I need out of my AP English class.
Miller.
My friend Tyler had him when he was a senior and loved his class. "It changed my life.".....
Tyler is the type of guy who loves school. LOVES it. He's extremely smart and told me that Miller's class was a challenge to him - that scares me. I'm terrified. Everything that Miller says is so far above me. I doodle during class to help myself concentrate, but I catch myself writing things like "I NEED out of this class !", or once I heard Miller talk about something "oozing" so I drew this weird picture of something "oozing" out.
I don't feel like I should be on Miller's level, but I do feel like I should grab onto something he says, at least. And, I do.. I just don't see the relevance. Miller told us that he has high expectations and that he isn't easily impressed with writing. Writing is the majority of the whole class. I'm terrified. That's why I feel like I need out.
I signed up for the counselor today during zero hour, but didn't get called in. So I went after lunch to talk to her, and she told me that she's completely swamped and she's still on Friday's long long long long long list of people. Which means that I'm probably going to get some crazy writing assignment in Miller's class, be expected to do it, then be stressed out. I don't even know if it's possible for me to get out of his class. I love everyone in Miller's class. There's a really great circle of people in there and I hate to leave it, but I feel like I need to for the sake of my grade.
Stressed at day 3 of school.
Cool.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
remember to trust
7:34 am
My body automatically wakes me up and tells me it's the first day of school. Cool. Anxiousness fills my entire body and I can't fall back asleep. Not the "yeaaaaaahhh! First day of school!!!" kind of anxiousness.. it's the "...........first day of schooooolll.........." kind. The kind that you knew was coming and you want to just push it away.
Where did summer go? Seriously. My birthday was THE FIRST day of summer and it seems like a week ago, maybe. But now it's the end of August. When did August even begin? Where was the entire month of July? It's the weirdest feeling to just lose a whole season. I didn't even feel it go. I knew it was there and I cherished it for the most part, but then it just got comfortable and it seemed like any other day.
Being back in school doesn't feel any different. Not at all. It feels like I've been going to school the whole year, throughout the entire summer season, and I just went to class today for fun. The summer literally passed like a thought. It came and went so quickly. I didn't even feel it go.
I went to the beadery with my mom today after lunch. I made two beautiful necklaces.
One is completely random, with a bear in the middle. A strong, protective bear.
The other is long, extending down below my boobs, and has metal letters at the very center that spell out "T R U S T".
That's something I defintely need to work on. Not only trusting my friends, boyfriend, parents, family, leaders.. but trusting myself. Trusting my inner soul that always shouts at me and I just blow it off. I push everything aside and I just sit stagnantly and don't think or do anything. I just work on impulse most of the time. It gets so annoying. I think that's part of why I don't remember anything about my childhood. Even up to eighth grade. I have noooo idea what happened during eighth grade. I was the new weird girl who didn't know anyone. The only thing I really remember about that year was when I was walking in the halls with Hayley, who knew Jasmine, and Jasmine gave us both tootsie rolls. That's it. I remember one tiny little idiot tootsie roll. COOL.
That's partly the reason for my Trust necklace. The other reason is because I need to remember that guy up there in the sky - God. This guy I used to call my best friend. Lately, I forget to even talk to him sometimes. It's frustrating to think back on when I was so into Him. I was so into reading my Bible religiously and praying about every little thing. My mind was always set in His direction. Now sometimes I don't even think about Him? I really could get so mad at myself for that. Yet maybe it's not completely a bad thing? Maybe this is just some phase He knew I would go through. A lesson. I'm still learning. But I still believe that I need to remember Him, and when things get rough - which I'm expecting because my English class is going to be so hard to pass - I just need to trust.
My body automatically wakes me up and tells me it's the first day of school. Cool. Anxiousness fills my entire body and I can't fall back asleep. Not the "yeaaaaaahhh! First day of school!!!" kind of anxiousness.. it's the "...........first day of schooooolll.........." kind. The kind that you knew was coming and you want to just push it away.
Where did summer go? Seriously. My birthday was THE FIRST day of summer and it seems like a week ago, maybe. But now it's the end of August. When did August even begin? Where was the entire month of July? It's the weirdest feeling to just lose a whole season. I didn't even feel it go. I knew it was there and I cherished it for the most part, but then it just got comfortable and it seemed like any other day.
Being back in school doesn't feel any different. Not at all. It feels like I've been going to school the whole year, throughout the entire summer season, and I just went to class today for fun. The summer literally passed like a thought. It came and went so quickly. I didn't even feel it go.
I went to the beadery with my mom today after lunch. I made two beautiful necklaces.
One is completely random, with a bear in the middle. A strong, protective bear.
The other is long, extending down below my boobs, and has metal letters at the very center that spell out "T R U S T".
That's something I defintely need to work on. Not only trusting my friends, boyfriend, parents, family, leaders.. but trusting myself. Trusting my inner soul that always shouts at me and I just blow it off. I push everything aside and I just sit stagnantly and don't think or do anything. I just work on impulse most of the time. It gets so annoying. I think that's part of why I don't remember anything about my childhood. Even up to eighth grade. I have noooo idea what happened during eighth grade. I was the new weird girl who didn't know anyone. The only thing I really remember about that year was when I was walking in the halls with Hayley, who knew Jasmine, and Jasmine gave us both tootsie rolls. That's it. I remember one tiny little idiot tootsie roll. COOL.
That's partly the reason for my Trust necklace. The other reason is because I need to remember that guy up there in the sky - God. This guy I used to call my best friend. Lately, I forget to even talk to him sometimes. It's frustrating to think back on when I was so into Him. I was so into reading my Bible religiously and praying about every little thing. My mind was always set in His direction. Now sometimes I don't even think about Him? I really could get so mad at myself for that. Yet maybe it's not completely a bad thing? Maybe this is just some phase He knew I would go through. A lesson. I'm still learning. But I still believe that I need to remember Him, and when things get rough - which I'm expecting because my English class is going to be so hard to pass - I just need to trust.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
the last night
I love mornings.
My favorite part about them is the way the sun shines in my room, illuminating my walls. Making it so easy to comfortably wake up. But this morning was different. I woke up to rain. My room was gray, which was good for a change, because with school coming up quickly and so many things on my mind, I just need to relax.
Tonight is the last night of summer. Then Wednesday comes and it becomes a "school night"... Where you have to fall asleep early or you know your next day at school will be hard to get through. That never happens; falling asleep early. I either get caught up in a book, get a phone call, or I just end up laying there staring at my ceiling, listening to the hum of my fan.
mmm...hot tea...tastes so good.
This is going to be my senior year. Which is sort of overrated, I think... Being considered the "top dogs". Everyone asks if I'm ready for it.. what is there to be ready for? Going through the same halls I've been walking through for three years now? Seeing the same people I've been seeing for years now? I guess there is the whole senior paper that I have to "be ready for", but then again, it's just a paper. Just a lot of analytical words that I have to think up and write down. I guess it is my last year in those halls, and hopefully my last year seeing those people that I've been seeing, but I'm still not too worried.
I am, however, doing concurrent enrollment (aka: early entry). Since I've only taken the ACT once, and didn't score high enough to get into OU, I'm going to a community college. I do not mind AT ALL. I mean, it's basically twenty times cheaper. It's a whole new building, all new classes, but still, I'm not too worried.
I just tuned my tv from Ellen to Gilmore Girls. Here I am, on my couch eating breakfast and watching Gilmore Girls. Just like I did the past week with my best friend's little sister, Lulu. Every morning, Charlotte had to leave around 7:00 for school, leaving me and her sister at home with their mom. I'd wake up around nine, brush my teeth, go downstairs and sit next to Lulu on the couch and we'd both read until our breakfast came. Our breakfast didn't just appear from no where, of course. Patty, my second mom, always came in to ask our breakfast requests and which tea we preferred. Our food came quickly and we'd enjoy an episode of Gilmore Girls, then go on with our days.
I have no plans tonight besides driving aimlessly with Mariah in her beautiful yellow bug. I'm perfectly content with that. Actually, I'd rather do that than most anything else.
My favorite part about them is the way the sun shines in my room, illuminating my walls. Making it so easy to comfortably wake up. But this morning was different. I woke up to rain. My room was gray, which was good for a change, because with school coming up quickly and so many things on my mind, I just need to relax.
Tonight is the last night of summer. Then Wednesday comes and it becomes a "school night"... Where you have to fall asleep early or you know your next day at school will be hard to get through. That never happens; falling asleep early. I either get caught up in a book, get a phone call, or I just end up laying there staring at my ceiling, listening to the hum of my fan.
mmm...hot tea...tastes so good.
This is going to be my senior year. Which is sort of overrated, I think... Being considered the "top dogs". Everyone asks if I'm ready for it.. what is there to be ready for? Going through the same halls I've been walking through for three years now? Seeing the same people I've been seeing for years now? I guess there is the whole senior paper that I have to "be ready for", but then again, it's just a paper. Just a lot of analytical words that I have to think up and write down. I guess it is my last year in those halls, and hopefully my last year seeing those people that I've been seeing, but I'm still not too worried.
I am, however, doing concurrent enrollment (aka: early entry). Since I've only taken the ACT once, and didn't score high enough to get into OU, I'm going to a community college. I do not mind AT ALL. I mean, it's basically twenty times cheaper. It's a whole new building, all new classes, but still, I'm not too worried.
I just tuned my tv from Ellen to Gilmore Girls. Here I am, on my couch eating breakfast and watching Gilmore Girls. Just like I did the past week with my best friend's little sister, Lulu. Every morning, Charlotte had to leave around 7:00 for school, leaving me and her sister at home with their mom. I'd wake up around nine, brush my teeth, go downstairs and sit next to Lulu on the couch and we'd both read until our breakfast came. Our breakfast didn't just appear from no where, of course. Patty, my second mom, always came in to ask our breakfast requests and which tea we preferred. Our food came quickly and we'd enjoy an episode of Gilmore Girls, then go on with our days.
I have no plans tonight besides driving aimlessly with Mariah in her beautiful yellow bug. I'm perfectly content with that. Actually, I'd rather do that than most anything else.
Monday, August 17, 2009
sunrise, sunshine - all for you my daisy
Here we go.
To start off, my name is Casey, and just like any other person, I'm writing to get my thoughts out. Writing to better understand what's going on up there in my head. Things always seem clearer when written down because I'm much better at writing than I am speaking. Most times when I'm having a conversation, I leave things out because I don't realize that other people can't read my mind. I forget that not everyone has the same thought processes as I do. The same thing happens when I attempt to tell stories. I forget details or something and people get that dumb, blank look on their face. Or the more blunt friends of mine just look at me like I'm a complete idiot. Either way, it's just safer for me to write, I think.
I went to get coffee with one of my very good friends today. So close that I even consider her one of my sisters. She told me about how her Kamp Kounselor suggested blogging to her, then when she started to blog, she loved it. I've been considering the whole blogging thing even before Kelsey was telling me about all of this, and when she suggested it to me, it just clarified the fact that I should suck it up and start one. So here I am. Blogging. Writing it all out. Learning about myself. I'm hoping that I'll actually keep up with this instead of forgetting about it, or like I do journaling, just suddenly become to tired to work on it. But it's begun, it's fresh and easy, and it feels so good to get it all out there.
To start off, my name is Casey, and just like any other person, I'm writing to get my thoughts out. Writing to better understand what's going on up there in my head. Things always seem clearer when written down because I'm much better at writing than I am speaking. Most times when I'm having a conversation, I leave things out because I don't realize that other people can't read my mind. I forget that not everyone has the same thought processes as I do. The same thing happens when I attempt to tell stories. I forget details or something and people get that dumb, blank look on their face. Or the more blunt friends of mine just look at me like I'm a complete idiot. Either way, it's just safer for me to write, I think.
I went to get coffee with one of my very good friends today. So close that I even consider her one of my sisters. She told me about how her Kamp Kounselor suggested blogging to her, then when she started to blog, she loved it. I've been considering the whole blogging thing even before Kelsey was telling me about all of this, and when she suggested it to me, it just clarified the fact that I should suck it up and start one. So here I am. Blogging. Writing it all out. Learning about myself. I'm hoping that I'll actually keep up with this instead of forgetting about it, or like I do journaling, just suddenly become to tired to work on it. But it's begun, it's fresh and easy, and it feels so good to get it all out there.
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