season change

the thing is - i haven't felt anything good in awhile.

that's a lie.

I've felt good things, just not things that literally make me burn inside because it feels so good.

today I felt that.

I spent so much time with my best friend. painting, laughing, creating, sharing.

I love her and used to feel so distant.

I'm becoming less dependent on other things, which I think is good. Nothing is permanent. Not hatred, anger, not even love. Everything changes, but not everything has changed.

We created an etsy account today because we actually need to do something with our talent and creativity that we're overflowing with. There are so many opportunities.

We took so many pictures. Painted so many things. Sewed, searched for buttons. It felt good.

It's fall. You can hear it. You can feel it. You walk outside and hear the crunching of leaves and it's probably my favorite feeling. I love the way the leaves all pile up on the sides of the street. You drive and the leaves just swirl around you in different colors. My favorite colors.

Nothing can recreate it. You can't draw it, you can't try to explain it... it is it's own thing. Fall has always been my absolute favorite season. You can start drinking hot coffee again. Tights are always on my legs, and I wear the same dumb little booties every day because it's fall. I text old friends because it's fall. I can't stop crying because it's fall and I feel every single emotion because.. it's fall.

I don't want it to end. However, nothing is permanent.

I have so much on my mind and I don't have enough motivation to fulfill everything. Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, because I have.

It's fall and I can feel so much.

a day in the life

wake up in a weird room, my mind's already set on how weird my life has gotten.

don't shower.

never shower.

wash off yesterdays makeup, brush my teeth.

shine the metal.

rubber bands - on.

double-time.

throw on the same brown dress i wore yesterday, different green tights.

sit in church, legs crossed.

yawn.

(pop)

broke a bracket.

felt as if my tooth was being pulled from my gums, roots and all.

nice.

thanks for that.

mosey to the bathroom mirror.

naked tooth, right front.

retreat to my green room on wheels, my life.

piano plays in my car, i want to cry.

the most beautiful lyrics dance around my car, on my steering wheel, through my necklaces.

music.

fall music.

there's a time

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a
time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves
into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces
when it's all over.

autumn

Last night, at a study group thing, Mariah gets a call from a youth leader. Asking about her day, her life, "how can I keep you in my prayers?", things like that. It looked and sounded so good.

I want that.

Someone who remembers me.

Someone who cares enough about me to remember me.

Everyone wants that, I think. In some shape or form.

But it's not just attention that we all want, I don't think. Because it's not a good feeling to be texted or called, or asked to be hung out with just because they know you're close to a drug dealer. It doesn't feel good to be ditched to smoke pot. It hits deep, yanno?

I don't really let it get to me, but it just shows that people change and when you try to come back, things aren't the same. Not at all. Not only have they changed, but so have you. And if you don't keep up at all while you're doing different things, it's hard to cope with.

But then you look around and you realize that at least one good friend is much better than 3 friends who ditch you for weed. Use you for weed.

Thank God.

God - I need so much more of God. You know when you feel like you miss an old friend? I miss God like that. I miss relying on Him. I miss Him. How did I let Him get so far away? I always thought about Him, always do think about Him, but that's nothing. That means nothing. He needs to know that He's missed. You have to put action into it.

I miss you.

I'm so glad that it's fall. It's cold, I wear hoodies, tights, boots, scarves, drink hot coffee. It feels so good.

I'm blessed and sometimes I forget.

I have so much love to give. So much to say. Too much to say.

When it rains, have you ever noticed how everything kind of just blurs into one big artwork? You know they're all individual things, but there's something making it all jumbled? I feel like that's how this blog is right now. Just rain in the city. Just mixing colors, emotions and feelings.

watch us fly

tonight's been such a good night.

it's cold, and I'm about to experience winter in a whole different way.

good, sentimental things are being verbally, audibly expressed to me - all around me.

I'm blessed.

It's just a test.

It feels so good when you're riding your bike in a dress. tights underneath. converse up to your ankles, backpack on, sunglasses on your head.

sitting like an outsider on the concrete with a beautiful soul.

watching everyone's spirit rise, bodies rise.

goosebumps cover your arms.

hug a neck,

exchange stories,

go help your friend paint a birdhouse,

come home and hug your mother, kiss her on the mouth

put on a baggy shirt,

go outside and be held.

shiver.

share warmth.

share words,

love,

feelings.

do this to draw closer

to each other.

thank you thank you thank you thank you

live a beautiful life

so much has happened, and I've thought about writing repeatedly, but haven't had the umph or the energy.

I want to go back to two weeks ago when I went to my family reunion and talk about how blessed my whole family is. How blessed I seem to be. My uncle talked to me for a good 30 minutes about school and how I should stop worrying about my major. I told him about how I get freaked out at the thought of college because it's a huuuge step. It's deciding the rest of my life. That scares me.

He told me that my passion will carry me.

I should take my intuition and run with it.

That I have some unknown genetic code that will lead me to where I need to be - where God intends me to be.

All of that was extremely comforting, but still.. what is my unknown genetic code? No one knows, obviously.. but that makes it tough.

But I feel like I know where I need to be. I get all of these great ideas, numerous, that I always write down, for my coffee shop that I want. Everything is right in front of me. Yet I get intimidated at the whole thought of it. But I need to trust my intuition. I need to trust God, who has all power to make things work.

Lately things have been going down, excuse me, straight down the shitter. I become stressed out at the littlest thing. I get worried about things that aren't permanent. Nothing is permanent. My friend recently told me that love isn't even permanent. My stomach tries to jump out of my throat at the thought of that, and I can't believe it. I think that love is permanent. Maybe a certain level of love isn't permanent, but love is still there. I think.

Who knows.

But even when impermanent things get you down, you just have to have the right mindset. Everything is a test. Just a test of faith.

Romans 5:3

Romans 8:18

1 Peter 4:12

I walked into Mariah's house the other day to feed her dogs.

I love her house, it's so free and open. It presents such good energy. Things are written on the walls, on the mirrors, on the cabinets. All to encourage one another.

Written on the bathroom mirror was

"If you don't have good relationships with one another, you are not living a beautiful life"

When is this not true?

It's always true. Myself, when I have problems or little tiffs with friends, it eats at me. I try to push it out of my mind and tell myself that nothing is permanent, but it still keeps my eyes open and my imagination running. Even people who aren't my "friends", I still let them get the best of me. I can become the biggest bitch because of something that an "enemy" has said. I shouldn't let them control my emotions like that. I should relax and live a beautiful life, right? I think we all should.

casimir pulaski day

driving in the country. no idea where we are, the 4 of us sing so loud. let the wind carry your hands, dance with your bracelets. stop and take some pictures. save flowers. write love notes on each others' arms. 

this song screams summers name so loud.

Golden rod and the 4-H stone 
The things I brought you 
When I found out you had cancer of the bone 

Your father cried on the telephone 
And he drove his car to the Navy yard 
Just to prove that he was sorry 

In the morning through the window shade 
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade 
I could see what you were reading 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications you could do without 
When I kissed you on the mouth 

Tuesday night at the bible study 
We lift our hands and pray over your body 
But nothing ever happens 

I remember at Michael's house 
In the living room when you kissed my neck 
And I almost touched your blouse 

In the morning at the top of the stairs 
When your father found out what we did that night 
And you told me you were scared 

Oh the glory when you ran outside 
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied 
And you told me not to follow you 

Sunday night when I cleaned the house 
I find the card where you wrote it out 
With the pictures of your mother 

On the floor at the great divide 
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied 
I am crying in the bathroom 

In the morning when you finally go 
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low 
And the cardinal hits the window 

In the morning in the winter shade 
On the first of March on the holiday 
I thought I saw you breathing 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications when I see his face 
In the morning in the window 

Oh the glory when he took our place 
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face 
And he takes and he takes and he takes