daily grind bullshit

a lot has been on my mind, and i never know how to organize it all so i just think and think and think all day, and never know where to go with it.

today is the first time in probably two straight weeks where i've spent more than an hour by myself - which is really rare for me. i've been going full speed for the past 14 days, and today i have taken two naps. everyone in my quiet house is in bed, and i'm back to the comfort of my dim-lit living room by myself like i'm used to.

i think because of being surrounded by people nearly 24/7, i left my phone completely away from me nearly all day. it's dead half the time anyway, but i had no desire to contact anyone. i'm sorry if you were affected by this; one of my bests called me asking if i was mad because i didn't respond to anything all day, but i just have nothing to say nor the ears to listen really. sort of shitty to admit, but i need a break sometimes.

where this week has been dreadfully busy, i've really enjoyed it. thursday i hung out with my friend jp nearly all day which was really nice, to be honest. he's becoming one of my closest friends, and i love that. there are so many things that i respect about him, that i could go on and on about, but i'll spare whoever is reading. i invited him to chickasha with me on thursday to meet all of my bests at riah's party. was really comforting to mesh my two worlds, i think. we drove home together around one in the morning and had some of the best conversations. neither one of us really have anyone to talk that way with so we just get together late at night, generally, and share every idea or theory or belief that's been concerning us. he's got such a beautifully open mind about spirituality, balance and life in general. i'm his refuge, and there's so much safety in that.

so much is changing right now. my priorities are out of whack (maybe not, it's mostly about perspective), but i haven't talked to charlotte in over two weeks and i'm always tempted to just buy a plane ticket to boston and surprise her. i just imagine off the plane and finding my way to burton third and never letting go of her neck - i dream about this more often than not. but i have no money and no time, so dreaming on. my life is so scarily organized lately, it's all laid out for me with my same 'ole work schedule with my same 'ole school schedule and i see the same damn people every single day that it's sort of getting redundant. it scares me sometimes to think about committing so something for longer than a span of six months, but oh well, i guess. nothing to be afraid of. watching kids grow for a year can't be that bad. or seeing the same thing every single day for longer than six months can't be too awful.

i never know, but since all of my life seems to have fallen into a routine i'm always craving something new. i've been really wanting new piercings, my tattoo or even to make new jewelry for myself.

speaking of, i'm going to start selling things on ebay for extra cash since the daycare makes me zero dollars. i could sell a lot of my jewelry that i never wear, a shit ton of my shoes or designer bags that i never will ever carry again. i'm also excited to make a game out of hunting at goodwill for treasures i could sell online.

this is all really sporadic, but my brain has yet to slow down.

lonlilly

no one knows this, not even myself. no one knows what i'm yearning for, what still roots me in this soil. not a single soul even thinks about what they don't know about me, what i'm thinking, or what i'm desiring. no one knows my urge to write down things like this, or no one understands

warm full good balanced spiritual healthy stable strong

no one realizes that i'm writing every opinion about you. every feeling that i'm repressing about you. no one knows that i have downfalls that i believe about myself. there are things that i could list forever, but what's the use, right? there's no purpose because no one comprehends it. no one cares to reach out their arms to let me write down and scar their veins with my emotions, because that's what i'll do, i promise you. i cannot help it, i cannot help it. 

there's comfort in this, somewhat. there's comfort in knowing that i'm entrusting in you something sacred, and sometimes i'm willing to give it all away. every ounce of my being, i want it to be yours, and i want you to be mine. then there are nights like these where i'm most happy in solace. there's comfort in my phone dying and not having a charger. there's comfort in waking up alone, in drinking coffee alone, in getting ready alone, in falling asleep alone.

 

never here

remind me not to reminisce about the past. teach me to push back everything about how stable you were. how literally, you were everything i would imagine ever being with, anything that would ever make me happy. i need to forget that, i don't want to ruin anything. nor do i even have the power to. but after years and years, i want to eat vegetarian food with you. ride bikes or let you swim in the morning. i don't know, this is all silly and i'm never going to voice anything about this ever except for this moment. i need to push back every movie we didn't see, or any time that i wiped my eyes with other people's sleeves because of you.
i need to look forward to the long nights under the green cloud with the person that isn't going to panic about it. they aren't going to panic about the smoke or my fleeting nature or the fact that sometimes i want to be left alone. someone willing to go downstairs and make me coffee. someone willing to tuck themselves in next to me and buy me my favorite books for christmas on a whim. damnit, this isn't about you. i need someone easy, yet stable. someone i don't know, yet need everything they embody.
i keep dreaming, and i will.

always gone from here

remember when my hair wasn't to my collar, or when my hands, legs, face wasn't rough, dry and untouched? when my hair wasn't green. when i knew how to love, and it wasn't the hardest thing to let someone in. to accept their insecurities to embrace them?
i let love in and i hold onto it, but one wrong turn and i want to crawl up into my attic that i have planned for myself. i want to take some coffee-drinking stranger into my quilted bed and just lay there. or talk about books over hot tea in my lamp-lit room. i don't want you to tell me about earthworms, don't talk about your year of intoxication. i need someone ready to accept that i run away in eighteen different directions. i'm sorry, my red flag is up always and you know this. you're already scared and i'm already gone.

boy friends

today at lunch i got a message from someone i used to call my best friend. he was my best friend and never anything more than that. that's why still to this day we feel comfortable just hanging out alone - especially when we haven't made time to do so in months. we decided to go to dinner, and he picked me up spontaneously at my house, we drove by kyle's and the three of us went to bison witches for soup. michael and i did at least.

the whole night we never did a thing. we very well accomplished not doing anything, but we had some of the best conversations. it's cool to be friends with people who care more about things going on in the world, or in this state, or just know things in general. i'm really just sick of people talking about how dank the weed is from denver or about all of the wonderful things of disk golf that no one understands, but still they persistently force everything on us. i love them to death, but goodness.

i probably spent more time happily in the nastiest apartment i've ever seen, than anywhere else this week. especially on this couch i've been so bound to. michael stafford came over, and the night got even better. they're all such good guys full of depth that i'm so thankful to be friends with.

hot hands, cold heart

tonight was one of those nights were i did everything i wanted to - i watched sappy movie after sappy movie about love in a foreign country and ate two bags of popcorn. i don't even care, nor do i really need to be concerned. i'm still downing my diet coke as i'm typing this. sitting on this same brown leather couch that i've been bound to since monday. since i caught this disease.

my lungs aren't the only thing that need medical attention. maybe not even medical but psychological? emotional, maybe physical. but i'm all caught up in 'what about the future' plans. the question of whether i'm in it for the long haul question. and my old, and seemingly forgotten mantra of "dont give your heart to someone undeserving". yet it isn't even that, because he deserves the world. he deserves someone who wants to be touched and talked to all the time. someone who doesn't mind partying until 3am every weeknight or weekend. someone who likes the food he makes. he deserves that girl who needs every ounce of him like he needs her.

but that's not me. it's never been me and never will be. mostly because sometimes even when my closest friends touch me i could kill them. i hate being touched sometimes, and please don't hound me about anything. don't get maaaad when i want to hang out with my family or when i don't want to smoke weed because my lung is currently collapsing. i'm sorry that i don't want to eat your food. the same food that you always make. some sort of pasta with (bet you can't guess it) garlic, onions and peppers. ohhh my god, if i had a dollar for ever meal that was made with those ingredients. i could pay for every ticket to boston i've lusted over. i could pay for my schooling there, and i could buy all of the cardigans i want. 

i'm not writing this for anyone, really. i'm writing because i need to get it out of my system so i stop having mild panic attacks about essentially breaking up with him. we aren't even dating, but he gets so anxious and worried and sad. don't need me, i'm probably the wrong girl to ever need because in more ways than one, i'm just like my mother. i'm cold, and i'll reject you until you bleed. and sometimes i won't feel bad. it'll weigh on me until it evaporates into the green along with every other crisis i avert.

no one is here in there right mind next to me. they're somewhere out there falling in love with the cabinets, wandering about the fourth floor. they're somewhere in the green cloud or they're daydreaming about something else. no one is here but this blank page that i fill with hope for myself.

five star gemini, always

i'm so done with this lung infection of sorts. i'm sick of my heart racing each time i get up to go to the bathroom or each time i get more water. like i'm sick of not being hungry, but always feeling faint. i want to get out of this house, but i'm afraid i'll throw up or be miserable or pass out. the morning i woke up with this sickness, my hears rang and i could hear my heartbeat because i was on the verge of fainting. i'm always so frail, walking on ice with my body's stability and i never know how to fix it. even my emotions, like i'm set off into the cosmos each time i get close to someone because i feel trapped and strangled. don't get mad when i want to hang out with my mom. i'm practically fighting with this boy who i'm in a relationship with, but not really? i hate it and hes sad because of me. i can barely breathe and i can barely move, but he can get mad at me because i won't go to dinner with him. i feel trapped. and i want SO bad i really want to go to boston. he just texted me and i could vomit, but i won't. i'll sit here and drink water and pretend my phone didn't buzz. i'll pretend like everything's okay. i'll play like my lung isn't collapsing and i'll act like we aren't together. i'll act like i'm fine, i'm strong and i'll pretend i like this damn couch. fuck, i hate today. i'm supposed to be five stars.