in august

You can see right through me

Gliding planes

I wish you could see the whole vision

The golden reflection of the moon around every object

The black trees outlined by the glow.

Every insect is singing in harmony

Each star is shining, some dim and some brightly

So open and liberated

In the back of an old red truck,

The hum of a sister sleeping

The warmth of these well- knit blankets

Humidity is no stranger, only making things grow

Through every vein and every muscle; I can feel it

Every emotion, every thought

I hear a drum of a heartbeat

Quivering of a lip,

As the moon quietly sneaks back into her pocket in the big open sky.

Always turning always spinning, and we don't feel a thing.

Gravity pulling us down and keeping us stable

We don't really notice until we take a minute to think about the trees, the moon, the stars;

all God's creation.

Our hearts are tightly wound in the vulnerable space, where our minds have room to think,

to feel and to recognize the beauty in front of us -- it's always there.

Always changing.

With the seasons and as things grow.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Bringing us closer to the ground, humbling us.

As gravity treats the earth.

against the grain

I can't even begin to explain what I feel.

I lost one of the biggest parts of me on Thursday. Just left me, no explanation. Hurt so bad. November 5, one of the worst days. He knew. He just kept piling up everything. Every single lie. I can't forgive, I'm trying to recover and stay distracted. Please, God, that's enough. Please.

I just got a 3 page text from my best friend. Just something I wrote in the back of an old red pick-up. I had completely forgotten about it, lost the note I wrote it in because my phone broke. I lost a child. Every emotion, it all came back to me. Filled my veins.

Day Old Hate.

I want to be so much closer to you because it's so refreshing to hear everything you say. Every one of your opinions, your silly stories, your big blue eyes. You and I have both got no one, dude. When Mariah leaves us, we have to stay close. We have to have each other.

You know how certain things happen for a reason? There are so many things that I could name that I'm thankful for. Let me explain. Charlotte took my ipod to Westville, accidentally. Every other song was a song from a cd he made me. That would've hurt so bad. I changed my wallpaper because of the happiness the picture of Brooke and I's feet gave me. Seeing him would've hurt so bad. His wrist tape came down because I needed the needle that was holding it up there against the silly flower picture I painted this summer. God knows everything to do. That night, Greg texted me. He just needs a friend, but I don't want to fall back in.

Please don't tell my secrets. This is all I have, all I am. Keep it in, locked tight.

I appreciate every word you said, every little thing I thought was golden and it's all gone now.

I think that I feel God so much more in the fall and winter. Which was said by Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz, but it's so true. The trees change, and it's colder; lonelier.

Alone - all one.

Confusing, right? That's what I thought.

I really don't know what it's like to be alone, but I feel so alone. I have a few, some, but I just feel alone. It's my fault, probably. Not trying to push anything in any direction, but I don't feel fulfilled like I used to. I dunno, it's just fall.

It'll be nice to be back on solid ground again. Not dependent, not lonely. I'll be satisfied. It's going to take a surgery. Just won't be a little baby cut, it'll take weeks.

I got the weirdest urge to talk to my cousin Jordan today who lives in Illinois. I haven't talked to her since I was probably 7? She's about 21 now and she's engaged. She seems like such an interesting person who I think would really help me in life. Mostly in spiritual things. She's so in touch with God, I'm almost jealous. Kind of ironic if you think about it.

The planets need to align, it's freaking us all out. There's something sort of eerie about lately and I'm not diggin' it. I could've cried when the three of us were talking about the downfall of someone close to us. All of our friends are all so deep into drugs, like, it's going to take a huge slap in the face for them to realize they've been going down this huge spiral. We'll have to be there, have to pray for them.

season change

the thing is - i haven't felt anything good in awhile.

that's a lie.

I've felt good things, just not things that literally make me burn inside because it feels so good.

today I felt that.

I spent so much time with my best friend. painting, laughing, creating, sharing.

I love her and used to feel so distant.

I'm becoming less dependent on other things, which I think is good. Nothing is permanent. Not hatred, anger, not even love. Everything changes, but not everything has changed.

We created an etsy account today because we actually need to do something with our talent and creativity that we're overflowing with. There are so many opportunities.

We took so many pictures. Painted so many things. Sewed, searched for buttons. It felt good.

It's fall. You can hear it. You can feel it. You walk outside and hear the crunching of leaves and it's probably my favorite feeling. I love the way the leaves all pile up on the sides of the street. You drive and the leaves just swirl around you in different colors. My favorite colors.

Nothing can recreate it. You can't draw it, you can't try to explain it... it is it's own thing. Fall has always been my absolute favorite season. You can start drinking hot coffee again. Tights are always on my legs, and I wear the same dumb little booties every day because it's fall. I text old friends because it's fall. I can't stop crying because it's fall and I feel every single emotion because.. it's fall.

I don't want it to end. However, nothing is permanent.

I have so much on my mind and I don't have enough motivation to fulfill everything. Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, because I have.

It's fall and I can feel so much.

a day in the life

wake up in a weird room, my mind's already set on how weird my life has gotten.

don't shower.

never shower.

wash off yesterdays makeup, brush my teeth.

shine the metal.

rubber bands - on.

double-time.

throw on the same brown dress i wore yesterday, different green tights.

sit in church, legs crossed.

yawn.

(pop)

broke a bracket.

felt as if my tooth was being pulled from my gums, roots and all.

nice.

thanks for that.

mosey to the bathroom mirror.

naked tooth, right front.

retreat to my green room on wheels, my life.

piano plays in my car, i want to cry.

the most beautiful lyrics dance around my car, on my steering wheel, through my necklaces.

music.

fall music.

there's a time

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a
time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves
into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces
when it's all over.

autumn

Last night, at a study group thing, Mariah gets a call from a youth leader. Asking about her day, her life, "how can I keep you in my prayers?", things like that. It looked and sounded so good.

I want that.

Someone who remembers me.

Someone who cares enough about me to remember me.

Everyone wants that, I think. In some shape or form.

But it's not just attention that we all want, I don't think. Because it's not a good feeling to be texted or called, or asked to be hung out with just because they know you're close to a drug dealer. It doesn't feel good to be ditched to smoke pot. It hits deep, yanno?

I don't really let it get to me, but it just shows that people change and when you try to come back, things aren't the same. Not at all. Not only have they changed, but so have you. And if you don't keep up at all while you're doing different things, it's hard to cope with.

But then you look around and you realize that at least one good friend is much better than 3 friends who ditch you for weed. Use you for weed.

Thank God.

God - I need so much more of God. You know when you feel like you miss an old friend? I miss God like that. I miss relying on Him. I miss Him. How did I let Him get so far away? I always thought about Him, always do think about Him, but that's nothing. That means nothing. He needs to know that He's missed. You have to put action into it.

I miss you.

I'm so glad that it's fall. It's cold, I wear hoodies, tights, boots, scarves, drink hot coffee. It feels so good.

I'm blessed and sometimes I forget.

I have so much love to give. So much to say. Too much to say.

When it rains, have you ever noticed how everything kind of just blurs into one big artwork? You know they're all individual things, but there's something making it all jumbled? I feel like that's how this blog is right now. Just rain in the city. Just mixing colors, emotions and feelings.

watch us fly

tonight's been such a good night.

it's cold, and I'm about to experience winter in a whole different way.

good, sentimental things are being verbally, audibly expressed to me - all around me.

I'm blessed.

It's just a test.

It feels so good when you're riding your bike in a dress. tights underneath. converse up to your ankles, backpack on, sunglasses on your head.

sitting like an outsider on the concrete with a beautiful soul.

watching everyone's spirit rise, bodies rise.

goosebumps cover your arms.

hug a neck,

exchange stories,

go help your friend paint a birdhouse,

come home and hug your mother, kiss her on the mouth

put on a baggy shirt,

go outside and be held.

shiver.

share warmth.

share words,

love,

feelings.

do this to draw closer

to each other.

thank you thank you thank you thank you