you

tuck me in, and wrap your everlasting arms around me.

tell me of your love, and tell me how we are all together.

tell me it's okay

remind me that it's in your hands.

reread every book to me.

instill in me your love.

keep me warm, but cool

keep me safe and secure

you're my honor

you're the bigger picture.

matthew

mark

luke

you're the bigger picture.

you're love. you're mercy and grace and purity and goodness.

you're whole.

let your light shine through me,

through every circulation,

every motion, every word.

you're love.

and everlasting.

why not me?

we've been talking. i've been telling him how mexico is his home, how he belongs there.

he's been on my mind the past week. we've been talking.

today, he sees me in the hall and he hugs me. we talk for a good two minutes and i retreat to the art room. the first time i had talked to him in person since november. i couldn't stop chewing and peeling and scratching my lips.

he's been on my mind.

tonight he texts me "hii :)" and we talk. he's not happy.

he's so stressed, and my heart breaks. he doesn't feel okay with school, it's not for him, and i know this. kelsey knows this. after seeing him in mexico, it's apparent that he doesn't belong here. i asked what his motivation was and he said "i have none.." he has nothing to live for here, and it's breaking me. i reach out to him. i tell him to lay it out for me. to pour it on top of me, and he does. it breaks me even further.

he thanks me and thanks me for listening, for giving him time.

then he just starts apologizing for everything he did. and i can't take it. he's telling me how good and loyal i was, and how he hasn't forgiven himself.. what do i do? like, what can i say?

he tells me that i'm a girl he doesn't want out of his life for any reason. that he knows it's his fault for our growing apart, and he's sorry. he keeps apologizing.

he keeps telling me how i didn't deserve it.

i don't know what to say. ever. i dont.

all i know to say is to learn from it... it had to be someone.

catching up, updating.

getting sleepy.

"will you sing me to sleep?"

"sure :) which song?"

"mm, something sleepy and easy"

"mmm how abouttt.. for the widows in paradise? :) i've been playing that on guitar lately"

shit.

feathers with the stars and planets

the stars is one thing i miss most about living in a quiet, country town. the stars were so illuminated in my well-lit neighborhood made me feel safe. sort of like it was the single feather i needed on my floor.

today was one of the longest days, but it was such a good day. lets see.

this morning, after scurrying to get dressed and freshened, i drove to mariah's house to have breakfast with her. walking through her already unlocked front door, being greeted by her little dog with the fastest moving tail i've ever seen, i walked to her bedroom door and shook the handle. i guess she sleeps with her door locked. i tapped my index finger on the door, hoping she'd hear me and wake up. she unlocked the door and jumped right back into bed and covered herself with her covers. we layed there talking and giggling until we decided that we wanted waffles with peanut butter and syrup. we gathered ourselves to leave her heat box of a room to find frozen waffles and to make hot tea. cocoa chai. we ate in her house alone, watching transvestite trash shows. we cleaned our plates in the sink. she went to get her gift from zula and we made her healing moon tea. tasted like chamomile.

church by 12, there until 2.

went to see the spud hallways at school, and they're looking so good.

drove to meet my dad at the mall to get my mom's more than deserving birthday gift. geeze.

i tried to go home at 3, but Marge was still inside and i always hate being in my house while she's cleaning. i feel like i need to talk to her, and i hate that feeling. so i stayed in my car, played bon iver and read Eat, Pray, Love - which i'm rereading. i can't ever get enough. i forgot how much i love it. how well she writes, and how well i feel like i can understand her. my windows were rolled down, and i could've fallen asleep if it weren't for the cop that pulled up to stare at me, as if i were doing something suspicious. i'm sorry, but this is my front yard. proceeeeeeed.

zac, dad, kayli and i all hung out in my kitchen/dining area waiting for my mom to get off work to eat dinner. it was so comfortable and so nice to laugh and not be annoyed. when my mom got home, we sat down for dinner and the words "just turn it off" came out of my dads mouth, referring to the tv. if you know anything about my family, this speaks a million leagues. we sat there. no one had their phone out, and we had dinner. we talked and enjoyed each other. i think that was the first time it had ever happened, sadly. honestly.

after dinner, i got coffee with kayli where we saw kyle. i've written about him before; the guy at starbucks who's also a student at occc? i never knew his name until tonight. we left kyle with his dreams of green beer and free queso and went to youth.

on the way to youth, kayli and i somehow got on the subject of the mysteries of life. how it's so strange that we're here. that we have full days and that we're here. "it's beyond me". how we view christianity differently than my youth pastor. i honestly don't think that my God, the one that only requires us to recklessly love, would send us to hell for saying and supposed "cuss word". how in maturing, i feel like i'm more comfortable in my faith. it's not a set of rules, it's.. hard to explain, but it's something you just feel compelled to do. it's not strict, it's just to love. it feel so good to feel that freedom. i remember being young and literally fearing God. i was terrified of all of the doom that could come of disobeying my parents, or anything of that sort. i told kayli about how in my book, the author describes God as being anything you believe, it could take on whatever name, whatever pronoun, because it's however it speaks to you most. and that openness? is something i feel like i've always been reaching for.

after youth, i went home and grabbed a diet coke and drove to mariah's house for 'movie night' with her michael and bailey. since it was about 9, we didn't have time to watch donnie darko, but we watched the real world and all complained about the red-headed bitch who whines more than maisi's manic depressive dog. geeze. when momma decided to go to bed, the four of us went to get drinks at classics and michael paid for all of our drinks :) we drove around campus, constantly controlling the heater of bailey's car and finally made it back to mariahs room. her warm, always cozy room. we sat there until we absolutely had to leave, and we never wanna leave. sulphur in two days, copeland in two weeks. mmm.

i drove home on empty roads which i always love, and came home to a quiet house. clean.

one feather on the floor.

the stars are aligning.

and the planets,

and i don't know why the watertower reminded me of you.

i don't know why i'm so compassionate sometimes. it surprises even me.

i hope his heart is overwhelmingly full.

i hope i never stop smelling like cocoa chai,

and i hope you're always this good. this happy. this abundant. the longer the text about your love for mexico and those children, the more i want you to stay. the more i want you to move to uganda, the more i want to go with you. it's worth it. worth the single feather on the floor.

selfless

never want you to leave. never want you to leave. never.

i want to be close to so many people so distant.

i'm so aware of every inch of myself, and i've been on tumblr for literally the past hour. i'm to the point where facebook makes me sick again, and i just want to lay in bed. sleeeep with my pillow THAT'S IN MY CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR i just remembereedddddd

:'( shit.

anyways...

the trees are starting to bloom, and there are fresh dandelions in your kitchen.

we all need new skin,

the end of our hibernation with our heaters and layers.

time to start showing our shoulders again, and i'm more than ready.

cosi e la vita

my ipod is frozen, of course.

tried to download avatar and there's just noise. i could care less about what they're saying half the time. i just want to live there. there on pandora.

i lost an hour of sleep. not that i notice.

my nose.

my lip.

my knee.

rick fairless' strokers

and sometimes i just get the urge to write,

not on here, but on paper

with a pen that's always by my bed, and the notebook i started in 2005.

i'm not even halfway through.

but of course, i'm so far away from that.

at the worst moment.

just wanna write.

in this long sleeved, tye dye shirt with a huge skull on the back.

haha, yeahhhh, it's been quite a day.

hey dallas

was supposed to get my sun today, right on the back of my neck. 2 months shy of 18. instead, i passed out right outside of a harley davidson store with my dad and brother. and a million bikers. i face planted into the concrete and i have scrapes and bruises, a torn up lip, and a cut nose to prove. you can’t feel the throbbing, but it happens. i don’t remember what ever happens when i pass out, except the warm relaxed feeling i always get. i spin, like i’m dreaming, and i wake up. this time, in a chair with my dad yelling my name, a biker putting cookies in my hands. “i’m sorry” was all i could get out. my dad kept shaking me, and, “i want to lay down”. i stumbled to the car and that’s when i couldn’t stop crying. not because my face was bleeding, not because my toes were scraped, but because it’s so annoying that my body just shuts off. just restarts and throws me down, face-first. it scares whoever i’m with, i hate it. because of this, the whole day was sort of weird, and i didn’t want to eat or anything. i miss monica and mariah and my bed. and i miss my comfortable house. my body aches.

wheat grass

yanno, i think about summer and i keep pushing.

i think about this weekend, and i keep pushing.

i think about what i'll be wearing which is little, and i think about how my hair will continue to grow and my heart and my friendships with you and the new ones i still seem to be creating. i don't know how i create some so easily, and some are so adamant about leaving. adamant. reckless. they're so ready, but i'm okay. as long as you leave silently. just you, because we were unhealthy.

i'm glad that this is so small. no one knows about it besides a handful of people. i think i've told a person or two who's forgotten, and i don't even mind. people come and they go like memories. like clothes that you wear and let go of.

i went to his house today after lunch and he was working on his car. i park in the street and get out and walk up to him. do i hug him? do i not? "hiiiii" he was wearing a pinkish/purple shirt with stripes. it was like we had known each other for so long, it was so easy. he shows me what's under his hood, and he points out what he made. additions to his engine? i don't even know. it's like a foreign language. we look at monica, "wanna drive my car?" we get in and he has to adjust the seat because i'm 5'2. he's 6'0. we drive around his neighborhood, and we get back and he parks my car next to his. he tells me he's the only one home and i comment on his house, he tells me he'll give me a tour. we walk in and he mentions the couch they got recently, then points out the couch they used to use which just happens to be a laid over punching bag. he walks me down the hall to his room, pushes open the door and comments on how he ran out of paint as he was painting his walls. also about how he started to paint his door, but hated the color. hated. "it's okay, admit it looks dumb". sharing the same wall was his sister's room, he reached for the handle, closing the door, and comments on how she's never here. he shakes his head, and says he's always sleeping at her boyfriends. he keeps shaking his head. we walk back outside and just talk until i have to leave for class. old friends, plans, the sun, skateboarding? his class, grades, occc. i get in my car and start it, and he reaches up to grab his garage door. pulls it down, and it was so easy.

mantra

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

still a new dawn

there is so much peace and contentment running through me and washing over everyone holding me up.

this is a new year. there's no doubt that everything about it is completely different than last year. it's march, and it's still continuing to be refreshing. i'm so excited to graduate, and it's not because i get to leave all of the negativity around me, or because of the people, it's because i'm ready to grow in a completely different level. Thinking about how everyone is going to move in different directions used to make me want to cry for days. but now when i think about it, it's so exciting. we're all going in different areas to learn different things regarding a million different things, and we get to share it with everyone when we're all reunited. we're going to treasure everyone more, and we're going to keep growing. we're going to have space and we're going to be blessed.

realize how lucky you areeeeee.