old memories

Driving home from school for the second time today, listening to my baby ipod that was just returned to me, a song came on that really made me miss last year.

Time by Shawn McDonald.

Remember that song? How we'd drive around listening to "Shawnsy", being late to lunch because we were searching for "free air"? Your mom called the office so we'd be excused. We'd talk about God and everything that he's done? That was such a good time in our lives.

I miss everyone seeing the good in things. That's part of the reason I carry around my good things journal - so I won't forget anything. I can look back and appreciate the good that's happened to me. I try to seclude myself from negativity, yet some people are always pushed right up under my arms, forcing me to hold onto them. Along with their negativity. There must be a reason. Probably so I can try to uplift them? Sometimes it's just not worth the arguing to me. I've gotten too good at tuning it out, then moving onto other things. Negativity seems to work really well with closed-mindedness.

I had a really weird dream last night that I don't really want to look into. I know what it means already, I don't need any clarification from an interpretation book.

Talking to an old friend of mine today made me feel so much comfort. :) It's good to have people in your life that still appreciate the things you do. He told me a lot about where he's at in his life, where he's going, his plan. It's really nice, and I can't wait to grow closer with him again. He has such an interesting mind. He used to write these long... poems? almost? I don't really know what you'd call them. But he'd always find time to seek me out in the halls to give them to me so I could read them and give him my input. Tonight he thanked me for the Edgar Allen Poe book I once gave him. I had completely forgotten, but he readily expressed his appreciation. Felt so nice to talk with him.

"You've definitely calmed my spirit tonight :)"

My not being in chorale has separated me from a lot of the people that I cared most about.

Yet I'm still so thankful for those people. I'm so thankful for Chris Garneau.

For the way he sings, and plays his accordion in varying rhythms of push and pull.

For the homework that I'm understanding.

For the worst dinner I've had in quite some time, yet my parents and I finding the hilarity in it.

Thankful for the time I get to spend with my mom, with my book.

For the guy who works at starbucks, the same guy I run into at school, tonight while getting groceries, and how we can relate.

For the book I'm reading and for vanilla lattes.

Thankful for today.

safely home

Mm, finally home.

I'm listening to music that Charlotte gave me.

It feels so good to be home. The ride here seemed to go by so quickly. Maybe because I had a book to read? or a friend to talk to? It didn't really seem like 4 hours.

I had such a good weekend. A busy, but enjoyable weekend. I don't think we ever stopped going and doing. Doesn't bother me, really, because I got to spend time with my little Harlot girl.

It feel so good to be home.

Feels good to be clean, to be alone in the silence of my room. Silence, except for Norah Jones. I just got my ipod back from Charlotte. I'm glad I didn't have it this month, though.

There's always a reason for everything.

We all know this.

My fern is wilting.

trapeze

time to take a break from today.

started off wonderfully, laughter throughout my whole house.

heard the song of my teapot, filled my cup and left.

my steering wheel is always so cold.

school is always the same. I see the same people, hug the same people, think of the same things.

I'm sick of drawing with charcoal. I don't want to shade with my eraser. I'm a little sick of it. 7 days of it is too much.

My huge huge project is turned in and my professor let us leave 45 minutes early so naturally, I went to get coffee. I made friends with the guy at the window and we shared the same taste in music. I stayed outside the window awhile so he could let me hear his favorite song. I wasn't in a hurry. I got a peppermint mocha. "Tastes just like Christmas" fell out of my mouth and was sucked out of my window that was down. It was nearly 60 degrees today. Doesn't really feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

Took a nice little nappy in my algebra class, then woke up and found fifteen dollars in my backpack. Full of surprises.

I go to dinner with my family at my favorite restaurant - Panera. Afterwards, my sister and I go get coffee at the place around the corner from my house.

Mark? Matt? I never remember his name, and he never remembers mine. I hadn't seen him in at least two weeks. I normally see him between classes at o-trip or when he's making coffee for me. We have good conversation. What's-his-name is really nice, has curly blonde hair, and he's meeting Sarah Palin next Wednesday.

Tomorrow is Wednesday which means my room has to be clean so my house cleaner can clean it... Something I'll never fully understand. Embarrassingly enough, my room is worse than any boy's room I've ever seen. I'm not proud of that by any means. I'm just saying the job I have ahead of me is not going to be an easy one. The majority of the mess is clothes - whether they're dirty or clean, they're all lying on the floor. I can always distinguish which ones are dirty and which ones are clean, but they've all been mixed together. I have to wash them all tomorrow because at 6:00, I'm leaving for my home town. The big city of Westville. I'll be gone for five days and I have no clean clothes. Or do I? It's a little hazy.

This week is Thanksgiving break which means family, friends, good food, and never to be forgotten - the Thanksgiving Parade. I watch it religiously for the first 3 hours of my morning every holiday. My grandma introduced it to me when I was about 6, and every season since, I wake up at 9:00 so I can get my fill.

After Thursday, I spend the next three days with the love of my life, Charlotte Kirk. She's currently at a KISS concert, front row, in California. Having the time of her life, and also meeting Paul Stanley. She paid a WHOLE lot of money to meet the man, but one of her dreams is coming true tonight, so I don't blame her. Ya only have one life to live, right?

Trapeze Swinger

Iron and Wine says it all.

They make everything okay.

I really miss you. I enjoy our random texting sessions, our sarcastic remarks back and forth.

Same old thing. Somethings never change, yet everything changes.

It's changed so much.

Everyone knows it's still there, they still mention it, but I push it aside.

I can't let myself believe any of that because it'll get to me.

I'll base everything off of that belief.

My room still isn't clean.

save your scissors

i never ever have problems sleeping.

not unless i have a lot on my mind.

my fingers won't let me capitalize anything. won't erase a word.

i can't even sleep because i'm thinking about all of the hard work i put into this. you said that you'd help me out. you were supposed to call, and you never did. just play on facebook, girl. just play away because this is all me. this whole third section. the whole end. it's me. all my weight to pull. glue things down, yeah, because that's hard work. is your brain capable of thinking of anyone but yourself? i wish i knew. sorry i interrupted your sweet slumber. don't be mad, because i'll get us this A. me and our friend that's hardly ever got his feet on the ground. don't worry, we got it. just take your time playing; sleeping. is this what you've become? since when are you so closed minded? my parents have even noticed. they ask. don't think they don't care. don't think i don't care. i do. that's why i can't stop thinking about this.

are you okay?

i never know what you're truly feeling.

i never know what to listen to, because sadly, i've learned to tune you out. all of your bad energies. you just look at me waiting to respond, while im trying to recall what you said. where'd you go?

why'd you leave?

ease up a bit, please. take a rest for a second. when the time's right.

we've all got it wrong.

walking in the wrong directions. what leads us astray? must you lose everything to know what it's truly like to be strong?

that's my case.

it all has to leave and i have to be left with nothing but my keyboard, pen and paper.

city and colour.

i need time to grow, and so do you.

our paths are colliding and it's getting to me.

i know it gets to you too. i could hear it in your tone.

it's okay, though, because seasons change. maybe it's just a phase. maybe.

brand new day

Yesterday was one of the busiest, yet most relaxing days. I went to lunch with my red-headed friend Theresa. We share the same love for coffee, so instead of eating at lunch, we went to Gray Owl to get lattes. She always gets an iced mocha. It never fails. My absolute favorite is the vanilla latte. It's so strong, but at the same time it's milky and sweet.

After lunch, Brooke and I came to my house to work on our project that we have barely started. Feeling too energetic and alive to work on homework, we met up with a few friends and spent time with them instead.

I went to dinner with a few of my old close friends, then two of us went to the school musical afterwards. The musical was really good, with really good acting, but I had to leave early so I could reunite with Brooke. I picked her up from work and we came to my house and made tea. She always drinks the fruity stuff. We curled up in quilts and watched the first season of friends.

We talked about nearly everything. About how her boyfriend is acting like mine did the last month of our relationship. He just doesn't seem to care like he used to. When I told her that's how Collin acted before we broke up, she got scared. But it seems like she's so much stronger than I am. I get too sucked into things and don't realize what I'm letting myself get into. I told her that I really think this is where I'm supposed to be in life. Now that the wound isn't wide open, it's easier to accept the fact that he's gone. Not easy, just easier. I never realized that I was giving him parts of myself that I didn't want to give anyone. No one was worth it. But I got caught up in the whole thing and let everything go. Kelsey and I talked about how this is going to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason. Although at first it was awful to even think about, it's starting to look up. There's a reason I let that happen. I'm okay with knowing that. I'm okay with knowing that I'm alone. It's nice. I really don't mind at all - such a liberating feeling.

indian blankets

I don't know where to begin.

Today had good energy and good vibes. Maybe because Kelsey and I kept telling ourselves how good was going to be? Maybe because the words "Today will be the best day" became my mantra early this morning. From the moment I woke up from a weird, uncomfortable dream. I woke up to an empty house. My parents flew out to Chicago early this morning - it's their anniversary. Dressed myself, made tea, and left my quiet house.

I always look forward to Wednesdays. They're almost, yet not nearly quite as enjoyable as Thursdays. Every Wednesday I go to the youth service at my church, and I used to get more out of it than I do now. I think it's because that it's main focus is on fourteen year olds and their problems. Not saying that a few years makes that much difference in our problems, but... it sort of does. Also, when I was fourteen, I was attending the same exact youth group and we were taught the same things. The words were engraved into my heart, so they're already there. I don't really need to hear the obvious. It's redundant. Despite my feelings towards the messages, I keep going. I sort of feel like it's an obligation; there's no option. I really enjoy the worship, even though me and another girl are the only ones who ever get into it. The other kids just look like zombies, staring up at Todd playing the guitar. Watching the lights flash above us. The songs are fulfilling.

But during the message, I normally just flip through the pages of my Bible and read what stands out to me. What I found tonight was Luke 6:27

"Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you,

not the worst... Live generously."

As simple as that sounds, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do. I've noticed that I have these unspoken grudges towards people. When we pass in the halls, I avoid eye-contact. When I think about why I have a problem with them, it seems idiotic. There's absolutely no reason to have any sort of negative feelings toward them. I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it and neither is God. It's a complete waste of time.

serpent charmer

It's 6:00, nearly 7, and I could go to bed right now. I've been getting adequate amounts of sleep, I'm pretty sure. Is 8 hours not enough?

This morning I woke up to my alarm, turned it off and went right back to sleep. When I woke up ten minutes later, I realized I was grinding my teeth. Much like my mother does when she's stressed out. What a good sign. Even though grinding your teeth in your teeth is bad enough, it's worse for my mouth because I have a contraption in the roof of my mouth with bands that wrap around my teeth. However, the glue on the bands dried before they could get the apparatus all the way into place, so I have metal slightly lower than the rest of my teeth. Just grinding against my bottom teeth while I sleep.

Today was a much better day. I was completely convinced that yesterday was the 17, which is why I titled yesterdays blog "november 17". I guess I just skipped right over november 16. Which is completely fine with me.

My favorite part of today was probably driving home from class in the city and seeing the sunset. It was so neat. There wasn't just black parts of the sky, or bright parts, but they were intertwined. They made the sky look like it was rippling, some even looked like feathers. It was such a good thing. Especially with the tall, bare trees that stand on bright green grass against it.

There's beauty everywhere. You just have to find it.