live a beautiful life

so much has happened, and I've thought about writing repeatedly, but haven't had the umph or the energy.

I want to go back to two weeks ago when I went to my family reunion and talk about how blessed my whole family is. How blessed I seem to be. My uncle talked to me for a good 30 minutes about school and how I should stop worrying about my major. I told him about how I get freaked out at the thought of college because it's a huuuge step. It's deciding the rest of my life. That scares me.

He told me that my passion will carry me.

I should take my intuition and run with it.

That I have some unknown genetic code that will lead me to where I need to be - where God intends me to be.

All of that was extremely comforting, but still.. what is my unknown genetic code? No one knows, obviously.. but that makes it tough.

But I feel like I know where I need to be. I get all of these great ideas, numerous, that I always write down, for my coffee shop that I want. Everything is right in front of me. Yet I get intimidated at the whole thought of it. But I need to trust my intuition. I need to trust God, who has all power to make things work.

Lately things have been going down, excuse me, straight down the shitter. I become stressed out at the littlest thing. I get worried about things that aren't permanent. Nothing is permanent. My friend recently told me that love isn't even permanent. My stomach tries to jump out of my throat at the thought of that, and I can't believe it. I think that love is permanent. Maybe a certain level of love isn't permanent, but love is still there. I think.

Who knows.

But even when impermanent things get you down, you just have to have the right mindset. Everything is a test. Just a test of faith.

Romans 5:3

Romans 8:18

1 Peter 4:12

I walked into Mariah's house the other day to feed her dogs.

I love her house, it's so free and open. It presents such good energy. Things are written on the walls, on the mirrors, on the cabinets. All to encourage one another.

Written on the bathroom mirror was

"If you don't have good relationships with one another, you are not living a beautiful life"

When is this not true?

It's always true. Myself, when I have problems or little tiffs with friends, it eats at me. I try to push it out of my mind and tell myself that nothing is permanent, but it still keeps my eyes open and my imagination running. Even people who aren't my "friends", I still let them get the best of me. I can become the biggest bitch because of something that an "enemy" has said. I shouldn't let them control my emotions like that. I should relax and live a beautiful life, right? I think we all should.

casimir pulaski day

driving in the country. no idea where we are, the 4 of us sing so loud. let the wind carry your hands, dance with your bracelets. stop and take some pictures. save flowers. write love notes on each others' arms. 

this song screams summers name so loud.

Golden rod and the 4-H stone 
The things I brought you 
When I found out you had cancer of the bone 

Your father cried on the telephone 
And he drove his car to the Navy yard 
Just to prove that he was sorry 

In the morning through the window shade 
When the light pressed up against your shoulder blade 
I could see what you were reading 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications you could do without 
When I kissed you on the mouth 

Tuesday night at the bible study 
We lift our hands and pray over your body 
But nothing ever happens 

I remember at Michael's house 
In the living room when you kissed my neck 
And I almost touched your blouse 

In the morning at the top of the stairs 
When your father found out what we did that night 
And you told me you were scared 

Oh the glory when you ran outside 
With your shirt tucked in and your shoes untied 
And you told me not to follow you 

Sunday night when I cleaned the house 
I find the card where you wrote it out 
With the pictures of your mother 

On the floor at the great divide 
With my shirt tucked in and my shoes untied 
I am crying in the bathroom 

In the morning when you finally go 
And the nurse runs in with her head hung low 
And the cardinal hits the window 

In the morning in the winter shade 
On the first of March on the holiday 
I thought I saw you breathing 

Oh the glory that the lord has made 
And the complications when I see his face 
In the morning in the window 

Oh the glory when he took our place 
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face 
And he takes and he takes and he takes

it's just a pocket

We have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces.
Which is why I draw all over any paper that's in front of me. Why my walls are covered in pictures, paintings, notes. Why when we don't have plans, we feel empty.

I love watching movies, or reading books that leave you fulfilled. Like you haven't wasted so much of your spare time. It's so good to learn from these things. I've seen the same satisfying movie twice now. I've paid $18 to watch Sandra Bullock act like the weirdest girl in her red boots, carrying Steve's umbrella around, meeting the most genuine people. Falling for the wrong guy and having no idea. Being herself. So intelligent. So innocent and genuine. Being so real. Then opening up and telling you that we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. Which is why she enjoys creating crossword puzzles.

Ive been thinking about who I used to be. Nothing ever went wrong, I didn't have nearly as many annoying break downs. Not even breakdowns, just feelings that I let someone down. That I upset someone. That I didn't do the right thing. And I obsess over that, which is so annoying. SO annoying.
I miss that. But I love my life now. I want to go back to wearing dumb tights and socks to my knees. Not caring about my boyfriends ex girlfriend because in all reality, she doesn't matter to me. She doesn't matter to him, and I'm just obsessing over it so that I can create even more planets on my face that sprout from under my skin.

I'm going to Kansas City this weekend and I'm really not looking forward to it.
I get to see Charlotte next weekend.
I never get to see Collin.
I've let so many people get so far away.
I feel so selfish.
I can't read my government book.
I miss sitting on Mariah's bed and looking at flickr photos for so long.
I miss long hugs.
I miss sleeping in.
I miss feeling infinite.
I miss Charlotte.
I miss J. Crew.
I miss the smell of the mountains.
I miss my sister.
I miss long hugs, where you never want to let go. Both squeezing so tight and telling each other how much you love each other. Planning the next trip to see each other. I need my best friend and she's 3 hours away.
I miss reading.
I miss straight A's.
I miss talking about God during Mrs. Sparks' class, not ever paying attention, because I was so into talking about God and creating an everlasting bond an memory, that I didn't even care. I got an A in that class.
I miss Collin.
I miss swimming, then watching movies in his room.
I miss his mom being in Korea because it was so easy.
I miss microwaved nachos and his cold room.
I want all of this back.
I want new memories, new relationships.
I want time to stop F L Y I N G.
I want my best friend to live with me!
I could go on for so long, because I have empty spaces that need to be filled. With something.

j. boties

Today's Labor Day and it feels like summer. I even hear lawn mowers..
I woke up so many times and did that whole fall back asleep thing. Over and over. Until finally at 11:00 my body was ready to wake up.
I had another weird dream last night. About a scavenger hunt. Also, I had a chorale party at my house...I'm not even in chorale anymore..

Last night was interesting. I drove the 36th to Robinson to 48th to Main to 36th block at least 3 times. Alone. Sobbing. it was so different, and new, and I hated every second of it.
Things were so good.
Too good.

I wish I were with Charlotte today. Making tea and bracelets, then driving to Siloam to eat at Broadway. Then finding a spot in the park to read together. I wish she lived closer. I'm glad that she just lives 3 hours away, but that's still so far...

This is really vague.

cheerful disposition

Last night, I dreamt that I was at a coffee shop, and I had this song by Elephant Revival stuck in my head. Then this woman - who Mariah took photos of recently - got up and started singing it, and I joined in with her. There was a look of familiarity and peace that came across her as we sang together.

To sing in your dream represents happiness, harmony and joy in some situation or relationship. You are uplifing others with your positive attitude and cheerful disposition. Singing is a way to celebrate, communicate and express your feelings.
To hear someone sing in your dream signifies emotional and spiritual fulfillment. You are changing your mood and experiencing a more positive outlook on life.

There we go. :)

needing more

I can't stop writing.
I published that last post, and I feel like my fingers need to keep moving. They need to get it out. I haven't blogged in so longggggg.
I'm not even looking at the keyboard. My head is laid back on the couch cushion, and my brain is telling my fingers where to go. So qquickly. it's such a good noise.

I had to take keyboarding in 7th grade.

I miss socks.
Boots.
Stupid little ankle boots.
Flannel shirts.
Tights.
MMM... starbucks, hot drinks.
Reading in the warmth of your home. Under blankets.
The smell of wood burning from a chimney.
The gray sky of winter.
The trees fading from green to orange.
Mmm...
Paul McCartney sounds so good.
I will NEVER get tired of the Coffee House - Acoustic station on sirius radio.

I realized, walking in from lunch one day, that I have no friends. I walked in with a huge crowd of people. Hugging each other by the neck, some yelling at each other. I was just walkin' alone. But what's weird? I'm totally okay with that. I'm perfectly fine with who I have.
I have token friends. I think.. overall ? Friends that I actually consider friends.. I have.. literally... 8.
But I'm so okay with that. I'm only 17. I have such a life ahead of me.

Im so excited.

dream interpretations

I've been dreaming a lot lately. About some of the most random things.

Dream one:
I was attending Hogwarts, and rebelling, I crawled out the window during one of our dinners and was going to get Collin out of this high tower that he had a class in. Why he wasn't at dinner, I'll never know. But I snuck away to this mountain of rocks. In the mountain was a cave with a little blue creature in it. I was expressing to him my anxiety and he formed his gummy body into a guitar and began to sing. Might I add it was the most beautiful song, and somehow I knew it. I began to sing along with him and it made me feel light. After singing and conversing, I went to the high tower to get Collin. That's when Malfoy came and ratted on me. I ran into the woods and the trees held me in their limbs.

I have no idea what any of this means, but I the fact that I was at Hogwarts is probably because I recently started reading the whole Harry Potter collection. It's getting to my head.



Dream two:
I was riding my bike through brookhaven - where I always ride, it seems like. I saw these amish twins riding a double seated bike and they were so creepy, so red-headed, so big-eyed, and they just watched me ride quickly by as they held a rope that was around their pet donkey's neck. Then I passed what I assumed to be their house. The same twins, only 10 years older were sitting in wooden rocking chairs, one leg over the other, on their porch. Staring at me just like they did when I rode my bike past them.

I realized that my cousin Ashley was behind me and I stopped for her to catch up. That's when we ran into the creepiest man who was in a wheel-chair. No legs. Blood and all, like they had just been torn to pieces. He was so concerned, and just watched us. Blocked our path, trying to get help, but instead, came off as a monster.

After passing him, I ran into my favorite substitute. The one I always see studying at Panera. The one who's always riding his bike. He wears the same clothes, the same sheepish smile. He's so smart. In my dream he sat with me outside of some construction site and told me about his life. Sadly, I don't remember what he said now. I wish I did..

But after that, Ashley and I went to my house, which was under construction and you had to crawl under these small portals of wood to get to the only room that was still put together. The family room. As we enter, the same monster in the wheel-chair, with no legs, is blocking our path. Staring at me. He reaches out to me with his right hand, and as I try to get past him, he touches me, giving me maggots. There were maggots all over me. Crawling up and down my entire body, making me itch. I crawl into the family room from one of the portals and smashhhh my dad's laptop. Everything that his job revolves around. From the impact, I wake up. Itching. Scratching myself, and feeling the maggots slowly crawling up and down my extremities.

I never shower. But that morning, I jumped out of bed and ran to the shower - to wash the maggots off.

In art, Michaelene looked up what maggots mean when you dream about them.

It stated:

To see maggots in your dream, represent your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.



Awesome, right?

I was trying to come up with some reason I've been actually dreaming lately. Not only dreaming, but remembering my dreams. Having them stuck in my mind all day.

Every night before I go to sleep, Collin calls me and tells me goodnight. We talk for a while, and we say our goodbyes, then we sleep. He was sick for 4 days. Two nights of which he went to bed around 8:00, leaving me with an open mind. All to myself. To dream about Harry Potter and maggots. One of the days he was sick, I went over to his house to see him. I went to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me that he doesn't want me to get what he has. I had to sit on the complete opposite side of the couch from him because he believed he was so diseased. He talked about how he might have swine flu, which then led to "what if I die from swine?"

There it is. Death. Laying on my heart. This may sound really pathetic, and extremely dependent, but I don't know what I would do without him. He is my best friend, I'm pretty sure. We talk about anything and everything. Do anything and everything together, and it never gets old. We talk all throughout the day, almost, and thinking of losing him to swine? Having to go to his funeral? Being left alone? Didn't rest easy on me...obviously.

Also, sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep, I get really nervous. Thinking that I'm going to die the next day. Or sometimes I'll be riding in a car and feel like "this is my last moment." It's not a great feeling, and I have no idea why these things come into my mind, but they really suck. I think that's another reason for the maggots.

I really wish this all made sense.

Dreams are really interesting. You have no idea that you're feeling these things. You know so much about yourself, but have no idea. Not until you take the time to interpret your dreams.