quickly jotting down my love for the blanket of stars in westville. how i think they make lines to point right down to the horizon line. how nearly every time i look up, i see a shooting star. the town is magic, i swear.
my love for charlotte. she's my definition of who i am or was or who i'm ever going to be. her and kaitlin, they've got so much of me.
jotting down to remember how happy and privileged i felt when my grandma gave me that old book of polaroids of my dad when he was little. god, i could cry.
remembering how natural it was to walk into jacob's house, to hug his mom and hang out with him and his brother miles. how natural it all is. how that town is my heart.
forgetting everyone else.
how i don't really think about you anymore.
how we all have secrets
how we all hide things
how we all like to be alone.
remember remember remember.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
somedays
maybe that's just it. Maybe I am meant to be alone, and maybe people aren't at my disposal. Maybe I shouldn't want to lie about little things and maybe doors are flying open I'm just too caught up in staying constant that I'm being blinded. Maybe I'm not what I always thought I was, but wait. I'm not everything that everyone wants for me. Two different planes. Not even comparable. I don't want to say yes, and I can't even give a genuine "thank you" when people try to plan out my life in a direction I've never considered for myself. I turn the paper and read from their perspective and I try to get it. I try to comprehend and sometimes I just end up banging my head on the table. Thank you or I'm sorry or hello. Maybe I'm meant to be alone in this.
fall fresh ing
dreams in daytime naps are always the strangest.
i had gone to see charlotte with someone, i don't ever remember who it was, but they were safe. and instead of her going to school at MIT, she went to school in some place surrounded by old enchanting buildings, bricks dark red, and at the top of this mountain. we had to ride this bus up the spiral road along side the mountain, and i remember that i wasn't scared. i just kept looking at the buildings and clouds zooming by. we finally got to this room where we were having a meeting, and bubbles were all over the room. we were all trying to touch them because they were three-dimensional, and at once, this little tan girl jumped over the edge to get to one, but she didn't fall. she floated because of what i knew was helium. but she didn't rise, she just drifted easily down to the ground.
after this, i don't really remember what happened. it was a part of dreams that sort of just goes black until you remember the next part.
which was a bunch of people from my old highschool doing tricks on a bike for some sort of initiation. this was taking place in the middle of this main intersection of westville, and my friend ben hutchens was the traffic director and he just smiled and hugged me like he always does. always.
after that we met up with charlotte in this parking lot that was extremely crowded. there were so many cars, and it was nighttime. mayra was with me and she got to meet both charlotte and kaitlin. charlotte had this idea to move my car, and she took initiative and ended up scraping the side of my car on another parked car. i was so afraid because all my parents ever tell me about my car is that i only have liability........ but instead of there being a scuff, there was a number imprinted on the side. "128". mayra had to leave, and she backed out of the narrow path and waved goodbye to kaitlin.
mountains: if you have been on top of a mountain in your dream, it symbolized you've achieved a goal.
i was so comfortable up there it was incredible.
'128': happened to be the date november 12th at 8 oclock. all really strange that the numbers were put together like that, but it makes so much sense.
a girl from tumblr just messaged me, and i talked on the phone to my grandma for thirty minutes today. i cannot wait to see her. to see kaitlin, and to see charlotte again. i feel so safe, and fall is so refreshing.
keep these good vibes flowing.
i had gone to see charlotte with someone, i don't ever remember who it was, but they were safe. and instead of her going to school at MIT, she went to school in some place surrounded by old enchanting buildings, bricks dark red, and at the top of this mountain. we had to ride this bus up the spiral road along side the mountain, and i remember that i wasn't scared. i just kept looking at the buildings and clouds zooming by. we finally got to this room where we were having a meeting, and bubbles were all over the room. we were all trying to touch them because they were three-dimensional, and at once, this little tan girl jumped over the edge to get to one, but she didn't fall. she floated because of what i knew was helium. but she didn't rise, she just drifted easily down to the ground.
after this, i don't really remember what happened. it was a part of dreams that sort of just goes black until you remember the next part.
which was a bunch of people from my old highschool doing tricks on a bike for some sort of initiation. this was taking place in the middle of this main intersection of westville, and my friend ben hutchens was the traffic director and he just smiled and hugged me like he always does. always.
after that we met up with charlotte in this parking lot that was extremely crowded. there were so many cars, and it was nighttime. mayra was with me and she got to meet both charlotte and kaitlin. charlotte had this idea to move my car, and she took initiative and ended up scraping the side of my car on another parked car. i was so afraid because all my parents ever tell me about my car is that i only have liability........ but instead of there being a scuff, there was a number imprinted on the side. "128". mayra had to leave, and she backed out of the narrow path and waved goodbye to kaitlin.
mountains: if you have been on top of a mountain in your dream, it symbolized you've achieved a goal.
i was so comfortable up there it was incredible.
'128': happened to be the date november 12th at 8 oclock. all really strange that the numbers were put together like that, but it makes so much sense.
a girl from tumblr just messaged me, and i talked on the phone to my grandma for thirty minutes today. i cannot wait to see her. to see kaitlin, and to see charlotte again. i feel so safe, and fall is so refreshing.
keep these good vibes flowing.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
space cadet
last night, after locking pinkies, and kissing on it, i embarked on such a mind-opening adventure.
i was tired and heavy near the beginning, just wanting to be heldddd and touched.
the giggles kicked in and it was all uphill from there.
we bought suckers and went into the castle.
the art. the art sent me turning and opened my eyes. especially saxon's, there were so so many dimensions.
the lights started going, and we started dancing.
the floor became three dimensional. sort of see-through, and it was beautiful.
i kept my hands locked most times, reminding myself that it's only me.
i kept thinking about how it's only me, and that's all that it will ever be. especially in my own body. it's only me.
no one else existed for a lonnnng while. people weren't annoying or my friend, but they were safety. or they were lovely. or they were overwhelming. mayra was safe to the point where she had a glowing aura about her. andrew was safe. andrew and bailey were beautiful. like it was magical.
the red room was overwhelming, and the bathroom walls were like playdough in the sense that they were moldable. the floor was moving, and i couldn't look in the mirror. my eyes would melt across my face, and i couldn't take it. but bailey was never distorted. she was pure as day.
a smile was plastered across my face to the point that it was painful. i kept grabbing my jaw to try to relax it, and as harrrrd as i would try not to smile, it was impossible.
i laughed at everything, and for hours on end, i did not care about my cell phone or anyone else.
my teeth were so sensitive, and i didn't want anyone to touch me. it was only me.
only i existed.
near the end, a lot of strange people came crawling out of nowhere and it made me a little apprehensive. the safety mama noticed, and andrew drove us back to austin and mayra's.
andrew has never made me feel more safe.
after i laughed everything out, i was just so happy. visuals calmed down, and as soon as i thought i was coming down, something would be hysterical. i was so comfortable in my body and in travis' apartment. we just hung out with the same circle of people we always see.
bowls were passed around, and i smoked them with confidence. it was then that things starting growing again. the face on the wall was pulsing past corben. corben was stable and just smiling as usual. the rhino and all of the designs on the inside. the waka poster. some things i even accepted always looked like they were in motion. like the mural behind the couch. the pattern on the couch. i just thought they always sort of danced with me.
bailey and i drove home and listened to sufjan. fuck. like sufjan.............
the train lights triggered us again, and we had to focus in on being happy and locked in on the road.
after a shower together, we laid in my bed. i let her have my favorite quilt, and we turned on Rocko's Modern Life. scariest show in reality, i had to turn it off.
closing my eyes, trying to fall asleep before i had to wake up for work, my over-active mind created images after images that would grow and pulse. music was being created in my head, and i couldn't stop it. i wanted to hear and see nothing for so long, but after i focused on my breathing pattern, it was right to sleep.
sleep until morning and space cadet until nap time.
i was tired and heavy near the beginning, just wanting to be heldddd and touched.
the giggles kicked in and it was all uphill from there.
we bought suckers and went into the castle.
the art. the art sent me turning and opened my eyes. especially saxon's, there were so so many dimensions.
the lights started going, and we started dancing.
the floor became three dimensional. sort of see-through, and it was beautiful.
i kept my hands locked most times, reminding myself that it's only me.
i kept thinking about how it's only me, and that's all that it will ever be. especially in my own body. it's only me.
no one else existed for a lonnnng while. people weren't annoying or my friend, but they were safety. or they were lovely. or they were overwhelming. mayra was safe to the point where she had a glowing aura about her. andrew was safe. andrew and bailey were beautiful. like it was magical.
the red room was overwhelming, and the bathroom walls were like playdough in the sense that they were moldable. the floor was moving, and i couldn't look in the mirror. my eyes would melt across my face, and i couldn't take it. but bailey was never distorted. she was pure as day.
a smile was plastered across my face to the point that it was painful. i kept grabbing my jaw to try to relax it, and as harrrrd as i would try not to smile, it was impossible.
i laughed at everything, and for hours on end, i did not care about my cell phone or anyone else.
my teeth were so sensitive, and i didn't want anyone to touch me. it was only me.
only i existed.
near the end, a lot of strange people came crawling out of nowhere and it made me a little apprehensive. the safety mama noticed, and andrew drove us back to austin and mayra's.
andrew has never made me feel more safe.
after i laughed everything out, i was just so happy. visuals calmed down, and as soon as i thought i was coming down, something would be hysterical. i was so comfortable in my body and in travis' apartment. we just hung out with the same circle of people we always see.
bowls were passed around, and i smoked them with confidence. it was then that things starting growing again. the face on the wall was pulsing past corben. corben was stable and just smiling as usual. the rhino and all of the designs on the inside. the waka poster. some things i even accepted always looked like they were in motion. like the mural behind the couch. the pattern on the couch. i just thought they always sort of danced with me.
bailey and i drove home and listened to sufjan. fuck. like sufjan.............
the train lights triggered us again, and we had to focus in on being happy and locked in on the road.
after a shower together, we laid in my bed. i let her have my favorite quilt, and we turned on Rocko's Modern Life. scariest show in reality, i had to turn it off.
closing my eyes, trying to fall asleep before i had to wake up for work, my over-active mind created images after images that would grow and pulse. music was being created in my head, and i couldn't stop it. i wanted to hear and see nothing for so long, but after i focused on my breathing pattern, it was right to sleep.
sleep until morning and space cadet until nap time.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
square. one.
another breaking point?
um.
maybe this is the day that everything is scraped riiiight back to square one.
i think so.
i'm back in this bed. in these walls, this sound and the same 'i don't wanna move to go wash my face' feeling. feeling apathetic. sorrrrt of. but all of these pictures from yoga magazines is a breath of fresh air. i just want the usual coffee, yanno? make myself some oatmeal, and drink coffee. with wet hair.
i've never gone to school with wet hair.
but tomorrow.
this is a new start.
god.
i have so many things to say, but because i've had them pulled out of me, i'm exhausted.
remind me tomorrow.
um.
maybe this is the day that everything is scraped riiiight back to square one.
i think so.
i'm back in this bed. in these walls, this sound and the same 'i don't wanna move to go wash my face' feeling. feeling apathetic. sorrrrt of. but all of these pictures from yoga magazines is a breath of fresh air. i just want the usual coffee, yanno? make myself some oatmeal, and drink coffee. with wet hair.
i've never gone to school with wet hair.
but tomorrow.
this is a new start.
god.
i have so many things to say, but because i've had them pulled out of me, i'm exhausted.
remind me tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
fresher out here
This is all that matters in the long run.
Maybe. Just a collection of thoughts, some organizations because that's everything I'm lacking. My schedule can't even remain on the right path. I eat soup made with vegetables, and i drink unsweetened tea all of the time. Literally it's replacing the blood in each one of my veins. I'm all cloudy. I'm always clouds and light kind of heavier since a while back. Heavier than Boston.
Boston.
I could've missed my flight and never. cared.
God. Just let me marry Charlotte.
I'm one step closer to my "successful coffee shop" as of today. He kept saying that. I could've kissed him on the mouth. Inching toward it, nearing the east coast where my heart has always always been. Over there tempting the ocean.
Maybe. Just a collection of thoughts, some organizations because that's everything I'm lacking. My schedule can't even remain on the right path. I eat soup made with vegetables, and i drink unsweetened tea all of the time. Literally it's replacing the blood in each one of my veins. I'm all cloudy. I'm always clouds and light kind of heavier since a while back. Heavier than Boston.
Boston.
I could've missed my flight and never. cared.
God. Just let me marry Charlotte.
I'm one step closer to my "successful coffee shop" as of today. He kept saying that. I could've kissed him on the mouth. Inching toward it, nearing the east coast where my heart has always always been. Over there tempting the ocean.
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