a wedding, and part one of a honeymoon

after literal months of planning, and anxiously (not patiently) awaiting, i married the light of my life. everyone had warned me that my wedding day would fly by, to soak it all in, and they were right- not only did my wedding day pass right before my eyes, but so has this honeymoon! or so it seems...

we took off from our home in oklahoma city sunday night around 9:30, planning on driving through the night/morning until we reached flagstaff, arizona. i'm writing this from "wildflower bakery company" here in flagstaff only 24 minutes past six on a monday night, and it honestly feels like days since we left oklahoma. tyler was a champion and drove the majority of the way while i (probably don't even need to waste time saying this) slept. he finally got tired around 4:30am in albuquerque and woke me up to take over for a few hours. once the sun started rising in western new mexico, things got easier, but having just woken up and hardly rubbed my eyes, it was difficult for me to adjust my focus. driving through scary ass new mexico wasn't helpful either considering the desert fields, and dry weird plants reminded me of "the hills have eyes". every lonely building was a nuclear testing zone, every trailer was home to mutants, and my sleeping husband and i were victims. 

but after whining, many more miles traveled, coffee breaks and gas stops, we stopped at the meteor crater in meteor city, arizona! i caught onto tyler's excitement once we were inside, but the $16 entry fee had me reconsidering looking at a giant hole in the ground. it was legitimately neat though, i really liked it.

i'm still unsure whether my enjoyment from it was from my genuine interest or if i just loved seeing tyler's face light up as he played with the planet termination simulator they had there haha. either way, it was $32 well spent. $33 if we count the dollar i spent on a little glass bottle full of rose quartz that i bought for mariah. 

arriving in flagstaff was the most glorious feeling- seeing actual buildings and being able to recognize it as a city was strange after the desert stretch between home and here. we found the cheapest hotel nearby and crashed for an hour or so. the trend of buying bell pepper pizza from dominos continued when we woke up from our naps, because there's nothing so quickly satisfying as bell pepper pizza, trust me. still wanting to lounge in our hotel room, we watched 50 first dates. felt funny just laying down in a hotel room when we had plans to see the grand canyon and explore the city, but i think we needed it. 

we left our hotel room feeling rejuvenated. it was only an hour drive to the grand canyon from flagstaff, and it was a very pretty drive. i always have the initial issue of adjusting to higher altitudes, so driving through mountains at 8,000 feet wasn't fun for me at first, but the pine trees, birch trees, funny little chapels with hobbit doors, and all of the wonderful landscape was well worth it, especially when we actually reached the grand canyon. mine and tyler's family kept telling us not to be anticipating much because it's just a hole in the ground, which now i find really shocking to think about someone saying. the grand canyon was the most majestic thing to me. tyler and i walked around the south rim, went to all of the little guard rails to look into it, and at each stop, the two of us would pause and marvel at the whole thing. 

even looking at the canyon from afar was enough to give you vertigo, but tyler got gutsy and climbed down this hidden/beaten path to a ledge deeper into the canyon. he finally stopped when he was about a foot away from the ledge, and from the top i watched him outstretch his arms. the gust of the wind was enough to nearly blow my sunglasses off my head, and he was standing in the middle of the canyon, arms stretched wide, and trusting his two legs to hold him there. 

but now here we are, both sitting in this cafe in flagstaff, arizona like we live here. i'm writing, he's reading, and just enjoying this quiet time together. there is nothing like feeling perfect in the situation you've been blessed with. there's nothing like feeling god's honest love in everything you do; it's apparent in all of nature, in tyler and i, our family and friends back home, and in this beautiful weather outside of this cafe. 

sweet stillness

i wish i had the energy or the brain power to make clear sentences of everything wonderful happening in my neck of these woods. things are falling into place for our wedding, and my hair is getting longer. my body is getting healthier, and my spirit is sound. i spend moments like these meditating on the things we've been blessed with. meditating on all the glorious people i've been so honored to know. my good grades this semester and my genuine passion i have for living.

we ordered our cake today for our wedding, and the woman gave me such a compliment. something that sort of made me snap back into the realization of who i am instead of how i feel.

i always encourage my bests in telling them that god made them perfect, and i truly believe that he has. i even tell bailey this who prays to the trees or the moon or whoever was best to her that day, and she embraces it for at least a moment.
but i suppose sometimes it's hard for me to remind myself that i too have been made perfect.

i've misspelled about 38 words thus far, and i'm already sick of this track that's playing.
but i hope all is well and wonderful with you.

don't ever forget you've been made perfect.
absolutely perfect.

about us

even after reading blog after blog about planning a wedding, i never thought i'd say it...but planning a wedding is hard. i was doing pretty well with the stress aspect, not letting myself get too absorbed in the anxiety my brain wanted to trap me in. it wasn't hard for me to search for wedding invitations, or plan the flowers i wanted or even the people i wanted to share the day with. but the breaking point day came where i had to second guess the idea of having a "wedding". a traditional, well- tweaked version of tradition, wedding wasn't for me. wasn't for either of us maybe.

while sitting in my chemistry lecture, i got a text from tylers sister saying that a girl in our youth group, a fellow youth leader, actually- had changed her date to the same date that tyler and i had set. obviously infuriated, tyler and i had did everything but ask her to change her date. come to think of it when tyler was messaging her from my phone, he may have asked her to. it doesn't really matter now, and theres a huge back story as to why this whole thing is so frustrating to us, but it isn't worth typing out really. anyway, yesterday was also the day my dress came in the mail from boston. i had ordered it from a woman there off of a website called oncewed.com where women sell their wedding dresses for cheaper than the store value. it was my exact measurements, and it wasn't until i tried it on that i realized maybe i was wrong. there was an inch (or so) gap where it wouldn't zip around my rib cage.

after this i had hit a serious breaking point in the whole planning process. it was almost as if signs were pointing to just "eloping". i'm unsure about that word, because it may not have the same definition for us. but in our case the idea just waking up one morning in may and deciding that as the day we begin our lives together. just taking off in our car and driving to california for our honeymoon. maybe not even having a destination, but just being together, because that's what really matters at the end of it all.

i expressed all of this to tyler last night, and he responded with some of the most perfect words. things i really needed to hear in that moment. something along the lines of how he didn't care how we got married, or if it were big, if we had a reception or if we drove away somewhere. all that mattered to him was that I, his wife, was happy that day, and that it was everything i had dreamed of. i choked trying to tell him how good that felt to hear coming from him because i had that knot in my throat and tears hiding around my eyes. it was then that i realized i don't care who is there to share it with me, or i don't care if anyone even knows which day it happens on. just knowing, and signing my heart over to his. jumping into the car, almost impulsively and embarking on our lives together.

this idea has been juggling around in my mind, because it is a big decision. something that only happens once. but again- the end is the same. i'm marrying the love of my life that day. expressing my love to him, and praying to god and all things wonderful that he feels how closely knit i feel to him. how even when i tell him that i love him, it means something bigger than that.

 it's bigger than our yoga room we may have with the western windows. bigger than falling asleep next to you, or making you coffee in the morning. bigger than having a room to dedicate your studies to. more than our gardens, our house plants, our puppy. it's spiritual, like you and i have always been even when we feel ourselves drifting off from it.  i have been searching for the right mala for you, researching gemstones compatible with your spirit and for the day coming soon. when i think that i know you inside and out, i remember that there are energies deeper inside you that i'm not always aware of. or how the stars aligned for you, and how i sometimes disagree with the description they (whoever 'they' are) put on your birth date. it's such a big thing, and i'm so excited to discover these in you. imagining the days that we find ourselves meditating in our house together. sort of noticing you with your mala in passing. i nearly cried when i found the one i'm getting you because spirituality, and meditation is so big. it feels like it's even more of sign, or even a message from the higher power inside of each of us that we are in the right direction with each other.

my heart is always yours, and this is one thing i have never been more sure of.

it's midnight

there comes a point, seemingly in my life-far too often, that you just have to break down and recognize that even when you audibly tell yourself you're strong. or when you remind yourself that you are natural and beautiful while you're standing, sobbing in the shower by yourself, you have to recognize that you really annoy do it on your own. I've been blessed with a wonderful helpmate, truly. I often seek way too much affection in hopes to physically feel desired, or in hopes to make myself feel worth something more than the bag of tears I have. Yet I've been blessed with a real man who knows that sometimes I just need to be told that it's unrealistic for me to tell myself (mentally) all of the awful negative things I feel my spirit throughout the day. Sometimes when I step back and remember us laying in bed together, me crying and searching for a response, I realize that him listening and holding me is more consultation than I ever expected. It's after these realizations that a woman has to take control of her body. I've been focusing on this for awhile now, but it's a consuming prifect bigger than mental encouragements as you're driving to school. You won't really see a true turn around until you mentally commit to changing your perspective. When you openly tell yourself that things are going to be different. When you tie down your emotions and tell yourself that your heart is in charge and your boy follows. Your emotions are something that make a woman unique, and they aren't all powerfully consuming like mine had become. Become. It's a process, but finding my own feet and recognizing my own uniqueness is something I'm still learning. Not only bringing the idea to mind, but learning to accept it myself. Which is something I never thought I would have an issue in overcoming.

in finding yourself

this morning i woke up and pretended for myself and my parents to be the most well-rested individual. i jumped out of bed and washed my face, and thanked God that today was going to be beautiful. my parents hoovered over me while i made my morning coffee, and thinking back, i'm not very sure what we talked about because i was so into trying to prove that i wasn't tired. when i got into my car heading to school, i realized that my eyes were heavy.

the four hours of sleep i was living on today was worth it, though. technically, i slept more than that if you count the hours i spent sleeping on tyler's chest while he couldn't sleep. it's the most natural feeling to be near him. everyday something comes and proves that he's my soul mate, honestly. a help mate.

there's so much that i should be doing right now. i have test upon test upon studying that i should be doing. but my spirit, body, mind cleanse part of my brain suggested i turn on a good pandora radio and make myself a vegetarian dinner. if you're curious, i made myself rosemary potatoes and ate some black beans. i set up a healthy and comforting area to sit here and write it all down in hopes of maintaining this steady mindset. there is often times a strange sort of freedom to be found in being alone. maybe it's something about knowing there's no one to be seen or heard by. it's a completely controlled environment that i used to be so immune to.

i saw something today about 'losing yourself', sort of in the sense of there being freedom in losing yourself. where that idea is sort of romantic, you know, not really controlling your actions and just sort of drifting along with no guidance; a place where i think i used to reside. where i'm finding myself again, i'm also finding where i am not. i'm not the one who had lost herself in her bedroom with her chillum bowl and a good bag of bud. i'm not the one who would go to shows and smoke cigarettes while stoned and ignoring everyone around me. i'm the one who tries to hold it all together - 25-30 hour work weeks, 15 hour school load, being a wife to be, a daughter, a sister, a friend. i'm the one who finds friends in strangers. the one who tries to shed a little love to even the window covered in condensation. maybe i'm a love maker, a tea advocate, coffee drinker. whatever i am, or whatever is becoming of me, there's peace in knowing that i'm doing what is best for myself in my entirety.

finding yourself is discovering not only the things that define you're natural body, spirit, and mind, but it's finding what you are not. anymore.

humbling shavasana

i'm happy to say that this cleansing thing is really working out for me. spending less time attached to technology, being more conscious of my food intake, and spending more time in prayer/meditation/doing yoga. i can already tell a difference in myself. my posture has improved substantially and my overall demeanor is much nicer, even to myself. i feel less pathetic, less like i've lost complete control, and that's nice.

today was my first sunday off work since july, and i used this evening to go to hot yoga with dylan and his friend christina. upon entering i immediately knew it was going to be tough to endure 75 minutes of the 90 degree temperature. warming up, it honestly took my breath away at times, and i felt a little light headed. however, once you get deeper into the practice, you lose complete track of time. forgetting what time it is, where you are or even that you're mindfully breathing. it all comes naturally to you, being present and in the moment.

the instructor was so kind, and i really like the way he would word some of the stretches, like you were pushing away the walls of your life, all the boundaries your mind likes to keep you in. it's things like that that make my mind run in deep into myself for introspection. maybe not even that, but just sort of a release.

near the end of the session, he turned the lights way down low, and we all just laid there in shavasana. the instructor went around the room and spritzed us with jasmine something or rather. something with mint, because when it delicately fell onto your face, and you took your deep inhale, it was cooling. cleansing even. i was so lost in prayer at this moment. not praying, i wasn't really even saying words, not even thinking them, but there was that intimate feeling of connection like when you're hugging someone whom you haven't seen in months. all i could manage to mutter was "thank you".

it sounds cliche, but i felt so cleansed afterwards. i made a commitment to myself to make it my weekly obligation to go to this. if not for myself, for harvard. for tyler, for my future, and for the rest of my life.

the root of the root and the bud of the bud

alright.

this is going to be evening number one of actively taking over my body again. everything from my muscles to my nerves to my mind and spirit. regaining complete control, and not letting my environment control every ounce of me.

i came home sort of tipsy, a little bit. home to my parents who knew i was drinking (sipping rather) and this is the first time they've been around me while i've been openly intoxicated. i came home a chatter box, and sort of really sleepy.

yet i'm so ready to begin this detox type lifestyle to reclaim myself. i'm starting off with yoga tonight in my room, already planning the music i'm going to play and setting the lighting perfectly to relax, unwind, and collect every flowing thought into inner peace and calm spirit.