skinny love

sometimes all i can see when i close my eyes is the way i rode my bike past truman. i remember the way it felt and how it was sort of hard to go up that little slight hill. i need my bike air pump. whatever. he neds his english book. sometimes i see him and wonder if he sees me. i don't know that i really care, but i still wonder. he looks so proud and so different. he doesn't look the same. maybe he always has. his big black coat. his tiny white car, it's all so different. a big part of me loves it. i hope he doesn't talk about me. i don't want to be in his stories. his friends still wave at me, except for the girls who just sort of make sure i'm wearing weird things. they all look me up and down. every single time. or they glare at me. three more months. just three. not even. sometimes i don't know if i can make it, and other times when i think about it, my chest sort of caves in and my heart stops. three months. ill also be eighteen. i'll be legal. i'll be nearly grown. i feel different than i did two years ago, i really do feel like i've changed. especially in my writings. i was so straight forward and sure. now i'm constantly second guessing every action. i sort of like that better sometimes. i think it's strengthening. i love that i've kept journals for 5 years. i like that even when i was little liked to write. i wrote backwards on our furniture when i was young. i would write my moms name of all things. i've always admired her. there's something about her that makes me want to cry. i could cry. everyone is growing. everyone is moving and changing and transforming. it's weird to think about what's in front of my. where i'm headed and where i'll be in even 5 months. that's nothing. 5 months? in four months Ruben is staying in oklahoma. i. cannot. wait. he's going to make this summer so much better. ruben, the ocean, possibly waka, definitely many roadtrips, new memories and saying goodbye. i won't be able to do it. last night was so warm, i want you all to stay right by me. two hours even seems so far away. i don't know, i think we can do it. i don't know.

frozen jellyfish

february 23

mariah was born 18 years ago today.

it's been an all around good day. i've been constantly surrounded by good, beautiful people and kind hearts. from the morning i stepped out of my garage until this moment. sitting on this cheetah-printed chase lounge.
i don't ever want this comfort to leave or flee from these bones.

driving in michael's tiny orange mustang with 3 of the most perfect people. such a comfort. daydreaming about when we're going to be on the highway together again going to Copeland's farewell tour. listening to copeland. singing. harmonizing. we were all so happpyyyy.

dreaming of the sun on our skin, the time we're going to get to tulsa.

how we're going to cry.

the sky's going to be pitch black on our way home.

i don't want to become frozen jellyfish.

catch my dreams

today didn't feel like friday. i woke up in a different room. i woke up to my internal clock, 57 minutes before my alarm was set to wake me up.

funny dreams that felt so real.

Dwayne's birthday party in third hour, i wasn't there much. either copying CLC pages or visiting mariah. she gave me two grape tomatoes in exchange for two cookies.

:) mmm.

i had a two hour nap, and i still feel like i could sleep until my eyes won't even open anymore.

i broke off whatever alan and i had. because i honestly feel like i'm supposed to be alone. he understood that at first, then it got too far. we got too close, and i felt uneasy about it. i have to learn to follow my heart. i've never learned how to do that, even after awhile of realizing it's a problem of mine.

i'm sorry if that flaw of mine has hurt you.

know that.

in sweatpants and my 80s tennis shirt, i wish i were with you in new york city. you're completely blessed beyond recognition, and this is exactly what you needed. i'm praying for you always. i feel like i haven't seen nor talked to you in days, but we've talked at least a little bit ever since the day you left.

i'm so tired. my fingers barely move, but i felt like i needed to write.

i am surrounded by webs and feathers. marking every corner of my room.

for you

i hope you're enjoying new york city. i really think it'll be everything you need it to be. space, interesting things to give you inspiration, and a time to rest. i'm so glad you went, even though i know i'm going to feel empty without you to be my lunch partner tomorrow. we've gone every thursday for the longest time. you're experiencing the business of new york city. tonight youll see what i meant when the lights on times square are blinding. but those hotels really put in the right blinds. closing them is like hiding the sun, and it's amazing. youll notice how cars still honk outside your window at 2 in the morning. i hope you read this and it gives you rest.

"while we were friends"

basically broken up with, i can't tell if i should rejoice or feel broken. a wrote a note to someone i used to consider my best friend. i poured out every emotion in 7 pages. i gave it to her, left it on her backpack. it was everything that had been laying on me. heavily. i get no response whatsoever. when i question if she read it, her words exactly were, 'yes i did. sorry i'm at workkk'. understandable, so i don't respond. no response. no word. until this morning. of course it was this morning because this morning was the worst i've had in i couldn't tell you how long. started off waking up from an awful dream that i could've cried from. i woke up feeling dirty and used and abused. i felt disgusting. living in that haziness that morning, i slammed my finger in my dresser door. made funny tasting coffee. hit my head - yeah, i know - on the door frame of my garage. sort of just drove unknowingly to school. parked. walked into the art room with frozen fingers like i do every morning. mariah michael bailey brooke. after small talk of the morning, the first bell rings. she hands me a note written on old, faded paper. she designed the trim. hand drawn in pen. it was then that i received the most demeaning, bitter response letter i think i've ever gotten. she used the words 'while we were friends'. and signed out, 'bye.'

i'm confused. did i just lose a 'best friend'? or did i lose a friend all together? i didn't know how to respond, so i just sat there looking at my collage. do i text her, write a response, hunt her down and pour out every word that can't explain what i'm thinking? can't explain my confusion.

i saw heather tonight at lifestream and i tell her that i had been broken up with, basically. she jokes around, and is shocked when i tell her that i feel as though she really has ended everything we ever knew together. we conclude that because of her personality, it'd be better to act sooner than later. i'm more of a "ride it out and see where it goes" kind of girl, but sometimes God places me in these positions for a reason.

as mariah and i are sitting in my driveway after lifestream, i get a text saying

'hey i think i'm just going to start riding with kimi to school'

i just sort of pause and mariah tells me i just have to jump into it or i never will.

i wouldn't.

i responded,

'can i call you?'

no response.

guess that's goodbye...?

today,

I've finally accepted that

i'm afraid of commitment.

of any sort.

remember

picking you up from econolodge hotel after my birthday dinners i attended.

going to walmart and buying the junk food we barely even ate.

getting to my empty house at about 10:30 and making your scrumptious mac and cheese you're so good at preparing.

eating it while watching Paper Hearts and slowly letting our eyes get heavy.

looking at each other, rubbing our heads, claiming how we're old women. how we're always tired extremely early.

chip dog.

waking up dozens of times in the night, suffocatingly hot.

waking up; 'no laughing in the morning' with sleepy smiles smeared across our faces

walking into my kitchen and making orange cinnamon rolls - 8 of them.

sitting on my couch for 2 hours, eating every single one of our cinnamon rolls, watching america's next top model like i do every saturday of my life.

finally putting on jeans and our hoodies to go get the valentines day cake for my parents who were out of town. we slept alone in my empty house.

making a pit stop at atomic pop?

getting back and not wanting to stay inside because it was 55 degrees that day.

back in my car, drive to your house.

go to the beadery. take pictures with diana, chitty chat with theresa.

a woman asked if i was reese's sister.

crawl back into monica, sip from the big white cup we filled with water.

drive.

decide to go knock on the door of the four-story house we've always admired.

we just ran out of scooby snacks............ we ate all 1o.

pull into the driveway of that house. park my car.

it's an apartment building sort of house. they all share a main door. the one that was swung wide open. there was a porch swing, and you kept telling me you thought the house was haunted.

approach the door, knock, ring the doorbell. no one answers. maybe another day.

leaving, turning onto berry -

"he's cute.... TAYLOR!"

following him, honking and smiling in our big sunglasses. yours made of antique glass, mine reflective. you gave them to me.

driving baaaackkk and forrrttth watching him wash his car. we had so much time, why not creep on him? we did this about 6 times to be exact.

finally deciding to go to our first mcdonalds pee break of the day.

afterwards deciding that we need to go to the asian market in the city.

stop for gas and squishies as my brother always calls them.

driving up there with the windows down, wind through our hair.

meeting kyler in the parking lot.

walking through the market at all of the colors, all of the pushy people, all of the duck heads and pork hearts. the cooked octopus.

kyler tried to get the little pores to suction to his finger, haha.

leaving, we followed kyler to his house in yukon to get the presents he had for you.

'just 15 minutes away.'

?

30 minutes later, arriving at his house, you get a bracelet with a little red bird sewn on.

he was late for church.

we headed back to norman after our second mcdonalds pee break of the day.

in the midst of driving, we get a call from michael. he's with kathleen and graham.

dinner in bricktown with all of them. ryan josh graham kathleen gab michael you me.

chilenos.

after dinner and conversation,

gab asking kathleen about her tattoo on her ankle,

we leave.

we walk back to my car we paid 8 dollars to park.

michael follows me in his little orange mustang to the gas station.

we pee. again.

you get in his car and we depart for the first time in 24 hours.

he takes you home safely on I-35.

I drive right on through to noble to meet kayla - colby's girlfriend.

in terri's kitchen, my phone breaks. drops to the floor and the screen is fried. it's okay, just a phone.

follow zac and kayli back to their house to get the blackberry.

my eyes are so heavy. i'm weary.

kayli and i go to walmart and buy redvines and a valentines card.

we drive back.

i'm home by 12.

i don't remember falling asleep.

i don't remember getting into bed.

i remember him telling me that celia approves. who's celia?