numbers no paintings

i don't even know what to say or where to begin. i'm sorry;

those words have sunken into clay,

and they don't even make sense anymore because you are light like a feather.

you don't believe me. you never believe me, and you put on this face

then erase it away. you shake it because it's me.

because it's you. it's all you and i guess instead of paint and colors;

dreams and visions and braids,

i need numbers. i need words, i need touch.

but i haven't had any of that until a few nights ago.

about the mountain man. the vegetarian. the Buddhist meditation.

you came back and i put us in this room together

with blue walls,

a huge lotus and we are birthed in the same room.

but i push that away because i forget that you

have fallen for a rose. a delicate,

blood thirsty rose with fresh squeezed lime.

and you. you keep adding onto your art

and your small little body.

all i want to do is road trip with you.

but you don't hear me.

you can't hear me,

i can't even hear myself over the visions of waves.

i picture myself by the sea, with layers upon layers blowing

with my curly hair.

it's always moving

moving away to different states.

different states of mind.

i'm flipping, but i'm finally steady.

i'm steady and can you evennn hearrrr meeeeeeeeeeeee.

please hear me

because you kept my hand guided.

you kept books in my bag,

and those delicate, intricate things tucked gently away.

away from my cave.

away from my state of mind.

you kept me pure.

when did i become so reliant.

i just really want to go back to the ocean.

back to the guitars and the music,

back to my books.

drown me in words, i used to stay under.

shine in meeeeeeee

and please hear me out that you are my blood,

and i don't mean to hurt you.

i have to do this for me.

please.

please.

hear. me. out.

pour me some tea

and let me get lost in my

peace of mind.

my chest and heart have opened further than ever,

but you're lost in your colors and paintings.

open your chest

and breathe me in.

this rain

open your heart and mind and soul.
relax your body

because nothing should hurt.

only let things in that you would be proud of.

your body is a temple

clean

pure

and

holy.

love should be extended

and your mind should be open

and relaxed

just relax.

relax.

calm down

and everything changes

everything happens for a reason.

you are free and i am free

and this rain is making me want to cry

i can't read

i can't even write.

i just want to remind myself that

my heart and mind and soul should be open.

wide. open.

being alive; that's the treasure.

i have it

i haven't written in a while, and it's sure not because of lack of time. but because i really don't have anything to say that's worth reading.

i have it.

i haven't told anyone this because i've been trying to fight it. i don't even know how to describe the way i feel sometimes. displaced? surreal? but not like a haze sort of feeling, but absence. and it's scary. and i have to talk myself out of it. i have to distract myself from feeling like life isn't real.

and you guys help me do it.

i remember sitting around the table, you're all so loving. out in the middle of nowhere at your house, and you're all so loving. and the thing is, there is no substance that can make me feel as full as that group did that time. and it was a perfect group. a few imperfections, and some of you had inhaled things inside of you that could've made you that way, but i don't care because it made you beautiful.

you're all beautiful. and you all keep me distracted and uplifted.

you're all so loving.

it's you. and it's a few others that keep me distracted. it's pages and pages of words that i keep reading. that i tape to my walls, my doors, and it keeps me level-headed and above everything that my mind tries to convince me is right.

it's all wrong.

everything is wrong,

except the beauty in you.

and across the country at a music festival. you're the most beautiful one.

uttermost secrets.

Last night I had probably one of the weirdest dreams I've had in quite sometime, and I remember nearly ever aspect.

according to my stuffing hangers in my backpack, I'm "getting the hang of a situation, or needing motivation". and to remember, I was putting the hangers - there were so many, i was stuffing them all in my backpack. this represents that there's some decision or responsibility that's weighing me down, and Bailey Walker helped me through it, I suppose. She led me through muddy waters. I was barefoot and she commented, "I wish I could feel ittttt".

Mud: suggests that you are involved in a sticky, messy situation. also that you need internal cleansing.

After all of this, my friend Kaitlin and I went to the snowcone stand in my car. But something happened to where I couldn't leave and I started to have anxieties so I took off running. I was so passionate about it, and so exhilerated. I ran for so long, headed towards my house. While I was waiting on one of the lights, this boy on a bike asked why I was running and included my name. I had never seen him before, but he touched my arm and I didn't even question how he knew my name because the light turned green and I took off again.

First of all, to dream that I am running away from someone signifies that I'm trying to avoid a situation. To run alone means that I'm surpassing the ones around me, or that I need to "hurry up and make a decision".

A stoplight symbolizes that I feel like I'm being held back from one of my goals.

Then I read that "To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice."

Okay, so I'm still running and I run into my friend Alan who grabs me and is telling me that the stranger is stalking me and he doesn't know why I even talked to him. He pulls me down behind this wall by the street and his eyes are puffy and red. He's high, and he's telling me that I need to smoke with him. That he has weed on him and that it'd be so easy. I keep denying and finally I take off running again.

"If someone else is using marijuana or trying to get your to use it, then it indicates negative peer pressure or loss of control".

After I'm running again, I run into a small, construction area that I have to crawl threw. But crawling slows down my pace, so I decide that I need to get on the upper level and run that way. But the upper level is upside down, so I'm struggling and spinning, and I get back down on the first level and run while I'm knocking my head on the boards above me.

"To see construction in your dream, signifies a new surge of energy, growth, ambition and renewed confidence. It may also represent the rebuilding of your own life."

"To dream that you are spinning, signifies confusion. You are feeling out of control."

This is all I remember because then my phone was ringing - Mariah waking me up.

it's funny how much in sharing your dreams, you're in turn sharing your uttermost battles and secrets. Like the other day, I was sharing with Mariah, Bailey and Kyler that I had a dream that this huge snake was thrown at me. Bailey then shares that snakes represent sexual desires......

....

..

. ...

..

.

.

.......

how do I respond to that?

I bleached some of my hair today, and got a million and one applications, an on the spot interview, and several hopefuls.

fingers crossed.

bird song

last night i dreamt that Lady Gaga sang Healer by Kari Jobe.

there's so much more i could say. that i need to say and write down.

like jacob

and my birthday

how i graduated,

what i'm getting.

where i'm going.

my frustrations that are so deep within.

going to usao now.