this too should pass

i think that i have forgotten how to be alone. i wrote bailey a note today about how to be mindful and how to be alone, and actively stored everything i wrote down into my brain to remember for myself. i tried to keep my phone in my backpack on the drive home, and i tried not to think about anything. just told myself to drive home and enjoy the present now, but within two seconds of trying to accept it, (for the first time in 5 weeks) I pulled my fingers up to my lips and almost chewed my nails off.
in my online class we are talking about anxiety. we are required to comment on other students' posts, and two people have already replied to my response in ways to help my anxiety. i remember for a few days i didnt have anxiety at all. it was the most light feeling and even when i would think about things that would generally make me anxious, i almost sighed in relief because i had no negative energy from it. i'm unsure as to where that went, but my anxiety shoots through the roof when i am alone. my brain runs on full blast, and i can't let myself think almost?
there has to be a way to fix it without some psychological doctor giving me a label and permanently getting in my head with their medication. maybe i just need to force myself to go do things by myself. i used to be so good at it, i don't know what happened. but here i am in an empty house and only 30 minutes have gone by and i'm nervously wanting to ask everyone where they are. i haven't let myself yet, but this too shall pass, right?

a new frequency

theres so much love or adoration that i want to give everyone, but my mouth doesn't work that way, it's only the inside of me like burning sometimes, wanting to get out. my mouth doesn't work like a mouth and my brain works like a mouth, only on paper or through my fingertips on a keyboard. they've got it all confused, but nothing feels more natural than writing it all down.
i always think that i'll write everyone letters so they know what they mean to me, because it's more than just an acquaintance sometimes. it's more than just, "thank you for giving me your pen today". sometimes it's the little things that make the whole day seem brighter, and i wish that everyone knew. so many words these days are taken so lightly and i don't know how to make them feel weighted.
i'm genuinely anticipating the next year more and more every day. not just because i'm moving to boston and spending the rest of my time with the boy that i've always had my heart set on, but because some of my bests and the people close to me are doing what they've always dreamed of doing too. it's feeling the support from them, and feeling their light and warmth everyday with their good morning texts that make me remember that it's all worth it.
but even more than that, maybe equivalent to, it's making new connections and finding similarities between people you've never known before. jp used to tell me that throughout his 26 years of living and from all the places that he's been, he meets the same people, only different bodies. the same personalities cycle around, but i swear that some are golden, and they have all fallen into my lap.
i am so thankful for each and every person that's been pushed into my direction, and whether you know it or not, i think about it every day.

nostalgia

it's really intimidating trying to find an apartment in boston while your parents are laughing in the next room. just makes me uneasy.


but i got my homework done for the week - for my online class, at least. drinking tea out of my new gemini mug, and just had a homemade protein bar. not everything is stressful.

coming soon, anticipating.

how do you comprehend that every dream you've ever had - be it hazy or seemingly clear - how do you come to terms that it's happening within the year? i've never felt more sure of anything in my life and i'm proud to go everywhere and write it all over everything. i'll tell anyone, i'll explain it to anyone, that i am the most blessed woman since i've come back to you. and it's not something selfish, like i swear it's not something that either of us have power of, but its something more astronomical. something that only the biggest god we believe in can control. only god almighty can make the stars align in such a way that i feel perfect in you. like the most pure and close to fulfilled woman. only with you and no body else. not any skin or no scent of another room can make me feel like this, but you make me radiate with an unreal light i didn't know i had inside of me.

fall semester of solitude

fall semester has started.
if i didn't know by the longest day of class in my life, it's obvious by how i made time to sew tonight. how i'm sitting here typing out what i'm thinking for once in a really long while. it's going to be like this for a year, and probably only get worse, but i'll adapt, i am hoping. i'll adapt or get sucked into my own things. like maybe i'll keep up really well with my school work. maybe i'll care enough this semester to actually make grades better than just average. things are all falling into place and i've never felt more sure about any one thing in my life.


thinking about months from now, or even that "one day" that's coming soon now. it's all i think about, it consumes the margins of my school work, of my notes, the margins of my free time. it's literally all i think about. where to put the wildflowers and how to wear my smile so i look somewhat elegant without looking like either one, my heart is about to explode, or two...my heart is about to explode. to say i'm excited would be an understatement.

i guess i'm making more friends, rather, making better friends with acquaintances.  it's funny to see how people act when it's just the two of you. how you can see right through whatever face they're trying to put on for you. it's a learning experience in itself.

this year is only going to get more exciting, and i'll be writing more. i promise i'll be writing more.

It's more than four letters, it's more than any word that I could write over and over and all over everything I could find. It's more than my excitement to wake up to you, right next you, each morning. It's far beyond just having any dream ring I could find, inviting everyone we have ever loved or anyone who ever cared about us to come and watch us be married. It's so much more than "this is my boyfriend since this summer", "this is my boyfriend", "im his girlfriend". more than you being a doctor or me having a vegetarian cafe. its more than the feeling to write my name with your last name on the end. It's indescribable to feel like this about someone, I can't ever put it into words. I literally try to explain to people how I love you, I can't do it - I really can't. But to see the look in your eyes that I can feel all over my skin that you feel the exact same way, it's worth all the struggle of trying to write it out. It's worth the distance for four days, not talking or being busy. It's all worth it because I am wholly and completely in love with you, Tyler. I never in my life even dreamed I could feel this way about anyone. And it's you. It's you, and I'm so thankful and beyond blessed that you love me too.

im always sad, and always lonely. reaching to hold anyones hand who seems stable or sure. but it's not me. i'm in pain all the time, and never felt so much, yet nothing at all at the same time. i could get upset about how lonely i am, but there's no reason and i'd feel dumb later. so i just listen to bon iver and pretend like i'm not upset. i don't know what i'd say anyway. all my emotions are skewed, i haven't let myself cry this much in so long. as much as i try to wean myself off of the medication, i always come back sobbing. i'm always crying. just want to be held, to feel feminine and wanted. instead i just lay here on this same pillow i've had since i was tiny. damn it all