it's just a pocket

We have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces.
Which is why I draw all over any paper that's in front of me. Why my walls are covered in pictures, paintings, notes. Why when we don't have plans, we feel empty.

I love watching movies, or reading books that leave you fulfilled. Like you haven't wasted so much of your spare time. It's so good to learn from these things. I've seen the same satisfying movie twice now. I've paid $18 to watch Sandra Bullock act like the weirdest girl in her red boots, carrying Steve's umbrella around, meeting the most genuine people. Falling for the wrong guy and having no idea. Being herself. So intelligent. So innocent and genuine. Being so real. Then opening up and telling you that we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. Which is why she enjoys creating crossword puzzles.

Ive been thinking about who I used to be. Nothing ever went wrong, I didn't have nearly as many annoying break downs. Not even breakdowns, just feelings that I let someone down. That I upset someone. That I didn't do the right thing. And I obsess over that, which is so annoying. SO annoying.
I miss that. But I love my life now. I want to go back to wearing dumb tights and socks to my knees. Not caring about my boyfriends ex girlfriend because in all reality, she doesn't matter to me. She doesn't matter to him, and I'm just obsessing over it so that I can create even more planets on my face that sprout from under my skin.

I'm going to Kansas City this weekend and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I get to see Charlotte next weekend.
I never get to see Collin.
I've let so many people get so far away.
I feel so selfish.
I can't read my government book.
I miss sitting on Mariah's bed and looking at flickr photos for so long.
I miss long hugs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss feeling infinite.
I miss Charlotte.
I miss J. Crew.
I miss the smell of the mountains.
I miss my sister.
I miss long hugs, where you never want to let go. Both squeezing so tight and telling each other how much you love each other. Planning the next trip to see each other. I need my best friend and she's 3 hours away.
I miss reading.
I miss straight A's.
I miss talking about God during Mrs. Sparks' class, not ever paying attention, because I was so into talking about God and creating an everlasting bond an memory, that I didn't even care. I got an A in that class.
I miss Collin.
I miss swimming, then watching movies in his room.
I miss his mom being in Korea because it was so easy.
I miss microwaved nachos and his cold room.
I want all of this back.
I want new memories, new relationships.
I want time to stop F L Y I N G.
I want my best friend to live with me!
I could go on for so long, because I have empty spaces that need to be filled. With something.