indian land

lately i've felt more free than most times. i go wherever, i do whatever, i smoke whatever not worrying about anything or anyone else. it's so nice to feel like this, to feel like my own universe is turning in the right direction, right inside the lines that the stars are plotting out for me. yet all day i've had one thing on my mind, one person and one solid memory. even the smells of my friends neighborhood remind me of him. looking inside empty houses remind me, reading poety or thinking about doing homework. i feel stuck inside the sinking sand of everyone's father, but i'm digging myself deeper, i think.
i always skip from one puddle of emotions to the next. each person trying to keep my feet on the ground, i think. i throw up my red flag - every single time, and everyone gets it. everyone lets go and i keep running, most times in circles with the occasional opposite direction. i run back and forth from being water to being mud, from being light to hiding under rocks and eating them for every meal. counting them, then losing track.
i don't know what was meant by the old yellow book that's written in a foreign language, but our home is never the same. i'm always on some different time card than everyone else, in my own arrangement of the empty space, and you're always there. i touch base now and again, but i always push everything away. i repress everything. mostly of fear, of fear of losing the distance i like to run and fear of losing the light i find in loneliness sometimes.
i don't know, i never know, i'm in the wind. maybe one day we'll cross paths again.

so much liberation

i guess it took one of my best friends' nine month relationship to end for me to realize, again, that i'm alright alone. it's been a long time coming, and i've been so comfortable in loneliness before, but it just became so. lonely. yet when you think about how much time you have to better yourself, to come to self-actualization, there's a light that instantly shines in me.

sunday, the third

i was less confused and felt more focused while i wasn't so closely tied to everyone around me. like that day where i didn't talk to anyone except the people i lived with or crossed paths with. when i wasn't constantly on the internet via my phone or wasn't at the beck and call of each person who called/texted me. my mind was filled with what was happening in front of me, not the concerns of everyone else. i liked that, and because of that - i'm going back to my shitty phone for awhile. sometimes everything glitzy glam isn't best. or maybe it's all just self-control. 

daily grind bullshit

a lot has been on my mind, and i never know how to organize it all so i just think and think and think all day, and never know where to go with it.

today is the first time in probably two straight weeks where i've spent more than an hour by myself - which is really rare for me. i've been going full speed for the past 14 days, and today i have taken two naps. everyone in my quiet house is in bed, and i'm back to the comfort of my dim-lit living room by myself like i'm used to.

i think because of being surrounded by people nearly 24/7, i left my phone completely away from me nearly all day. it's dead half the time anyway, but i had no desire to contact anyone. i'm sorry if you were affected by this; one of my bests called me asking if i was mad because i didn't respond to anything all day, but i just have nothing to say nor the ears to listen really. sort of shitty to admit, but i need a break sometimes.

where this week has been dreadfully busy, i've really enjoyed it. thursday i hung out with my friend jp nearly all day which was really nice, to be honest. he's becoming one of my closest friends, and i love that. there are so many things that i respect about him, that i could go on and on about, but i'll spare whoever is reading. i invited him to chickasha with me on thursday to meet all of my bests at riah's party. was really comforting to mesh my two worlds, i think. we drove home together around one in the morning and had some of the best conversations. neither one of us really have anyone to talk that way with so we just get together late at night, generally, and share every idea or theory or belief that's been concerning us. he's got such a beautifully open mind about spirituality, balance and life in general. i'm his refuge, and there's so much safety in that.

so much is changing right now. my priorities are out of whack (maybe not, it's mostly about perspective), but i haven't talked to charlotte in over two weeks and i'm always tempted to just buy a plane ticket to boston and surprise her. i just imagine off the plane and finding my way to burton third and never letting go of her neck - i dream about this more often than not. but i have no money and no time, so dreaming on. my life is so scarily organized lately, it's all laid out for me with my same 'ole work schedule with my same 'ole school schedule and i see the same damn people every single day that it's sort of getting redundant. it scares me sometimes to think about committing so something for longer than a span of six months, but oh well, i guess. nothing to be afraid of. watching kids grow for a year can't be that bad. or seeing the same thing every single day for longer than six months can't be too awful.

i never know, but since all of my life seems to have fallen into a routine i'm always craving something new. i've been really wanting new piercings, my tattoo or even to make new jewelry for myself.

speaking of, i'm going to start selling things on ebay for extra cash since the daycare makes me zero dollars. i could sell a lot of my jewelry that i never wear, a shit ton of my shoes or designer bags that i never will ever carry again. i'm also excited to make a game out of hunting at goodwill for treasures i could sell online.

this is all really sporadic, but my brain has yet to slow down.

lonlilly

no one knows this, not even myself. no one knows what i'm yearning for, what still roots me in this soil. not a single soul even thinks about what they don't know about me, what i'm thinking, or what i'm desiring. no one knows my urge to write down things like this, or no one understands

warm full good balanced spiritual healthy stable strong

no one realizes that i'm writing every opinion about you. every feeling that i'm repressing about you. no one knows that i have downfalls that i believe about myself. there are things that i could list forever, but what's the use, right? there's no purpose because no one comprehends it. no one cares to reach out their arms to let me write down and scar their veins with my emotions, because that's what i'll do, i promise you. i cannot help it, i cannot help it. 

there's comfort in this, somewhat. there's comfort in knowing that i'm entrusting in you something sacred, and sometimes i'm willing to give it all away. every ounce of my being, i want it to be yours, and i want you to be mine. then there are nights like these where i'm most happy in solace. there's comfort in my phone dying and not having a charger. there's comfort in waking up alone, in drinking coffee alone, in getting ready alone, in falling asleep alone.

 

never here

remind me not to reminisce about the past. teach me to push back everything about how stable you were. how literally, you were everything i would imagine ever being with, anything that would ever make me happy. i need to forget that, i don't want to ruin anything. nor do i even have the power to. but after years and years, i want to eat vegetarian food with you. ride bikes or let you swim in the morning. i don't know, this is all silly and i'm never going to voice anything about this ever except for this moment. i need to push back every movie we didn't see, or any time that i wiped my eyes with other people's sleeves because of you.
i need to look forward to the long nights under the green cloud with the person that isn't going to panic about it. they aren't going to panic about the smoke or my fleeting nature or the fact that sometimes i want to be left alone. someone willing to go downstairs and make me coffee. someone willing to tuck themselves in next to me and buy me my favorite books for christmas on a whim. damnit, this isn't about you. i need someone easy, yet stable. someone i don't know, yet need everything they embody.
i keep dreaming, and i will.

always gone from here

remember when my hair wasn't to my collar, or when my hands, legs, face wasn't rough, dry and untouched? when my hair wasn't green. when i knew how to love, and it wasn't the hardest thing to let someone in. to accept their insecurities to embrace them?
i let love in and i hold onto it, but one wrong turn and i want to crawl up into my attic that i have planned for myself. i want to take some coffee-drinking stranger into my quilted bed and just lay there. or talk about books over hot tea in my lamp-lit room. i don't want you to tell me about earthworms, don't talk about your year of intoxication. i need someone ready to accept that i run away in eighteen different directions. i'm sorry, my red flag is up always and you know this. you're already scared and i'm already gone.