no title fits this

It feels funny to sit backwards in your bed.

I was out of my house for the first time in forever today.

God, it felt so good to go somewhere.

never ending

There aren't any feminine winter clothes.

They're all so thick and heavy. I cut the necks of t-shirts so I feel better about wearing them.

I hate t-shirts.

I wear this Earthbound shirt more than anything else, it seems like.

I'm okay with winter until I remember summer. spring. fall, even.

feeling light and showing skin.

wearing jeans because you want to, not because they're warmer than wearing a skirt.

i always have to leave my house wearing shoes now.

i have to be okay with winter.

Oklahoma's expecting snow again tonight.

I have to learn to appreciate it or winter will seem even longer.

ignore this

I always see a light.

I have a conscience and sometimes I just wish I could be bitch and not care.

Why do I have to apologize?

I don't care if you're done with her. Stop apologizing to me. It doesn't matter anymore.

College makes me nervous and I don't want to think about scholarships. I have to. My dad thinks, and has already decided that the first two years of college, I'm going to o-trip. But when I told my mom about applying to SCAD and how I'm supposed to send in references, she told me that as much as she hates to think about me leaving, she thinks that I'd love it.

Thank you for some reassurance. For making me feel less guilty about wanting to leave Oklahoma for more opportunities. OU, as much as you want me to believe, does NOT have the same perks as an arts school.

I want to kiss someone. To love someone and be loved.

fdajklf;jdkag;jkal;fjkdla;fjkdal

where did all of my bracelets go? i miss summer and painting on the basketball court. under the tree. using my bike as my transportation. picnics. i miss staying up late, alone, and not waking up early. sleepovers. i miss sleepovers. cold coffee and driving with mariah listening to music. i miss adventuring with brooke and amee after a spontaneous sleepover.

i hate facebook, i don't want your drama.

i want to read and never look up.

i don't want a cellphone. i want to be free and let go of everything.

i miss chorale. honestly.

i want to meet writers in georgia. i want to drink out of huge cups with coffee in them. where did that go? two months ago. where did that go.

give me something good.

scad college, savannah, georgia

God, please.

I want to go to SCAD so bad.

I never really considered it for myself, but I researched everything today because application was free. The writing program?

You get internships with magazines, publishing houses and newspapers. Careers after graduation? Blogger, editor, freelance writer..

PLEASE, God.

If I've done anything right in your eyes, let them accept me and let the government give me financial aide.

Please.

tracing

First editing job today.

I edited an application for a friend of mine, Gracie, also the leader of the bible study Kelsey and I used to go to. She's trying to get into Medical Humanities at OU.

I have complete faith in her getting in. She has the purest heart I've known. She can say more about her love for God and her love and compassion for others by not saying a word. Her presence in a room gives the whole area a glow and a sense of security. There's something about her that you can't help but notice. Her essays in her application reinforced all of that, only put it more beautifully in her own words.

I used to dream of being an editor. There was a point in my life where all I wanted to do was sit down and read a book. I would get completely lost in the worlds of romance where everything was perfect, women flew alone to foreign countries leaving their husbands to cheat on them. I loved getting to the point where I could almost predict the characters. Getting to the end of the book and you're so full you could cry. I never wanted to leave that and I thought the only real dream, besides becoming a professional reader, would be to become an editor. Think about it. I'd always be reading and I could always be thinking and using my English brain. It would be perfect. I'm still not sure if that's what I want to do or not. I can see myself doing that before I'd become an english teacher. I hate speaking, I think I've said that before. I'm awful at it. I get nervous, embarrassed, and I forget my train of thought. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it.

Today, numerous times, the whole concept of "you have to lose something to realize who you are" came up and was brought to my attention. Talking to Melanie and telling Mariah about how I honestly think that the end of Collin and I's relationship was more of a blessing than the 10 months we had together. I talked to him today about normal things, sort of. Begun with a "hi" from his end. I'll probably end up being his friend, like I do everyone.

I will always forgive you.

As much as I say I don't want to surround myself with someone like him, I'll probably be nice enough to smile at him in the halls or something. It's too much energy to keep having negative thoughts about the whole situation. Negative thoughts toward him. A part of me is even thankful for the whole situation. I don't for a second wish that he hadn't ever been a part of my life. This whole scenario taught me so much about relationships, high school, and myself that I'm glad it happened. It's worth the extensive repair it took to mend my aching body. The body that was curled into a ball in tears. Aching. I'm glad it happened.

When I was at Charlotte's this past week, I got to her house and after the normal, never-ending hug with Charlotte, her mom hugged me. She told me that just knowing I was coming brightened her whole day and that my arrival made her happier. She was really glowing. :)

That meant so much.

We were sitting in the kitchen talking, the three of us, and Patty asked if I were happier. If the whole break up had settled in and if I was okay with it. I explained to her about my journey through the whole thing. About how I know myself better now than I did while I was involved with him. She told me that she noticed I had overcome it. She said I was back to my normal, happy and genuine self.

It means SO much for people to notice.

Just notice, just tell me.

It feels so good to feel so strong.

So sturdy alone.

As much as I feel that I'm supposed to be alone right now, I honestly think there's someone for me. Waiting to love and be loved. We can write in coffee shops together and share interests and opinions on our favorite authors. Something new. Something that doesn't make my stomach hurt to consider. It's too much to think about everything that used to be. I just want to be alone right now, you know? I need to be alone to figure out for sure who I am. Who I was created to be. Respect that and please stop inching towards the line of love.

I could throw up.

I know what I want, and I need to be a free spirit. Need.

I don't want to follow in the footsteps we made forever ago. We need to stop crawling behind the things we're familiar with. More than anything, I want to run to some foreign place. I want to take off running, no looking back. God, I want something new.

Tonight:

Kendall proposed the idea of free writing about things that make us laugh. About different things, and share them with each other every week or so.

THANK YOU GOD for sending me a friend. He's such a blessing in every sense of the word. I'm so grateful for his perspective and everything he says to me.

Don't want to lose him to life's inevitable flow of things.

Most times I wish I didn't have a phone.

stuck.

deleting people from your facebook is so liberating.

I went through pages and pages, clicking the little x confirming "remove this connection?".

YES.

a million times yes.

No question.

Last night I dreamt that I was climbing in the mountains with Brooke, some other people and Joseph McClure? After a certain amount of climbing, we would have to eat to maintain our health. We got to this little shack, way up in the mountains, yet still surrounded by mountains. Not just sky. Inside, there was a little printer that Joseph was printing pictures. Brooke was cutting a picture of herself out.

I don't get it.

Now I'm stuck at home alone, miserable. Earlier I was in tears, rolled up into a ball trying to make the pain go away. My mom drugged me and I passed out for a few hours. The pain's still there, but just not as strong.

I miss Kelsey and Marisa. I miss bible study.

I miss Mariah.

I miss Charlotte and I just saw her a few days ago.

I don't miss school. Don't miss the people.

I just miss the ones close to me.

zooey deschanel

She is BEAUTIFUL.

this oneeeeeeee ^