about us

even after reading blog after blog about planning a wedding, i never thought i'd say it...but planning a wedding is hard. i was doing pretty well with the stress aspect, not letting myself get too absorbed in the anxiety my brain wanted to trap me in. it wasn't hard for me to search for wedding invitations, or plan the flowers i wanted or even the people i wanted to share the day with. but the breaking point day came where i had to second guess the idea of having a "wedding". a traditional, well- tweaked version of tradition, wedding wasn't for me. wasn't for either of us maybe.

while sitting in my chemistry lecture, i got a text from tylers sister saying that a girl in our youth group, a fellow youth leader, actually- had changed her date to the same date that tyler and i had set. obviously infuriated, tyler and i had did everything but ask her to change her date. come to think of it when tyler was messaging her from my phone, he may have asked her to. it doesn't really matter now, and theres a huge back story as to why this whole thing is so frustrating to us, but it isn't worth typing out really. anyway, yesterday was also the day my dress came in the mail from boston. i had ordered it from a woman there off of a website called oncewed.com where women sell their wedding dresses for cheaper than the store value. it was my exact measurements, and it wasn't until i tried it on that i realized maybe i was wrong. there was an inch (or so) gap where it wouldn't zip around my rib cage.

after this i had hit a serious breaking point in the whole planning process. it was almost as if signs were pointing to just "eloping". i'm unsure about that word, because it may not have the same definition for us. but in our case the idea just waking up one morning in may and deciding that as the day we begin our lives together. just taking off in our car and driving to california for our honeymoon. maybe not even having a destination, but just being together, because that's what really matters at the end of it all.

i expressed all of this to tyler last night, and he responded with some of the most perfect words. things i really needed to hear in that moment. something along the lines of how he didn't care how we got married, or if it were big, if we had a reception or if we drove away somewhere. all that mattered to him was that I, his wife, was happy that day, and that it was everything i had dreamed of. i choked trying to tell him how good that felt to hear coming from him because i had that knot in my throat and tears hiding around my eyes. it was then that i realized i don't care who is there to share it with me, or i don't care if anyone even knows which day it happens on. just knowing, and signing my heart over to his. jumping into the car, almost impulsively and embarking on our lives together.

this idea has been juggling around in my mind, because it is a big decision. something that only happens once. but again- the end is the same. i'm marrying the love of my life that day. expressing my love to him, and praying to god and all things wonderful that he feels how closely knit i feel to him. how even when i tell him that i love him, it means something bigger than that.

 it's bigger than our yoga room we may have with the western windows. bigger than falling asleep next to you, or making you coffee in the morning. bigger than having a room to dedicate your studies to. more than our gardens, our house plants, our puppy. it's spiritual, like you and i have always been even when we feel ourselves drifting off from it.  i have been searching for the right mala for you, researching gemstones compatible with your spirit and for the day coming soon. when i think that i know you inside and out, i remember that there are energies deeper inside you that i'm not always aware of. or how the stars aligned for you, and how i sometimes disagree with the description they (whoever 'they' are) put on your birth date. it's such a big thing, and i'm so excited to discover these in you. imagining the days that we find ourselves meditating in our house together. sort of noticing you with your mala in passing. i nearly cried when i found the one i'm getting you because spirituality, and meditation is so big. it feels like it's even more of sign, or even a message from the higher power inside of each of us that we are in the right direction with each other.

my heart is always yours, and this is one thing i have never been more sure of.

it's midnight

there comes a point, seemingly in my life-far too often, that you just have to break down and recognize that even when you audibly tell yourself you're strong. or when you remind yourself that you are natural and beautiful while you're standing, sobbing in the shower by yourself, you have to recognize that you really annoy do it on your own. I've been blessed with a wonderful helpmate, truly. I often seek way too much affection in hopes to physically feel desired, or in hopes to make myself feel worth something more than the bag of tears I have. Yet I've been blessed with a real man who knows that sometimes I just need to be told that it's unrealistic for me to tell myself (mentally) all of the awful negative things I feel my spirit throughout the day. Sometimes when I step back and remember us laying in bed together, me crying and searching for a response, I realize that him listening and holding me is more consultation than I ever expected. It's after these realizations that a woman has to take control of her body. I've been focusing on this for awhile now, but it's a consuming prifect bigger than mental encouragements as you're driving to school. You won't really see a true turn around until you mentally commit to changing your perspective. When you openly tell yourself that things are going to be different. When you tie down your emotions and tell yourself that your heart is in charge and your boy follows. Your emotions are something that make a woman unique, and they aren't all powerfully consuming like mine had become. Become. It's a process, but finding my own feet and recognizing my own uniqueness is something I'm still learning. Not only bringing the idea to mind, but learning to accept it myself. Which is something I never thought I would have an issue in overcoming.