why am i awake.

Today, I was completely uplifted.

Not only because it was Friday, or because I was excited for my date with my sister and her friend Jock, but because I made my first latte.

Theresa got me this bag of coffee beans from Grey Owl this year for Christmas. They've been staring at me, wanting me to make something of them.

Why not today?

Long story short - I put the milk in the completely wrong place to make froth.

Milk explosion. It was incredibly hot milk, at that. All over my kitchen.

My being home alone made it even more funny, I think. Charlotte's mom, who was on the phone with me, ironically, was yelling at me to rinse the whole thing with hot water so my espresso maker wasn't destroyed.

Hmm. The coffee was delicious though! And very... eye-opening. I think it was laced.

I talked to Ruben, face to face, sort of. Via Skype. First time since he left in June. I miss him.

I'm rejoining gymnastics.

I still have to finish my SCAD application. Whether my parents allow me to go or not, I'm still going to follow through with applying.

Lunch with Shu Cho tomorrow. Charlotte comes tomorrow with Lulu.

Gonna be a good weekend.

again?

You keep proving your character.

That your heart is ten times smaller than I believed it to be.

I had faith in you.

axis on a tilt

I just like holding hands.

hows it gonna be

there aren't many songs i'd cry over.

but some just hit all the places

that ease my whole body

relieves me

and completes my sentences -

reads my thoughts.

just thought out at the breakfast table,

over oatmeal that you

feed your dog

with two ritz crackers.

how's it gonna be when

we all realize that

we are all in this

together.

linked tightly and

united

no one is alone in this.

left or right?

what happened to when i was talking to marisa and I was completely okay with being alone. I was so sure.

I'm still okay with being alone.

I think, anyway.

I was so positive that I didn't want him in my life at all. I was completely okay. He messaged me on facebook - yeah, fucking personal, right? Tells me about how he went to the Tech bowl game. He used smileys and was like "have a good dayyyyy" PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY LIFE. What more can I do? Should I even be blaming him for me missing him?

I literally had to argue with myself about texting him tonight.

"God, I miss you. Who you used to be to me."

Exactly.

Who he used to be. He's changed. He was always so good at charming and lying and putting on this faceeeee. Nooooooo. Dude, go away.

I can do better. I know this.

Is this me just wanting to go back to something familiar? I always say humans do that. I believe it. But I think maybe it's still so new. Who am I trying to kid about it being okay?

No, i really feel okay about it 95% of the time.

Until he messages me like we're friends. Like we had no history. Like I didn't give him my greatest gift, like he didn't turn around and share himself with his ex-girlfriend who already smirks at me in the hallway because she knows.

Go away.

What's wrong with packing everything up and going somewhere distant?

I'd miss a few people. Mostly my family, honestly.

Sometimes I am so sure that I am so strong.

I keep being tested. I have to have self-control.

Where are the fruits of the spirit?

Hold on.

Galatians 5:22-23

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Do I really have to do something like write it on my arms everyday to remember them?

I'll do it if I have to.

I have to.

Thank God for rest and peace of mind.

I made a dreamcatcher.

and a tumblr.

http://spinninghands.tumblr.com/

not again.

I don't want to miss you.

I want you to continue to be absent in my life.

Please, stay out.

coming to an end

College is such a big thing all of a sudden.

My dad talked to me for about two hours tonight about what I should do - to sum it up.

I'm torn.

between what my parents want for me, and what I truly feel passionate about. Maybe I've always had the wrong mindset?

I am so confused.

I don't know where to let myself go. Where to even aim.