skinny love

sometimes all i can see when i close my eyes is the way i rode my bike past truman. i remember the way it felt and how it was sort of hard to go up that little slight hill. i need my bike air pump. whatever. he neds his english book. sometimes i see him and wonder if he sees me. i don't know that i really care, but i still wonder. he looks so proud and so different. he doesn't look the same. maybe he always has. his big black coat. his tiny white car, it's all so different. a big part of me loves it. i hope he doesn't talk about me. i don't want to be in his stories. his friends still wave at me, except for the girls who just sort of make sure i'm wearing weird things. they all look me up and down. every single time. or they glare at me. three more months. just three. not even. sometimes i don't know if i can make it, and other times when i think about it, my chest sort of caves in and my heart stops. three months. ill also be eighteen. i'll be legal. i'll be nearly grown. i feel different than i did two years ago, i really do feel like i've changed. especially in my writings. i was so straight forward and sure. now i'm constantly second guessing every action. i sort of like that better sometimes. i think it's strengthening. i love that i've kept journals for 5 years. i like that even when i was little liked to write. i wrote backwards on our furniture when i was young. i would write my moms name of all things. i've always admired her. there's something about her that makes me want to cry. i could cry. everyone is growing. everyone is moving and changing and transforming. it's weird to think about what's in front of my. where i'm headed and where i'll be in even 5 months. that's nothing. 5 months? in four months Ruben is staying in oklahoma. i. cannot. wait. he's going to make this summer so much better. ruben, the ocean, possibly waka, definitely many roadtrips, new memories and saying goodbye. i won't be able to do it. last night was so warm, i want you all to stay right by me. two hours even seems so far away. i don't know, i think we can do it. i don't know.

frozen jellyfish

february 23

mariah was born 18 years ago today.

it's been an all around good day. i've been constantly surrounded by good, beautiful people and kind hearts. from the morning i stepped out of my garage until this moment. sitting on this cheetah-printed chase lounge.
i don't ever want this comfort to leave or flee from these bones.

driving in michael's tiny orange mustang with 3 of the most perfect people. such a comfort. daydreaming about when we're going to be on the highway together again going to Copeland's farewell tour. listening to copeland. singing. harmonizing. we were all so happpyyyy.

dreaming of the sun on our skin, the time we're going to get to tulsa.

how we're going to cry.

the sky's going to be pitch black on our way home.

i don't want to become frozen jellyfish.

catch my dreams

today didn't feel like friday. i woke up in a different room. i woke up to my internal clock, 57 minutes before my alarm was set to wake me up.

funny dreams that felt so real.

Dwayne's birthday party in third hour, i wasn't there much. either copying CLC pages or visiting mariah. she gave me two grape tomatoes in exchange for two cookies.

:) mmm.

i had a two hour nap, and i still feel like i could sleep until my eyes won't even open anymore.

i broke off whatever alan and i had. because i honestly feel like i'm supposed to be alone. he understood that at first, then it got too far. we got too close, and i felt uneasy about it. i have to learn to follow my heart. i've never learned how to do that, even after awhile of realizing it's a problem of mine.

i'm sorry if that flaw of mine has hurt you.

know that.

in sweatpants and my 80s tennis shirt, i wish i were with you in new york city. you're completely blessed beyond recognition, and this is exactly what you needed. i'm praying for you always. i feel like i haven't seen nor talked to you in days, but we've talked at least a little bit ever since the day you left.

i'm so tired. my fingers barely move, but i felt like i needed to write.

i am surrounded by webs and feathers. marking every corner of my room.

for you

i hope you're enjoying new york city. i really think it'll be everything you need it to be. space, interesting things to give you inspiration, and a time to rest. i'm so glad you went, even though i know i'm going to feel empty without you to be my lunch partner tomorrow. we've gone every thursday for the longest time. you're experiencing the business of new york city. tonight youll see what i meant when the lights on times square are blinding. but those hotels really put in the right blinds. closing them is like hiding the sun, and it's amazing. youll notice how cars still honk outside your window at 2 in the morning. i hope you read this and it gives you rest.

"while we were friends"

basically broken up with, i can't tell if i should rejoice or feel broken. a wrote a note to someone i used to consider my best friend. i poured out every emotion in 7 pages. i gave it to her, left it on her backpack. it was everything that had been laying on me. heavily. i get no response whatsoever. when i question if she read it, her words exactly were, 'yes i did. sorry i'm at workkk'. understandable, so i don't respond. no response. no word. until this morning. of course it was this morning because this morning was the worst i've had in i couldn't tell you how long. started off waking up from an awful dream that i could've cried from. i woke up feeling dirty and used and abused. i felt disgusting. living in that haziness that morning, i slammed my finger in my dresser door. made funny tasting coffee. hit my head - yeah, i know - on the door frame of my garage. sort of just drove unknowingly to school. parked. walked into the art room with frozen fingers like i do every morning. mariah michael bailey brooke. after small talk of the morning, the first bell rings. she hands me a note written on old, faded paper. she designed the trim. hand drawn in pen. it was then that i received the most demeaning, bitter response letter i think i've ever gotten. she used the words 'while we were friends'. and signed out, 'bye.'

i'm confused. did i just lose a 'best friend'? or did i lose a friend all together? i didn't know how to respond, so i just sat there looking at my collage. do i text her, write a response, hunt her down and pour out every word that can't explain what i'm thinking? can't explain my confusion.

i saw heather tonight at lifestream and i tell her that i had been broken up with, basically. she jokes around, and is shocked when i tell her that i feel as though she really has ended everything we ever knew together. we conclude that because of her personality, it'd be better to act sooner than later. i'm more of a "ride it out and see where it goes" kind of girl, but sometimes God places me in these positions for a reason.

as mariah and i are sitting in my driveway after lifestream, i get a text saying

'hey i think i'm just going to start riding with kimi to school'

i just sort of pause and mariah tells me i just have to jump into it or i never will.

i wouldn't.

i responded,

'can i call you?'

no response.

guess that's goodbye...?

today,

I've finally accepted that

i'm afraid of commitment.

of any sort.

remember

picking you up from econolodge hotel after my birthday dinners i attended.

going to walmart and buying the junk food we barely even ate.

getting to my empty house at about 10:30 and making your scrumptious mac and cheese you're so good at preparing.

eating it while watching Paper Hearts and slowly letting our eyes get heavy.

looking at each other, rubbing our heads, claiming how we're old women. how we're always tired extremely early.

chip dog.

waking up dozens of times in the night, suffocatingly hot.

waking up; 'no laughing in the morning' with sleepy smiles smeared across our faces

walking into my kitchen and making orange cinnamon rolls - 8 of them.

sitting on my couch for 2 hours, eating every single one of our cinnamon rolls, watching america's next top model like i do every saturday of my life.

finally putting on jeans and our hoodies to go get the valentines day cake for my parents who were out of town. we slept alone in my empty house.

making a pit stop at atomic pop?

getting back and not wanting to stay inside because it was 55 degrees that day.

back in my car, drive to your house.

go to the beadery. take pictures with diana, chitty chat with theresa.

a woman asked if i was reese's sister.

crawl back into monica, sip from the big white cup we filled with water.

drive.

decide to go knock on the door of the four-story house we've always admired.

we just ran out of scooby snacks............ we ate all 1o.

pull into the driveway of that house. park my car.

it's an apartment building sort of house. they all share a main door. the one that was swung wide open. there was a porch swing, and you kept telling me you thought the house was haunted.

approach the door, knock, ring the doorbell. no one answers. maybe another day.

leaving, turning onto berry -

"he's cute.... TAYLOR!"

following him, honking and smiling in our big sunglasses. yours made of antique glass, mine reflective. you gave them to me.

driving baaaackkk and forrrttth watching him wash his car. we had so much time, why not creep on him? we did this about 6 times to be exact.

finally deciding to go to our first mcdonalds pee break of the day.

afterwards deciding that we need to go to the asian market in the city.

stop for gas and squishies as my brother always calls them.

driving up there with the windows down, wind through our hair.

meeting kyler in the parking lot.

walking through the market at all of the colors, all of the pushy people, all of the duck heads and pork hearts. the cooked octopus.

kyler tried to get the little pores to suction to his finger, haha.

leaving, we followed kyler to his house in yukon to get the presents he had for you.

'just 15 minutes away.'

?

30 minutes later, arriving at his house, you get a bracelet with a little red bird sewn on.

he was late for church.

we headed back to norman after our second mcdonalds pee break of the day.

in the midst of driving, we get a call from michael. he's with kathleen and graham.

dinner in bricktown with all of them. ryan josh graham kathleen gab michael you me.

chilenos.

after dinner and conversation,

gab asking kathleen about her tattoo on her ankle,

we leave.

we walk back to my car we paid 8 dollars to park.

michael follows me in his little orange mustang to the gas station.

we pee. again.

you get in his car and we depart for the first time in 24 hours.

he takes you home safely on I-35.

I drive right on through to noble to meet kayla - colby's girlfriend.

in terri's kitchen, my phone breaks. drops to the floor and the screen is fried. it's okay, just a phone.

follow zac and kayli back to their house to get the blackberry.

my eyes are so heavy. i'm weary.

kayli and i go to walmart and buy redvines and a valentines card.

we drive back.

i'm home by 12.

i don't remember falling asleep.

i don't remember getting into bed.

i remember him telling me that celia approves. who's celia?

maybe i just can't see it

WHERE DID YOU GO?

what happeneeeeedddddddddddddddddddddddddd

where are youuuuuuuuu

:/

no one has to fight the haziness of you

because you're so boldly different.

but where did you go?

turning purple

i don't think i belong here, with my little red heart on my pinky.

along with my chipping, wine-colored nails. I don't belong here.

i'm not done

i wore my mom's sweater today. black/white mix. white stripe around the left arm.

I've gotten more compliments on it than anything i own. i feel so comfortable in it. it smells just like she always does. it's big, it's got nice buttons, and i want to own it.

my stomach is burning, and i'm so curious and nervous. what are you really thinking, why did you step into my life so suddenly and where are we headed?

i wonder what you're thinking.

what's in your head?

where did everyone go.

i want to learn all there is to know about the people i don't know.

maybe im hungry.

maybe i want tea.

maybe i'm scared.

maybe i miss you, and our constant conversations.

maybe.

-------

I went to lifestream tonight. It's tuesday.

It was incredible, and I loved the freedom of praise and worship. having so much space and not feeling constricted to a small area. i had room.

"In all my life, every season, You are still God"

the topic was on "the bed". How girls should respect their bodies more, and realize the beauty and value that God has placed in us. How we should find our independence in Christ instead of earthly beings.

That's the thing that stood out the furthest that, still to this day, I'm trying to digest.

God, tonight, please give me rest.

please.

i just wanna go to the ocean.

i just want to go somewhere after sitting in a car for days. travelling, windows down and loud music. i don’t want to eat anything, i want to drink tea. you can come with me, i guess. when we make it to the shore, we never have to move. we don’t have to please anyone except maybe each other. that’s no chore though. we can write in our notebooks, listen to music, make bracelets. at night, when the breeze rushes over the waves and through our hair, we can protect our skin by wrapping my quilt around our shoulders. close our eyes and look up to feel the on our faces. we can wear the same clothes everyday and not care. who are we pleasing? where did we leave our shoes? our make up? our phones are lost in the water and our pen has replaced it’s place in our pockets.

re stacks

sometimes i like having braces.

i really don't care.

i want to be warm and in the ocean somewhere.

i don't want to shower ever again.

i'm too dry and too clean and too flowy.

let me just beeeee and sitttt and reaaaaadddddd

i cannot wait for this cold to be far away from us.

cannot. wait.

hands of bone

quartz portfolio -

mmmmmmmm

Dreaming

Tugging like vines from the ground

against the old brick wall I grew up next to.

Growing in sync with the blooming weeds.

Attracting the insects

and beings

with our prints and designs.

Harmoniously singing

along with the wind chimes

that hung as an amulet off the branch.

The swing set

no longer a play area,

but an art form of lines and a house.

Spreading our wings,

extending our body-length arms

towards the clouds,

trying to obtain the planets;

the soaring, glowing meteors.

Worth The Wait

Alone in solitude,

comfortable and warm

laying in the sand near the salty ocean.

She whispers as her waves hit the shore;

hitting as easily as exhaling.

Inhaling.

She holds the lives of spineless,

soft creatures in her palms.

Grasped by the extremities of the cold ground

covered with granules.

Sticks protruding from the earth below her;

her womb.

She births life,

round and full of tiny

creatures that long to be adored.

Long to be moved

to a higher place.

A warmer surrounding.

Long to be near me,

comfortable and warm.

We’ll Be Found

Woven string,

our hearts

connected in patterns

and dyed different colors.

Created and used

in different fibers.

Fibers that hold

and sustain

our body

that aches,

almost cries,

for the familiarity

of the old cloth we continually throw aside.

Wasting away,

yet increasing it’s beauty.

It’s vibrance.

Saving it’s color,

preserving it’s quality.

We are all just

unknowingly attached.

Push and pull, we’re there.

Together we’re here.

Fully functioning;

a part of each other

hanging side by side in the same closet.

Waiting to be remembered,

waiting to be seen.

We are preserved on a shelf,

like a spectacle

in a little glass bottle.

Dried flowers;

crisp

in the vase

collecting dust,

losing importance.

We are not alone.

We are all together.

Push and pull, we’re there.

Together we’re here.

Fully functioning;

a part of each other.

Red Truck

You can see right through me.

Gliding planes,

I wish you could see the whole vision.

The golden reflection of the moon

around every object.

The black trees outlined by the glow.

Every insect is singing in unity,

each star is shining,

some dim and some brightly.

So open and liberated

in the back of an old red truck.

The hum of a sister sleeping,

the warmth of these well-knit blankets.

Humidity is no stranger,

only making things grow.

Through every vein

and every muscle;

I can feel it

Every emotion, every thought.

I hear a drum of a heartbeat,

quivering of a lip,

as the moon

quietly sneaks back

into her pocket

in the big open sky.

Always turning always spinning,

and we don't feel a thing.

Gravity pulling us down

and keeping us stable.

We don't really notice until we

take a minute to think

about the trees,

the moon, the stars -

all God's creation.

Our hearts are tightly wound

in the vulnerable space

where our minds have room to think,

to feel

and

to recognize

the beauty in front of us --

it's always there.

Always changing.

With the seasons

and as things grow.

Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Bringing us closer to the ground,

humbling us,

as gravity treats

the earth.

muse

He wrote me a song.

He recorded it at his church with Tola. He wrote me a song. What does this mean? Where are we? Even bigger - where are we going?

"Rough Draft" tomorrow.

what does this mean?

a song about be, inspired by me.

I am not. n.o.t. a muse.

i've never considered myself something worth writing about. something worth composing about.

this speaks volumes, but obviously "it's not that big".

it's huge.

it's bigger than he thinks.

to me.

read/notecards

i. am. restless.

i've been at barnes and noble for an hour now. I've read 10 pages of the book i'm supposed to be nearly done with. it's really interesting, and i feel strangely inspired when i read it, so I have to keep stopping?

there's something comforting about being this restless and hearing the beat of a pencil on a tabletop paired with a piano.

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i just watched a 6 minute video of this guy cutting his hair.

the song just changed.

thursdays will always be ours

some nights seem perfect.

some seem like i'm right where i'm supposed to be.

i don't have a worry and i don't care that i'm not even tired yet.

i don't care about tomorrow and i don't care about right now because there's something bigger than time.

time.

don't hurry and remember the sabbath.

lifestream needs to become a habitual thing for mariah and i. it was nice to have our group growing into more than 3 people. today there were 5.

and the way you sang? made Healer even better.

do you know the way you move me?

thursdays will always be ours no matter what tries to separate us. don't forget about how important those days are to us, i never will be able to. you mean more than i've stated. i don't know if i can even put it into words everything that we've been through. but we're growing.

do you know the way you move me ?

sometimes i wish i was someone else. or i wish that i lived with someone else, and experienced the same things they did. i look at the pictures of white doors, sun shining in through the window. table by the double doors, flowers. hardwood floors. i wish i lived there. or knew the person that did so i could sit there and never leave that spot. maybe things like this are all around me and i have no idea because my mind is shut off. things are too familiar.

i want to live in a big big city where everyone's too busy for me.

or what i want especially is to be comfortable with everyone around me. i think i could name a good 3 people who i feel especially comfortable with no matter the circumstances. not including my family. why is that? why am i not sociable? will i ever be?

it's sort of annoying that everything has to be this big ordeal because i don't want to be "stuck". yanno, i do miss you. i really do. but sometimes you're overwhelming, and like i've stated before, i honestly feel like you take me for granted. that hurts and i think i lose a little respect for you there. :/ i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

" i see everytime you seek my face

i see every movement of your heart towards me

i see every little movement of your heart towards me.

i see your love.

my beloved, i see your heart. "

i just want to write sometimes.

secrets:

"I'm more afraid of my past than my future"

that's so true, not only to him, but in my life. it's sad. i think of all of these ways i could resolve it and make everything better, but i really think i'll have to cut every tie. every single one and i'm not ready. it's woven deep into my skin, ready to blow through as the toughness of my skin wears away. maybe it's getting thicker. please get thicker.

we're growing together, it's almost like we're the same person. we have more similarities than i ever imagined. we keep discovering each and everyone, yet it's no surprise. it's almost a given.

i really miss being your friend.

i read that book of poetry, then i stop. because it's more than a book of pretty words.

i dunno, i can't really contact you. i don't know what to do.

i don't know what to do

i don't know

what

to

do.