this morning i woke up and pretended for myself and my parents to be the most well-rested individual. i jumped out of bed and washed my face, and thanked God that today was going to be beautiful. my parents hoovered over me while i made my morning coffee, and thinking back, i'm not very sure what we talked about because i was so into trying to prove that i wasn't tired. when i got into my car heading to school, i realized that my eyes were heavy.
the four hours of sleep i was living on today was worth it, though. technically, i slept more than that if you count the hours i spent sleeping on tyler's chest while he couldn't sleep. it's the most natural feeling to be near him. everyday something comes and proves that he's my soul mate, honestly. a help mate.
there's so much that i should be doing right now. i have test upon test upon studying that i should be doing. but my spirit, body, mind cleanse part of my brain suggested i turn on a good pandora radio and make myself a vegetarian dinner. if you're curious, i made myself rosemary potatoes and ate some black beans. i set up a healthy and comforting area to sit here and write it all down in hopes of maintaining this steady mindset. there is often times a strange sort of freedom to be found in being alone. maybe it's something about knowing there's no one to be seen or heard by. it's a completely controlled environment that i used to be so immune to.
i saw something today about 'losing yourself', sort of in the sense of there being freedom in losing yourself. where that idea is sort of romantic, you know, not really controlling your actions and just sort of drifting along with no guidance; a place where i think i used to reside. where i'm finding myself again, i'm also finding where i am not. i'm not the one who had lost herself in her bedroom with her chillum bowl and a good bag of bud. i'm not the one who would go to shows and smoke cigarettes while stoned and ignoring everyone around me. i'm the one who tries to hold it all together - 25-30 hour work weeks, 15 hour school load, being a wife to be, a daughter, a sister, a friend. i'm the one who finds friends in strangers. the one who tries to shed a little love to even the window covered in condensation. maybe i'm a love maker, a tea advocate, coffee drinker. whatever i am, or whatever is becoming of me, there's peace in knowing that i'm doing what is best for myself in my entirety.
finding yourself is discovering not only the things that define you're natural body, spirit, and mind, but it's finding what you are not. anymore.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
humbling shavasana
i'm happy to say that this cleansing thing is really working out for me. spending less time attached to technology, being more conscious of my food intake, and spending more time in prayer/meditation/doing yoga. i can already tell a difference in myself. my posture has improved substantially and my overall demeanor is much nicer, even to myself. i feel less pathetic, less like i've lost complete control, and that's nice.
today was my first sunday off work since july, and i used this evening to go to hot yoga with dylan and his friend christina. upon entering i immediately knew it was going to be tough to endure 75 minutes of the 90 degree temperature. warming up, it honestly took my breath away at times, and i felt a little light headed. however, once you get deeper into the practice, you lose complete track of time. forgetting what time it is, where you are or even that you're mindfully breathing. it all comes naturally to you, being present and in the moment.
the instructor was so kind, and i really like the way he would word some of the stretches, like you were pushing away the walls of your life, all the boundaries your mind likes to keep you in. it's things like that that make my mind run in deep into myself for introspection. maybe not even that, but just sort of a release.
near the end of the session, he turned the lights way down low, and we all just laid there in shavasana. the instructor went around the room and spritzed us with jasmine something or rather. something with mint, because when it delicately fell onto your face, and you took your deep inhale, it was cooling. cleansing even. i was so lost in prayer at this moment. not praying, i wasn't really even saying words, not even thinking them, but there was that intimate feeling of connection like when you're hugging someone whom you haven't seen in months. all i could manage to mutter was "thank you".
it sounds cliche, but i felt so cleansed afterwards. i made a commitment to myself to make it my weekly obligation to go to this. if not for myself, for harvard. for tyler, for my future, and for the rest of my life.
today was my first sunday off work since july, and i used this evening to go to hot yoga with dylan and his friend christina. upon entering i immediately knew it was going to be tough to endure 75 minutes of the 90 degree temperature. warming up, it honestly took my breath away at times, and i felt a little light headed. however, once you get deeper into the practice, you lose complete track of time. forgetting what time it is, where you are or even that you're mindfully breathing. it all comes naturally to you, being present and in the moment.
the instructor was so kind, and i really like the way he would word some of the stretches, like you were pushing away the walls of your life, all the boundaries your mind likes to keep you in. it's things like that that make my mind run in deep into myself for introspection. maybe not even that, but just sort of a release.
near the end of the session, he turned the lights way down low, and we all just laid there in shavasana. the instructor went around the room and spritzed us with jasmine something or rather. something with mint, because when it delicately fell onto your face, and you took your deep inhale, it was cooling. cleansing even. i was so lost in prayer at this moment. not praying, i wasn't really even saying words, not even thinking them, but there was that intimate feeling of connection like when you're hugging someone whom you haven't seen in months. all i could manage to mutter was "thank you".
it sounds cliche, but i felt so cleansed afterwards. i made a commitment to myself to make it my weekly obligation to go to this. if not for myself, for harvard. for tyler, for my future, and for the rest of my life.
Friday, February 10, 2012
the root of the root and the bud of the bud
alright.
this is going to be evening number one of actively taking over my body again. everything from my muscles to my nerves to my mind and spirit. regaining complete control, and not letting my environment control every ounce of me.
i came home sort of tipsy, a little bit. home to my parents who knew i was drinking (sipping rather) and this is the first time they've been around me while i've been openly intoxicated. i came home a chatter box, and sort of really sleepy.
yet i'm so ready to begin this detox type lifestyle to reclaim myself. i'm starting off with yoga tonight in my room, already planning the music i'm going to play and setting the lighting perfectly to relax, unwind, and collect every flowing thought into inner peace and calm spirit.
this is going to be evening number one of actively taking over my body again. everything from my muscles to my nerves to my mind and spirit. regaining complete control, and not letting my environment control every ounce of me.
i came home sort of tipsy, a little bit. home to my parents who knew i was drinking (sipping rather) and this is the first time they've been around me while i've been openly intoxicated. i came home a chatter box, and sort of really sleepy.
yet i'm so ready to begin this detox type lifestyle to reclaim myself. i'm starting off with yoga tonight in my room, already planning the music i'm going to play and setting the lighting perfectly to relax, unwind, and collect every flowing thought into inner peace and calm spirit.
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