fdjkal;

why

did

you

go

to

sleep
?

both of you.

here we are

yanno, sometimes i just sit here and stare at nothing. i feel really pathetic when my answer to the question "what are you looking at?" is "nothing".

I miss you, and sometimes I wonder if you still read these? I see pictures of you from time-to-time on facebook, and I wonder about you. You and your happiness, as usual. You seem different when I attempt to talk to you, which is only natural because that's the human nature, but it's weird.
so weird.

I'd rather be on here or on tumblr than anywhere else.
http://spinninghands.tumblr.com/
I'm addicted, I think.

I've spent this whooollleeee weekend here at my brother's house. Laughing, eating, exercising, etc. School has been out since Thursday, and it hasn't ended yet. I've been wearing this same dumb sports bra for days now. Pink/purple/orange. cute, right? Yeah. That and my stupid purple shorts. This is lounging. This is having no life. However, I have to actually show my face to humanity tomorrow when I have an orthodontist appointment.
I'm acting like I've been sitting in this same place for 3 years. My sister and I have rarely even been home. :/


I miss you sometimes. You can still call me, yanno.

black boots

there's no school today - I found out at 7:23 this morning when my dad came to tell me.

welcomeeee, Ice Storm!

There isn't school tomorrow either. Cancelled.

Good things, things I'm thankful for:

jasmine tea

this couch in the corner of my living room

God and my growing relationship with him

the handful of people i feel will never leave me

my dog snoring

incense

good music

sisters that you weren't born with

shelves full of books

feeling relaxed and okay

corduroys that are almost too big for you

genuine smiles and laughs

not feeling guilty

the things we won't ever discover

the fact that our eyes see constant images; they aren't as broken photographs

your faith in me

developing relationships

Delaney & Dwayne

not showering for days

not wearing make up

covered wrists

yesterdays notes on your hand

holding hands

how you don't fit in my car

the stream of consciousness - how that's a funny word to spell. how i use "funny" as a relative adjective. it always changes meaning due to context.

my blog and how it keeps my mind in the right track

reading verses about the sun

deleting people from facebook and still feeling liberated after 2 months

coexisting

being 'that girl' that sings to herself in the hallway

smiling and people thinking you're an idiot because you're always alone

being comfortable in your own skin

knowing you're always there for me

knowing you're not alone

knowing you're safe.

safety.

comfort.

being awake; feeling alive

having words to say,

a voice.

sitting backwards in your bed, staring at the wall

you knowing where I'm at because you're there too

thinking of chad and alan recording acoustically together?

remembering your visits to my house to cheer me up

you running to my house in your funny patterns to give me a snowcone without a straw.

remembering riding bikes

memories

being genuine

chanel

bare fingers

the way your skin turns purple when you're cold

wearing old shirts

safety.

being comfortable enough with you to speak naturally

how we continue to grow into each other

old music

self-control

1 Peter 4:15

having faith in a higher power

hearing you praying

hearts exploding

your passion and love for everything

the fact that you're in heaven in his room with a book

i don't want to leave this spot.

FLY

God, your will be done.

i'm glad we can talk openly about these things. it seems so clear - what you've blessed me with, what you've placed in front of me.

Your will be done.

lifestream

they played Healer. Thank you, God.

Your Love Never Fails

Chris Quilala

thank you, Alan Pate.

it's on repeat.

three chapters

sometimes I get so weary of reading. books, text messages, song titles. I just want to sleep.

I'm not even tired.

There's something about being required to read a book that makes you not want to read it. There's also the fact that the book is beyond complex, forcing you to actually have to process and think about what's written down on the pages. I'm sitting against a wall, window over my left shoulder, the light shines on my pages and creates a shadow off my thumbs. a yellow shadow.

Its cold by this door.

I've been clenching my jaw - it's tight, and my head is starting to hurt.

I sit here next to my book and I watch the people walk by these back aisles. Some of them make me want to cry. The little boy wearing jeans and his leather jacket. Dirty blonde hair; he's walking alone. Shoulders slumped. Save Your Scissors comes on and I bury my head in my knees that are up to my chest.

I feel like I'm pulling my weight along sometimes.

We are all in this together.

"Nothing's changed but our outlook."

You're right.

I've watched the sunset, and I've only read three chapters.

passionately loving

a prayer is constantly on my lips.

i'm always thanking and always awake.

i'm conscious.

I have been blessed with the most beautiful people I could ask for. I've known some for years now, and some I feel like I've known for years. We are all growing together. We are all figuring it out, helping each other tie in the missing knots. Some things are hazy, but be thankful.

Everything happens for a reason.

I haven't felt this loved, or this much in love, in a while.

It's a different sort of love. It's so deep, I can feel it.

We all have different ways of expressing love. Different languages.

Words are more than enough. There aren't enough words sometimes.

Fan the flames.

I am living, I am alive.

I am thankful.

and your heart is golden.

nothing is impossible for You

My body is dead, my eyes are heavy.

But my spirit is gleaming and completely alive.

You've always heard that God will fill your cup to where it is overflowing. To where you can't contain it. There I am. Here I am. Overflowing, no words will describe.

Journey Camp was beyond what I needed. I think that it's so much more meaningful and important because one of the closest people to my soul, Mariah Gillespie, went with me and cried with me. Held my hand, slept close to me, read Ephesians with me.

The messages were awesome and completely relevant and encouraging. They made you think about what you're actually doing with your life. If you're really living extraordinarily.

"I believe You're my portion.

I believe You're more than enough for me."

The worship got me. I cried, and tears wouldn't stop. My heart was quenched and He is all I need. I was stupid to ever run away. Not necessarily running, but straying. Being caught by things that were interesting, yet not healthy.

Kari Jobe.

I can't stop crying.

I mean it when I say that I am overflowing.

I want to keep this forever -

"I love you so much Casey. You're my sister and I will never turn from you. Joyfully we will go forth together to spread all mercy and love to everything we are faced with. I believe in God and in God's will so I believe in us and our power, together and apart. Thank you for walking with me, know that God is yours always. I love you so much, dream of holy things"

Mariah.

The More I Seek You.

I wish I could explain. Put into words, but there aren't enough.

Nothing can come to mind that will even partially give my emotions credit.

not credit - i don't know the words.

I don't think that we realize what a holy, sacred thing our religion is most of the time. How precious and vital it is to living. I've always appreciated, but nothing like this.

Khalil, Nick, Mariah and I - we're all closer.

Everyone has something new and fresh inside of them. We have to continue to feed the flames that are so obviously burning inside of us.

We have to remember to be lights, and to boldly go.

We have to have mercy and understanding.

Firm foundation.

Thank you, God for this clarification this week.

Everything.

It's so deep and I don't ever want to lose grip.

winter riding

last night:

I had dinner with my parents which I always love. Then I picked up Marisa and went to a surprise birthday party at McFarlin. I felt sort of bad because I just sort of ate cake, hung out with Marisa, Kelsey and Kathryn, then left to meet Nick.

After a long long long long time of sitting in my car listening to music and just talking, we finally decided to go longboarding. We being Nick, Cassidy, Khalil and myself.

Cassidy, underestimating my longboarding abilities, gave me the worrstttt board that I've ever tried to ride. There was no coasting, nothing. You had to constantly be pumping your leg so you didn't come to a complete stop. After realizing how terrible the board was, Nick and I got bikes. We rode all around Brookhaven.

It was a perfect night for this until about 11:30 when it got cold.

Cassidy's board got stuck in a crack in the road, and his body kept going. He ended up skinning his knee and cutting open his two ring fingers.

Khalil wore a snowboarding helmet to protect himself from seizures.

Came home, curled up in my hoodie and sweatpants.

slept.

Tonight, Mariah and I are going to Winter Camp with Journey. I think it'll be good for both of us.

it's okay

I haven't forgotten about this one.

I scheduled my quartz audition today.

January 30 2-4:30

I need to start writing.

Also for my application into SCAD.

Mmm. Today was the last day of first semester. Tuesday, when we go back to school, I'll get my last high school schedule of my life. I also start my third class of my college career on Tuesday. World Music at 1:30, History at 3:00.

God, thank you for the A's I'll be getting.

I beat myself up for the C I got in government. I think I cared way more than my parents did.

Did I tell you I got my first speeding ticket on Monday? School zone. I have ... almost a week now to pay it. I need to get on that before I have a warrant out for my arrest. Hahaha, that's funny.

I wrote this today -

open eyes
searching, trying to discover the ultimate mystery -
the end of the journey.
most important journey
pushed and pulled by the hands
that keep a tight grasp; always.
never letting go, i find myself forgetting.
always pushing it back.
replaced by nonsense, creating a fog.
hazily traveling
keep me close.
like the thickness of the cold.
bitter cold, biting the tips of your fingers
and the surfaces that
used to know familiarity.
remember familiarity?
the ease of sliding out of the ocean
into the
sun.
squint your eyes,
narrow the vision.
it's always easy
until the unsettling cold.
lonely.
eyes wide.
searching.
just rest and remember,
but our eyes are still wide.

families of the earth shall be blessed

"I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed"

Genesis 12:3

this is january

This weekend;

I had lunch with Shu, something I really think I needed. It was so comfortable. She's a small group leader at Journey that somehow I can really connect with her. We met around 11:45 and we didn't end up leaving McAlister's until 1:15ish? I was sort of expecting it to be a "I'm a youth leader, so let me shove all of this God stuff down your throat" sort of thing, but it was just like two friends being...friends. I was so surprised at how she openly let me into her history, too. She told me about her senior year struggles, and how she's going through the same thing right now because it's her senior year in college. Schools, scholarships, the big "whatcha gonna do with your life??" question that is set on replay, etc. All of the above.

I felt so nice knowing she trusted me with her life.

Her problems. Her funny relationship issues.

How strangely similar we are?

Yet we can learn so much from each other.

I really feel like we're both going to grow from this.

Charlotte came yesterday with her little sister Lulu. The three of us started a movie on my dad's laptop - Jennifer's Body. Weirdest movie I've seen in some time.

Brooke came, then Mariah.

We made more dream catchers.

I love being so close to each one of them.

Play date with Mariah and Bryce today. Got coffee, and watched the most awkward break up while sitting in starbucks. Saw Bailey. Drove home.

Wrote a paper.

Combed all of the stupid rats out of my hair,

and realized that I like never seeing him.

almost forgetting that he exists.

I like that.

why am i awake.

Today, I was completely uplifted.

Not only because it was Friday, or because I was excited for my date with my sister and her friend Jock, but because I made my first latte.

Theresa got me this bag of coffee beans from Grey Owl this year for Christmas. They've been staring at me, wanting me to make something of them.

Why not today?

Long story short - I put the milk in the completely wrong place to make froth.

Milk explosion. It was incredibly hot milk, at that. All over my kitchen.

My being home alone made it even more funny, I think. Charlotte's mom, who was on the phone with me, ironically, was yelling at me to rinse the whole thing with hot water so my espresso maker wasn't destroyed.

Hmm. The coffee was delicious though! And very... eye-opening. I think it was laced.

I talked to Ruben, face to face, sort of. Via Skype. First time since he left in June. I miss him.

I'm rejoining gymnastics.

I still have to finish my SCAD application. Whether my parents allow me to go or not, I'm still going to follow through with applying.

Lunch with Shu Cho tomorrow. Charlotte comes tomorrow with Lulu.

Gonna be a good weekend.

again?

You keep proving your character.

That your heart is ten times smaller than I believed it to be.

I had faith in you.

axis on a tilt

I just like holding hands.

hows it gonna be

there aren't many songs i'd cry over.

but some just hit all the places

that ease my whole body

relieves me

and completes my sentences -

reads my thoughts.

just thought out at the breakfast table,

over oatmeal that you

feed your dog

with two ritz crackers.

how's it gonna be when

we all realize that

we are all in this

together.

linked tightly and

united

no one is alone in this.

left or right?

what happened to when i was talking to marisa and I was completely okay with being alone. I was so sure.

I'm still okay with being alone.

I think, anyway.

I was so positive that I didn't want him in my life at all. I was completely okay. He messaged me on facebook - yeah, fucking personal, right? Tells me about how he went to the Tech bowl game. He used smileys and was like "have a good dayyyyy" PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE. What more can I do? Should I even be blaming him for me missing him?

I literally had to argue with myself about texting him tonight.

"God, I miss you. Who you used to be to me."

Exactly.

Who he used to be. He's changed. He was always so good at charming and lying and putting on this faceeeee. Nooooooo. Dude, go away.

I can do better. I know this.

Is this me just wanting to go back to something familiar? I always say humans do that. I believe it. But I think maybe it's still so new. Who am I trying to kid about it being okay?

No, i really feel okay about it 95% of the time.

Until he messages me like we're friends. Like we had no history. Like I didn't give him my greatest gift, like he didn't turn around and share himself with his ex-girlfriend who already smirks at me in the hallway because she knows.

Go away.

What's wrong with packing everything up and going somewhere distant?

I'd miss a few people. Mostly my family, honestly.

Sometimes I am so sure that I am so strong.

I keep being tested. I have to have self-control.

Where are the fruits of the spirit?

Hold on.

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Do I really have to do something like write it on my arms everyday to remember them?

I'll do it if I have to.

I have to.

Thank God for rest and peace of mind.

I made a dreamcatcher.

and a tumblr.

http://spinninghands.tumblr.com/

not again.

I don't want to miss you.

I want you to continue to be absent in my life.

Please, stay out.

coming to an end

College is such a big thing all of a sudden.

My dad talked to me for about two hours tonight about what I should do - to sum it up.

I'm torn.

between what my parents want for me, and what I truly feel passionate about. Maybe I've always had the wrong mindset?

I am so confused.

I don't know where to let myself go. Where to even aim.