mantra

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

let go and feel free to do what you want.

still a new dawn

there is so much peace and contentment running through me and washing over everyone holding me up.

this is a new year. there's no doubt that everything about it is completely different than last year. it's march, and it's still continuing to be refreshing. i'm so excited to graduate, and it's not because i get to leave all of the negativity around me, or because of the people, it's because i'm ready to grow in a completely different level. Thinking about how everyone is going to move in different directions used to make me want to cry for days. but now when i think about it, it's so exciting. we're all going in different areas to learn different things regarding a million different things, and we get to share it with everyone when we're all reunited. we're going to treasure everyone more, and we're going to keep growing. we're going to have space and we're going to be blessed.

realize how lucky you areeeeee.

skinny love

sometimes all i can see when i close my eyes is the way i rode my bike past truman. i remember the way it felt and how it was sort of hard to go up that little slight hill. i need my bike air pump. whatever. he neds his english book. sometimes i see him and wonder if he sees me. i don't know that i really care, but i still wonder. he looks so proud and so different. he doesn't look the same. maybe he always has. his big black coat. his tiny white car, it's all so different. a big part of me loves it. i hope he doesn't talk about me. i don't want to be in his stories. his friends still wave at me, except for the girls who just sort of make sure i'm wearing weird things. they all look me up and down. every single time. or they glare at me. three more months. just three. not even. sometimes i don't know if i can make it, and other times when i think about it, my chest sort of caves in and my heart stops. three months. ill also be eighteen. i'll be legal. i'll be nearly grown. i feel different than i did two years ago, i really do feel like i've changed. especially in my writings. i was so straight forward and sure. now i'm constantly second guessing every action. i sort of like that better sometimes. i think it's strengthening. i love that i've kept journals for 5 years. i like that even when i was little liked to write. i wrote backwards on our furniture when i was young. i would write my moms name of all things. i've always admired her. there's something about her that makes me want to cry. i could cry. everyone is growing. everyone is moving and changing and transforming. it's weird to think about what's in front of my. where i'm headed and where i'll be in even 5 months. that's nothing. 5 months? in four months Ruben is staying in oklahoma. i. cannot. wait. he's going to make this summer so much better. ruben, the ocean, possibly waka, definitely many roadtrips, new memories and saying goodbye. i won't be able to do it. last night was so warm, i want you all to stay right by me. two hours even seems so far away. i don't know, i think we can do it. i don't know.

frozen jellyfish

february 23

mariah was born 18 years ago today.

it's been an all around good day. i've been constantly surrounded by good, beautiful people and kind hearts. from the morning i stepped out of my garage until this moment. sitting on this cheetah-printed chase lounge.
i don't ever want this comfort to leave or flee from these bones.

driving in michael's tiny orange mustang with 3 of the most perfect people. such a comfort. daydreaming about when we're going to be on the highway together again going to Copeland's farewell tour. listening to copeland. singing. harmonizing. we were all so happpyyyy.

dreaming of the sun on our skin, the time we're going to get to tulsa.

how we're going to cry.

the sky's going to be pitch black on our way home.

i don't want to become frozen jellyfish.

catch my dreams

today didn't feel like friday. i woke up in a different room. i woke up to my internal clock, 57 minutes before my alarm was set to wake me up.

funny dreams that felt so real.

Dwayne's birthday party in third hour, i wasn't there much. either copying CLC pages or visiting mariah. she gave me two grape tomatoes in exchange for two cookies.

:) mmm.

i had a two hour nap, and i still feel like i could sleep until my eyes won't even open anymore.

i broke off whatever alan and i had. because i honestly feel like i'm supposed to be alone. he understood that at first, then it got too far. we got too close, and i felt uneasy about it. i have to learn to follow my heart. i've never learned how to do that, even after awhile of realizing it's a problem of mine.

i'm sorry if that flaw of mine has hurt you.

know that.

in sweatpants and my 80s tennis shirt, i wish i were with you in new york city. you're completely blessed beyond recognition, and this is exactly what you needed. i'm praying for you always. i feel like i haven't seen nor talked to you in days, but we've talked at least a little bit ever since the day you left.

i'm so tired. my fingers barely move, but i felt like i needed to write.

i am surrounded by webs and feathers. marking every corner of my room.

for you

i hope you're enjoying new york city. i really think it'll be everything you need it to be. space, interesting things to give you inspiration, and a time to rest. i'm so glad you went, even though i know i'm going to feel empty without you to be my lunch partner tomorrow. we've gone every thursday for the longest time. you're experiencing the business of new york city. tonight youll see what i meant when the lights on times square are blinding. but those hotels really put in the right blinds. closing them is like hiding the sun, and it's amazing. youll notice how cars still honk outside your window at 2 in the morning. i hope you read this and it gives you rest.

"while we were friends"

basically broken up with, i can't tell if i should rejoice or feel broken. a wrote a note to someone i used to consider my best friend. i poured out every emotion in 7 pages. i gave it to her, left it on her backpack. it was everything that had been laying on me. heavily. i get no response whatsoever. when i question if she read it, her words exactly were, 'yes i did. sorry i'm at workkk'. understandable, so i don't respond. no response. no word. until this morning. of course it was this morning because this morning was the worst i've had in i couldn't tell you how long. started off waking up from an awful dream that i could've cried from. i woke up feeling dirty and used and abused. i felt disgusting. living in that haziness that morning, i slammed my finger in my dresser door. made funny tasting coffee. hit my head - yeah, i know - on the door frame of my garage. sort of just drove unknowingly to school. parked. walked into the art room with frozen fingers like i do every morning. mariah michael bailey brooke. after small talk of the morning, the first bell rings. she hands me a note written on old, faded paper. she designed the trim. hand drawn in pen. it was then that i received the most demeaning, bitter response letter i think i've ever gotten. she used the words 'while we were friends'. and signed out, 'bye.'

i'm confused. did i just lose a 'best friend'? or did i lose a friend all together? i didn't know how to respond, so i just sat there looking at my collage. do i text her, write a response, hunt her down and pour out every word that can't explain what i'm thinking? can't explain my confusion.

i saw heather tonight at lifestream and i tell her that i had been broken up with, basically. she jokes around, and is shocked when i tell her that i feel as though she really has ended everything we ever knew together. we conclude that because of her personality, it'd be better to act sooner than later. i'm more of a "ride it out and see where it goes" kind of girl, but sometimes God places me in these positions for a reason.

as mariah and i are sitting in my driveway after lifestream, i get a text saying

'hey i think i'm just going to start riding with kimi to school'

i just sort of pause and mariah tells me i just have to jump into it or i never will.

i wouldn't.

i responded,

'can i call you?'

no response.

guess that's goodbye...?