fight or flight, always fleeting

my fleeting sense of nature always gets in the way.
i never voice it to anyone who should know, but i did.
last night laying under the old quilt.
stumbling.
i talked about my fleeting sense of nature and how nothing ever works out,
i put up my warning sign,
my caution.
rambled about how i can picture myself, in reality.
i'm never that real with people, i never ever ever talk about it.
just how he can't see himself in tennessee under those tents -
we're both afraid?
neither of us fight
we run
and keep running
and one day run right back.
i always run directly back to home base.
it's always after i feel unsatisfied, or after i feel like i need some safety.
but none of this matters
because it's all small things, in the end.
everything is tiny and impermanent.
we can all do something right,
it's just small.
we're all just tiny grains
running and bumping into each other when we actually think about it.
just little microscopic beings.
and if we're that small,
nothing else even matters.

nothing at all all all all

welp. i've reached that point.
that solid breaking point that i never really thought i'd come to. i don't want to do a thing. i don't want to read or learn or write or drive or walk or run. i don't know what i'm going to do after school. really don't. as much as i hate to admit it.. i'm literally probably just going to go to my parents and chat with my brother and dad. mindlessly.
i've lost my mind and my soul.
i found out i have a 56 in psychology today and i can only think about my car and the substance inside. i can only think about how i woke up in bed this morning in just my tshirt. i can only think about how i have to fucking work tonight. im always working, and i told my managers that if it came to my grades falling, i'd have to get less hours. well. here i am. fallen grades and fallen energy and fallen .. everything.
like i do. not. care.
i really dont.
i didn't write two papers? i skipped so much class. i have a zero for a test grade. and. i have a science project due tomorrow. guess who hasn't done it?



boston better open my eyes.
the flight is going to open my eyes. '

i come home smelling like smoke literally every night. whether i'm in the action with them, or if i'm just sitting on the couch in her garage watching them fill their lungs with black venom.

gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i could vomit.
like all of my clothes are too big.
i wash them and try to get them to shrink and nothing happens. these jeans?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmafdlfl;jsafdkl;jd

i can't even formulate sentences.
can you feel this?

on the love of my life -

I can't seem to recognize what separates emotions from reflections. Or what time has to do with distance. Because a root in the ground is never uplifted without an opposite force and the only motion we are moving is towards the sun. Where she and I will always belong. Underneath the umbrella of the all-knowing power of plants and sequence of the moon. We share the same skin, the same decaying bodies. Yet while she's gliding through the tides with ease, my feet sink deeper in the clay of this city. She'll always be the only thing that makes sense, she's the edgy sort of familiarity where I'm required to balance on one foot in between one thousand miles with delicate nations on top of my shoulders. Shes the light that everyone sees gleaming from my chest. She's the goodness of god and she's peace and quiet, but recklessly untamed.

white oleanders

i never know what i want.
marry me marry me marry me
but go away for a couple of months
kiss me
but never touch me
don't ever talk to me, don't want to be around me
but consume your time with thoughts about me

i always do this
and i never like it
i always do this
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
crawling into a hole.
i always think i'll slip into some parallel universe.
or into a new city
or music will carry me above the trees
or maybe a couple of hours will do
but i'm always pulled back on my leash, back to reality.

i break i break i break

my throat hurts so bad each time i try to talk or swallow. but only when i'm alone. i like to stay distracted from my sickness. like when travis brought me the bigggest bouquet of daisies to my house yesterday, then drank tea with me at my kitchen table. or when i pick up bailey at midnight and we drive to waffle house, drink coffee until 2 in the morning on a school night, and play "My Girl" on the jukebox.

i guess in my sleepy haze, i turned off my alarm this morning. i had even premade coffee last night so this morning all i had to do was press "brew". i woke up 10 minutes before my class began 25 minutes away. needless to say, i didn't make it to my first class.

i just saw someone trip walking up the stairs :/

apparently there was an earthquake this morning in oklahoma. i was driving and didn't feel it. but my friend from Tahlequah texted me saying that people in her town felt it. so weird. i'm so oblivious sometimes.

and sometimes, i feel too small. no one else would ever think this was a problem, and i guess it's not...? but my legs? like they're sticks today, and my wrists are so bare and boney. like my fingers? i feel disgusting, and if you've never felt this way, thank your lucky stars. it's not cute, and it cannot be healthy. like my knees?

mmmm i need coffee and tylenol to ease my head.
i need to read a good book, i need to save money
and i need to eat something substantial for once in my life.

tea not fruit

today has been one of the most immaculate.
ranging from JP at church, with his irresistible white rimmed glasses and past heroine addiction, to ending the night here on my bed listening to my clothes spin in the washer.

i always talk about how i hate working at jimmy johns. literally, it's the last place i ever want to work. but it is nights like these that i love it. i worked with all of my favorite people at jjs, minus bailey. there were only four of us and we were a dream team. running a million and one deliveries and still managing to keep our sanity. i made 50 dollars in tips, despite the numerous people who failed to tip me, even when i sat in the rain for 10 minutes waiting on them.
one house i delivered to... what was the address. 1416 george? i walk up to the door and the aroma of marijuana stimulates my whole body. i knock on the door, and some long-haired, blue-eyed beauty greets me with a twenty dollar bill. i see his friends with their huge bong in the background, and i am preparing his change, when he says "don't worry about it" and closes the door. i walk away speechless and thank God over and over and over.
after a guy paid me 10 dollars in quarters, nickels and dimes, i cashed out and Katie gave me a free sandwich. i could've cried.

i think that it's on deliveries that i actually have time to think about things, spiritually. such as - why don't i make time for yoga. even in these moments when i'm just sitting in my room, mindlessly cruising on tumblr. i could be calming my body down and releasing all of the tension i can feel in my neck, down my spine, all the way to where my hips meet. my mat is here and everything.
instead i drink my cold tea with a little sugar in it and think about how i should wash my face. brush my teeth. bring my bike from my parents' over to my jones house.

my mind is always spinning.
gradually i'm travelling onward.

i remember when

all of this used to be rare. i would come here to escape. still yet, looking at this screen feels good. this home page. i shouldn't be writing. i shouldn't be distracted by tumblr, but what can i say.

it's been so many days since the last time i've felt that good.
i'm so confused, and i'm not ever sure of myself.
i need time for meditation, a little time alone.

my second roommate moved in today, and i feel so much comfort in that.
i feel like maisi has someone else to turn to now, and i like that.

i can be alone again.

all of my fall music comes on, and it's cold weather time. it's so cold, everywhere. my little space heater is working over time in this room.

i have a lunch date on saturday in my kitchen.
spaghetti with veggies. god, sometimes being vegetarian feels ten times better than i ever thought it would. i need a quick cleanse of my pallet. something new to look at, new to think about.
i can't stray away from the path i knowwww i need to keep both feet on.

there's blue paint on my ceiling now.
feels like home.

growing and burning

is there a limbo type place for the life that you're still living? i think i'm there. i'm in between what i'm used to and where i'm needing to get to. i say needing because as grown as i'll always believe i am, i'm still the smallest seed. still planted with the roots that my parents have given me.

i think about who i am, and what i do that could possibly define me. if i'm proud of all of those things, and if i'm not? why i even bother doing them. if i care? 

i love my little cove of a room, it keeps getting cozier. but it doesn't have memories of me sobbing over books. over journals even. it doesn't have any emotion yet. it's just me putting paintings on the walls to make it feel like home. and it's getting there. i can honestly say that i love my room on jones. i love that it's so close to both of my jobs. i love that both of my roommates are the most beautiful people who shine both internally and externally. they're a standard that make me want to keep going. they're two girls to be proud of. i wonder if they think the same about who i am. i wonder what they think about when i'm not around, or when they're alone. if anything. i think about our living room and all of the conversations that are going to be held there and that makes me so excited. to grow. 

to extend my roots and push myself outside of everything that's comfortable. 

everything that's safe, and easy. 

i always need a challenge. 

a challenge to stay conscious when your arm is seared in two places pulling out bread at jimmy johns. i don't know how i kept myself steady. until i ate my protein bar, that was flavored like the incense i keep in my bag, i thought i was going to have to go home from work early. ... not that they'd let me. but instead i ended up working overtime. reapplying burn cream, and looking at everyones scars from their burns, maybe this is just character being added on. 

a little crescent moon shaped brand on my arm, and a less severe one on my forearm. 

everything happens for a reason. 

this is normal. 

don't worry, and feel free. 

broaden your horizons. keep your roots grounded, but continue to grow towards the sunlight.