we'll hold your hand

very rarely do i feel compelled to write twice a day, but when it happens, there is no fighting the urge.

i worked for so long tonight, but i wasn't even on the schedule because of issues with my boss. he didn't enjoy that i had to take on a second job. i had no choice, really. i was literally sweating the whole 5 hours. come to think of it, five hours isn't very long. but when you're hungry from lack of meals that day, and people keep bringing in one dollar pizzas, the day gets longer.
after work, i came home and made waffles. of course i made waffles. the first time through the toaster, they weren't even crisp a little bit. they were still a little moist... so i put them in again. when they popped up, i swear they had transformed into cardboard circles. did i eat them?
of course i ate them. slathered with peanut butter.
huge glass of water.

i've been trying to breathe fresh air today. and it's getting easier, i'd think. i still feel a lot of guilt and pressure, but it's a part of becoming free. it's all a process.

my mom hugged me tonight, and i could cry thinking about it. the tone of her voice. i could cry.
timshel is on repeat.
awake my soul.

there are so many things running through my mind. god, the emotions are endless. i move from one distraction to the other. one extreme to the other. i'm sitting on my bed, like i never do - facing my closet door. i'm sure you can all picture it. with my headboard to the left of me, and i'm just staring at my "soul food" that i keep on my closet as a reminder. those would've come in handy had they not of become so natural to my eyes. seeing my mom holding up the umbrella in florida.
sometimes i feel so. bad. about her not knowing anything. she was so shocked.
who am i becoming.
i have never wanted to be someone my parents couldn't be proud of.
this too shall pass.

you are not alone in this.

you are not alone in this

One of my biggest and well kept secrets were thrown out into the open. Literally thrown. After many skipped meals and clenched fists, I finally let go. I was let way off my guard and I then drove home in the fog. As much as I don't still want to be sick, I'm so nauseous.
I never make such large deals out of anything. I'm one of the most passive individuals sometimes, and most times I get caught under the bus. Yet this time, I want to take this in as a learning experience. I never really thought it was an issue just letting things fly, being so open with all of humanity. But I hate being caught under the bus. I hate when I lose control of my own life, I lose control of my own situations and decisions because no one else believes me when I say that I'm okay. That may have been what sucked the most. No, it definitely was. I have always fought my own battles. And for someone else to impose? I got aggravated, of course I did.
Things will be the same in days, months, years to come. You will still be the moon, you'll still be the stars, and you'll still be a bird. I meant it when I said I would love you forever. This just struck a chord.

perpetual self

it's getting so close. and it's all falling into place, this trip.
it's weird to admit that i'm anxious to see my little tribe head. we don't even talk that often now that he's on tour, but he always makes it a point to call me at least once a day. telling me about the songs, and the shows, and the after parties. i'm leaving on thursday with melanie, and i never would have thought that she would be the first one to see where i grew up. she gets the extensive tour of the whole town, the view of my old blue house that is so far into the sticks, i actually had a fear of the cherokee little people.
i'm getting so excited.
i wear my fetishes around my wrist, and in my backpacks. i'm making lists and taking orders, and it's on my stereo.

i'm escaping to my bicycle tonight. so much longing.
the aroma is contagious.

higher love

from who am I receiving all the answers?
I can hear it in the wind.
In the green sky we created together,
Your mane that's always been wild
The look in my sister moon's eyes,
The soil,
The earth.
The water.
All branches of the higher power
The center of love
The one who placed the moon
And began to forcefully control gravity.
It's you,
But even more. Maybe.
It's your creation that speak the loudest.

the warmest light

tell me to move or to breathe fresh air.
Tell me this isn't a typewriter, that these are all my words. That this was all my idea. Tell me to come down from the clouds away from the light.
I don't want to hear it. I just keep lifting myself up with you, doing it hand in hand and I'm loving every minute of it. Every moment of independence. Every second of feeling like these blankets were made specifically for this instant. I need to be reminded of that always, and if you get me there? You can't be wrong. You can't be all that bad. I have to shrug off the old skin from those weeks and start fresh. Continue dancing to the Kingston station and let go of my arms. Keep my feet rooted in the true substance and get closer to the light. The warmest light.

Don't bring me down from this.

those days are over

tell me i can erase everything. tell me to shut up, and keep quiet. tell me that none of that happened, and tell me i'm safe. opening the window made all of the wind rush in and i'm overwhelmed. it's like pushing stuff back under your bed after you've spent days deep cleaning your room. keep quiet, and don't let me make a noise.

the end of the summer

okay, lets recall.
before i forget it all like a dream.

this weekend. did we smoke hookah in the back yard of the vacant house across the street? did we steal the water from the old lady on parkside? we got really sick that night, but it was worth it.
next day - did we steal the coolest things from the norman north art room? then break into theresas back yard late late at night to skinny dip? i really love those girls.
the next day, or yesterday,
i went in to check my schedule and met Luke. enough said.
then shopped for work clothes in the most crowded mall.
michael's party.
the tally was up to four on my wrist in pink pen. i kept emptying miller lites and before i know it i can't feel my fingers and kaitlin has to take away my phone.
bailey falling all over and
1. michael
2. bailey
3. mariah
4. kaitlin and mariah
did i really? that happened. it did.
melanie came to the rescue and i jumped in the pool naked at theresa's?
theresa's tree?
waffle. house.........................?
coming home and facing my dad?

i should be a lot worse than i was today. but i'm so thankful.
that night really needed to happen.