We have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces.
Which is why I draw all over any paper that's in front of me. Why my walls are covered in pictures, paintings, notes. Why when we don't have plans, we feel empty.
I love watching movies, or reading books that leave you fulfilled. Like you haven't wasted so much of your spare time. It's so good to learn from these things. I've seen the same satisfying movie twice now. I've paid $18 to watch Sandra Bullock act like the weirdest girl in her red boots, carrying Steve's umbrella around, meeting the most genuine people. Falling for the wrong guy and having no idea. Being herself. So intelligent. So innocent and genuine. Being so real. Then opening up and telling you that we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. Which is why she enjoys creating crossword puzzles.
Ive been thinking about who I used to be. Nothing ever went wrong, I didn't have nearly as many annoying break downs. Not even breakdowns, just feelings that I let someone down. That I upset someone. That I didn't do the right thing. And I obsess over that, which is so annoying. SO annoying.
I miss that. But I love my life now. I want to go back to wearing dumb tights and socks to my knees. Not caring about my boyfriends ex girlfriend because in all reality, she doesn't matter to me. She doesn't matter to him, and I'm just obsessing over it so that I can create even more planets on my face that sprout from under my skin.
I'm going to Kansas City this weekend and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I get to see Charlotte next weekend.
I never get to see Collin.
I've let so many people get so far away.
I feel so selfish.
I can't read my government book.
I miss sitting on Mariah's bed and looking at flickr photos for so long.
I miss long hugs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss feeling infinite.
I miss Charlotte.
I miss J. Crew.
I miss the smell of the mountains.
I miss my sister.
I miss long hugs, where you never want to let go. Both squeezing so tight and telling each other how much you love each other. Planning the next trip to see each other. I need my best friend and she's 3 hours away.
I miss reading.
I miss straight A's.
I miss talking about God during Mrs. Sparks' class, not ever paying attention, because I was so into talking about God and creating an everlasting bond an memory, that I didn't even care. I got an A in that class.
I miss Collin.
I miss swimming, then watching movies in his room.
I miss his mom being in Korea because it was so easy.
I miss microwaved nachos and his cold room.
I want all of this back.
I want new memories, new relationships.
I want time to stop F L Y I N G.
I want my best friend to live with me!
I could go on for so long, because I have empty spaces that need to be filled. With something.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
j. boties
Today's Labor Day and it feels like summer. I even hear lawn mowers..
I woke up so many times and did that whole fall back asleep thing. Over and over. Until finally at 11:00 my body was ready to wake up.
I had another weird dream last night. About a scavenger hunt. Also, I had a chorale party at my house...I'm not even in chorale anymore..
Last night was interesting. I drove the 36th to Robinson to 48th to Main to 36th block at least 3 times. Alone. Sobbing. it was so different, and new, and I hated every second of it.
Things were so good.
Too good.
I wish I were with Charlotte today. Making tea and bracelets, then driving to Siloam to eat at Broadway. Then finding a spot in the park to read together. I wish she lived closer. I'm glad that she just lives 3 hours away, but that's still so far...
This is really vague.
I woke up so many times and did that whole fall back asleep thing. Over and over. Until finally at 11:00 my body was ready to wake up.
I had another weird dream last night. About a scavenger hunt. Also, I had a chorale party at my house...I'm not even in chorale anymore..
Last night was interesting. I drove the 36th to Robinson to 48th to Main to 36th block at least 3 times. Alone. Sobbing. it was so different, and new, and I hated every second of it.
Things were so good.
Too good.
I wish I were with Charlotte today. Making tea and bracelets, then driving to Siloam to eat at Broadway. Then finding a spot in the park to read together. I wish she lived closer. I'm glad that she just lives 3 hours away, but that's still so far...
This is really vague.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
cheerful disposition
Last night, I dreamt that I was at a coffee shop, and I had this song by Elephant Revival stuck in my head. Then this woman - who Mariah took photos of recently - got up and started singing it, and I joined in with her. There was a look of familiarity and peace that came across her as we sang together.
To sing in your dream represents happiness, harmony and joy in some situation or relationship. You are uplifing others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition. Singing is a way to celebrate, communicate and express your feelings.
To hear someone sing in your dream signifies emotional and spiritual fulfillment. You are changing your mood and experiencing a more positive outlook on life.
There we go. :)
To sing in your dream represents happiness, harmony and joy in some situation or relationship. You are uplifing others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition. Singing is a way to celebrate, communicate and express your feelings.
To hear someone sing in your dream signifies emotional and spiritual fulfillment. You are changing your mood and experiencing a more positive outlook on life.
There we go. :)
Friday, September 4, 2009
needing more
I can't stop writing.
I published that last post, and I feel like my fingers need to keep moving. They need to get it out. I haven't blogged in so longggggg.
I'm not even looking at the keyboard. My head is laid back on the couch cushion, and my brain is telling my fingers where to go. So qquickly. it's such a good noise.
I had to take keyboarding in 7th grade.
I miss socks.
Boots.
Stupid little ankle boots.
Flannel shirts.
Tights.
MMM... starbucks, hot drinks.
Reading in the warmth of your home. Under blankets.
The smell of wood burning from a chimney.
The gray sky of winter.
The trees fading from green to orange.
Mmm...
Paul McCartney sounds so good.
I will NEVER get tired of the Coffee House - Acoustic station on sirius radio.
I realized, walking in from lunch one day, that I have no friends. I walked in with a huge crowd of people. Hugging each other by the neck, some yelling at each other. I was just walkin' alone. But what's weird? I'm totally okay with that. I'm perfectly fine with who I have.
I have token friends. I think.. overall ? Friends that I actually consider friends.. I have.. literally... 8.
But I'm so okay with that. I'm only 17. I have such a life ahead of me.
Im so excited.
I published that last post, and I feel like my fingers need to keep moving. They need to get it out. I haven't blogged in so longggggg.
I'm not even looking at the keyboard. My head is laid back on the couch cushion, and my brain is telling my fingers where to go. So qquickly. it's such a good noise.
I had to take keyboarding in 7th grade.
I miss socks.
Boots.
Stupid little ankle boots.
Flannel shirts.
Tights.
MMM... starbucks, hot drinks.
Reading in the warmth of your home. Under blankets.
The smell of wood burning from a chimney.
The gray sky of winter.
The trees fading from green to orange.
Mmm...
Paul McCartney sounds so good.
I will NEVER get tired of the Coffee House - Acoustic station on sirius radio.
I realized, walking in from lunch one day, that I have no friends. I walked in with a huge crowd of people. Hugging each other by the neck, some yelling at each other. I was just walkin' alone. But what's weird? I'm totally okay with that. I'm perfectly fine with who I have.
I have token friends. I think.. overall ? Friends that I actually consider friends.. I have.. literally... 8.
But I'm so okay with that. I'm only 17. I have such a life ahead of me.
Im so excited.
dream interpretations
I've been dreaming a lot lately. About some of the most random things.
Dream one:
I was attending Hogwarts, and rebelling, I crawled out the window during one of our dinners and was going to get Collin out of this high tower that he had a class in. Why he wasn't at dinner, I'll never know. But I snuck away to this mountain of rocks. In the mountain was a cave with a little blue creature in it. I was expressing to him my anxiety and he formed his gummy body into a guitar and began to sing. Might I add it was the most beautiful song, and somehow I knew it. I began to sing along with him and it made me feel light. After singing and conversing, I went to the high tower to get Collin. That's when Malfoy came and ratted on me. I ran into the woods and the trees held me in their limbs.
I have no idea what any of this means, but I the fact that I was at Hogwarts is probably because I recently started reading the whole Harry Potter collection. It's getting to my head.
Dream two:
I was riding my bike through brookhaven - where I always ride, it seems like. I saw these amish twins riding a double seated bike and they were so creepy, so red-headed, so big-eyed, and they just watched me ride quickly by as they held a rope that was around their pet donkey's neck. Then I passed what I assumed to be their house. The same twins, only 10 years older were sitting in wooden rocking chairs, one leg over the other, on their porch. Staring at me just like they did when I rode my bike past them.
I realized that my cousin Ashley was behind me and I stopped for her to catch up. That's when we ran into the creepiest man who was in a wheel-chair. No legs. Blood and all, like they had just been torn to pieces. He was so concerned, and just watched us. Blocked our path, trying to get help, but instead, came off as a monster.
After passing him, I ran into my favorite substitute. The one I always see studying at Panera. The one who's always riding his bike. He wears the same clothes, the same sheepish smile. He's so smart. In my dream he sat with me outside of some construction site and told me about his life. Sadly, I don't remember what he said now. I wish I did..
But after that, Ashley and I went to my house, which was under construction and you had to crawl under these small portals of wood to get to the only room that was still put together. The family room. As we enter, the same monster in the wheel-chair, with no legs, is blocking our path. Staring at me. He reaches out to me with his right hand, and as I try to get past him, he touches me, giving me maggots. There were maggots all over me. Crawling up and down my entire body, making me itch. I crawl into the family room from one of the portals and smashhhh my dad's laptop. Everything that his job revolves around. From the impact, I wake up. Itching. Scratching myself, and feeling the maggots slowly crawling up and down my extremities.
I never shower. But that morning, I jumped out of bed and ran to the shower - to wash the maggots off.
In art, Michaelene looked up what maggots mean when you dream about them.
It stated:
To see maggots in your dream, represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.
Awesome, right?
I was trying to come up with some reason I've been actually dreaming lately. Not only dreaming, but remembering my dreams. Having them stuck in my mind all day.
Every night before I go to sleep, Collin calls me and tells me goodnight. We talk for a while, and we say our goodbyes, then we sleep. He was sick for 4 days. Two nights of which he went to bed around 8:00, leaving me with an open mind. All to myself. To dream about Harry Potter and maggots. One of the days he was sick, I went over to his house to see him. I went to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me that he doesn't want me to get what he has. I had to sit on the complete opposite side of the couch from him because he believed he was so diseased. He talked about how he might have swine flu, which then led to "what if I die from swine?"
There it is. Death. Laying on my heart. This may sound really pathetic, and extremely dependent, but I don't know what I would do without him. He is my best friend, I'm pretty sure. We talk about anything and everything. Do anything and everything together, and it never gets old. We talk all throughout the day, almost, and thinking of losing him to swine? Having to go to his funeral? Being left alone? Didn't rest easy on me...obviously.
Also, sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep, I get really nervous. Thinking that I'm going to die the next day. Or sometimes I'll be riding in a car and feel like "this is my last moment." It's not a great feeling, and I have no idea why these things come into my mind, but they really suck. I think that's another reason for the maggots.
Dreams are really interesting. You have no idea that you're feeling these things. You know so much about yourself, but have no idea. Not until you take the time to interpret your dreams.
Dream one:
I was attending Hogwarts, and rebelling, I crawled out the window during one of our dinners and was going to get Collin out of this high tower that he had a class in. Why he wasn't at dinner, I'll never know. But I snuck away to this mountain of rocks. In the mountain was a cave with a little blue creature in it. I was expressing to him my anxiety and he formed his gummy body into a guitar and began to sing. Might I add it was the most beautiful song, and somehow I knew it. I began to sing along with him and it made me feel light. After singing and conversing, I went to the high tower to get Collin. That's when Malfoy came and ratted on me. I ran into the woods and the trees held me in their limbs.
I have no idea what any of this means, but I the fact that I was at Hogwarts is probably because I recently started reading the whole Harry Potter collection. It's getting to my head.
Dream two:
I was riding my bike through brookhaven - where I always ride, it seems like. I saw these amish twins riding a double seated bike and they were so creepy, so red-headed, so big-eyed, and they just watched me ride quickly by as they held a rope that was around their pet donkey's neck. Then I passed what I assumed to be their house. The same twins, only 10 years older were sitting in wooden rocking chairs, one leg over the other, on their porch. Staring at me just like they did when I rode my bike past them.
I realized that my cousin Ashley was behind me and I stopped for her to catch up. That's when we ran into the creepiest man who was in a wheel-chair. No legs. Blood and all, like they had just been torn to pieces. He was so concerned, and just watched us. Blocked our path, trying to get help, but instead, came off as a monster.
After passing him, I ran into my favorite substitute. The one I always see studying at Panera. The one who's always riding his bike. He wears the same clothes, the same sheepish smile. He's so smart. In my dream he sat with me outside of some construction site and told me about his life. Sadly, I don't remember what he said now. I wish I did..
But after that, Ashley and I went to my house, which was under construction and you had to crawl under these small portals of wood to get to the only room that was still put together. The family room. As we enter, the same monster in the wheel-chair, with no legs, is blocking our path. Staring at me. He reaches out to me with his right hand, and as I try to get past him, he touches me, giving me maggots. There were maggots all over me. Crawling up and down my entire body, making me itch. I crawl into the family room from one of the portals and smashhhh my dad's laptop. Everything that his job revolves around. From the impact, I wake up. Itching. Scratching myself, and feeling the maggots slowly crawling up and down my extremities.
I never shower. But that morning, I jumped out of bed and ran to the shower - to wash the maggots off.
In art, Michaelene looked up what maggots mean when you dream about them.
It stated:
To see maggots in your dream, represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.
Awesome, right?
I was trying to come up with some reason I've been actually dreaming lately. Not only dreaming, but remembering my dreams. Having them stuck in my mind all day.
Every night before I go to sleep, Collin calls me and tells me goodnight. We talk for a while, and we say our goodbyes, then we sleep. He was sick for 4 days. Two nights of which he went to bed around 8:00, leaving me with an open mind. All to myself. To dream about Harry Potter and maggots. One of the days he was sick, I went over to his house to see him. I went to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me that he doesn't want me to get what he has. I had to sit on the complete opposite side of the couch from him because he believed he was so diseased. He talked about how he might have swine flu, which then led to "what if I die from swine?"
There it is. Death. Laying on my heart. This may sound really pathetic, and extremely dependent, but I don't know what I would do without him. He is my best friend, I'm pretty sure. We talk about anything and everything. Do anything and everything together, and it never gets old. We talk all throughout the day, almost, and thinking of losing him to swine? Having to go to his funeral? Being left alone? Didn't rest easy on me...obviously.
Also, sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep, I get really nervous. Thinking that I'm going to die the next day. Or sometimes I'll be riding in a car and feel like "this is my last moment." It's not a great feeling, and I have no idea why these things come into my mind, but they really suck. I think that's another reason for the maggots.
I really wish this all made sense.
Dreams are really interesting. You have no idea that you're feeling these things. You know so much about yourself, but have no idea. Not until you take the time to interpret your dreams.
Monday, August 24, 2009
a coney island of the mind
I need out of my AP English class.
Miller.
My friend Tyler had him when he was a senior and loved his class. "It changed my life.".....
Tyler is the type of guy who loves school. LOVES it. He's extremely smart and told me that Miller's class was a challenge to him - that scares me. I'm terrified. Everything that Miller says is so far above me. I doodle during class to help myself concentrate, but I catch myself writing things like "I NEED out of this class !", or once I heard Miller talk about something "oozing" so I drew this weird picture of something "oozing" out.
I don't feel like I should be on Miller's level, but I do feel like I should grab onto something he says, at least. And, I do.. I just don't see the relevance. Miller told us that he has high expectations and that he isn't easily impressed with writing. Writing is the majority of the whole class. I'm terrified. That's why I feel like I need out.
I signed up for the counselor today during zero hour, but didn't get called in. So I went after lunch to talk to her, and she told me that she's completely swamped and she's still on Friday's long long long long long list of people. Which means that I'm probably going to get some crazy writing assignment in Miller's class, be expected to do it, then be stressed out. I don't even know if it's possible for me to get out of his class. I love everyone in Miller's class. There's a really great circle of people in there and I hate to leave it, but I feel like I need to for the sake of my grade.
Stressed at day 3 of school.
Cool.
Miller.
My friend Tyler had him when he was a senior and loved his class. "It changed my life.".....
Tyler is the type of guy who loves school. LOVES it. He's extremely smart and told me that Miller's class was a challenge to him - that scares me. I'm terrified. Everything that Miller says is so far above me. I doodle during class to help myself concentrate, but I catch myself writing things like "I NEED out of this class !", or once I heard Miller talk about something "oozing" so I drew this weird picture of something "oozing" out.
I don't feel like I should be on Miller's level, but I do feel like I should grab onto something he says, at least. And, I do.. I just don't see the relevance. Miller told us that he has high expectations and that he isn't easily impressed with writing. Writing is the majority of the whole class. I'm terrified. That's why I feel like I need out.
I signed up for the counselor today during zero hour, but didn't get called in. So I went after lunch to talk to her, and she told me that she's completely swamped and she's still on Friday's long long long long long list of people. Which means that I'm probably going to get some crazy writing assignment in Miller's class, be expected to do it, then be stressed out. I don't even know if it's possible for me to get out of his class. I love everyone in Miller's class. There's a really great circle of people in there and I hate to leave it, but I feel like I need to for the sake of my grade.
Stressed at day 3 of school.
Cool.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
remember to trust
7:34 am
My body automatically wakes me up and tells me it's the first day of school. Cool. Anxiousness fills my entire body and I can't fall back asleep. Not the "yeaaaaaahhh! First day of school!!!" kind of anxiousness.. it's the "...........first day of schooooolll.........." kind. The kind that you knew was coming and you want to just push it away.
Where did summer go? Seriously. My birthday was THE FIRST day of summer and it seems like a week ago, maybe. But now it's the end of August. When did August even begin? Where was the entire month of July? It's the weirdest feeling to just lose a whole season. I didn't even feel it go. I knew it was there and I cherished it for the most part, but then it just got comfortable and it seemed like any other day.
Being back in school doesn't feel any different. Not at all. It feels like I've been going to school the whole year, throughout the entire summer season, and I just went to class today for fun. The summer literally passed like a thought. It came and went so quickly. I didn't even feel it go.
I went to the beadery with my mom today after lunch. I made two beautiful necklaces.
One is completely random, with a bear in the middle. A strong, protective bear.
The other is long, extending down below my boobs, and has metal letters at the very center that spell out "T R U S T".
That's something I defintely need to work on. Not only trusting my friends, boyfriend, parents, family, leaders.. but trusting myself. Trusting my inner soul that always shouts at me and I just blow it off. I push everything aside and I just sit stagnantly and don't think or do anything. I just work on impulse most of the time. It gets so annoying. I think that's part of why I don't remember anything about my childhood. Even up to eighth grade. I have noooo idea what happened during eighth grade. I was the new weird girl who didn't know anyone. The only thing I really remember about that year was when I was walking in the halls with Hayley, who knew Jasmine, and Jasmine gave us both tootsie rolls. That's it. I remember one tiny little idiot tootsie roll. COOL.
That's partly the reason for my Trust necklace. The other reason is because I need to remember that guy up there in the sky - God. This guy I used to call my best friend. Lately, I forget to even talk to him sometimes. It's frustrating to think back on when I was so into Him. I was so into reading my Bible religiously and praying about every little thing. My mind was always set in His direction. Now sometimes I don't even think about Him? I really could get so mad at myself for that. Yet maybe it's not completely a bad thing? Maybe this is just some phase He knew I would go through. A lesson. I'm still learning. But I still believe that I need to remember Him, and when things get rough - which I'm expecting because my English class is going to be so hard to pass - I just need to trust.
My body automatically wakes me up and tells me it's the first day of school. Cool. Anxiousness fills my entire body and I can't fall back asleep. Not the "yeaaaaaahhh! First day of school!!!" kind of anxiousness.. it's the "...........first day of schooooolll.........." kind. The kind that you knew was coming and you want to just push it away.
Where did summer go? Seriously. My birthday was THE FIRST day of summer and it seems like a week ago, maybe. But now it's the end of August. When did August even begin? Where was the entire month of July? It's the weirdest feeling to just lose a whole season. I didn't even feel it go. I knew it was there and I cherished it for the most part, but then it just got comfortable and it seemed like any other day.
Being back in school doesn't feel any different. Not at all. It feels like I've been going to school the whole year, throughout the entire summer season, and I just went to class today for fun. The summer literally passed like a thought. It came and went so quickly. I didn't even feel it go.
I went to the beadery with my mom today after lunch. I made two beautiful necklaces.
One is completely random, with a bear in the middle. A strong, protective bear.
The other is long, extending down below my boobs, and has metal letters at the very center that spell out "T R U S T".
That's something I defintely need to work on. Not only trusting my friends, boyfriend, parents, family, leaders.. but trusting myself. Trusting my inner soul that always shouts at me and I just blow it off. I push everything aside and I just sit stagnantly and don't think or do anything. I just work on impulse most of the time. It gets so annoying. I think that's part of why I don't remember anything about my childhood. Even up to eighth grade. I have noooo idea what happened during eighth grade. I was the new weird girl who didn't know anyone. The only thing I really remember about that year was when I was walking in the halls with Hayley, who knew Jasmine, and Jasmine gave us both tootsie rolls. That's it. I remember one tiny little idiot tootsie roll. COOL.
That's partly the reason for my Trust necklace. The other reason is because I need to remember that guy up there in the sky - God. This guy I used to call my best friend. Lately, I forget to even talk to him sometimes. It's frustrating to think back on when I was so into Him. I was so into reading my Bible religiously and praying about every little thing. My mind was always set in His direction. Now sometimes I don't even think about Him? I really could get so mad at myself for that. Yet maybe it's not completely a bad thing? Maybe this is just some phase He knew I would go through. A lesson. I'm still learning. But I still believe that I need to remember Him, and when things get rough - which I'm expecting because my English class is going to be so hard to pass - I just need to trust.
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