im always sad, and always lonely. reaching to hold anyones hand who seems stable or sure. but it's not me. i'm in pain all the time, and never felt so much, yet nothing at all at the same time. i could get upset about how lonely i am, but there's no reason and i'd feel dumb later. so i just listen to bon iver and pretend like i'm not upset. i don't know what i'd say anyway. all my emotions are skewed, i haven't let myself cry this much in so long. as much as i try to wean myself off of the medication, i always come back sobbing. i'm always crying. just want to be held, to feel feminine and wanted. instead i just lay here on this same pillow i've had since i was tiny. damn it all

i could cry at the drop of a hat about any one thing.

may first

so many things that no one knows, that i'm not telling. sometimes its nice to have my own little nook of information that's only mine, and no one elses. no one knows, and i can't let myself tell anyone. not anything serious, nothing truly life altering. just mine, and mine only. i've always kept secrets. kept them or forgotten. either way they're mine.

kept busy yesterday, but got all my shit done.
from picking up my bridesmaid dress, to attending showers. from work to paper writing, then onto rolling into my bed at 2:30am. i woke up just 4 and a half short hours later, practically jumping out of my skin when my alarm went off. got my stuff around in time to meet bailey at her house so we could ride to classes together.
the rewarded ourselves with a morning bowl (hardly) and went to our classes. its such a relief for those couple hours, especially when you're running on empty anyway. my mind was free of time constraints or worry about assignments or tests coming up.
but i'm back here, feet rested on this table, and i can feel the warmth of my face.

april twenty-sixth

this morning, i woke up feeling like a new woman. i distinctly remember opening my eyes this morning, and swallowing, then being shocked at how it wasn't painful to do so.
went through my morning coffee routine, talked to my mom for a bit before she had to work, then made myself lunch. mom and i have been on this kick of these really healthy little pizzas. pita bread, tomatoes, basil and mozzarella cheese. i added cilantro to mine this afternoon and it was so so good. you bake them in the oven for 20 short minutes, and i was full for seven hours. which is pretty shocking for a vegetarian meal.
after lunch, i started doing laundry - i think i ended up doing five loads. impressive for me, because i can never focus long enough to completely finish one load. with laundry came room cleaning, because half of my wardrobe was on my bed, around my bed and spread all over my floor as a blanket, only in huge piles. needless to say, my room is now spotless! it feels much more like summer in there now. i opened my blinds to let the sun in, and it's wonderful lately. knowing that i have a garden growing in my backyard is comforting as well.
things are looking up in my little head. i always seem to reach new areas of freedom when i stay at home for long periods of time, which is ironic to me. a lot of time for self-inspection and self-discovery.

skys are clear now

today i found out that i have strep. i'm on antibiotics that i'm allergic to, but it'll heal me in the long run, i guess. i'm out of school and work until wednesday - which unfortunately doesn't erase the homework, but at least i now have ample time to finish it all.

besides my throat feeling like it's being ripped to shreds little by little, and besides the fact that i have too much to do and too little motivation - i'm really happy right now. the rain cured everyone's dry spell, i think. it's beginning to feel more like summer each day. just got to push through the next few weeks of school and it's all better from there.

after the summer program that i'm helping out with at the daycare, i'm going back to work for jimmy johns. i've already talked to the managers and the only thing holding me back besides my current job is my green hair. i haven't dyed it in like two months now, and it's already fading closely to blonde... sort of. hopefully spending a lot of time in the sun this summer will help me get it back to something "normal". something jimmy john's acceptable.

i'm beyond blessed lately.

april tenth,

nostalgia for something genuine, something frail. autumn's bird has left me and i miss him.