funny thing is, the people who know him can't ever determine whether he's yelling or not". He responds "You're about to see yelling! You'll knoww I'm yelling. You're walkin' on thin ice today anyway!" I try to explain to him why I didn't answer his phone and he says, "I don't care about your excuses, you need to answer your phone when I call! That's the reason you have a phone!"

I gather up my trash, throw it away, and leave. Just drive away to babysit for 2 hours.

"I can't catch a break." was my facebook status. When I get home, my mom mockingly says "You can't catch a break little girrrrllll?"

shuuuutttt uppppp.

On the bright side of being grounded, I don't have to meet Collin for another three weeks, aka the duration of my grounding. However, I don't get to go to dinner with Marisa this week. There's not even a little chance that I could go to BK. No sleepover with Theresa. No origami class.

I can't catch a break. I'm more than ready to have a new season in my life. Where things go right, sometimes, yanno? I keep patiently waiting. October was a struggle in itself, and now November? Please, God, let something good happen.

Please.

just something

I'm avoiding my math grade - I don't want to know.

However! I did get some senior pictures.

no clue why i look so innocent ^

I think I'm going to read.

discover beauty in everyone

sometimes I think of cutting things out of my life that don't make me happy.

such as facebook.

I really just hate it. Every time I get on, I get upset and I wind up learning things I never wanted to know. Yet I'm not strong enough. Rather, I don't believe I'm strong enough.

Charlotte came to Norman this weekend and I always feel so good whenever she comes here. She was telling me all about her life. How she got invited to an OU dinner and was requested to sit right next to President Boren. How she's applied to Stanford, MIT, Rochester Engineering, yanno, good places like that. She also told me about this person she came into contact with who "healed" her. They would lay out these blocks in a certain pattern, then give you this drink that was touched with a "healing stick" and you'd look at the pattern and drink that magical drink at the same time, then you were healed. The "healer" told her that after you've been healed, anytime you feel sick, stressed, discouraged - anything - you can tap your chest and say "I choose not to be stressed" or whatever you were feeling. She fully believes that it works. I don't necessarily believe that it doesn't work, but I think that it's all mental. It's like a placebo. It works because you trick your mind into thinking that it works.

I'm completely blown away anytime I think about how much the human mind is capable of. Certain things can trigger certain emotions, and the same goes with smells. It's so odd, yet it's the coolest thing that God blessed us with something so powerful. I try to write encouraging things on my hand everyday to keep myself uplifted. I've recently started doing this, but it really helps. It helps because I believe in it.

I often wish everything were like a blog.

knots in my stomach

I definitely think that everything happens for a reason.

There's a reason why Greg gave me that rock from Rothbury. - good vibes, keep it in your car; you're worth it.

A reason why Marisa and I are in the exact same situation. We have the same emotions and it's still so fresh, the cut's wide open. We've promised to keep each other accountable, to be there for each other to keep each other strong. There's a reason why Bailey drove me home this morning after getting donuts. A reason why the guy at native roots commented on my bracelets. There's always a reason.

I've been blessed with so many things and lately I haven't taken the time to appreciate them. I think that being alone helps you focus more on yourself. Not in the self-centered way, but to really gather your thoughts, to know who you are so you can continue to grow in the right direction. When you become so dependent on something, you get so used to something, you don't even notice that you're losing parts of yourself. Being alone can make you stronger - I fully believe that. It sort of sucks that you can get so caught up in something that you'll put it above anything else. It's pathetic, really. Especially since you don't even realize it's happening. As much as I enjoy being visibly and physically loved by someone, I love finding love in other things - other people. Taking time to realize that God loves you. You always know that he loves you, but you get so caught up in other things that you don't appreciate it. That puts knots in my stomach.

continually circling

Sometimes I cant get my point across.

The perfect little picture you formed of me in your head now has huge smudges, rips and tears.

I'm sorry that you don't understand why I did it or everything that I'm thinking. I wish I could spell it out to you, explain everything, but I can't because I don't even know what I'm trying to say without getting lost in circles. Factors play into everything.

I'm sorry that I get defensive, that sometimes we really cant get into each others heads the right way.

You're in my head - of course you're in my head.

Along with so many other things.

I want to be able to just calmly show you what I mean. Just lay it all out there. It's so hard over text messaging. Sometimes I just throw my phone across my car because I just hate texting. Especially when you have so much to say and your fingers won't move. You just get frozen. I'd much rather write you a letter and send it to you, across two or three blocks.

My body aches and I think I'm too reliant upon caffeine.

"good things happen to good people"

sometimes you just need a friend, yanno?

I went to zumba tonight with Mariah and it was the most fun I've had in so long. Despite how my body ached and how weak I felt, it was so good. Our faces got red like little cherries, but it was okay because we were both so sweaty, hair stuck down to our foreheads - I know, great mental picture of how cute we are. I want to go every Tuesday nighttttt.

Afterwards, I showered. Not just showered, I spent a good twenty minutes in there just trying to get clean. I feel so good, I smell clean. That's two showers today for me. You don't even realize what an accomplishment that is for me.

My room is clean which is strange. It feels comfortable.

Tomorrow is my daddio's birthday and the day after that is little Brookie's birthday.

Good week ahead.

Thank you, God.

A part of me wants to just skip right along to summer.

But I love fall, it's by far one of my favorite seasons. Fall and winter.

I can't get enough. There's something different about them, it just... feels different.

The trees change, then they get bare and they look so good against the grayish-purple sky. The trees and the power lines. The water tower that always makes me think of Mariah. It has a little red light on the top of it so planes know it's there. I love Norman, and I can't get enough. I always complain about how I want to get away for something new. Truth is, I don't want to leave. I just need a different mindset, I think.

in august

You can see right through me

Gliding planes

I wish you could see the whole vision

The golden reflection of the moon around every object

The black trees outlined by the glow.

Every insect is singing in harmony

Each star is shining, some dim and some brightly

So open and liberated

In the back of an old red truck,

The hum of a sister sleeping

The warmth of these well- knit blankets

Humidity is no stranger, only making things grow

Through every vein and every muscle; I can feel it

Every emotion, every thought

I hear a drum of a heartbeat

Quivering of a lip,

As the moon quietly sneaks back into her pocket in the big open sky.

Always turning always spinning, and we don't feel a thing.

Gravity pulling us down and keeping us stable

We don't really notice until we take a minute to think about the trees, the moon, the stars;

all God's creation.

Our hearts are tightly wound in the vulnerable space, where our minds have room to think,

to feel and to recognize the beauty in front of us -- it's always there.

Always changing.

With the seasons and as things grow.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Bringing us closer to the ground, humbling us.

As gravity treats the earth.

against the grain

I can't even begin to explain what I feel.

I lost one of the biggest parts of me on Thursday. Just left me, no explanation. Hurt so bad. November 5, one of the worst days. He knew. He just kept piling up everything. Every single lie. I can't forgive, I'm trying to recover and stay distracted. Please, God, that's enough. Please.

I just got a 3 page text from my best friend. Just something I wrote in the back of an old red pick-up. I had completely forgotten about it, lost the note I wrote it in because my phone broke. I lost a child. Every emotion, it all came back to me. Filled my veins.

Day Old Hate.

I want to be so much closer to you because it's so refreshing to hear everything you say. Every one of your opinions, your silly stories, your big blue eyes. You and I have both got no one, dude. When Mariah leaves us, we have to stay close. We have to have each other.

You know how certain things happen for a reason? There are so many things that I could name that I'm thankful for. Let me explain. Charlotte took my ipod to Westville, accidentally. Every other song was a song from a cd he made me. That would've hurt so bad. I changed my wallpaper because of the happiness the picture of Brooke and I's feet gave me. Seeing him would've hurt so bad. His wrist tape came down because I needed the needle that was holding it up there against the silly flower picture I painted this summer. God knows everything to do. That night, Greg texted me. He just needs a friend, but I don't want to fall back in.

Please don't tell my secrets. This is all I have, all I am. Keep it in, locked tight.

I appreciate every word you said, every little thing I thought was golden and it's all gone now.

I think that I feel God so much more in the fall and winter. Which was said by Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz, but it's so true. The trees change, and it's colder; lonelier.

Alone - all one.

Confusing, right? That's what I thought.

I really don't know what it's like to be alone, but I feel so alone. I have a few, some, but I just feel alone. It's my fault, probably. Not trying to push anything in any direction, but I don't feel fulfilled like I used to. I dunno, it's just fall.

It'll be nice to be back on solid ground again. Not dependent, not lonely. I'll be satisfied. It's going to take a surgery. Just won't be a little baby cut, it'll take weeks.

I got the weirdest urge to talk to my cousin Jordan today who lives in Illinois. I haven't talked to her since I was probably 7? She's about 21 now and she's engaged. She seems like such an interesting person who I think would really help me in life. Mostly in spiritual things. She's so in touch with God, I'm almost jealous. Kind of ironic if you think about it.

The planets need to align, it's freaking us all out. There's something sort of eerie about lately and I'm not diggin' it. I could've cried when the three of us were talking about the downfall of someone close to us. All of our friends are all so deep into drugs, like, it's going to take a huge slap in the face for them to realize they've been going down this huge spiral. We'll have to be there, have to pray for them.

season change

the thing is - i haven't felt anything good in awhile.

that's a lie.

I've felt good things, just not things that literally make me burn inside because it feels so good.

today I felt that.

I spent so much time with my best friend. painting, laughing, creating, sharing.

I love her and used to feel so distant.

I'm becoming less dependent on other things, which I think is good. Nothing is permanent. Not hatred, anger, not even love. Everything changes, but not everything has changed.

We created an etsy account today because we actually need to do something with our talent and creativity that we're overflowing with. There are so many opportunities.

We took so many pictures. Painted so many things. Sewed, searched for buttons. It felt good.

It's fall. You can hear it. You can feel it. You walk outside and hear the crunching of leaves and it's probably my favorite feeling. I love the way the leaves all pile up on the sides of the street. You drive and the leaves just swirl around you in different colors. My favorite colors.

Nothing can recreate it. You can't draw it, you can't try to explain it... it is it's own thing. Fall has always been my absolute favorite season. You can start drinking hot coffee again. Tights are always on my legs, and I wear the same dumb little booties every day because it's fall. I text old friends because it's fall. I can't stop crying because it's fall and I feel every single emotion because.. it's fall.

I don't want it to end. However, nothing is permanent.

I have so much on my mind and I don't have enough motivation to fulfill everything. Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, because I have.

It's fall and I can feel so much.