discover beauty in everyone

sometimes I think of cutting things out of my life that don't make me happy.

such as facebook.

I really just hate it. Every time I get on, I get upset and I wind up learning things I never wanted to know. Yet I'm not strong enough. Rather, I don't believe I'm strong enough.

Charlotte came to Norman this weekend and I always feel so good whenever she comes here. She was telling me all about her life. How she got invited to an OU dinner and was requested to sit right next to President Boren. How she's applied to Stanford, MIT, Rochester Engineering, yanno, good places like that. She also told me about this person she came into contact with who "healed" her. They would lay out these blocks in a certain pattern, then give you this drink that was touched with a "healing stick" and you'd look at the pattern and drink that magical drink at the same time, then you were healed. The "healer" told her that after you've been healed, anytime you feel sick, stressed, discouraged - anything - you can tap your chest and say "I choose not to be stressed" or whatever you were feeling. She fully believes that it works. I don't necessarily believe that it doesn't work, but I think that it's all mental. It's like a placebo. It works because you trick your mind into thinking that it works.

I'm completely blown away anytime I think about how much the human mind is capable of. Certain things can trigger certain emotions, and the same goes with smells. It's so odd, yet it's the coolest thing that God blessed us with something so powerful. I try to write encouraging things on my hand everyday to keep myself uplifted. I've recently started doing this, but it really helps. It helps because I believe in it.

I often wish everything were like a blog.

knots in my stomach

I definitely think that everything happens for a reason.

There's a reason why Greg gave me that rock from Rothbury. - good vibes, keep it in your car; you're worth it.

A reason why Marisa and I are in the exact same situation. We have the same emotions and it's still so fresh, the cut's wide open. We've promised to keep each other accountable, to be there for each other to keep each other strong. There's a reason why Bailey drove me home this morning after getting donuts. A reason why the guy at native roots commented on my bracelets. There's always a reason.

I've been blessed with so many things and lately I haven't taken the time to appreciate them. I think that being alone helps you focus more on yourself. Not in the self-centered way, but to really gather your thoughts, to know who you are so you can continue to grow in the right direction. When you become so dependent on something, you get so used to something, you don't even notice that you're losing parts of yourself. Being alone can make you stronger - I fully believe that. It sort of sucks that you can get so caught up in something that you'll put it above anything else. It's pathetic, really. Especially since you don't even realize it's happening. As much as I enjoy being visibly and physically loved by someone, I love finding love in other things - other people. Taking time to realize that God loves you. You always know that he loves you, but you get so caught up in other things that you don't appreciate it. That puts knots in my stomach.

continually circling

Sometimes I cant get my point across.

The perfect little picture you formed of me in your head now has huge smudges, rips and tears.

I'm sorry that you don't understand why I did it or everything that I'm thinking. I wish I could spell it out to you, explain everything, but I can't because I don't even know what I'm trying to say without getting lost in circles. Factors play into everything.

I'm sorry that I get defensive, that sometimes we really cant get into each others heads the right way.

You're in my head - of course you're in my head.

Along with so many other things.

I want to be able to just calmly show you what I mean. Just lay it all out there. It's so hard over text messaging. Sometimes I just throw my phone across my car because I just hate texting. Especially when you have so much to say and your fingers won't move. You just get frozen. I'd much rather write you a letter and send it to you, across two or three blocks.

My body aches and I think I'm too reliant upon caffeine.

"good things happen to good people"

sometimes you just need a friend, yanno?

I went to zumba tonight with Mariah and it was the most fun I've had in so long. Despite how my body ached and how weak I felt, it was so good. Our faces got red like little cherries, but it was okay because we were both so sweaty, hair stuck down to our foreheads - I know, great mental picture of how cute we are. I want to go every Tuesday nighttttt.

Afterwards, I showered. Not just showered, I spent a good twenty minutes in there just trying to get clean. I feel so good, I smell clean. That's two showers today for me. You don't even realize what an accomplishment that is for me.

My room is clean which is strange. It feels comfortable.

Tomorrow is my daddio's birthday and the day after that is little Brookie's birthday.

Good week ahead.

Thank you, God.

A part of me wants to just skip right along to summer.

But I love fall, it's by far one of my favorite seasons. Fall and winter.

I can't get enough. There's something different about them, it just... feels different.

The trees change, then they get bare and they look so good against the grayish-purple sky. The trees and the power lines. The water tower that always makes me think of Mariah. It has a little red light on the top of it so planes know it's there. I love Norman, and I can't get enough. I always complain about how I want to get away for something new. Truth is, I don't want to leave. I just need a different mindset, I think.

in august

You can see right through me

Gliding planes

I wish you could see the whole vision

The golden reflection of the moon around every object

The black trees outlined by the glow.

Every insect is singing in harmony

Each star is shining, some dim and some brightly

So open and liberated

In the back of an old red truck,

The hum of a sister sleeping

The warmth of these well- knit blankets

Humidity is no stranger, only making things grow

Through every vein and every muscle; I can feel it

Every emotion, every thought

I hear a drum of a heartbeat

Quivering of a lip,

As the moon quietly sneaks back into her pocket in the big open sky.

Always turning always spinning, and we don't feel a thing.

Gravity pulling us down and keeping us stable

We don't really notice until we take a minute to think about the trees, the moon, the stars;

all God's creation.

Our hearts are tightly wound in the vulnerable space, where our minds have room to think,

to feel and to recognize the beauty in front of us -- it's always there.

Always changing.

With the seasons and as things grow.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Bringing us closer to the ground, humbling us.

As gravity treats the earth.

against the grain

I can't even begin to explain what I feel.

I lost one of the biggest parts of me on Thursday. Just left me, no explanation. Hurt so bad. November 5, one of the worst days. He knew. He just kept piling up everything. Every single lie. I can't forgive, I'm trying to recover and stay distracted. Please, God, that's enough. Please.

I just got a 3 page text from my best friend. Just something I wrote in the back of an old red pick-up. I had completely forgotten about it, lost the note I wrote it in because my phone broke. I lost a child. Every emotion, it all came back to me. Filled my veins.

Day Old Hate.

I want to be so much closer to you because it's so refreshing to hear everything you say. Every one of your opinions, your silly stories, your big blue eyes. You and I have both got no one, dude. When Mariah leaves us, we have to stay close. We have to have each other.

You know how certain things happen for a reason? There are so many things that I could name that I'm thankful for. Let me explain. Charlotte took my ipod to Westville, accidentally. Every other song was a song from a cd he made me. That would've hurt so bad. I changed my wallpaper because of the happiness the picture of Brooke and I's feet gave me. Seeing him would've hurt so bad. His wrist tape came down because I needed the needle that was holding it up there against the silly flower picture I painted this summer. God knows everything to do. That night, Greg texted me. He just needs a friend, but I don't want to fall back in.

Please don't tell my secrets. This is all I have, all I am. Keep it in, locked tight.

I appreciate every word you said, every little thing I thought was golden and it's all gone now.

I think that I feel God so much more in the fall and winter. Which was said by Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz, but it's so true. The trees change, and it's colder; lonelier.

Alone - all one.

Confusing, right? That's what I thought.

I really don't know what it's like to be alone, but I feel so alone. I have a few, some, but I just feel alone. It's my fault, probably. Not trying to push anything in any direction, but I don't feel fulfilled like I used to. I dunno, it's just fall.

It'll be nice to be back on solid ground again. Not dependent, not lonely. I'll be satisfied. It's going to take a surgery. Just won't be a little baby cut, it'll take weeks.

I got the weirdest urge to talk to my cousin Jordan today who lives in Illinois. I haven't talked to her since I was probably 7? She's about 21 now and she's engaged. She seems like such an interesting person who I think would really help me in life. Mostly in spiritual things. She's so in touch with God, I'm almost jealous. Kind of ironic if you think about it.

The planets need to align, it's freaking us all out. There's something sort of eerie about lately and I'm not diggin' it. I could've cried when the three of us were talking about the downfall of someone close to us. All of our friends are all so deep into drugs, like, it's going to take a huge slap in the face for them to realize they've been going down this huge spiral. We'll have to be there, have to pray for them.

season change

the thing is - i haven't felt anything good in awhile.

that's a lie.

I've felt good things, just not things that literally make me burn inside because it feels so good.

today I felt that.

I spent so much time with my best friend. painting, laughing, creating, sharing.

I love her and used to feel so distant.

I'm becoming less dependent on other things, which I think is good. Nothing is permanent. Not hatred, anger, not even love. Everything changes, but not everything has changed.

We created an etsy account today because we actually need to do something with our talent and creativity that we're overflowing with. There are so many opportunities.

We took so many pictures. Painted so many things. Sewed, searched for buttons. It felt good.

It's fall. You can hear it. You can feel it. You walk outside and hear the crunching of leaves and it's probably my favorite feeling. I love the way the leaves all pile up on the sides of the street. You drive and the leaves just swirl around you in different colors. My favorite colors.

Nothing can recreate it. You can't draw it, you can't try to explain it... it is it's own thing. Fall has always been my absolute favorite season. You can start drinking hot coffee again. Tights are always on my legs, and I wear the same dumb little booties every day because it's fall. I text old friends because it's fall. I can't stop crying because it's fall and I feel every single emotion because.. it's fall.

I don't want it to end. However, nothing is permanent.

I have so much on my mind and I don't have enough motivation to fulfill everything. Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, because I have.

It's fall and I can feel so much.